Taeyong pov

«[I need your help please.]»
His tone is confident. He probably knows I'm going to say yes for whatever he wants.

«What do you need my help with?»
My tone is hesitant, and i'm sure my voice could probably break at any time.

«[I need you for my wound.]»
His words are firm, sounding like an order.

I panic inside. What if it's an excuse to come over and kill me?

«Can you move your shoulder?»

«[Yes, a bit. But it hurts a lot.]»

«It's normal if it's hurts. Do the edges of the wound are a little purple?»

He keeps his mouth shut for less than a minute before answering.
«[Yes, it's turning purple.]"

«I think that the threads I used was too big, the edges of the wound are probably irritated by it.»

«[I'll be at your place in ten minutes.]»
He finally says and hang up.

I'm so scared of him. How could I say no?
The time passed quickly because when Jaehyun rings the doorbell I still haven't moved of where I was when he called me ten minutes ago. Too deep in my thoughts to move.

When I put my hand on the door's handle, I stay still for plenty seconds, wanting to stop shaking like a tiny bunny.

Jaehyun is here. In front of me.

He has big dark rings under his eyes and his hair is messy, I guess he's struggling for sleeping.

«Come in.»
I say low, opening wide the door for letting him in.

He mumbles a 'thanks' and follow me upstairs.

«We're going to do it in the bathroom this time. It was not easy to clean all the blood you put on the couch last time.»
I say, voice shaky, looking straight into his eyes.
He stays silent and nods.

«Sit on the edge of the bathtub.»
I order him.

He must had suffering very hard to be this calm with me. He doesn't pick on me for my tone.

I open the medicine chest to take what I need and turn to Jaehyun.
«Take off your shirt please.»
And my voice is shaky again. I gulp at the thought of him without his shirt on.
I don't know what's the feeling in my stomach is right now.
Fear?
Disgust?
A mix of all that?

I see him wince in pain when he starts to taking off his shirt by himself.
I come closer and pull the edges of his shirt with him to make it easier for him.
I hang his shirt behind the door, and I take off the band-aid as I open the bottle of disinfectant.

«I'm going to disinfect before changing the threads. I gonna be honest, it's gonna hurt.»
I say before touching him with the sterile pad.

He just whispers an 'Okay' before closing his eyes and clenching his jaw. I guess he dreads the pain.

He lets out a bunch of loud growls as I disinfect the wound.
I feel a twinge of sorrow at his visible suffer.
I hate him. But I'm not the kind of human who likes to have people suffering. Even not their enemies. His growls of pain make me feel so much things. Fear, sadness, and another things I can't even name nor explain.

«Can you tell me some stories or things like that? I want you to be concentrated on something else, it will help you to suffer less.»
I ask to him, wanting him to change his mind for making my work easier.

«Okay. When I was seven, I fell in the stairs of my house and broke my right arm. I was playing with my little brother and we were running like mad kids. It was so good to laugh out loud with my brother because when we were very young, we used to fight a lot. Like really a lot. But this day it was my birthday and we just wanted to be good with each other this day.»
He pauses for a second.
«I remember everything of this day.
My mom always told me to not run in the stairs. And I never listened. I fell hard, my arm made a very loud 'crack' sound and I screamed. I fell down the stairs and cried. My brother was behind me and he laughed, I didn't understand that I was hurt. My mom took me to the hospital, and I had a cast for two months. I never ran in the stairs again since this day.»

I look up at him.
«We're done.»

«What?»
He says, confused.

«I finished to change your threads.»

He looks down at his shoulder to see his fresh sutured and now clean wound. The edges are instantly less purple and will probably be less painful too now.

He was so absorbed with his story telling that he completely forgot the pain.

«Thank you, Tae'.»
He says with a small smile.

Tae. Tae.
Tae. Tae.
Tae. Tae.
Tae. Tae.

My eyes are watering, and my breath is block.
I feel like I'm going to faint.
Jaehyun noticed it too.
«What? Did I say something bad?»

«You called me 'Tae'...»
I whisper before falling in tears.

I know how stupid it looks but I can't control it, it hurts so much to hear my beloved nickname coming from his mouth.
«You don't have the right to call me that...»
I manage to say between my sobs.
«I want to die so bad. You're a fucking monster!»
I yell, my body shaking and tears falling.
I can't control it anymore. I'm going completely insane.
A lot of thoughts are coming by my head. All the possible way I have to kill myself. All the bad words Jaehyun told me.
All my fucking pain.

When I look up, I see jaehyun kneeling in front of me.
«Thank you, Tae'.»
He says firmly, almost harshly, patting my head before standing up and going out of the bathroom.
I only stand up when I hear the front door shutting.
He leaved and I'm here, hating myself for being his toy.

Because that what I am right now. A toy.

Jaehyun's toy. He only treats me right when he needs something from me and treats me like a trash the rest of the time.
I'm so miserable.

My phone rings.

You have a new message.
From: unknow number
11:28PM:
I still hate you faggot.

My tears still falling, I open the water to fill up the bathtub. I close my eyes at the sound of the water, trying to take my breath back. I feel like my lungs are burning, like my head's going to explode. I feel so fucking bad.

When the bathtub's full, I undress and let out a moan at the feeling of the warm water on my bruised skin.
I'm entirely cover with hot water, tickling my ribs and warming my cold body.

I take the razor blade that I hide next to the bathtub and cut deep lines on my forearm. One. And two. And three. And more. And more.

More.

More.

More.

More.

Always more.

Always fucking more.

I cut my forearms, my thighs and my belly. Cutting more and more. Deeper and deeper. Opening wide my skin, hoping to sleep well.
I shouldn't do it, I know it.
But I feel so fucking bad.

I take my phone to send a message to Johnny.
The last one.
The finale.

My body is weaker every second. The bathtub's overflowing. The water is red as my body bleed out.

I love you Johnny.

I love you mom.

I love you dad.

I close my eyes,
I'm cold,
I'm tired.

«I'm sorry...»
Is the last thing I can whisper before everything goes black.

'I'm so sorry...'

————————————————
bonjour,

okay guys, here's the chapter.
sad hours are: open.
i almost cried while writing this.

how do you feel with what just happened?
don't hesitate to tell me!
and i say that again, but if you deal with suicidal thoughts, talk about it, don't stay alone. you can message me anytime if you need too.

it's the last wednesday upload, since high school is starting again next week, i'm going to come back to a once a week upload.

since now, i'll upload only the sunday, like at the start, i hope you're not too disappointed but with the school starting again i'll probably not have enough time to write in time if i upload twice a week.

anyway,
next chapter sunday , please look forward to it!

- 𝔃𝓪𝓬𝓴