CHAPTER I3

Careful Won't Cut It

     Brynn couldn't believe what she was hearing. Kaz had gathered them all in the sitting room again, more food on the coffee table in the center, to piece their plan together. She'd had Sasha help proper her head up with a pillow so she could see everyone, her feet sitting in her sister's lap.

She listened to everyone arguing with Kaz's idea to go back to the Slat for help, her eyes narrowed on Kaz. Her voice felt worse than a few hours ago, so she kept quiet, even if she wished to smack some sense into the boy.

But Kaz did have a point, no matter how dangerous it was. They couldn't very well control the auction with just the ten of them, a group of kids and a Kaelish farmer. They needed the rest of the Dregs.

Halfway through Kaz's explanation of the plan, Brynn closed her eyes, hoping to get a little bit of rest. No doubt she would have no part in the plan, seeing as she could barely walk without help. She was useless.

When Brynn woke again, it was nearly noon, bright light streaming through the windows. Sasha had dozed off on the other side of the sofa, Brynn's feet still in her lap, her mouth open and omitting soft snoring sounds. Everyone else was gone, presumably off to get some sort of sleep before the auction.

Brynn slowly lifted her feet, one by one, off of Sasha's legs and onto the ground. Just the small movement was enough to tire her out, but Brynn wouldn't stop.

Through the door to the lavish white-and-gold bathroom, Brynn could see Kaz at the sink, the water running over his hands. Carefully, she stood up from the couch, shakily using every other piece of furniture and then the walls to help her over to the bathroom door. A prickle of sweat broke out on Brynn's forehead and her legs were wobbly, but she eventually made it.

Kaz looked over at her as she stood in the doorway, the beginnings of a frown on his features. He turned the water off, drying his hands on a towel, and set the towel aside before turning completely to Brynn.

"I missed that scowl," she murmured.

"Why are you up?" Kaz asked. "You should be resting."

Brynn rolled her eyes. "What, are you worried about me?" She pushed away from the wall to take a step towards him. "I'm fine—" Then her legs finally gave out, sending her tumbling to the ground.

Darting forward, Kaz grabbed onto her arms before Brynn fell. He softly set her down on the floor of the bathroom, leaning her back against the counter. His fingers lingered on her bare arms, briefly, until he pulled them away and stepped back.

Brynn took a moment to catch her breath. Something was rattling in her stomach. She wanted to throw up. Not here, she told herself. Not now.

"You can't go to the Slat alone," she finally said, her eyes still closed. "It's dangerous."

"That has never stopped me before." His voice was detached, but there was something else there, too. Something she'd never heard in his voice before.

"You could die."

"Then I'm sure the entire city will dance on my grave." He paused. "If something does go wrong, you should leave with your sister, with everyone else. Inej knows what to do. Go have a life with Sasha."

She opened her eyes, staring up at the boy who hovered above her. His pale skin seemed even paler in the white bathroom, the sharp lines of his face determinedly set. Kaz stared back at her, almost as if he were studying her.

Shaking her head, Brynn looked away. "You know, when I was a kid, all I ever wanted to do was own a bakery. There was a small one a few miles from our house, but it was awful, so we'd take the recipes from there and change them to be better. I can still remember some of them." She met his steely gaze. "That's what I want after this is all over, if we all survive this, if life somehow doesn't manage to get us caught up in another war. Sasha wants to sail and I want to bake, here in Ketterdam."

When he didn't say anything, Brynn grabbed the edge of the sink and hauled herself up to her feet. Her gaze never strayed from his, hard and unmoving. "With you, Kaz Brekker. Which is why I need you to come back alive."

Sasha's words from earlier came to her. Had he really threatened a little girl?

It didn't matter now. They'd both made mistakes in the past, even if neither of them regretted some of them. Brynn realized when she was Van Eck's captive that she wouldn't have been happy anywhere other than Ketterdam. It wasn't just Kaz that would make her happy.

~~~

Kaz stayed as still as he could when Brynn slid her hand up onto his cheek, just like that night on the Ferolind over the chess board. That night felt like ages ago.

Her hand was cool on his cheek, smooth against the small amount of stubble on his jaw. He didn't know what to do. Should he move closer? Help her stand instead of watching her single arm hold up her entire body weight? Touch her face, too?

I can best this, he told himself.

Lightning cracked through Brynn's fingertips and onto his skin, left him paralyzed, rooted to the earth. He closed his eyes to get away from the stare of her big, grey eyes. But then her skin was replaced by Jordie's wet, rotting flesh on his face. The water was cold against his legs. Kaz was drowning. Drowning in Ketterdam harbor. His eyes blurred.

"Look at me." Her voice was soft and pained, just enough to make Kaz open his eyes again. Brynn leaned against the sink behind her, a single hand keeping her steady. He could feel her steady heartbeat in her fingertips speeding up, and Kaz realized he wasn't the only one suffering. But she was still, in response to his shaking. His throat was dry. The room tilted.

"Every once in a while, I have a bad dream," she said, keeping her hand on his cheek. He held onto her voice like a lifeline. "I don't like calling them nightmares. Because they're not nightmares. They're memories.

"I remember the few minutes before my Ma and Da actually died. I can't forget it. I don't think I ever will. What I never understood was how I didn't die with them. I should have burned too, but I didn't. Why? I have no idea. That question has played on repeat in my mind ever since that day. Maybe a miracle." She let out the barest of laughs, humorless in tone. "If that was a miracle, I'd rather never have one ever again."

She said she'd wanted to have a bakery. She wanted to stay here. In Ketterdam. With him. He'd stopped asking why she cared about him a long time ago. He wouldn't get an answer.

Kaz took a chance. He took a small step forward. They were less than a foot apart now. Brynn's hand was now warm on his skin, staring up at him with an unrecognizable emotion in her eyes. He took in the sickly green tint of her skin, the droplets of sweat on her neck and forehead, the curve of her neck, her long hair tucked behind her ear. Her arm holding her up was shaking.

Before he even knew what he intended, he lowered his head, his lips hovering just above the warm juncture between her shoulder and the column of her neck. Brynn drew in a sharp breath. He waited for her to push him away, to tell him to stop. But she just exhaled softly.

The barest movement and his lips brushed her skin. Brynn's eyes fluttered close as she let out another breath. Desire coursed through him, a thousand images he'd hoarded, barely let himself imagine—her red hair freed from her ponytail, his hand fitted to the curve of her waist, her warm lips parted, whispering his name.

It was all there, and then gone. He was drowning in the harbor. Her limbs were a corpse's limbs. Her eyes were dead and staring. He lurched backward, pain shooting through his bad leg. Brynn's hand fell. The room swayed. He braced himself against the wall, trying to breathe. Brynn stepped forward, nearly lost her footing, then propped herself up against the sink counter again.

She opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it again. His cheek was cold. He'd promised that he'd try for her. But he still had a long way to go, and there were still things that needed to be done, people that he'd need on his side if they were going to survive after this.

His eyes scanned her face once more, closely, hungrily, snatching at the details of her life the thief he was—the freckles scattered across her nose and cheeks, the stormy grey of her eyes still filled with compassion despite everything he'd done, the red curls of her hair falling down her back and on her shoulders. Her lips were slightly parted, the sound of her breathing filling the room. He never wanted to forget her, how she looked when she laughed, when she was happy and healthy. If he was going to die, he'd keep those good images of her to the other side with him.

Kaz strode past Brynn, took his discarded gloves from the sink, and pulled them on. He shrugged on his coat again, straightened his tie in the mirror, tucked his cane under his arm. He might as well go to meet his death in style.

When he turned back to her, he was ready. "Whatever happens to me, survive this city. Get your sister, get away from this wretched place, leave the mark you want to leave. But survive this mess I've gotten us into."

"Please don't do this," Brynn pleaded.

"If I don't, it's all over. There's no way out. There's no reward. There's nothing left."

She held his gaze for a minute, before letting it fall to the ground. Kaz took it as his cue to leave. But her voice stopped him, once, just as he passed through the doorway. "Just be careful, Kaz."

He didn't look back as he said, "Careful won't cut it in Ketterdam, Brynn." Then he left the bathroom behind, left Brynn behind.

~~~

"What are you doing in here?"

Brynn's head snapped over to the doorway of the bathroom, where Inej stood with her inquisitive gaze locked onto her figure, just barely holding herself up on her feet. How long had she been standing there after Kaz had left? A few minutes? A few hours?

She shook her head. "It doesn't matter." Inej looked like she didn't believe Brynn, but gave her a half-smile and turned back around. "Wait."

Inej looked at Brynn again. "Yeah?"

Brynn bit her lip, thinking. Careful won't cut it in Ketterdam. Maybe not, but it certainly wouldn't hurt.

"Go with Kaz, please," she said. "Don't let him know you're there, but just go. Try to make sure he makes it back alive."

The Suli girl nodded slowly. "Of course." She paused. "Do you need help getting back to the sitting room?"

Brynn shook her head. "I'll be fine. Go." With one last nod, Inej disappeared through the doorway, the only thing left of her presence was the memory of the short conversation with the girl.

She took a step away from the sink, hands and legs shaking. Maybe she should have asked for Inej's help. Too late, thought Brynn.

Something wet and slippery was on her fingers. Brynn looked back at the sink. Someone had put ice directly on the counter and Brynn's hand had slipped right into it. Weird how she hadn't noticed it before, though.

"Probably Wylan," she muttered as she limped slowly out of the bathroom. 

a/n— I've been so busy with soccer, it's like I don't have any free time anymore! But we only have two more games left, so I'll be able to update a lot more often. I tried to make 'the scene' as original as possible, but it was just literal perfection, so I didn't want to completely erase it. Let me know what you think about the double update!