𝗺𝗶𝗸𝗮𝘀𝗮 𝗽𝗼𝘃

what will you do if she lives?

i'm not quite sure.

and what will you do if she passes?

i'm not quite sure.

why do you feel so strongly for this person?

because she showed me a different side of the world. she showed me a different perspective.

is that all?

no. she taught me how to laugh, she taught me how to feel loved, she taught me how to show it too.

show what, love?

yes. she taught me a lot of things i didn't know.

don't know? or don't remember.. see, there's a fine line between not knowing something and not remembering something. you know that, mikasa. so, which one is it?

i didn't know.

wrong.

i didn't know.

wrong.

didn't. know.

you're wrong.
y/n only helped you remember. she helped you remember how to feel loved, she helped you remember how to laugh, she helped you remember how to show love, helped you remember that there has always been a different perspective in how people see life. she didn't teach you anything. you just used her to remember.

no.

yes. you always knew. she just reminded you of something, didn't she. reminded you of that light you saw as a child before it all went dark. she didn't fill your darkness with light, she just helped you find the switch. that's all.

your wrong.

am i? then enlighten me. why is it that you keep her around? for approval?

no.

to use her for her love?

no.

for her respect? because no one has ever showed you such vulnerability, so you decided to keep that, use it to your advantage when the time was right..?

your wrong! it's all wrong! shut up! you know nothing!

yes, get mad. you deserve to feel some type of emotion during this grieving. all you've been was numb.

i'm not grieving! she's not dead!

and what if she is? what if while you were sulking on your own, she'd already said goodbye to the world.

she didn't though! she didn't!

then go.

go?

go see her. go to her. prove to me that you truly aren't using her.

if i went now it would only because you told me too.

yes.. and?

you would use that against me. tell me i only went because someone urged me to. fill my head with endless stories about how i'm "using her."

but you are.

i'm not! i never was! she brought me comfort, something i never had! not while i was a child, not while growing up, not now either! i never had that! a home in someone's heart.. she made that a reality!

you feel at home with her?

yes! she understands me, something that no one can do! not eren, not armin, no one! absolutely no one. i'm sick of it, i'm sick of not feeling like i belong. y/n changed that though. she made me feel like i fit in even though i was boring and quiet and naïve.

that's not a home. that's just helping you feel like you belong. you used her yet again.

no. i didn't. i never asked her to that for me, i never asked for any of this. wanting to feel at home was never something i desired. it was never something that i felt would happen, and so i erased that dream from my mind.

but she so effortlessly entered my life, started talking about her dumb connection with the sky, and now here we are. none of this was ever planned!

..and?

and i'm glad. i'm glad it turned out that way. i'm glad she understood me, protected me, waited patiently for me.

and it wasn't one-sided. i was there for her too. every nightmare, every rant, every accomplishment upon entering the survey corpse. i was there. because she wanted me to, and because i wanted me to.

so don't tell me that i was ever using her. you're wrong. wrong wrong wrong.

then why are you listening to me? you could've ignored me.

because this was a test, wasn't it. to see if i felt any guilt within the words you spat, a test to see if i would break under pressured interrogation.

ha.

who are you anyway?

i'm you. the you inside you. the you who's still holding back, who's still scared to equally show someone your vulnerability as much are they are to you. you're holding back, mikasa. let go. let it all go.

and i did. i let it go. the walls, the barriers, everything. once and for all.

i have to go see her now. i saved one flower in my hand, her favorite one. the prettiest one too.

i have to go see her now.

i ran as fast as i could, the heaving in my chest only growing quicker and quicker as i held tightly to the flower.

finally, finally. i was there. i was there.

i took no time thinking, i took no time catching my breath. y/n. that's what was on my mind. seeing her, her imperfect to her but perfect to me self.

"mikasa! your back!" armin said. what was that? he looked happy, relieved. because i came back?

"she's awake," he whispered, tears building up in the corners of his eyes. "no one went to see her yet. we wanted you to be the first."

y/n, she's awake. no time to wait. i pushed through everyone, through armin, eren, jean, everyone.

and i ran some more. ran towards her room, that door that was just slightly open, some light seeping out from the room.

and i was there. i reached the front of the door, that tiny flower still in my hand, each pedal perfectly aligned, the stem still in tact.

i gently pushed the door open, letting it open by itself.

and i saw her. y/n. yes. she was there. she was ok.

how do you feel?

relieved.

yes. relieved. you were correct, that was a test. a test you gave yourself. but you're relieved that she's alive, correct?

yes.

so you lied. you know exactly how you feel now that you know she's alive.

yes. i feel happy, joyous, relieved.

would you say you felt you almost lost the only person you ever felt a connection with?

yes.

yes, i almost lost her.

but i didn't. she's alive. she's alive- and now i can give her the flower.

"y/n.." i whispered more to me than to her.

"mikasa? hey! i've been awake for a while already, but these damn doctors wouldn't let me get out of bed. told me the stitches could rip. how annoyin-"

"shut up."

—

flower represents mikasa and the way it looks all new and it's the prettiest one represents how that's her new version she wants to give y/n. well, the authentic version, just new to people, especially y/n. mikasa stopped hiding her vulnerability and decided to show it to y/n. finally.

and she was basically having a conversation in her head w her intrusive thoughts. or her conscious. whatever makes the most sense (:

yeah when mikasa said "shut up" she didn't mean it in a "stfu i thought you were dead" way she meant it in a "stfu i'm gonna kiss you now" way (:

next chap will probably be the last.