Thank you to everyone who helped me with this chapter it really meant a lot.

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 As soon as Tolga left the office to go to a hearing, Ceylin felt alone again, but at the same time, she felt that she has somebody. She knew that she and Ilgaz are not a couple, they are divorcing but at the same time, she knew that Ilgaz still cares about her, maybe even loves her, just as she cares about him, loves him. So, she sits at her desk in front of her laptop and searched for the best therapist in the city, she promised him, and she promised herself to never lie to Ilgaz again.
It took her a couple of hours until she finally found the perfect therapist for herself, it was close to her office and at the same time, it was affordable too.
-I'm back, Ceylin where are you? - said Tolga and closed the door harder than he usually does. Ceylin knew that the trial didn't go well after Tolga's reaction
-I'm here, how it was? How was it to stand in front of your Ilgaz abi and show him the great lawyer you are? - she tried to lift his morale after she saw the disappointment on his face
- Well what do you think? He is always this hard with the lawyers, or is it for me, us? I know that he is the best prosecutor and he takes his job very seriously but this was literally harder than all my trials together...
Ceylin smiled and shook her head, yes that's the Ilgaz savci she knows very well, sometimes he is too harsh with the lawyers even with the ones he loves.
-Bildircim stay calm, we can write an appeal and your client will be out in a week. Yes, Ilgaz savci is just like this, but you know this, and...
-But he said he is proud of me, and that I learned a lot from you - cut in Tolga with enthusiasm in his voice.
-Tamam, I have to make a phone call after we resolve this problem. - Ceylin types in the phone number in her phone so she can book an appointment with the therapist, as she walks into her bedroom, she calls the number, and after a few seconds, a young woman's voice greets her in the other part of the phone.
-Good afternoon! You called Dr. Eylül Osman's office, how can I help you? - heard Ceylin the kind voice on the phone.
-Good afternoon! I'm Ceylin Erguvan-Ka... - she stopped for a second and after continued- I would like to book an appointment for a therapy session.
-Of course, just give me a moment to check the list of when will be the next free appointment.
-Tamam. – Ceylin waited in silence.
-Ceylin hanim, we have a free appointment tomorrow from 5 o'clock or next week Monday, which one would work for you?
"Tomorrow? Already? I'm ready for it tomorrow. Who knows what will happen until Monday... you can do it Ceylin; you can do it"- crossed her mind.
-Th...the tomorrow's appointment will work for me. Thank you!
-Perfect, I will schedule the appointment with the doctor hanim. See you tomorrow! Have a pleasant afternoon!
- Thank you see you tomorrow! - closed the call Ceylin, and for some reason, she felt like somebody lifted a big weight off her shoulder. She went back to Tolga who does some paperwork. As Ceylin walks in Tolga lifts his head and sees Ceylin's smile for the first time in weeks.
-So Tolgacim, let's see those problems that Ilgaz savci gave you. I'm sure we can manage it to be alright for everybody.
-Tamam, let's start. - they worked until the evening when Tolga had to leave to go home to his mother, before he left, he turned back from the door.
-Ceylin! Aylin called me, you don't respond to her calls, she wanted to know if she has to come tomorrow to work or not. I said yes, but if you don't want, I will call her back. - as he finished his word, he regrated it at that moment the sparks which were in Cyelin's eyes from the morning now disappeared and there is sadness again.
-She can come... Have a good night! Drive careful!
-Good night, Ceylin!

After Tolga left she remained alone again, but she wasn't as lonely as she felt just a day ago.
"Can Ilgaz have such a power? Can he make me feel better just with him being? Can he be my hero, to save me from my darkness once again? I don't know, but I want this, I want him, I want to be his strength as much as he is mine..."- wrote Ceylin in her notebook, without even thinking about the words, she should have written the details about a client but her mind keeps taking her back to Ilgaz.
Ilgaz finished his work in his office and he decide to call Ceylin, maybe to calm himself down with the knowledge that she is alright or he just missed her voice. So, he took his phone searched the SEVGILI name, and called her. When Ceylin saw the caller ID being SEVGILI her heart started to beat faster as she reached out to her phone to answer it.
-Ilgaz? - answered the phone- How are you? Is everything okay?

-Hey, I'm fine. You? Everything is perfect...- "now that I hear your voice again" finished Ilgaz the sentence in his mind.
-I'm okay too. Why did you call?
-Yeah, did you eat today? I can get you something, I will leave the courthouse now. I can take something to your office.
-I had breakfast with you
-Breakfast? Ceylin it's evening, okay I will be there with some food.
-There is no need. -said Ceylin while she hoped that Ilgaz will take her food, just to be able to see him again.
-This wasn't an offer; I will be there and nokta! - Ilgaz voice sound serious and determined.
-Okay savci bey, we need to talk anyway, how could you upset Tolga?
-Tolga? - laughed Ilgaz. - I just teach him a serious lesson... I will be in your office in 30 minutes and you can ask about poor Tolga. I need to go now, see you in a bit.
-See you! - both of them had silly smiles on their face after the phone call. It felt so good for both of them to hear the other's voice. Maybe, just maybe, they missed each other, but none of them will confess it.
Ilgaz is perfect in time as always, after 30 minutes he knocks on Ceylin's door.
-Welcome!
-Thank you! I bought you nohut pilav.
-Oh, my favorite, hadi come in.- they entered the office and Ilgaz unpacked their food on her desk, they eat in silence and enjoyed their view of each other.
-So Ilgaz savci, how could you upset my partner?
-I didn't upset him, I did just my job, he needs to learn how to lose a trial too.
-No, he will be very successful so he will not lose any trial...
-Avukat hanim, I see you are very proud of your partner. - both of them smiled at how they were talking about Tolga.
-He is a great kid, but to be serious, he did everything that he could, I'm sure. Even if I didn't hear him, I know he was great.
-He was, it wasn't his fault. The judge was determined to send him to jail even if you were his lawyer.
-Ilgaz, umm about what we talked about last evening, night.
-Yes? The therapy?
-Yes, umm I will have my first session tomorrow at 5 o'clock.
-Tamam, can I do something for you?
-No, no there is nothing that you can do, I just wanted you to know, and also, I want to be honest with you, I started to be anxious about the meeting I feel like I'm not strong enough to go through the whole situation again. – Ilgaz leans forward and takes her hand in his as support.
-Everything will be okay, you are as strong as you were when I met you, you are the strongest, bravest woman I ever saw, you are just tired. It will help you. – Ceylin eyes are filled with tears when she looks at him again, so Ilgaz gets up and pulls her up into a hug. Both of them needed to restock their strength from each other. After a while Ilgaz broke the hug when his phone started to ring, he left the room to talk and when he came back, he wasn't as calm as he walked out of the room.
-I'm sorry, but I need to go, this case is giving me a headache, nothing is what it seems to be.
-Oh, no problem. Thank you for the food and support. Have a good evening and an easy shift. - Ceylin led him to the front door, where to her biggest surprise, Ilgaz hugged her once again, he leaned his forehead to hers and whispered.
-What we should do with us? - for a few moments Ceylin remained silent trying to find an answer to his question.
-I don't know, but if you want, we can... we can spend time together, as two mature adults. At least until we figure out what we should do.
-We will talk about it tomorrow. Tamam mi?
-Tamam- smiled Ceylin and Ilgaz left, to go back to the police station again.
"This can't be real; he is not real. I need to apologize to him again, when my head is not a mess like it was last night, he deserved an apology. I will never be able to pay him back the amount of time, care, and love he gave me. I love him and I will always love him, no matter what will happen between us" thought Ceylin while she got ready for bed.

The next day was calm for both of them, Ilgaz was working with Eren on the case at the police station while Ceylin had some meetings with her clients and she finished around noon, from that point she felt like the time stopped and didn't want to pass. She was anxious because of the therapy session. Meanwhile, in the station Ilgaz kept looking at his watch every 5 minutes.
-Kardesim, do you have something important to do? - asked Eren after Ilgaz looked at his watch for the 50th time.
-Yes, no, yes, no, yes.
-Ilgaz, everything is alright?
-Yes, I'm meeting with Ceylin at 4:30 and I don't want to be late.
-Wait, what? You two?
- It's not like that, just something important for both of us. Neyse, she will tell you if she wants. So, I'm going out, I don't know when I will be back.
-Tamam kardesim.... two idiots. They can't live without each other but still act like this... why do I have friends who are so blind? – talked Eren in his office after Ilgaz left.

Ilgaz drove to Ceylin's office and called her.
-Ceylin, I'm outside, I can take you to the session if you want it too.
-You didn't have to, but thanks. I will be out in a minute. - she puts on her coat and takes her purse, she closes the door and heads out to Ilgaz's car.
-Hey- said Ilgaz with a shy smile, exactly the same smile was on Ceylin's face too.
-Hey, you really didn't have to do this Ilgaz. You don't have to leave your job to take me to the session.
-I was in the station it's not a big deal, really.
-Tamam, if you say so. But don't leave your job for me. - even if she insists, he still will do it. He will take her to the sessions because he is Ilgaz, her Ilgaz.
- And how was your day Sayin Savcim?- she asked, she wanted to hear his day, but at the same time his voice calmed her down.
-It was okay, we worked with Eren and Umut as always, we are getting close to the murderer but something is wrong, just I don't know what... and of course, I will not discuss my case with you Ceylin.
-Tamam, I don't care about the case. How is Eren? Defne?
-Eren is Eren, you know him, he doesn't change he is Eren, who calls in the worse time and in the most inappropriate moment. Defne is fine, she is sad that Merdan Dede can't take her to school, but although she is happy that he is home. Look at this traffic again... some of the drivers can't even go straight on the road but still drives.
Ceylin giggled at his reaction to the traffic, sometimes he saw Ilgaz as the calmest person in the world until it comes to driving, when he drives, he can be annoyed very easily.
Ceylin secretly was staring at his side profile and his hands when his voice drags her back to the reality.
-Umm sorry what? - she asked blushing, she didn't hear his question.
-I asked if you are, okay. It's seeming that you were somewhere very deep in your thoughts.
-Yes, yes, I'm fine, I'm just nervous a bit. It's been a while since I was in any kind of therapy, you know I told you.
-Everything will be alright, look you are not alone in this. I'm here.
-I know – smiles Ceylin as she takes his hand which he placed on hers just a moment ago.

They arrived at the cabinet just in time even with the big traffic.
-Okay, see you later, someday. You don't have to wait for me or to come back, I will just take a taxi. Go back to your job.- and Ceylin leans to him and kisses his cheek, she realizes what she did just when her lips are pressed to his cheek, she quickly gets back to her seat and gets out of the car, she hears Ilgaz's voice as she closes the door.
-I will be here when you finish.- Ilgaz stays in the car and talks on the phone with Eren about the newest information to his case, time flies for him outside in the car, but at the same time he is a little worried about Ceylin, he knows she is safe and she will get the help she needs to be able to heal from all the pain.
Ceylin enters the office where she meets the receptionist, she was the one with who she talked yesterday.
-Merhaba, I'm Ceylin Erguvan, I have an appointment with Dr. Eyül Osman.
-Welcome Ceylin hanim, we are glad that you are here. Please take a seat the doctor will be here in a few minutes to meet you. - Ceylin walks to the comfortable couch. She is too nervous to think about reading one of the magazines or to take out her phone. When the room door opened a young man walked out from the room and after him came a woman too. The woman was in her early 50's if Ceylin was right. The woman walks to the receptionist who immediately asks for Ceylin.
-Ceylin hanim, the room is yours- smiles friendly the therapist. They entered the room and Ceylin started to calm down.
- I'm Eylül Osman and I will be your therapist, firstly let's talk a bit about yourself. Please introduce yourself in a few words before we start the whole procedure.
-I'm Ceylin Erguvan, I'm a lawyer, and I'm divorced and married, it's complicated right now,
-Tamam Ceylin, we will figure out together what are the issues. Okay, so today we will do a lighter conversation, and research before we head into the problems. Why are you here today, what made you think that you need therapy?
-Well the short answer is I think I'm losing my mind, but at the same time don't. A lot happened in my past and I can't really deal with it anymore. If I just rethink the past year a lot happened, and I lose myself and the most important person in my life. Of course, most of it happened because of me.
-Really, why do you feel like that?
-Because I'm the one who always makes mistakes, always drags the people who I love into my darkness. If I push them away, I'm again the one who makes them suffer. So basically, I'm the one who hurt them. If I start to trust somebody, I end up trusting the wrong person and hurt again somebody I love, and I run away from everything. I thought it changed after my first therapy.
-Interesting, you said you were in therapy before. What was the reason back then?
-Yes, I was it's but it was a long time ago, I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and I always tried to fit in, to find anybody, anything where to belong.
-Can you remember when you started to feel that you don't belong in your place?
-I don't really know, there were many moments while I was a child, these moments build up, and after I just felt like this feeling is getting bigger and bigger. It started when my little sister was born, I became the middle child and didn't receive the attention I needed. I loved my sister I was ready to do anything for her. At the same time when we played or run and I fall and hurt myself, I was scolded for why I was running, why I can't be more careful, and why I make everybody's life more difficult. So, I felt like I don't belong there, and now...
- Now do you still feel like this?
-No, I found the person who showed me where I belong and why, but I'm about to lose him, and I lost too many people already.
-Are you afraid of losing another person?
-Not any person, just him. Ilgaz, he was my anchor when I had nobody but as I said I mess up everything and I messed up even this.
-Not everyone is leaving, there are people who remain in our lives and there are ones who leave but if they leave is not always our fault. As I see you are used to blaming yourself for many things, firstly we will find out the reason for this, and after we can move on to we will prove that you are not losing your mind. Our time for today is about to end. Until the next meeting let's focus on the good events that happened in the last period.
-Tamam.
-Next week Thursday at 5, just as today. We will resolve all the issues here. - smiled softly at the therapist giving Ceylin a comfortable feeling about her life.
Ceylin said goodbye to the therapist and left the room. After the first session, she feels comfortable with the therapist and feels that this might get better and she can heal. As she walks out to the street, she sees his car and him leaning to the side of his car.
-Of course, he is here, just as he said- she shakes her head with a smile on her face and goes to him.
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I know the therapist part could be more realistic, but I will do better in the following chapter.
Thank you if you read it!