I just want to vent if that's ok 20f

8-17-2022

A year ago today on 8-17-2021, I was Sexually assaulted, I'd actually rather not sugar coat it so I'll say what it is, a year ago today I was Raped, by someone I Trusted at a time when I was at my lowest, I needed understanding and care but instead I was punished with trauma. I was 19 years old.

Today they get to live their life, pretending they did nothing, pretending they're perfect. Portraying themselves as this perfect person.

They get to act like they're the person that respects consent and respects women, and portraying me as the worst.

Meanwhile I get to cry everyday, I get to have flashbacks and nightmares Constantly. I get to dissociate every day, and feel numb and broken. I get to fight a war with my own mind and my own body.  I get trauma and ptsd. I get to feel ruined and like I can't trust anyone no matter how hard I tell myself that's not true or others tell me it's not true. I get to be depressed, and have anxiety and you fucking name it. There's so many bad things I have to feel. So many responses that your mind and body take to the trauma.

Today I at least get to have two beautiful people by my side to help me feel okay and loved and keep my mind clear. I don't know where I'd be without them. I don't know what else to say..
I just wanted to say something, anything.

8-17-2021
I had previously told him if he was to visit I wanted absolutely no sexual or romantic contact I just wanted to be platonic. We were in a long distance relationship for 4.5 years but now We were broke up. He then kept pushing my boundaries touching my body until I gave in.
Those times it was foreplay and I guess I gave consent, But I cried after anyway. It's something I said and knew I didn't want to do with him. On the last night he was visiting he asked if we could at least cuddle one more time so I said yes. But in the morning when it was the day I was going to take him to the airport he woke me up and silently took both out pants off. I told him no, stop, please, don't, I'm scared. Etc. then I turned over flat on my stomach and put my face in the pillow and he just did it for a minute. He stayed silent the whole time. He then jumped away pulled his pants up and pretended nothing happened.. and I did too.. for months. I initially tried to confide in my mother but when I did she said "maybe it was a misunderstanding, you made him wait so long" after that I stayed quiet. I asked him once did he hear what I said that night and he said no.. then he started crying and saying he "raped his love" and another time he said "I regret raping you and forcing you to do things you didn't want to do yeah that was a 🚩"