Official Report

British Intelligence

Code: 3986                                                                                                                                    

Kathleen Winfred

Christmas arrived.

It was a cold winter, and it snowed quite a bit Christmas day. No one left the compound or entered it, avoiding the weather outside.

None of us exchanged gifts, at least not ones bought at a shop. The German military needed more money for the war effort, and the salaries of all military personnel, from officers, to soldiers, to women’s guards, to secretaries, had felt the cut.

Pirot had knitted us all hats and mittens (something which I wondered where she had found the time to do).

Albert, apparently quite good at cooking (I learned that he had made the chocolate cake I had for my birthday), was able to make us a small private dinner.

Freidrich was gone half the day, doing what we believed to be duties that could not wait for another day to be performed. It turned out that he had spent the whole day orchestrating the preparation of a large conference room on the top floor of the building into a room where we could have a private Christmas party, and then had invited Jessica and Matthew.

Christof, Freidrich’s friend who had brought Virginia’s letter, also attended, bringing Andre, whom he had picked up in town, along with him.

As all of us in the room shared the same views on the allies and the Nazi party, we were able to celebrate the fact that the allies were making progress. We were happy that the Germans might be liberated from Hitler’s tyranny after all, and perhaps soon.

The night was an overall happy one.

Albert was toting his portable radio, as he liked to do, and played music, which he and Pirot danced to. Even Freidrich, to the surprise of all of us, joined me for a dance.

Andre stuffed himself with as much of the desserts Albert had made as he possibly could.

To my surprise, I caught Jessica and Matthew casting glances at one another from across the room. I had not realized before, with all of the other things I had been occupying my mind with, but now that I did, I smiled.

Going over to Jessica, I encouraged her to stand up and go dance with Matthew. At my prompting, she did and the two of them were inseparable for the remainder of the night.

The snow had only intensified by the time night fell, and Andre and Christof were unable to depart.

Pirot enthusiastically suggested the idea of everyone staying here, and having a sort of campout in the top floor room. Freidrich was hesitant, and I, at first, was not thrilled with the idea. Jessica and Matthew were happy to do it. Albert, even, wasn’t sure he wanted to.

However, when we saw Andre’s excitement at being able to camp out on the top floor, Freidrich and I both capitulated, and Albert gave in soon afterwards.

It was chilly on the top floor, and Pirot and Albert left to bring back all the blankets they could find, including several that they had stolen off of each of our beds.

Andre assisted Pirot and Jessica in making beds along one wall.

When the lights were turned out, and we were all in our makeshift beds, I lay awake, looking at the ceiling. It was pitch dark, but the darkness and silence didn’t feel terrible. Instead, in a strange way, it felt comforting to be here, now, surrounded by the people I cared about.

I thought about leaving. I thought about all the friends I had come to care about, the friends whose soft breathing surrounded me. Andre snored a little.

I sighed. How could I leave?

I looked to my left, where Freidrich was, even though I could not see him in the darkness, and thought about leaving him. I felt my breath catch just at the thought.

I tossed and turned for a while, my flannel pajamas feeling suddenly hot and uncomfortable.

I turned on my side, and thought about Pirot and Albert, to the right of me. I turned on my other side, facing Freidrich.

I must have moved around more than I thought in the midst of my tossing and turning. The next thing I knew, I had accidentally hit Freidrich’s arm.

I immediately froze, listening to the blankets rustle as he stirred a bit. I hoped that I hadn’t awakened him completely, and that he would simply fall back into deep sleep once more.

The room fell silent once more, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

However, it was short-lived.

“Ilsa?” I heard Freidrich’s sleep-heavy voice say.

“I’m sorry,” I said, apologizing quickly. “I…I didn’t mean to wake you. You can go back to sleep.”

“What’s wrong?” he said, his voice still sounding as though he were partly asleep.

I sighed. “Nothing,” I said. “I’m really fine.”

There was a slight shuffling, as if Freidrich had halfway sat up. “Where are you?” he said. “I can’t see a thing…”

I laughed slightly, but also halfway sat up and reached out a hand, trying to find him.

“That’s my face,” he said, after a moment, just as I found him.

He grasped my hand, and moved closer to me. “Now,” he said. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

I was silent for a while, thoughts of leaving coming back to the forefront of my mind once more.

I let go of Freidrich’s hand for a moment, resituating myself and laying down once more. “Where are you now?” I asked him.

“Here,” he said, his voice close, coming from the darkness.

I reached out a hand once more, which only resulted in a grunt of surprise from Freidrich.

“Are you alright?” I asked him.

When he spoke again, his voice was muffled. “Fine,” he said. “You…got me in the eye.”

“I’m sorry…” I said. “First I wake you up…Then I almost hit you in the face…Now I’ve poked you in the eye.”

“Shhhh..” said Freidrich, finally finding my hands. “It’s alright.” He was much closer than I had thought, which is probably what had resulted in the unfortunate eye-poking incident.

He lay back down facing me. I tried and tried to see him in the darkness, straining my eyes to make out something. But I couldn’t see a thing.

“Well?” he said, finally, his voice a mere whisper.

“I was thinking about…about what you said the other day. About me having to leave.”

He sighed. “I wish that it didn’t have to be that way…But you do know that war often results in people having to do what they don’t wish to.”

I shifted again, and my forehead touched his.

“I don’t think I can leave you…” I whispered, my voice barely audible.

“And making you leave, for your own safety, will be the hardest thing I ever do,” he whispered back, his voice equally as quiet.

“Freidrich?” I said, continuing to whisper, making sure my words weren’t heard by anyone else in the room. After all Andre needn’t hear anything about war or the decisions we had to make, and Christof wasn’t fully informed on the entire story of my position as a spy.

“Hmm?”

I brought my hand to the side of his face, memorizing where his jawline was; and his cheekbone; and the soft edge of his hair, messed up with sleep; and the smallest bit of stubble along the bottom of his jaw.

“Is there any way…is there any version of our story where I leave and you’re ok, and we end up seeing each other again when the war is over?”

He was silent, and I knew the answer. His silence was more of an answer than words would ever be. He never did say the answer out loud, as though he wanted to keep it unspoken as well.

I didn’t cry. I knew that there would be plenty of tears if the occasion actually came. Some part of me couldn’t believe that if I left, it would be the end. Some part of me wanted to tell myself that that wasn’t, couldn’t possibly, be true.

“Kathleen,” he whispered, so quietly I could hardly hear him, his voice kept low to keep my true name from the people in the room who didn’t know it (Andre and Christof).

“What?” I said, my voice sounding pathetic, and vulnerable, even to myself.

He kissed me, softly and quietly. When Freidrich kissed me, it was nice. I had only ever been kissed once before him, and it had not been entirely by my own will that the boy had been able to do it. He had taken me out to dinner and apparently thought that he deserved a kiss afterwards. That kiss had been rough, and terrible, and I had almost never wanted to kiss anyone ever again. But Freidrich wasn’t like that. Freidrich was gentle, and Freidrich never kissed me when I didn’t want him to. When Freidrich kissed me, it didn’t feel as though he were doing it because he thought he deserved to, like Robert had what seemed like forever ago when I received my first kiss. It felt as though he were doing it because he loved me, and he cared about me. When Freidrich kissed me, I felt warm and happy. Safe.

As soon as he leaned back, though, and the safe feeling began to dissipate, my worries and fears returned.

Freidrich sighed, sounding tired, and rolled over on his back. I leaned my head against his shoulder.

“Get some sleep,” he said, quietly. “The days ahead will be tiring. There’s no use denying it.”

I lay next to him until his breathing steadied and he was asleep again.

Then I slipped out of the blankets, and made my way towards where I believed the door to be. Thankfully, I was correct in my fumbling, and my hand found the door handle.

I opened the door quietly and left the room.