I started becoming conscious again.

There was a warmth around my body that felt comfortable.

I felt happy for a moment before remembering my nightmare. Was it a nightmare?

Images of yesterday's events flashed into my mind.

Doctors surrounding the body of my father,  hearing his heart stop and the loud sound white noise after hearing "time" from one of the doctors.

I remembered the flashing lights of the lights passing me as I ran through the streets,  not knowing where I would end up.

I remembered feeling a warmth surround me while I was laying on the cold bench in the park.

I could still feel this warmth.

All the memories caused my eyes to water uncontrollably,  I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my eyes around them and began to weep.

Although I was warm on the outside, it was freezing inside.

"Ivy" I heard a deep voice say and wrap an arm around me.

I hadn't opened my eyes yet, I didn't know who it was,  but honestly I didn't care.

"Ivy,  please look at me" I heard the voice say.

I recognised the voice and turned around slightly. So that I could see the owner of the voice.

I opened my eyes and saw that I was in my room.

I saw Jin sat up,  just staring at me. His face looked so sad as he stared right into my eyes.

He leant down and engulfed me in a warm embrace. I tried to hug back,  but I felt so weak.

"Is it real? Is he really gone?" I asked as I looked over to a picture in the corner of my room of myself and my father when I was young playing in the snow.

I turned back to look at Jin who nodded and looked down.

I suddenly let out a noise that was a mixture between a scream and a cry and fell into Jin.

He cradled me in his arms as I continued to cry.

"I'm so sorry" Jin said.

Once I started to calm down,  mainly from exhaustion, I remembered my mum,  where was she?

"Jin,  do you know where my mum is?" I asked, as I sat up.

"She's still at the hospital,  she's been by your dad's side since I last saw her" he replied calmly.

"I need to go see her" I said and started to get up from the bed.

"Are you sure" he asked and rubbed my back.

"I can't just leave her there,  I did that yesterday" I said and looked down. I know I shouldn't have left her,  but I couldn't help but leave.

"Okay,  but I'll drive us there " he said and walked out towards the door,  I followed closely behind.

Once we were in the car,  we sat in silence. I looked out of the window of the car,  like you see people do in the movies. At least you knew things would get better and that it was fake.

That wasn't the case for me.

"I know you probably don't want to listen to me,  which I understand" Jin said,  I didn't look at him,  just listened.

"But I know it's hard, and it's probably going to get worse,  but you need to know that I am not going to leave you, even when you want me to I'm not, because it's going to be hard but I am always going to be there for you" he said and placed his hand on my knee.

I thought back to all the small interaction Jin had with my dad,  although they were only small,  my dad had gained trust in Jin.

I remembered that a couple of nights ago I was catching up with Dad over the phone.

(flashback to conversation)

Dad: So how is Jin treating my little girl?

Me: Well,  obviously.

Dad: I know he is,  but I need to make sure that you are okay.

Me: I'm fine,  he's good to me.

Dad: I know, your mother tells me all the time about how you too have been out and about.

Me: doesn't she always?

Dad: That is true,  she really likes Jin,  actually,  she really likes all your friends.

Me:I know,  trust me. What do you actually think of Jin though?

Dad: I like him. He is good to you and he's a nice boy. Plus,  you are a young woman now and honestly I couldn't think of anyone who would be better for you.

(End of flashback)

I smiled at remembering the last proper conversation I had with my father.

"He liked you, you know" I said to Jin.

"I wish I had gotten to know him better,  he was a good man" he replied.

I looked down and smiled a little bit. He was.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
We finally arrived at the hospital. My stomach began to do backfires inside of me,  making me feel nauseous.

I stopped in my tracks and began to breathe fast and heavily.

Jin walked a head slightly before realising that I was no longer beside him. He walked back towards me.

He came up to me and kissed me on the top of my head before slipping his hand to connect with mine and giving it a slight squeeze.

"It's going to be okay,  you've got me,  remember?" he smiled slightly.

We continued to hold hands as we entered the hospital and followed the corridor towards where everything happened last night.

I saw my mum sat outside of the room where I last saw her and my dad.

I took a deep breath before disconnecting with Jin and going over towards my mother and engulfing her in a hug.

"I'm so sorry" I said to her.

"It's okay,  you're okay" she sighed.

"Where is he?" I asked as I wiped away the tears from my eyes.

She turned her head towards a door at the end of the corridor.

I walked down towards the door before looking inside it. I saw him lying there.

I opened the door and entered,  along with mum and Jin behind.

I instantly began to cry and fell to the ground. Jin instantly ran to my side and pulled me back up. I cried into his chest.

"Don't cry dear,  you know he wouldn't want you to" Mum said,  she was right.

I walked closer to the body with Jin right behind me. I went to hold onto my dad's hand. He was so cold.

"What are you going to do?" I asked my mum.

"The funeral is next week,  I am booking the tickets to go back to England tonight and I am leaving as soon as possible" she said.

"I'm not coming" I instantly said.

"What?" both Jin and my mum said in shock.

"I can't go back there,  there are too many memories,  especially with dad" I said and stood back away from them both.

"I can't do it,  I'm sorry" I said.

"Are you sure? This is your father's funeral" she said,  you could still see the sadness on her face.

"I understand if you don't,  but think about it" she continued.

"No,  I'm not going,  I can't. It's too soon" I replied.

She sighed and walked over towards my dad's body and kissed him on the cheek before saying.

"Goodbye my love,  I'll see you soon"

She then looked up towards me.

"I'll let you say your last goodbyes to him" she said and hugged me slightly and walked out.

Jin looked at me,  waiting for me to tell him that it was okay to leave the room. I just nodded towards him with a slight smile to reassure him that I would be okay. He nodded towards me and opened the door and walked outside.

I walked over to his body and held his hand once again.

"Why did you have to leave us?" I weeped quietly.

"Dad,  you weren't just my dad,  you were my best friend. All those memories we have together of playing in the snow when I was younger and you letting me win even though every competitive bone in your body wanted to win. When we used to go to the park every weekend that you weren't at work and I'd make you push me on the swing for what felt like hours" I recalled and smiled.

"I know you hated being away from us with work and I know you only did it because you wanted what's best for us. But I liked that you were away a lot,  it meant that those times we had together made it even more special than it already was.

"I'm not coming to your funeral. I wish that I could,  but I can't. You of all people should understand why. I hope you understand. I hope you can forgive me. I promise I'll do something here,  something special,  something that wherever you are can be looking down on me and laugh.

"I love you Dad,  I'm going to miss you so much. There will never be a day when I won't think about you and I hope you'll keep me in mind wherever you are and look out for me and everyone else and be by our sides when we need you" I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes together tightly to try and get rid of all the tears.

I looked down and noticed that one of the grey curls in his hair had flopped onto his forehead. I pushed the piece of hair away from his face and back with all the rest of his hair.

I smiled.

"I'll see you soon, well not too soon I hope. But one day" I laughed slightly,  knowing that he'd be chuckling too.

"Goodbye dad" I finally said and kissed his forehead before letting go of his hand and leaving.