"Mixed Feelings"

|16|

Kalíanna

Potent emotions are just as hard to conceal as they are to control. Anger is the worst of them all. Nothing done in rage can be deemed rational. When one is drunk off rage, they tend to do horrible things and, most dangerously, say awful things-things they can't necessarily take back.

But funny enough, you may only realize this when you have sobered. When all your rage has finally dissipated. But by then it's far too late and the damage has already been done.

I can admit that I fucked up

We are all slaves to our own emotions, some are just better at hiding it than others.

And me? I wasn't good at it at all.

You can always tell the sudden change in my mood. Whether it is by the way in which I speak or sometimes I don't at all and the most notable, has to be my facial expressions.

Whatever emotion I'm feeling at the moment will be displayed on my face. I can't control it. I'm the definition of an open book.

I let out a frustrated sigh.

I was now upset with myself that I'd allow my feelings to get the best of me.

My anger was entirely misdirected.

I shouldn't have taken my anger out on, Javier.

I wasn't-or shouldn't -be upset with him.

I was the one who felt some kind of way becuase of what took place earlier.

I was the one who was confused as to why I had even felt that way at all.

It was all on me and not him.

He didn't deserve my anger.

The guilty feeling that sat on my conscience was far too heavy.

You should apologize

There is a knock at my door and I hoped that maybe it was him. I opened the door, realizing it was only the girls. "Girl, yuh done pack up?" Arielle asked, looking around the room. She walked inside, Renée and Rihanna not far behind her.

The girls and I are seated on my bed. We are having our final catch up before everyone leaves.

It's hard coming to terms with the fact that we all have separate lives, we don't see eachother as much as we used to. So, I cherish those moments that we are together.

The pressing topic of what we interrupted in the living room, arised for the second time tonight.

"Wah really did gwan?" Rihanna asked. All eyes moved to Renée. I guess we were all thinking it, anyways. But Rihanna was the one who had the balls to query about it.

To be honest, I wasn't too eager to hear what had happened.

Especially beacuse I'm not sure I'll be able to look at either of them the same.

Renée lets out a small breath of laughter.

"Talk nuh man." Arielle coaxed. While, Rihanna dramatically opened a new bag of chips as if this was her idea of top tier entertainment.

I simply looked to Renée, tilting my head in anticipation.

"Likkle sumn' gwan, ano nutn' serious." Rihanna clasped her hands as she giggled in coy like manner.

"My girl ano grade six this, we move pass stucky-fucky stage. . .details, we need details." Rihanna hissed before taking up her bag of chips.

I burst into laughter holding onto Rihanna for support.

Mi nuh know when she 'go change

When we finally done laugh, Renée begins speaking again.

"Let's be real. . ." She started, but I don't know who she wanted to be real, us or herself. "Javi, look good yuh fuck, suh if mi get a chance fi give him piece, why not?" Her response rubbed me the wrong way. But I didn't say anything because the others only laughed. Maybe it was just me, I thought.

I wasn't in any position to judge her.

She continued, "After mi see him inna dem beach shorts deh, Jesus."

We knew what she was alluding to.

"Uno did gone, we alone did deh here suh mi see the opportunity and tek it.

Mi go down there inna mi thong and tank top. . .no bra." Rihanna nods, stuffing her mouth and soaking up every last detail.

"Continue." I ugred. I'm not sure why I was now intrigued but I had been listening keenly to what she was saying, might as well hear the rest, right?

"Mi start gwan like mi a clean yuh know, likkle bending over, here and there. Tease him a little, until him tek eh bait and boom, him ask mi fi come which part him deh-"

"Wait, come or cum?" Arielle cuts her off.

"C-O-M-E." She clarified.

We all nod urging her to go on.

"Him tell mi fi tek off mi panty, suh mi give him a show, and uno fuck eh up fimi when uno pull eh door." She laughed, shaking her head.

So they would have-I don't even bother finishing the thought.

I would never have the guts to pursue someone like that but if she saw something that she wanted and went for it, good for her.

"Kali," Arielle called, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I hummed in response.

"Mi ago leave now, yuh want come down wid mi and Dandre dem?"

I thought about it for awhile.

My parents are going to be upset that I left the house in the first place, they'll be even more upset that I was out for the entire weekend, that I didn't call and to put the icing on the cake. I won't be showing up to work tomorrow.

I don't want to make matters worse but I also don't want to disappoint, Javier.

I thought against it.

Fuck it, done gone bad already

"Mi ago stay, call mi when yuh reach home."

She pulled me into a hug, placing a chaste kiss on my cheek.

"Lata' mi baby." She smiled, leaving the room.

Renée

|16|

I considered myself to be very close to these girls, but anyone would be embarrassed to tell even their closest of friends the entire truth when it comes on to certain situations. Especially, this one.

I didn't necessarily lie, all I did was spare a few details.

No harm done.

I have always found Javier attractive. There was something about his cool demeanor, and the way he had a decent mix of masculine and soft features.

From his angular jaw line, to his deep dark colored eyes that were complimented perfectly his long lashes.

He had the typical image of a 'pretty boy'.

Walking red flag, but who cares?

Certainly not me

I don't know what I wanted more: to have a taste of his pink lips or to run my nails through his dark curls.

Any of which would suffice.

We have known eachother for years, but it hasn't been anything more than having small conversations here and there, and hanging out in the same circles.

I tried getting his attention before but I felt invisible to him.

I texted him a couple of times asking to hang out but he never took me up on the offer.

He was always 'too busy' or he simply didn't even bother to answer the messages at all.

I wanted him to want me.

I wanted to show him that I could be whatever he wanted me to be, and more.

Except, he still presented a nonchalant demeanor.

I sometimes wonder what is so different about hanging out with his other friends and hanging out with Kali. He always seemed to find time to be with her.

Like for instance, I always watch her close friends on Instagram.

Nine times out of ten, they're with eachother.

I guess that girls like her always have it all, the money, the lifestyle and the boy.

Why was someone like her caught up with someone from the wrong side?

Someone we all know her parents wouldn't approve of.

Little Ms. Politician's Daughter

It was no secret, the kind of stuff Javier was associated with.

His image simply didn't match hers.

I look out the window of the car before shooting Javier another text, hoping he'd respond.

Maybe I should just leave him a picture

I'm in the car with Dandre and Arielle.

I realized that neither Javier or Kalíanna left the house, and Rihanna was picked up by a guy she insists is only her 'friend'.

Likkle liad

The car ride was silent as I focused my attention on my phone. I can't help but feel a little disappointed that despite my extra effort. He still hadn't budge.

Stop think 'bout him now man

I can't

I looked up from my phone screen, realizing that we have stopped at a gas station. Might as well mi go buy sumn fi munch pon 'till we reach back a Mobay.

"Mi ago buy snacks, uno want anything?"

They shook their heads, no.

"Mek sure, caz mi nah share nothing."

I walked around the mini supermarket in search of some chocolate. I picked up a bag of Doritos, Cheetos, two bottles of water and an Arizona. But for the life of me, I can't seem to find the Hershey chocolates that I always buy, the cookies and cream ones to be specific.

I walked down another isle with my eyes fixed on the shelves. I bump into someone and their hands hold on to me keeping me steady. "Sorry." I looked up seeing a familar pair of brown eyes. Jaheem? Nuh him, such girl used to link wid. St. Ann him live now? Years mi nuh see him.

He looked real nice.

He always did, though

"Yuh gov' man." He chuckled.

"Wah yah do suh far?" We are both from the same community in St. James, I could ask him the same thing. Though, I had an idea as to why he was now elsewhere.

"Come spend eh weekend a hotel." I lied. I didn't want to mention that I was here with the others. He was familiar with all of them and they didn't want anything to do with him.

I changed the topic, quickly.

"Never know seh yuh still living." I taunted, playfully.

"Wah fi stop eh?" He now walked alongside me as I continued searching for my chocolate.

"Hear seh Javi did want bust yuh head, one ah time." I spoke, honestly.

He didn't find that one so funny, but we both knew it was true.

The silence was extremely loud.

Finally, spotting my chocolate, I bent over to retrieve it from the bottom shelf completely disregarding how short my skirt was.

"Love eh view." I felt his hand brush against the skin of the curve of my ass, just below my skirt and I swatted it away quickly.

Mi think mi ave everything mi need.

I place all my stuff on the counter and I realize that Jaheem hadn't stopped following me.

"Yuh lost?" I asked, pretending I wasn't enjoying his company.

"Mek mi get yuh number."

"Ask nicely."

He hissed his teeth taking out his phone and handing it to me.

"Please, place your number into my phone." He spoke in a thick American accent. Mi know deh boy yah never see foreign yet.

Tell yuh 'bout dem scamma boy yah

I rolled my eyes, taking the phone nonetheless.

A small part of me did it to spite, Kalíanna.

How would she feel if she knew that I had contact with her ex-boyfriend?

She didn't speak about him often anymore. But when things had just went south, she spoke of wanting to make amends.

She never truly spoke of what went wrong between them, I heard a story but I don't know how true it is.

Either way, she had to be a little stupid to push him someone like Jaheem away.

I walked out of the supermarket with even more than I'd went in for.

I had asked Jaheem not to follow me out.

I didn't want anyone to know that I saw him.

It was going to be our little secret.

Javier

|16|

I sit on the couch having a blunt. I wasn't too keen on being disrespected, but knowing Kalíanna she probably was just upset. It wasn't in her nature, it's not going to be long before she came to apologize.

I know she isn't as tough as she tried to be, so she was the type to care about hurting others' feelings.

Everyone except, me and Kali, had left a few minutes ago.

The house was quiet save for the television going in front of me.

I glanced away from the TV.when I sensed someone enter the room. Kalíanna walks into the kitchen and returns with two bottles of water.

"Want one?" She asked, and I nod. I let out a small laugh at her version of a peace offering. She walks over to the couch, taking a seat beside me.

"Yuh hot head, cool now?" I joked, looking over at her.

"Shut up, man." She retorted.

She paused for awhile before she spoke again.

"I'm sorry about earlier. Mi did just upset."

"Yuh gov' man." I didn't question it, either becuaese I knew thst I could only be at her for only a.small period of time.

But she doesn't seem convinced, or satisfied with my reaponse.

"It's not." She continued, "I shouldn't have behaved that way."

It's funny how different our personalities were; where she was expressive, I was the exact opposite.

I would have never took the initiative to just apologize. Even if I was in the wrong.

She took a sip of her water before resting the bottle on the coffee table before us.

I offered an appreciative nod.

"Good?" She asked.

"Good."

We engaged in small talk disregarding the show on the TV.

My phone buzzed with a notification interrupting our conversation. My phone lights up, displaying a message from Renée.

Kalíanna took notice to it as soon as I did.

She stared at me expectantly, waiting for me to open it.

Instead, I gestured to the phone.
"Yuh can open it." She didn't hesitate, she reached for my phone, holding it up to my face to unlock it.

Renée Sorry we didn't get to finish

1 attachment

Kalíanna locked the phone immediately, placing it right back on my lap and I couldn't help but laugh.

I didn't have to look to know what she saw.

"Jesus Christ, a suh she did stay? " She muttered in disbelief.

But I wasn't suprised.

Girls tend to show their true colours for whoever they wanted.

It's not a matter of who they are as a person, it's just the person who you bring out when they're with you.

But it really showed who this girl is as an individual because I didn't even put my hands on her. Nor have I ever implied that I want to have anything to do with her.

I shake my head with a chuckle.

There was a moment a silence that was soon broken by Kalíanna.

"Wah did happen? Mi want hear it from you." She finally asked, looking at me in all seriousness.

I relayed the series of events to her, because I had nothing to hide.

I hoped that Renee's version of the story wasn't twisted.

Mi hate when people tell lie pon' mi

She looks at me shocked.

"Bro what?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"She left out a whole chapter." She said, finishing the rest of her water.

"Mi ago mek har know, mi nuh deh pon' wah she deh pon'." My actions are clearly not loud enough but my words will be ear piercing.

"Fi real." She agrees.

The night progresses on and we are laying on the couch watching a Netflix series. I didn't care for teen-drama but Kalíanna seemed to be enjoying it so I watched it, anyways.

I have work to get back to but I was willing to draw out this weekend for as long as I could.

I'm suprised that she didn't bring up her going home, again.

One more day away from Montego Bay, couldn't hurt. I have people that will make sure that shit runs as they are supposed to in my absence.if

I also, want.to visit my mother soon, drop off some more money-not that she needed it. But I always wanted to make sure that she was straight.

Becuase despite her not having much when I was younger, she was the type of mother who made it happen regardless. She never made me feel less than.

I want her to know that I love and appreciate her beyond words could express.

She teach mi more than any father could, and I give her props for that.

My mother lives in Trelawny, she has more family there. People who could keep her company, something I couldn't do as much as I wanted to. I spent as much time with her as I could, though.

She also knows she can come visit me at anytime.

I looked down at Kalíanna who had fallen asleep.

I shake my head and laugh replaying the words she said earlier.

Mi nah go sleep

I messed up the numbering of the chapters so I had to fix it, that's my bad.

A wah do Renée she? Hope y'all are enjoying the book