With each rebuttal our bodies seem to be moving closer, pulled together by a short string of tension as though we need to dig as deep into one another's skin as possible with every word and reaction shared.
"I was upset because you were going with Damon and if you haven't noticed I'm not exactly best buddies with the guy," he argues, eyes squinting as he seems to resist the temptation to leer at me.
"So, if I don't get your approval for something that I didn't even know you'd care about then I should just be ignored?" I pose to him matter-of-factly. "Because you hadn't professed your feelings about him, or me at all other than being a regular hookup, then I should read your mind and act accordingly?"
"I thought you knew!" he shouts, moving so close to me that I can feel his breath on my skin and notice how obviously his chest is heaving more rapidly.
"You thought I knew what?!"
"That I'm fucking in love with you Ella!" he shouts, although I could almost describe it as a whelps with a quiver in his voice almost noticeable. "I'm in love with you Ella, unbearably so, and I thought I was making it abundantly obvious."
It takes me a few moments to respond, whether it is because I'm processing that he's just told me that he's in love with him or because I need to take a breath after having unconsciously halted my breathing. I had been waiting for those words, not necessarily expecting that they would actually come because I struggle to predict what Theo is thinking or feeling but craving them deep down. Yet now, here they are stabbing into me severely as devastating weapons.
It's clear he's waiting for some kind of a response from me, his eyes constantly flashing between my eyes and my lips to see where the first sign would appear. Swallowing the pool of saliva that had gathered in my mouth as my lips rest slightly ajar, I just barely gather the courage to respond.
"It wasn't obvious Theo. How was it obvious?" I almost whisper. The stark contrast in our tones in only a few mere seconds is enough to achieve whiplash.
"I've spent every free moment I've had with you for the last couple of months. I've planned activities for us, stopped seeing anyone else. I didn't jump into bed with you because I knew it meant something to you and I didn't want to send any mixed signals or do anything until it was clear for both of us. I spent a whole day packing up your grandmother's house because all I've wanted is to see you smile and to be near you," he explains with a desperation and exhaustion in his tone that makes it almost sound like a plea to me. "I thought I was making it pretty clear."
"Well, it wasn't Theo. How was I supposed to know all these things? By the point that our conversation about the gala took place we were literally just sneaking around. I thought we were just having fun because that's what you made clear — that it was a fun "friendship"," I justify, anger being slowly replaced by pit of disappointment and utter sadness. "And how many of your signs happened after I wrote that damned article?"
"Don't hide behind the goddamn article Ella," Theo lashes out, the mention of the article clearly a trigger. "It's more than that. It's the continual judgement— your instinct is to think the worse, to shut things down and to not give things a chance."
"That's rich coming from you right now," I snap back, though I quickly recognise that I need to calm down. We can't keep making stabs at each other, it won't make things better. We were quickly veering into a game of fencing or even a duel while we should be playing chess, or whatever game won't leave us gaping with wounds by the end.
"I'm trying Theo," I continue, quickly adopting a different approach. "I know I've fucked up before but I'm giving things a shot. Why else would I have told Lexi?"
A few seconds pass after I say this and I wonder if he considering the magnitude of the information I've just shared. He knows how much Lexi's response to everything has weighed down on me and should know how much I value what we have if I'm willing to risk my relationship with Lexi even slightly. We had discussed me speaking with Lexi about us earlier today but this might be the confirmation he needed.
"Well I'm sorry you wasted your time sharing our little secret because you got what you wanted after all Ella. We used each other for what we needed and now it's over."
I hate that I notice they way a gloss has developed over his eyes as he delivers this final blow and how his voice has become scratchy as he attempts to control it. I hate how I want to just reach out to him as he stands so close yet far away; to hold him in my arms and to tell the little boy I saw in that picture in his room that lost his mother that everything would be okay and to just let the tears out.
But he doesn't deserve my comfort and I can't give it to him right now. I'm no angel but I'm going to let him stand there innocently ignoring his complicity to this crime. My wrongdoings nor my pain in seeing his own don't earn him the right to have his behaviour validated in any way. It's not my responsibility to fix him or the toxicity that was continuing to brew between us.
"Theo—" I begin, unsure of how to even capture what I'm feeling right now in a sentence. How do I pull together a string of words that could be my final say? "Theo, you don't get to just end everything like this." I tell him, though I'm not entirely sure that I'm not actually pleading to him deep down. Am I perhaps asking for things to be ended between us more graciously or am I asking that there to be no end at all? All I know is that I keep saying to myself— it can't actually be going this way, right?
"Just go home Ella. I'm tired of all of this."
And that's it. While I'm still struggling and fighting the battle, Theo has surrendered. Sword laid down before him whilst armoured up as much as possible to protect himself. I thought we were on the same side, fighting for the same thing, but it seems the cause didn't mean as much to him.
Taking a step back and nodding, I admit defeat. I'm not going to fight for something or someone that doesn't want fighting for. It's a lesson I'm finally grasping.
"I'm the idiot. You know, at first I even told myself that maybe something bad has happened to you so I could justify coming over here." As I begin walking and make the turn around Theo before me, I shake my head and laugh at how pathetic I sound. I can hear him following behind me but I don't turn around, not until I've opened his apartment door and I know this will be my last time to see his face and have my last say.
"God, I just . . . I just I hate how unpredictably predictable you were," I tell him as I take one last look at him and turn away, closing the chapter on him. I don't give him the chance to utter one word in response or to allow myself to see his reaction knowing it would haunt me.
After that, I rush back to my apartment and when I reach within its confines and close the door, I hold my hands against the door firmly as if to hold it tightly shut so that some sort of monster can't push its way in. But the monster was already in; it had already crept into my mind and infiltrated each crevice with its many seeds of doubt and insecurity.
You know, everyone always say they want an epic love like in the movies — hell, I've said a couple of times too. But what no one realises is that those stories also come with an abundance of hurt mixed in, and I can most certainly say I don't want it anymore.
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A bit of a long one but I couldn't bring myself to make it shorter. Hope you're enjoying the rollercoaster.
Whose side are you on? Theo or Ella?
P.s. not long to go.
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