'Theo_Harrington has sent you a follow request.'

I didn't expect that to be what I'd have waiting for me on my phone. It has been nearly 48 hours since our kiss and I hadn't heard from him, which was to be expected since we never actually exchanged our phone numbers.

Yet, I had naively completely forgotten about the whole massive social media sphere that existed out there. Don't know how exactly I skipped over that considering that I had already done some online sleuthing to find out more about Theo what felt like only days ago for work but was in reality weeks ago.

Instagram is the only social media account that I have at the moment and it's on private which I am aware is kind of rare for someone who works in the media today- albeit as an assistant. That whole assistant thing is another thing I need to work on sometime soon, especially if I'm going to stick to that whole trying new things and focusing on me agenda this year.

Regardless, that's a whole other issue and I should be focusing on the one that's in front of me right now— the complex world of social media. My account being on private actually relieves me in a way. It means that I get a chance to check over my profile before I let someone in for a glimpse of my world. You never know what embarrassing things you might have shared and forgotten about, only to regret one day.

So, I take the chance to scan over my profile to check for any of these regrets, taking the time to look through the small collection of photos I've shared in my years of using Instagram. I'm not exactly the most thrilling person so I don't put something up that often, opting for stories more so.

I first got my account in my later years of high school, back when I lived in Australia with my mother. My first photos were actually when I completed the obligatory visits to Sydney landmarks. After that came my high school graduation and prom, or "formal", photos. There's not really any photos for a while after that, besides one photo from when I started university, until I come upon a photo of me and my ex Sam.

A small smile creeps up on my face as I'm reminded of the memories tied to the photo. It had been a couple months since we had started dating and our relationship had reached the awkward stage where you have to figure out if you're actually boyfriend and girlfriend by now. I think we both kind of felt that we were but weren't completely sure if the other felt the same way. We were scared, both having never been in a relationship.

So, one day, we had spent the whole day together just watching movies and talking while his parents were off at a wedding. We had the whole house to ourselves and, yes, we did spend some time making out like most teenage couples would do when left alone together. But we honestly spent most of the time just talking about everything we could possibly think of and joking around.

Then, we got to the point of the day when he got a call from one of his friends asking if he wanted to come hang out with them. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be very interesting to me except that when he responded to them he had said, "No. I can't. I'm hanging out with my girlfriend".

In that moment I don't think I could conceal the surprise hitting me like a truck. I had wanted to discuss it with him and did want to take that next step but my over-thinking and insecure self couldn't comprehend the idea that he might feel the same. He was Sam freaking Walker, the quintessential Australian guy I had seen in all the movies and my high school crush. On a more basic level, he was a guy and I didn't think a guy would actually like me back; let alone one like Sam. I'm not exactly an incredibly confident and self-assured woman today but I certainly wasn't back then.

When Sam finished his call and turned back to me I could tell that the surprise had not yet departed my features from the way he stopped and looked at me with his eyes slightly widening. He had only just realised the step he had taken for us during that simple phone call and it had seemed that he was now to experience the same hesitation and insecurity that I had felt.

But then, I let the smile that had been waiting eagerly to creep out to slowly appear, as would his at the sight.

He then joined me back on his sofa, taking my hand in his. "Sorry, I had this whole big and deep talk planned out with you later to see if you were happy to take the next step. I guess I was just really eager and may have leaped ahead, but, I'm hoping you feel the same."

I, of course, agreed. As much as I was kind of terrified, I also knew that if there was anyone who I would want to experience being in a relationship with for the first time it was Sam.

To commemorate this new development, Sam suggested we take a photo together so that we could always look back and remember this day for what it was. So we did and like the smitten girl I was I posted it on Instagram, of course. This was a far cry from the girl who only last year didn't even tell her family about a guy she was dating for months and who can't tell how she feels about a whole other guy only months later.

It kind of disturbs me how the feelings I think I'm having for Theo right now rival those I had for Sam in some ways. Except there is this different kind of intensity that possesses the emotions. I don't know whether it's because of maturity, the lust or how badly I've been telling myself that I shouldn't be feeling anything.

As I now look back at the photo of Sam and I all those years ago, with him kissing my cheek as I have a cheesy grin stretched across my face, I'm grateful for the memories. That's why I still have that photo up after all this time. I crave the simplicity and clarity that once centred our relationship and for which I crave now. Our relationship, even from the beginning, had been like sailing down a smooth river. It was easy and beautiful.

Whatever might be going on with Theo or not kind of felt like I was embarking on a journey out to the middle of the sea. Maybe the sights could be equally as mesmerising if I was willing to go out there but I'm too scared to do so. It's risky and uncertain. The waves could engulf me or send me places I don't want to go. It's also on a different scale to its counterpart. That means that I can't really compare one another to gain reassurance and that frightens me even more.

Right now, the ship awaits me and a small wave is coming my way- the friend request. It is something quite small and simple but it could open the door for much more to come and I have to decide if I'm willing to allow myself to be the one to blame if things don't go the right way. Am I willing to embrace the uncertainties and see how things go, even if I don't know what I actually want or feel?

I'm overthinking things again. I so don't need to be doing this right before bed. I wonder why he's done this at this time. It's probably convenient for him- after a long day of socialising or working he finally got some free time after totally having forgotten about our kiss and thought he'd send me the request for some fun. Well, it's not convenient for me.

After finishing my quick check over my profile I stare at the 'accept' button like it's a monster that'll launch at me any moment now.

Oh, fuck it.

I press the accept button and immediately lock my phone, throwing it down beside me. I'm not going to allow myself to fall deep into the hole that is Instagram stalking Theo right before bed. It's a trap door and there's a long fall down, and I'm not prepared to be Alice going into any land right now.

But then again, there were some nice biscuits waiting for Alice and right about now the thought of a little glimpse into Theo's life looked something like some nice biscuits to me.

No. Control yourself Ella. You know how you are. You'll start with just one or two photos and then you'll be deep into his Instagram page, paranoid from all the time making sure you don't accidentally like one of his photos and with his face stuck in your mind.

I lift myself up from my bed and take my phone to the floor beside my bedroom door so that I won't be tempted to look at it. I quickly return to the warmth of my bed and turn of my bedside lamp so I can get some sleep and not be a zombie at work tomorrow. 

God, Ella. Get a grip.

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