⚠️ Trigger warning: Ahead might/will contain subjects and actions that can inflict and trigger something if you had troubles in the past. You have been warned. ⚠️

It's the most stupid thing ever.

I sat alone on the floor of my room; my door locked, blinds closed. Daiki was out with his friends, playing some basketball; both of his parents were out as well, both shopping and grocery shopping. I politely refused, saying I was tired.

Again, with this same feeling as way back then, way before I met Daiki...way before I even made "friends". It's even worse that I don't have anyone to talk to, that understands me. Mom is dead, what is life anymore?

I didn't know what to think about; it was the guilt that was killing me from the inside. Thinking about a stupid thing, just to keep it, it's so stupid. I'm so stupid. I sat there quietly, hearing my own breathing.

I have an urge.

I crawled over to my bed, onto the sheets. I laid there, feeling like my whole body was numb. It wasn't easy being a person who use to, and still does, cry easily. It's not easy being weak, feeling helpless, like no one understands you.

The constant, "You'll become stronger." and "Don't think like that, you're different. You're brave, you'll become better." lies that people tell to make the weak feel better. It's not as easy as you think, you're lucky to be born brave; confident; strong.

Not all people are strong; there are weak people.

Not all people are brave; some are scared of what might happen.

Not all people are confident in themselves; some have insecurities.

It's never the easiest to live. There is no easy way. No easy way in, or easy way out. Some just struggle really hard while others find it easy. Everyone is different.

But...why do I find myself struggling so hard?

I found myself in deep thought; self-regret. Finding myself that I couldn't get over a small thing. I'm weak. It was frustrating.

My breaths became more spaced as I closed my eyes, feeling a light burn in my eyes. Tears streamed down my already reddened cheeks, why am I so weak?

The weak cry.

"Crying is not a weakness, it shows that you've been strong for too long." it's a lie, I'm not strong.

I had to admit, self-regret and guilt was hard to deal with alone.

I...I-I have to...

I slipped down the bed, feeling like I couldn't use my legs. The numb feeling of being alone was on me.

I know Daiki is by my side...but, it's something far greater than that. It's a different feeling of being alone.

I opened the drawer of my desk and stared down at them, feeling the urge that I needed to do it. I snapped my head away, hissing at the thought. I couldn't do it.

I can't...I just can't...!

I crawled back to the white-sheeted bed, laying on the soft sheets. It reminded me of the snow outside. Just a white sheet laid across the ground. Watching as the little crystal-like specs fall onto the ground. Quiet. Disappearing onto the white sheet. Disappearing silently like snow in the million.

I heard a knock on my door, making me jolt and feel everything again.

"Oi, (First Name), you in there?"

D-Daiki...

"C'mon, let's go out to eat. I'm hungry."

You waited to eat with me? Why didn't you just go with your friends.

"Hurry up, I'm not getting any fuller."

I sat up, walking over to my dresser. I looked at my horrid self, looking like a complete mess. I took a tissue and wiped my tears and my face; just to show no sign of weakness or make him panic.

I took a deep breath before opening the door.

He stood there with his jacket and mine, also holding a hat and scarf. He had a slight red nose.

"You look awfully ugly." He furrowed his brows at my messy-looking self. "You okay?" I nodded, giving a fake smile.

"I'm fine." not okay, dying, crying, unstable.

I took my stuff, and before I could close the door and change into appropriate weather clothes, he grabbed my arm, placing a quick kiss on my lips, "Oi...I love you."

I gulped afterwards, shutting my door.

I slumped against my door, sliding down. I rested my elbows on my knees, about to cover my face. Tears came out like no tomorrow.

You're making things worse...

I cried until my throat was dry, my eyes feeling like they were swollen.

I managed to stop myself, knowing he was on the other side of the door; waiting for me. Knowing that he loved me, and by my current state of mind.

It's killing me.