thank you for 3k+ votes, 2k+ comments and overall 5k+ votes on my profile!

heRE'S TO THE KIDS WHO ARE BROKE AND LIVE FAR FROM THE VENUES ((US tour 2015))

unedited. too eh to edit sorry.

::35:: WED, July 23,2014

"I CAN'T hold all of you any much longer." I struggled to say as I felt my arms being dragged down with the three weight I was supporting.

I was plopped by the edge of a cliff with three people holding onto my arms as their feet dangled and gravity began fighting to pull them down.

It was a high drop. As soon as you fall, there's a certain rough landing below and certain end to your life line.

"One has to let go." I cried, feeling the weight as my arms' veins popped out but my skin looked almost transparent that I could see the blood run through them.

I was scared and in so much pain, more when I looked down and saw the terrified faces of the people whose lives were literally in the palm of my hands.

"I'll let go." The girl with the bright, trimmed red hair said in a rational tone. I dazed in her green eyes until her face changed and blood started dripping from the corners of her forehead, wounds started appearing and her cheeks cut open. I let out a whimper and shook her off without thinking.

As she fell, I watched her face shift back to normal and she was smiling at me again.

I returned my attention to the two more people grasping onto my arms. There was a boy who looked around my age. He had golden hair under the sun, blue eyes that camouflaged in the clear sky and a frown that sagged lower than Justin Bieber's pants. On my other arm was an older man who had blonde hair almost brown and eyes identical to my own. He wore a messily did tie around his half buttoned white-sleeved polo. Unlike the boy next to him, he was grinning with visible teeth - his eyes tearing up.

None of us spoke. We all just stared at each other, all struggling just to make it out alive.

Positive I could pull both of them up, suddenly they got heavier and heavier as their nails dug deeper through my skin that I saw my vein cut open under my transparent skin.

"You can let go if you can't hold on much longer." The older man whispered faintly.

I shook my head, closing my eyes to fight the scorching burns. "I can do it."

Opening my eyes, the much younger boy was looking at me in awe. His lips were still curved upward and I saw how he quivered them like he was trying to part them but couldn't.

Hopeless, I looked at the man not too far on his left. A red tear crawled down his cheek as I felt his grasp loosen.

"No, please." I exclaimed, clasping my hand onto his wrist.

"You can't keep us both much longer. You're going to have to choose." He replied with the same expression on his face.

The red tear which turned out to be blood left a path - cutting the man's skin as it reached down his jaw.

Looking back at the mimed boy whose lips were still sealed, his frown was slowly disappearing but he got paler and frosted.

"I d-don't know who to choose." I stammered, tightening my grip on both of them. "I want to save both of you."

"I can always let go." The man said sadly but his face still lit up even though it started to look like it was rotting. I fought the urge to let him go like I did with the girl just because I got scared.

My arms were still transparent and I saw the blood flow quicken to reach the veins in my hands and as they did, I let out a groan.

The man was right. I couldn't hold both of them for much longer.

"I'll save you." I said to the man, preparing to slip my hand off the younger boy's hold.

The man shook his head and told me, "No, save him. I'll let go."

Before I could argue, his nails descended and his hand unwrapped. He was falling and like the girl, he looked fine again.

I put both hands around the blonde boy's wrists. I breathed in and out, noticing he was now smiling crookedly but didn't look any better.

"Please help me out here. Let me save you. I can pull you up, just let me." The sound of my voice was so desperate, I felt myself choke at the last word.

His eyes were on my hands and refused to look away. I didn't understand what he was looking at exactly and why he was looking at them so concentratedly.

When I raised my head again, his eyes travelled down at the fall and then I realized what he was trying to tell me.

"N-no, don't you dare let go!" I started pulling him up and the blood through my veins only rushed quicker down my hands as he blinked slowly until I could never see his blue eyes anymore and his lips were so chapped they started bleeding.

Like the redhead and the troubled man, he let go.

I watched him fall on his back, the wind pushing his hair away from his forehead. He wasn't too far down when I saw his lips finally part to tell me something incoherent.

He was gone.

I started crying as I crawled further from the cliff. I stared at my hands in disbelief. My skin wasn't pasty anymore and the blood flow slowed down. It was then I realized what had happened. I had poisoned them.

-

I wasn't insane. At least that's what I told myself on a daily basis.

I wasn't sick. At least that's what my psychiatrist, Noah, insisted every now and then.

However, the other people around me treated me as if I was insane and I was sick. They'd start to grow on you eventually.

Two funerals in one year. That's double the number of times I was ever invited to a party. I had received more invites to funerals than parties - which kind of suck a lot.

The antidepressants have managed to keep me going for the past few weeks and to keep me sane enough to know when to cross the road and not cross. That's not even the reason why I still take them. They have given me more hours of good sleep minus the reoccurring nightmares that have been nothing more than treacherous.

Never in a million years did I think I'd end up here. I never thought I would need to see a psychiatrist three times a week, take pills twice a day or even be categorized under the mentally ill.

It wasn't a beautiful thing - depression. It was said about 8 out of 10 teenagers have gone through a stage or are going through depression. It was a common misconception that teenagers look up to it. They don't. They just know what it was like. What it's like to have a map in front of you but still get lost and not certain where to go.

Depression is a state of being. Telling someone's a depressed person doesn't describe them for what they are but for what they feel that certain moment. No one is depressed but anyone can be depressed.

I learned that from Luke when I first met him. I liked it better how it used to be - how we used to be. We were just starting to know each other and getting comfortable. We couldn't even insult each other without feeling bad. We were so cautious with every word we said and every action we took. Back then, we were outside and separated by the barrier not until we fell in it and got trapped.

Time alone gave me the opportunity to handle the situation in a third person's shoes and it got me thinking if all this time I was just looking for someone to blame other than myself for once. It just happened Luke stepped in the picture. It was an accident after all. No one wanted it to happen.

All I wanted was closure. It's all I've been yearning for. I don't want anyone to get hurt. There had been too many people already hurt. I just want answers.

Fidgeting for my phone, I dialed a number I've memorized by heart.

"Jay, why'd you call? Is everything alright?" Noah immediately answered. I couldn't help but laugh at how alarmed and attached she was to her phone. I could call her at three in the morning and still expect her to pick up in no time.

"Yes, Noah." I rolled my eyes nervously, wiping beads of sweat on my forehead. "I just need some of your psychiatric expertise."

"What's it about?" She chuckled across the line. I fell on my back and sighed, "You know the thing about Luke?"

I still felt awkward talking about it with someone other than myself in the mirror. Ever since I told her about everything, I felt like I could trust Noah wholeheartedly. Yes, it's her job but the way she's there for me meant one of two things - either she's really good at her job or she does care. My life has been in a big whirlwind, I'd like to think she just really cares.

"Go on," She replied smoothly.

"Today's a month since I found out and I don't really know why I called you. I haven't been certain about a lot of things. I just want to talk to someone right now and you're all I really got because you're the only person who knows about the thing and I just trust you so much, Noah." I ran off, going on and on not sure where I was heading with any of this.

"Slow down, Jay." I heard her sadly snicker. "I know it's a lot to take in and I think you just miss him a lot, huh?"

"Who? Luke?" I blurted, my eyes widening. I slapped my forehead and breathed deeply. "Would that make sense? I mean should I miss him? He hurt me big time, Noah."

"Jay, listen to me. You had something with him. You can't just erase all of your feelings for him because of one mistake. I mean you told me great stories about Luke and he sounds like a pretty sweet kid." She told me.

"But that one mistake killed my Dad." I bluntly answered. "I just want the whole story but I don't think I'm ready to see him just yet. I'm still having nightmares, Noah. He's in all of them - with my Dad and Claire too. In all of them, someone ends up dying and I wake up crying." I stuttered nervously, recalling the dream I had last night.

It was a weird nightmare because this time I didn't recognize them in it. I didn't call them by their names and they all looked like they were struggling and by releasing their hands, I was releasing them from their endeavors too. It turned out I caused their worries. I was the poison stinging them.

"All side effects. Don't think about them too much. Those nightmares don't mean anything." She said so casually as if she was so sure. However, she doesn't know what it's like to see someone you care about die every night whenever you close your eyes. She just doesn't know what it's like to be in the position I am right now.

"Noah, promise me you'll be totally honest with me. Answer me as someone not my psychiatrist or even a friend. Okay?"

"Okay." She answered right away. It was silent for a whole minute.

"Do you think I should just forget about what happened and move on with my life? Am I just making a big deal out of all of this? Or should I tell my Mom about it and let her deal with it? There's only one thing I'm sure of though. I don't want Luke and Michael hurt. They didn't mean it to happen. I know they didn't." I told her.

She answered, "I don't think you should just let it pass because I get it's a lot to take in but for now, I don't think we should tell anyone yet. I want you to find out the whole story first before going around passing the vague information."

"I'm not ready to talk to either of them. I don't even think they'd want to talk to me. I haven't heard or seen them for a whole month." I shook my head, rolling on my bed to see the time: 3PM

"You said you worked with Michael at the daycare center in the mall?"

I corrected her and told her I worked with Luke and reminded her the story of how he dragged me there and made me read in front of children who called me "Poopy."

"My bad - but you said you've gone there like a week ago to quit, right?" She continued.

"Yeah, I did but it wasn't his shift and I was told he resigned a few days earlier." I told her.

It was still Ronaldo in charge while Marilyn was at home to take care of her baby, Stacey. I haven't been able to go to work and everyone advised me to just quit before I even get fired. So I did. I already had a lot of things to worry about and I figure, Luke thought of the same thing too - to just stay away from the places that held too many memories.

"Okay, do you know anyone else who could help you find out even the littlest information?" Nosh asked me.

I rubbed my temples with my thumb and forefinger as I thought hard.

Who else could have something to do with this?

And then I remembered the subtle hints Luke told me.

"To take new heights", I said on the phone.

"What?"

"Luke told me to figure that out and it was way before he actually confessed." I said agitated.

"Well have you figured it out?" Noah sounded so relaxed as if she had all the time in the world to talk to me. Good, my Mom has been paying her for a reason (I was kidding).

"No, but the phrase happened to be my friend's family's summer tag line. You know Calum Hood whose parents own that distribution company in Manhattan? Yeah, it's just complicated." I shook my head, stretching my arms before getting up.

My summer has been nothing but eventful. I sleep at 3 AM and wake up at 3 PM on days I don't have a session with Noah. The words "How are you feeling?" have been my own summer tag line.

Noah and I started going on and on about theories and investigating stuff.

"Wait, Calum told me he found something out but that was ages ago. Should I bring it up to him?" I asked her. We've been talking for an hour and a half already. My stomach started growling. I haven't eaten anything the whole day.

"How about you give Calum a call and tell me how it goes." She told me then hang up.

I dialed for Calum's number and waited for it to ring.

❆

(A/N): this was so boring and uh a filler. not in the best mood so i'd appreciate if you guys vote and comment. thanks for everything

Question of the day: what's your best pun/joke?

-Sofia x @lukeanillusion on twitter