Tommy averts his eyes as the television on the wall blares the current news.

He rests his chin on his palm, locking eyes with Clementine. She's swimming around pretty slowly.

"Shhh Clementine please. You're going to give us away."

The barista, Bad, stares at him in confusion as he hands him a blueberry muffin, "Tommy? Is this your friend?" He questions staring at the Sprite bottle.

"Daughter," He corrects automatically as takes a chunk out of the muffin, "Her name is Clementine and we are soulmates."

Bad nods with a smile, "Right, of course."

Tommy nods, humming loudly as the news reporter discusses a recent robbery.

"According to the toy shop owner, he was threatened and shot by a tall man child. Sixth ranking hero, the Willow was also at the crime scene but failed to capture the criminal, stating he was armed with a 'dart' gun."

Tommy whistles, narrowing his eyes at Clementine when she pauses to stare at him. "You need to learn the art of subtlety Clementine. "

Bad frowns at the television, "Isn't that just terrible? Why would anyone rob a toy shop owner of all things?"

Tommy shrugs, "No idea, honestly, some people just want to see the world suffer."

Bad furrows his brows, "I'm just trying to understand why the criminal chose a toy shop, isn't that just a new level of low?"

The teenager bristles, "Y'know, I'm sure they had their reasons. Maybe they were trying to escape certain death from an intimidating roommate who might have defenestrated them for the second time that week?"

Bad stares.

Tommy shrugs, "You never know."

Bad gives him another muffin, "Right, of course. How's Tubbo?"

Tommy sighs, "Angry, as usual. Apparently you shouldn't try to feed fish Coco Pops?"

Bad looks worriedly at Clementine, "You've been feeding her Coco Pops?"

Tommy nods, nonplussed, "Yeah, she likes them."

Bad looks at him in horror before glancing back at the fish, "How is she alive?"

Tommy scrunches up his nose, "What do you mean how is she alive? Look at her, she's fine. She's thriving in fact."

Clementine turns upside down in the bottle, floating in the water, frozen.

Bad lets out a cry, hand clasped over his mouth, "She's dead."

Tommy frowns, looking at his daughter before snorting, "No she's not, Clementine, stop it."

Clementine turns back around and starts swimming.

Bad stares.

Tommy nods, "See? She's cool."

Bad stares some more before clearing his throat, "Right. Well, I've got some, uh different fish food which might work better. I'll just go get that."

Tommy shrugs, "I think her diet of Coco Pops is fine, but we're running out so yeah I don't mind giving her some variety."

Bad nods, looking stressed. Jeez, running a cafe must be taking its strain on him huh?

"You ever considered therapy Bad?"

"What?" Bad asks, bewildered.

"Therapy," Tommy says slowly, "You ever considered it? You look stressed."

Bad laughs, albeit a bit awkwardly, "No, no I'm not stressed, just uh, surprised is all. About your fish."

Tommy frowns in confusion, "There's nothing wrong with Clementine. "

Bad nods fervently, "Right, right. Uh huh, yeah, of course."

Tommy narrows his eyes, "Are you questioning my parenting skills Bad?"

The man holds up his hands in surrender, "No, no. Of course not. I trust your, um, parenting methods."

Tommy keeps his eyes narrowed, scrutinizing the man before he nods in satisfaction. "Good, I'd hate to have to take my daughter and I's company to another cafe."

Bad nods, sweating a bit. "Uh huh, I'm glad. I'm just going to get that fish food now."

As Bad scampers off into the back room, Tommy turns to Clementine.

"Yes, yeah I know, he's a bit weird, but, but - can you listen please? Thank you, listen, I know he's a bit weird but he makes good muffins, for free ." He explains to the fish who swims around slowly.

Tommy rolls his eyes, "He's not suspicious of you . He just probably is just, like, scared, of your presence. Your magnificence. Clementine, please."

_____

Tommy adjusts his mask as he stalks along the edge of the Kingdom. He clutches Clementine in his grip, a bag of Coco Pops in the other.

"Alright, this is your first patrol Clementine, so you have to listen to everything I say."

Clementine stares up at him.

" Yes, everything I say, did I stutter?" Tommy sighs as he perches himself on a tree branch.

He undoes the bag of Coco Pops, grabbing a handful before he twists the cap of Clementine's bottle, sprinkling the cereal in the water.

"Tonight should be quiet," Tommy says as he overlooks the Kingdom, eyes stalking the empty streets.

"Are you done talking to the fish?" Tubbo's voice crackles through the speaker.

Tommy scowls, " Clementine." He corrects.

"I don't care, just - just stick to the mission."

Tommy rolls his eyes, "What was the mission again?" He asks, picking at his ear in boredom.

There's a frustrated noise on the other end of the earpiece. Tommy looks to Clementine and shrugs at the dramatics.

"Drugs, Tommy, drugs."

"Oh yeah!" Tommy claps his hands together, "The drugs." He recalls as he grabs another handful of Coco Pops.

"Please try to remember why you are out here - hey, hey are you eating? On patrol?!"

Tommy pauses halfway through his next mouthful, cereal crunching as he tries to awkwardly talk around it. "No."

"You're lying to me. I can hear you."

"Can you?" Tommy mumbles, slyly turning down the volume on the earpiece. "I don't think so, the wind is a bit crispy tonight. That's probably what you're hearing. Easy mistake."

"Tommy stop eating and act like a vigilante."

Tommy frowns, offended, "I don't need to act, I am-"

He pauses at the sound of shuffling from below. He glances to Clementine and then looks down.

"Suspicious sounds," He whispers to Tubbo.

"Su-suspicious sounds? Like what? Is it possible that you can actually explain things with detail? "

Tommy scratches his chin, "Sounded like uh, uhhhh," He looks to Clementine for help, who blows a bubble, "Yeah, it sounded like crunchy grass."

"Okay? Whatever, just, just go investigate it. Carefully."

"Sure big man," Tommy agrees, already slipping down the tree, Clementine in hand.

"I'm turning you off now," He whispers, clicking the earpiece off and interrupting the other boy's protests.

He hides behind a tree and watches as two men speak quietly in the cover of darkness.

Tommy narrows his eyes.

...Is that?

He resists facepalming. He should've fucking known. If there was anyone, it would be...

"Eyyyy' man you want some drugs?"

Big Q aka Quackity.

Tommy watches as the other guy shuffles awkwardly, pulling out a few notes and trying to slyly slide the money to the drug dealer.

He turns to Clementine to sigh quietly, "Never do drugs my child," Then he reconsiders, "Actually, do drugs, but don't buy them from him."

It's best to just get this over with.

Tommy steps out from behind the cover of the tree and clears his throat loudly. Both men let out a yelp of surprise, turning to look at him in unison.

Quackity looks surprised for a moment before grinning, "Eyyyyy man, it's my boy TommyInnit. What's good?"

Tommy sets Clementine down on the grass. "Not much to be honest, just, y'know, stopping a drug deal."

Quackity laughs, "Woah that's great man, you're popping off. Who you stopping?"

Tommy reaches behind him and pulls out his dart gun, "You."

Quackity frowns before laughing, "Nah man, this - this ain't a drug deal? What are you blind? I'm giving this guy therapy."

Tommy lowers the gun slightly, "Therapy?"

"Yeah dude," Quackity explains, "This guy is traumatised, went through some deep emotional shit."

"Oh fuck, seriously?" Tommy scratches his head awkwardly.

"Yeah, sucks balls dude. This guy, like - hah - he, like, tried robbing a store and got scoliosis."

"What the fuck?" Tommy raises an eyebrow, "Isn't scoliosis like, like, a medical condition?"

Quackity shrugs with a grin, "I dunno man, I'm just the therapist. Apparently he got like, a stick to the back? And it like, totally fucking, rearranged his spine."

That sounds kinda familiar...

Tommy glances at the other guy for the first time, squinting to get a better look. Black mask...

"Quagmire?!"

The guy grunts. "Yeah, it's me. You fucked up my spine you dickhead."

Now that he looks at him properly, the robber's back is curved, but like, inwards.

Tommy winces before realizing, "Didn't you try to kill me?! You're a fucking piece of shit dude, I like, told you about my fish and the fucking tank and you threw a knife at me!"

Quackity frowns, "Hey man, that ain't cool, why would you try to kill a fish parent?"

Quagmire huffs, "I was trying to rob a fucking store! Who do you think I am? Jesus Christ?"

Tommy shrugs, "I mean. We've never seen your face so,"

Quackity nods, "Yeah that's true, you could like, totally be Jesus Christ dude. Which is like so much worse, because you tried to kill someone."

"I'm not Jesus Christ! " Quagmire shouts.

Tommy and Quackity raise their hands in surrender. "Jeez, calm down big man. It was just an assumption, easy to make." Tommy soothes.

Quagmire gestures his hands around in frustration, "What the hell is wrong with you guys?! You," He points at Tommy, "Are a bloody vigilante , you're already illegal and on top of that you brought your fucking fish with you! Why the hell is it in a Sprite bottle?!"

Oh my god , this guy needs to take a chill pill. He's acting like this is his first rodeo or some shit.

"And you ," Quagmire points to Quackity, "Aren't a therapist , you're a drug dealer!"

"You lied to me?" Tommy questions, betrayed.

Quackity laughs nervously, "No, listen Tommy. I didn't lie. I am a therapist and I treat my patients with uh, happy powder."

Tommy sighs, head in hands. "I can't believe you've done this."

He takes his gun back up and shoots Quackity in the leg, the man going down with a cry before passing out. Honestly, the darts aren't even that strong.

Tommy turns to Quagmire, who lets out a shriek.

"Just let me go! You've already ruined my spine."

Tommy shoots him too and he crumples to the floor.

He turns to his daughter, "No mercy, Clementine, no mercy for them."

Clementine does a flip in the water.

There's more shuffling and Tommy jumps, turning around with his gun pointed.

Pointed at the Blade .

Oh shit.

"Oh wow," He says, lowkey freaking out, highkey having the best moment of his life.

"Hey," The Blade says casually, twirling his sword around his fingers.

This is the best moment ever . He's so cool, he's so cool. Oh god, oh god, Tommy is going to hyperventilate.

Tommy inhales shakily, breathing heavily before clearing his throat, "Hello," He says, voice dropped at least three octaves.

The Blade gestures to the men on the floor, "You do this?"

Tommy nods jerkily, "Uh, yea- yeah ," His voice cracks. Shit. "They were uh, drugging."

The Blade raises an eyebrow, amused. "'Drugging?'"

He nods again, brain to mouth filter non existent, "Yes, drugging . Doing the drug... things."

The Blade hums, looking Tommy up and down. "What's your name?"

Oh god, oh god. The Blade wants to know his name. This is epic. This is poggers. He looks down at Clementine in excitement, she swims fast in the water.

"I'm, uh," He stutters, "TommyInnit. The vigilante."

"Vigilante huh?" The Blade questions, mouth tugging into a half-smile.

Wait. Tommy's a vigilante. Why the fuck is he conversing with the very person who is meant to capture him?

His mind bursts into flames of panic. Alarms bells ringing. Thoughts overlapping of Oh fuck, oh jesus, you may die, oh jesus, oh fuck, oh shit, I'm hungry, oh shit, fuck, shit, oh god.

He should shoot him. He needs to shoot the Blade.

Tommy's hands shake. He can't shoot the Blade . That's like definitely illegal or something, it probably goes against the rules of everything, everywhere.

The Blade watches his internal panic, seemingly entertained. "Don't worry, I'm not here for catchin', I was just interested is all."

Tommy is still very worried.

"I for some reason, don't believe you," Tommy starts, "I like, you know that - that I shot your brother right?"

Why is he doing this to himself? Tommy isn't a masochist. Why is he self-sabotaging?

Then the Blade laughs, it's more of a bark of laughter - sudden and loud, "Oh I know, that helps me sleep peacefully at night."

Tommy is very confused. "You... like me shooting your brother?"

The Blade nods, grinning. It's a very scary grin. "Of course. Feel free to continue shooting him in fact. Actually y'know what? What kind of guns you like? I'll get you one, on the house."

Tommy's mind is in shambles.

The Blade, the Blade wants to fucking, gift him guns?

What timeline is this?

"Uh, right. Can you just, hold that thought for a fucking moment," Tommy laughs, bordering on the edge of insanity, probably.

He needs a goddamn minute.

He turns to Clementine who is already staring at him. " Clementine, what the fuck is this? Did you do this? Have we entered an alternate fucking dimension?" He accuses the fish who just gapes at him.

"Unbelievable. I'm blaming you. This- this is some weird shit. He's offering to buy me guns . Tubbo's right, I can't have real guns. It would like, completely put the world out of balance or some shit."

Clementine swims slowly.

"You know what? Okay, you're - you're right. Okay, okay." He nods to his daughter before turning back to the Blade.

The Blade is staring at him in fascination. Tommy shuffles awkwardly on the spot.

"Sorry about that," Tommy coughs, "I uh, yes, I will continue to shoot the Willow, if you'd like?"

He's not really sure how to go about this.

The Blade huffs a laughter, "Sure kid."

Tommy bristles, "I'm actually, like, not a fucking child. I'm a big man. Probably older than you actually."

The Blade raises an eyebrow in disbelief, but otherwise shrugs, "Whatever you say child."

Now he's just trying to annoy him.

Tommy does not pout . "Not a child ."

"Okay child."

Fuck shooting the Willow. Tommy's about to shoot this guy, no hesitation. He raises his gun higher in warning.

The Blade just smirks, "You think that's going to work?"

Tommy shrugs, "Let's find out."

He shoots him.

The hero barely startles. Tommy hates that he is impressed and kinda fanboying at how cool he is.

The Blade grimaces at the dart stuck in his arm before pulling it out, "What the hell is in these?"

Tommy shrugs again. He has no idea.

"Well, as fun as this has been. Shootin' and all. I'm gonna take these criminals off your hands," The Blade sighs, leaning down to chuck Quackity over his shoulder.

Tommy tries not to deflate in disappointment. "Yeah that's cool, thanks for not like, arresting me or something. See you around Blade."

As the Blade picks up Quagmire, he turns to the teenager, smiling small. "Techno."

"Huh?" Tommy frowns.

"Call me Techno."

And with that, the hero disappears into the darkness.

Tommy stands still, frozen.

" Clementine," He whispers reverently, " Clementine, we just - we just got the Blade 's name?"

He just got the Blade's name.

_____

"Tommy fucking Innit! I told you not to turn the earpiece off! Why don't you ever listen to me, I swear . What's the point in me even making the bloody tech?! You're sleeping on the couch. I hope you freeze. Honestly. You don't deserve a bed, or - or - is that? Is that Coco Pops in Clementine's water?! I told you not to feed her that shit! I swear, Fredderick is a better listener than you!... "

Tommy tunes out, a dopey grin on his face as Tubbo seethes.

He got the Blade's fucking name. And he has permission to shoot Willow. And he's getting guns, for free.

No one is doing it like TommyInnit, the courageous and talented and handsome and charismatic vigilante.

_____

Wilbur stares at Techno, eyes narrowed. "Why are you smiling like that?"

Techno flops down onto the couch next to his brother to smirk at him, "I have no idea what you are talking about, dear brother."

Phil watches the scene with increasing worry. He just replaced the windows.

"What did you do?" Wilbur questions, lips in a scowl.

Techno shrugs, "Nothing much, arrested a drug dealer, bought dinner, talked with your arch nemesis," The man lists off his fingers.

Wilbur's eyes widen before they settle into a glare, "You talked to that demon?!"

Techno grins, "It was a pleasure really, to talk with the person who has caused you so much suffering."

Wilbur grits his teeth, "Why didn't you arrest him?!"

Techno shrugs, "Because, it's fun."

"Fun?!" Wilbur screeches incredulously. The hero turns to Phil, eyes scorching with rage. "Phil, did you just hear this dickhead?"

Phil sweats. "Mmm."

"For fun?"  Wilbur repeats, fists clenching. "I'll show you fun. Do a flip off the building."

Phil sighs.