Ranboo watches as Tubbo zips up his hoodie, expression fierce, stance tense.

"Are you sure we should do this?" He questions nervously, scratching the back of his neck beneath his own hoodie.

Tubbo turns to him, eyes hard, "This is the only option Ranboo."

"Um, no," Ranboo shifts, "I feel like, there are many, many, other ways to go about this."

"This is my only option," Tubbo corrects, crossing his arms before adding, " So , it's your only option."

Ranboo looks down at him, raising an eyebrow, unconvinced.

"We are doing this," Tubbo states firmly.

Ranboo sighs, "Of course dear, anything you say dear," He says sarcastically.

He's starting to think this friendship has a major power imbalance... and it's not in his favour.

Tubbo grins, "I knew you'd come around eventually. C'mon, this will be fun Boo."

Ranboo purses his lips, "Yeah, I'm sure, for you."

Tubbo's grin widens.

"This is what you signed up for, by living in my house," Tubbo shrugs.

"Apartment," He corrects, smiling despite his impending doom.

"Whatever," Tubbo waves a hand.

"I feel like this debt is slightly unfair," Ranboo huffs, "By living in your house, I what? Have to suffer public humiliation?"

"Yes," Tubbo stares at him.

Ranboo laughs, reaching out to pull Tubbo's hood up and over his head, ruffling his hair, "You're pure chaotic evil."

Tubbo grins up at him, teeth showing, "You love me for it."

As Ranboo stares down at the boy - decked out in a green dinosaur hoodie which should be adorable and yet is somehow intimidating - he thinks that maybe he regrets befriending the physical version of the devil on his shoulder.

But maybe he likes it a little too much.

Either way, he doesn't think he really had a choice in the matter.

Tubbo gets what Tubbo wants.

_____

Tommy wakes up suspiciously comfortable.

There is no foot in his face.

He blinks his eyes open in confusion, scrunching up his nose as he yawns.

Blinking blearily at his surroundings, the world blurs for a moment before becoming clear.

He stiffens.

This isn't his house. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the-

"Oh my god, shut up ," A voice growls beneath him.

Wait, beneath him?

Tommy lifts his head, eyebrows furrowed. He looks down and lets out a yelp.

What the fuck.

"Wilbur?" He croaks out at the man, who is glaring up at him.

The man grabs him by the elbow, dragging him back to his chest.

"Go to fucking sleep gremlin," Wilbur huffs, placing a hand in Tommy's hair.

"What the fuck?" Tommy mumbles, eyes already falling shut as the fingers in his hair start moving.

"Shh," Wilbur hushes him, "It's too early and once you start talking, you don't fucking stop."

Tommy frowns. That's just bloody rude.

"That's fucking rude big man, I'll have you know-"

"Shut the fuck up," Wilbur growls.

Tommy clamps his mouth shut.

Listen, Wilbur isn't scary or anything, Tommy could probably, totally, maybe, take the guy in a fight. Anyways, Tommy isn't listening to the guy cause' he's scary, that'd - that'd be stupid. He's just - he's just tired okay? He's not intimidated by the hero or anything. He's fucking TommyInnit, the courageous and athletic and handsome and charismatic vigil-

The fingers running through his hair make his mind buffer for a second, a yawn escaping.

He's - he's TommyInnit, the courageous and athletic and-

Wilbur hums lightly, chest rumbling beneath Tommy's head.

He's - he's TommyInnit, the - the...

_____

"You drugged me!" Tommy accuses over the dining table.

Wilbur raises a tired eyebrow at him. Philza isn't even listening, scrolling through Twitter or something. Technoblade is drowning in his bowl of cereal.

"I what?" The man yawns.

" Drugged me," Tommy hisses. He turns to Philza, "Philza, Philza, he drugged me."

Philza hums, glancing over at him, momentarily turning his attention from his phone, "He did what mate?"

" Drugs, " Tommy whispers, "I have been drugged."

Philza nods, "And how did you come to that conclusion?"

"I- I was forced back to sleep against my will," Tommy seethes, "He used magic and drugs. Magical drugs."

Philza tilts his head, "I thought his ability didn't work on you?"

Tommy raises a finger, pausing, "Well, that's why it wasn't his ability. It was fucking drugs."

"There's no drugs in penthouse, mate," Philza smiles before pausing, "At least, I fucking hope not."

"Drugs is the only possible reason," Tommy stares.

Wilbur snorts, "Hey Phil, Phil, scratch his hair."

"Hmm what, why?" Philza frowns, despite his hand already reaching out towards Tommy.

Wilbur just grins, the bastard, "Just do it."

Tommy goes to protest only for his brain to completely shut down, form slumping in the fingers that comb through his hair.

Philza lets out a surprised laugh, "Oh my god," He marvels, "It's- it's like his off button. Wil, you're a genius."

Tommy tries to glare at Wilbur from his slumped position.

Wilbur smirks, "He's like a puppy, fucking annoying all the time."

Tommy sluggishly lifts his middle finger, "Fuck off, you stupid bitch boy," He scowls.

"Aw Tommy, Tommy," Wilbur coos, "You like head scratches? You wanna go play fetch later?"

Tommy is going to commit many crimes against this man.

Philza lifts his hand from his hair with an amused huff. Tommy does not chase his hand. He does not feel disappointment

He glares, cheeks flushing, "Fuck you, fuck your bald head, fuck your stupid powers and your stupid face."

Wilbur frowns, hand reaching up to grasp at his head, "I'm not bald."

Tommy shrugs, feigning disinterest as he inspects his fingernails, "You sure about that?"

Wilbur pauses, pulling down a strand of his hair to stare at it, "Yes?" He clears his throat, "I mean yes. What the fuck, I'm not bald."

Tommy hisses through his teeth, glancing over at Clementine who is placed next to him, "Yikes," He whispers to her before turning to the man, "You're in what? Denial? That's the first stage of grief Wil."

"I'm?" Wilbur stares at him in disbelief, "I'm not grieving?"

"Woah, you're deep in denial," Tommy pulls a face.

"I'm not fucking grieving. There's nothing to grieve, I'm not bald."

"Listen, don't displace your anger on me," Tommy placates, raising his palms in soothing motion, "I know this is a hard time for you, being bald is a tough realization. I can help you through this, I can support you through this, but I am not your therapist. Seek professional help before taking out your problems on innocent individuals such as myself."

Wilbur throws up his hands in frustration, "Fuck you, fuck your mind games, I hate you."

"Mind games? Jeez, I think you're beyond help at this point," Tommy sighs, "I retract my previous statement, seek um, seek an exorcism."

"What the fuck," Wilbur stares before turning to Philza, desperate, "Phil, Phil, tell him to stop fucking bullshitting."

"Uh what?" Philza glances up from his phone, "Sorry kids, wasn't listening. Don't think I really want to listen. Tommy stop doing whatever you're doing, Wil, don't kill him or something."

"Tell me I'm not bald!" Wilbur screams.

Tommy snorts, sending a knowing look to Clementine. What can you do, really, when someone's in denial of baldness?

"Listen, Wilbur, big guy, there's loads of amazing people who are bald. Like The Rock, um, John Cena, Caillou, Saitama," He lists off of his fingers, "They are all pretty cool people. You're not one of them, of course. You're not a cool bald person. You're not even an alright bald person. You're the worst of the bald community, in fact, you give them a bad rep just by existing."

Wilbur's expression turns stony.

Uh oh.

Tommy quickly exists his seat, "I'm just going to like, widen the distance between us, big man, because you seem kinda volatile and-"

Wilbur lunges for him.

Tommy screams.

Technoblade stays sleeping in his bowl of cereal.

Philza sighs.

_____

"So you both just- just ignored exactly what I told you not to do?" Philza stares at them.

Tommy whistles, staring out the window. Wilbur stares up at the ceiling humming.

" Boys."

"If anything it's Wilb-"

"No," Wilbur cuts him off, "It's entirely Tommy's fault."

"Hey, fuck off," He scowls, "It was you. You started this. Just because you're touchy about your bal-"

"Do not fucking start- " Wilbur seethes.

"Oh my god," Philza groans, "Can you guys stop fucking trying to commit assault for five fucking seconds?" He glares.

They both shut up.

Philza is a terrifying man.

"Tommy," Philza starts. Tommy cowers in his seat. "For the love of god, stop antagonizing Wil about his baldness," He sighs, before adding, "And stop biting him. It's just not hygienic, mate."

Tommy sniffs, crossing his arms.

"And Wil," He turns to the man, who pouts, "Stop trying to chuck him out the building. He's a child.  He will probably die, I think."

Wilbur shrugs, "Okay, I guess."

Philza claps his hands together, "Great, perfect, now can we continue breakfast without unnecessary violence?"

They both nod before pausing.

Wait.

"I'm not bald!"

"I'm not a child!"

_____

Tommy was honestly vibing, he was having the best time of his life, watching Minecraft parkour videos with Technoblade in the living room, when his phone rings.

He was naïve. So, so naïve.

This is a tragic tale.

He has picked up the phone so innocently, so ignorantly. He had lifted it to his ear, not checking the caller ID. This was his first mistake, but it was not his last.

"Tommy," Tubbo's voice had crackled through the speaker, devoid of emotion.

And it was at that moment, that Tommy realised, he fucked up.

"Oh! Tubbo," He had chuckled nervously, sweating. "How are you today? Well, I hope. The weather is nice out. What would you like for dinner? Anything you particularly like? Chocolates? You want chocolate? I can get you chocolates?"

There was a laugh that cracked through the line, sinister and foreboding. "Oh, Tommy."

Shivers had gone down his spine.

"Don't worry about chocolates," He could hear the smile in Tubbo's voice. "You will pay one way or another."

And then, the line had cut off.

Truly a terrible day for the TommyInnit community. Truly , a terrible day...

_____

"Wait, so lemme get this straight," Philza starts, "There's this Tubbo person... and he's going to kill you?"

Tommy shakes his head rapidly, "No, much, much worse."

"Worse than dying?" Philza raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

Tommy nods seriously, "Yes."

Technoblade snorts, "Surely this guy isn't that bad."

Tommy scoffs, "You underestimate him. He is not a force to be reckoned with, and I have done many reckonings."

Wilbur smirks, "That sounds like a you problem."

Tommy stares, "You kidnapped me."

Wilbur pauses before shrugging, "Still a you problem."

Tommy is going to strangle this man. He groans, "Only Clementine, understands the true pain I suffer. Isn't that right my daughter?"

Clementine does a flip.

"You're so right Clementine, you're so right," He nods. "We just need to go."

"What?" Philza frowns.

Tommy sighs, standing up, "Me and Clementine have decided to leave the kingdom for personal reasons that we cannot disclose. We will also not disclose our location as you three are liabilities and witnesses. We must escape by dawn and hope for the best."

Technoblade snags him back down onto the couch by his hoodie, "I don't think so."

"But Technoblade, you have to understand," Tommy pleads, widening his eyes, "Defenestration Bro to Defenestration Bro-"

"I didn't agree to that title," The man cuts him off.

Tommy frowns, "No, we're keeping it. Defenestration Bros™️ is the best name in existence. Anyways, you've got to understand. You must let us go."

"You're seriously overreacting, oh my god," Wilbur rolls his eyes, "Who even is this fucking Tubbo?"

"My roommate," Tommy sighs.

"Wait, you have a roommate?"

"You're our roommate now."

"Hah, L."

Tommy glares at them. How do they not understand the severity of the situation? Children, the lot of them.

"You will all understand soon enough," Tommy sighs, shaking his head, "And then, you will feel deep, deep regret."

"Are you sure you don't want to just stay here, mate?" Philza offers like the beautiful, majestic, martyr of a man. Truly a hero.

"Philza, you a wonderful man," Tommy answers sincerely, placing his hand atop the man's shoulder. "Truly a blessing to our nation. But not even you can save me from his wrath. He will find me. And if he finds me here, the damage will be plentiful."

"Why do you speak like that?" Wilbur's face goes sour.

Tommy rolls his eyes. Honestly, this guy just hates him. "Why do you look like that? Bald bitch."

"I'm not fucking bald!"

_____

So, Wilbur, Technoblade and Philza have decided to follow him on his journey to his demise.

How lovely of them.

Tommy drags his feet as they walk through the town, dejected, with Clementine in his grasp.

"Hey, what the fuck is this?" Wilbur calls out, waving a piece of paper in his hand, a few steps behind the rest of them.

Tommy turns around, squinting at the paper before letting out a noise of realization, "Oh, that's just a missing poster."

Wilbur stares at him, " Your missing poster."

Tommy nods, nonplussed, "Yup."

"Why aren't you surprised?" Wilbur stares at him in bewilderment.

Tommy shrugs, "Those come out fairly often, I'm pretty sure most of the kingdom doesn't even bother looking for me anymore. It's like, a monthly thing," He waves him off.

Wilbur stares at the poster and then at Tommy and then back at the poster. "You are just insane."

Well that's rude.

"Hey, don't judge others' life choices. I'm not insane. I'm very sane, in fact," He scowls.

Wilbur stares at him.

Tommy rolls his eyes, "Honestly-"

He's cut off by a high pitched ringing noise. He lets out a noise of confusion, glancing around to the find the source.

Tommy finds it.

A large billboard flickers to life, showcasing live feed.

He squints. What the fuck.

Everyone in the area has turned to watch in confusion and intrigue.

The screen goes from white to the scenery of a...  bakery?

Two people walk into the frame.

Tommy lets out a gasp of horror.

Oh god.

Tubbo smiles, wide and menacing.

"TommyInnit, I know you're fucking watching this."

Tommy watches as Tubbo clears his throat, standing beside fucking Ranboob. They're both wearing dinosaur hoodies.

Wait... they got fucking matching hoodies without him?

This- this is blasphemous.

"Tubbo is a child?" Technoblade whispers in confusion.

Tommy realises the heroes are staring at him. He sighs. "He's more than a child."

"You keep fucking disappearing all the time," Tubbo continues, still smiling as he cracks his knuckles. Ranboob stands awkwardly beside the shorter boy, silent and fidgeting.

"And I bet you think it's funny huh? Well, Tommy," Tubbo clasps his hands together. "If you don't return within the next twenty-four hours... " The boy grins, eyes bright and almost glowing with intensity. "Many, many bad things will happen to you."

Tommy gulps.

"But!" Tubbo raises a finger, giggling, "Just to make sure I get my point across, here's a little taste of your medicine."

Oh god.

The screen cuts to black.

Tommy inches away from the screen in fear. Surely, surely, Tubbo wouldn't- he wouldn't-

" Jump in the Cadillac-"

Tommy lets out a scream of agony, "NO!"

" Girl let's put some miles on it."

The gods have forsaken him. This is the worst day of his life.

His face is on the billboard, fucking lip syncing That's What I Like by Bruno Mars.

Tubbo is the devil.

" Anything you want-"

Wilbur bursts out laughing, Philza following quickly. Technoblade snorts.

"Hah- oh my- oh my god- hah!"   Wilbur wheezes, slapping his knee as he crumpled onto the ground on a fit of laughter. "You're - you're - hah - you're such a fucking loser!""

This may just be Tommy's villain arc.

" Just to put a smile on you-"

"Tommy," Technoblade smirks, "I never knew you were so passionate about Bruno Mars."

"Shut up," He seethes, "Stop fucking laughing. This is- this is not acceptable!"

Philza wheezes.

How could he. How could his hero laugh at his misery.

Tubbo has no mercy.

" You deserve it baby, you deserve it all and I'm gonna give it to you-"

_____

Ranboo watches as Tubbo cackles maniacally.

Oh man.

He slowly inches himself away from the boy.

"This is very good, Boo," Tubbo grins. "I can feel his suffering."

Ranboo hopes he never ends up on Tubbo's bad side. Or even his good side. Hopefully no side at all.

"Uh huh," He nods uneasily, silently