Another dream, another moment...

Victorious always worries so much about me and she becomes nervous after undergoing metamorphosis. She isn't too happy after I said it's both incomplete and might turn unstable if I overuse it. To me, my life is as fragile as an ordinary human. My body is stronger now, but my soul remains the same as ever. I'm terrible at refusals, so I end up forcing myself to agree with my older sister and assuring Victorious.

"..."

As I sit out in the open where the beach is just nearby, I contemplate on how I've been trying to push my ability to the limit. Since I entered the META stage, I'm fortunate enough not to have any side effects of losing my emotions and unable to control my freezing ability. Although my body is still constant in sub-zero temperature, I can control it enough to just be as cold as ice upon touch.

"Hmm..."

I lean on the metallic chair and place my left arm on the arm rest. The gentle sound of the waves on the beach and the nearly quiet breeze relaxes my nerves. I'm a bit annoyed with the increasing pressure from Bismarck and having to increase the output of my metamorphosis. Neumark said a sudden spike in release would have unintended consequences, but Bismarck refuses to listen to her.

"A promise, huh..."

I fold my fingers except for my pinky finger because I reminded myself of the promise I had to make a few days ago. Normally it should bother me, but I find myself thinking about it several times a day.

"..."

The peace and quiet continues to surround me, but I csn barely concentrate with this single thought. It's a promise I made to a dear friend, but I know I can't guarantee it. I can't tell her while I won't be suicidal, I don't have a strong will to live. Once I meet my end, I don't wish to be brought back to life even if Victorious does it.

"It's rare to see you alone. You're always by Victorious' side"

Alabama cheerfully greets me as she approaches me. In the past, she would usually pester me for any kind of competition much like how Victorious would try to drag me for tea parties. Now, she's less annoying than before, so I don't really say anything or force her to go away.

"What's wrong? You look very troubled" Alabama takes a seat

"I made a careless promise that I don't even know I can keep" I let out a deep sigh

"Let me guess, it's about Victorious?"

"Yeah. I made a promise recently...but I'm not even too sure about it"

I don't usually confide my personal thoughts in others, but Alabama is someone I know I can trust after fighting alongside her for so long. My doubts, fears, and worries are only to myself. Victorious would be very upset if she finds out I'm still keeping secrets from her.

"Victorious is scared of me dying, so she made my promise to keep on living and she even said she'd drag me back to life if I die" I fold my finger

"That bothers you?" Alabama crosses her arms

"Of course it does. I know I wouldn't be able to fulfill it in the end" I just grunt

"Huh? Why is that?"

"Once I die, I would rather stay dead. I don't want to be revived even if it's for Victorious' sake"

"Yeah, that's a problem. You promised to live no matter what, but you'd easily accept dying"

Alabama presses her hands on both of her temples looking uncertain if she has something to advice me or not. Well, it's not like I'm seeking a solution from her. I just feel the need to discuss it with someone who can keep their mouth shut.

"Victorious will feel like you lied to her and she'd curse you even more once you die. She's very emotional, you know" Alabama tilts her head left and right

"I agreed to a promise without thinking because I couldn't stand her looking so worried and anxious at me" I shake my head and grunt

"It's too late to take it back now. You got to keep your word since you promised Victorious of all people" Alabama points at my head

"Yeah, I'm aware of that"

"Geez. You promised something without thinking things through"

"I couldn't help but follow most of her whims. As a result, I end up doting and spoiling her just to keep her happy"

This is what happens when I get too attached to someone. It's very rare for me to see someone as a dear friend and when I do, I cherish them to the point I just agree to Victorious' whims because I become a softhearted idiot when around her.

"I know this would cause so much regret in the future, but I would prefer to stay dead because once you bring someone back...they'll never be the same person as before"

I know I might end up as someone drastically different or just completely unrecognizable if I die and return to life. Humans can never play God, so toying with a soul always backfires horribly. It's as if a hypothetical God is reminding humans how "a life has been lost cannot be retaken". That's why we shouldn't take things for granted.

"Besides, my will to live wavers with each battle. It's like I'm getting weary every time..."

I need to confess to someone somehow to relieve a bit of the weight in my chest. There's no doubt that I'm indeed "exhausted". I tried to ignore and reject it for the longest time, but the weight is too much now.

"You're looking for a resting place..."

"Before that, I'm looking for how I can die without inconvenience"

"You made a promise to live when you want to die?" Alabama angrily stands up

"We're just humans, Alabama. Not all of us can reignite their will to live. I'm one of those weak people who prefers the easy way out" I couldn't even face Alabama

"To choose the easy way out means will end up being lonely for your decisions"

For certain, Alabama is referring to Victorious since I made the promise to her. Victorious is safely assuring herself that I won't give up so easily and perhaps she suspected that I stopped trying at some point. It wouldn't be strange because we've been friends for so long.

"I really became selfish..." I clench my fists

"..." Alabama quietly stands behind me

"Still, I know when to let go..."

I want to continue by adding "Before I destroy who I am", but even that is tiring to me. My sister, Bismarck keeps tirelessly trudges forward, and it shows the difference between us. She has ambitions and the will to see it through while I've grown disillusioned not at the world but at myself.

I hope you can understand that one day, Victorious...

___________________________________________

Why does it feels like everything is fading? My body is accustomed to the harsh cold, yet the sensation is prickling and burning my skin. My hands are shaking at first but now it feels numb.

[There's no need to think about it...]

[Let it all fade away...]

[It will free you from everything]

[That's why...]

[...I have to kill you over and over again]

It's a familiar voice. A warm and gentle voice that I dearly trust without knowing why. I just know I don't need to hesitate to listen to it and trust it.

[It's alright...]

The soft voice becomes clearer...and I could "feel" its warm touch. A delicate hand gently caresses my cheeks. I want to "answer" it, but my body is mostly paralyzed. My consciousness is so faint that I could barely open my eyes, just enough to gaze at w blurry figure whose voice is echoing all over the place.

"Let the listlessness engulf you"

My eyes couldn't fully open, my body remains motionless, and my voice is cut off as the source of that voice slowly moves herself closer. She's at least a few inches from my paralyzed body and I believe she's softly humming near my ear.

(I feel my senses are drowning...)

"Let it drown..."

The voice echoes inside me as if it's to convince behind my thoughts and into my soul. It's trying to appeal me and make me forget everything but thst voice's call.

(There's only futility and emptiness...)

"There's nothing to worry about..."

Again, the voice persuades me in a calm and gentle voice. My instincts and intuition scream out that I mustn't be blind to it. I must listen to myself, but whenever I try to look away, it suddenly pulls me to face "her".

You're not allowed to die just yet...

The power needs to be contained inside you...

No one outside Iron Blood must have it...

I know you can put it to use for our nation's sake...

...because you're my younger sister after all...

Bismarck? It's the faint memory of Bismarck speaking to my faintly conscious body a year ago back when they're about to perform the operation on me. It seems different all of a sudden. Only when I drift into the deepest corners of my mind that I remember Bismarck is only focused on securing the cube's fragment out of fear losing it. She's not afraid of losing me, just the unknown power in Iron Blood's possession.

(Why...?)

"Bismarck never looked at you. She was only focused on the power" The voice responds

(This is not...)

"Power is everything to Iron Blood, remember? Without one, you're to be discarded"

(I remember...)

"You were about to be discarded too, but even a corpse can still be reused for their own purposes"

(...)

"Have you forgotten who abandoned you and left you to die in the fjords? You were sent there to die...by Bismarck herself"

I want to deny it. I want to reject it. If only it's a lie, I could easily respond that "she's wrong". My initial belief is "second chance" exists, so I willingly pushed aside that memory for so long. Since the beginning, Bismarck has been desperate to utilize the fragment's power. Only when I touched it without consequences did she finally " look" at me.

It turns out she only looked at the power...

...

...

...

The familiar four plain white corners of a closed room keeps an unseen chill contained inside. It's as if it's already winter the moment someone pushes the door open because of the patient's unconscious work inside.

"Nnggh..." Tirpitz let out a faint noise upon slowly opening her eyes

Tirpitz has difficulty opening her eyes alone due to the heavy sensation pressing against every corner of her body. It's completely silent that the silence becomes a faint ringing in her ears.

"Huh. I'm still alive..." Tirpitz blinks a few times after completely opening her eyes

In the first few seconds of fully regaining consciousness, she immediately recognizes the ceiling and furniture inside an infirmary room. To be specific, it's somewhat of a private ICU room within the base.

"Ugh...I can barely move..."

The moment Tirpitz tries to move her left arm and lift her back, her entire body feels stiff and heavy as if something is tightly wrapping around her limbs and shackles weighing her down. She suffered a near-death battle and even with the resilience and natural recovery of the META's power, her normal kansen body is experiencing the backlash of using a META's power without prior knowledge of its capabilities.

"That's your fault for being stupid and reckless. You had a chance, but you made a fool out of yourself!" Tirpitz META clicks her tongue

The projection only Tirpitz could see and hear leans by a nearby wall with her arms crossed and her glare fixated on the heavily weakened Tirpitz. It's obvious she wants to relay how irritated and disappointed she is with the result even after being forced back to dormancy by Tirpitz during the battle.

"We're the same person, so you're just insulting yourself" Tirpitz lets out a sigh

"You had the chance to beat Victorious, but you just stared and kept talking like a complete idiot! As a result, you got your throat slit, stabbed in the stomach, and nearly had your chest carved open"

The deceased META couldn't restrain her frustration and marches towards the side of the bed. She couldn't even hurt Tirpitz no matter how much she wants it as she has no physical body to interact with reality and reduced to a projection.

"If it wasn't for my power, you would be at the bottom of the sea right now!" Tirpitz META grits her teeth

"Is...Victorious safe? I can't remember anything after I've been stabbed..." Tirpitz ignores her complaints

"Why you - ugh, she's alive and well. The bloody idiot when had enough strength to cut on the fight after you passed out from your injuries" Tirpitz META slaps herself in the face

"I remember shedding tears when I thought I'd lose her again...but somehow it feels faint like a passing thought"

"Like a passing thought? It's unusual to be disconnected, but you're emotions were suppressed, not completely erased. If you completely lost them, then you can't be human anymore"

"Then I can still return to who I used to be?"

Tirpitz presses her elbows on the bed, slowly and shakingly forcing to at least raise her upper body from lying on the bed. The META may have saved her dying for personal reasons, but she lost most of her strength and too weak to make simple movements such as standing up.

"You don't sound too happy" Tirpitz META narrows her eyes

"..."

"I meant why you're not looking forward to it"

"I've stayed like this for a year now, so I...lack interest to pursue it now"

"Something's wrong. You're hesitating on regaining your emotions" Tirpitz META shakes her head in shock

"I can only forgive Bismarck because I remained emotionless. My normal self wouldn't even want to hear her name" Tirpitz immediately admits

"So you know there would still be strong hate inside you"

"I was against returning to Iron Blood but Victorious convinced me it's out of necessity. Even talking to Bismarck again was something she scolded me to try. Truthfully speaking, I didn't care so I just listened to her"

If there's anything her words could describe her perception, it would be bitterness and regret for being swayed. Since it's from the one person she sees as a friend, she doesn't complain or question it.

"This made me think that Bismarck may have only said half-truths and that while she didn't lie, she omitted key details I wouldn't like to hear"

Tirpitz tightly clings to the side of the bed and even when her arms are shaking from the overexertion, she forces her body to at least sit up and turn to the side of the bed.

"Huh? You only figured it out now?" Tirpitz META would hit her if she has physical form

"..."

"Bismarck did hide key details such as she's not really tricked into it because she already knew that traitor had ulterior motives"

"If that's the case, then why did she agree?"

"To test the fragment into you. To her and Iron Blood, it's just an experiment"

"..." Tirpitz quietly processes the thought

"Did you honestly think there was some form of sisterly affection to why she saved you? Everything humans built was built on lies and trampling lives. That's how humanity progressed" Tirpitz META clicks her tongue

"You're either a talkative version of me or a pesky inner demon. Either way, it's not like it matters. Nothing matters - not you, not Iron Blood...just nothing"

"What's gotten into you? It sounds like you're getting empty which is the opposite of what should be happening" Tirpitz META couldn't ignore the strange behavior

Tirpitz forcefully moves the rest of her body, standing up even if her body both remains stiff and sore. Her injuries have partially recovered, but it required to expend most of her body's strength and stamina as a sacrifice.

"Still, that doesn't change the fact you truly don't want to regain your emotions because that means all the one year of bitterness and frustrations will all return" Tirpitz META steps in front of her

"..." Tirpitz blankly stares

"You're afraid, Tirpitz. You shed those tears before because you finally remember being afraid of losing someone...and yourself"

"..."

Since Tirpitz remains silent, this only proves the META's assumption is correct. Their personalities may be different due to the deceased META being driven by revenge, but the latter is aware what would "she" think if she's in the same situation.

"Afraid...? I don't think you and I share the same idea despite sharing the same body"

Tirpitz's voice is soft but lethargic as if she's completely disinterested even when talking to her deceased alter ego. It's not a response out of denial or rejection, just the genuine intrigue and...detachment.

Meanwhile...

Bismarck has recently regained consciousness. Even if she's still not in the ideal condition to fight in the open seas, she instead insists on returning to her daily work as the fleet leader of Iron Blood.

"Friedrich der Grosse insists on keeping Tirpitz in Iron Blood after the last incident" Bismarck informs Victorious

It may not be noticeable to other people, but Bismarck is setting aside her lack of strength and stamina out of her sense of duty. She couldn't strain her body, but to her the soreness of her entire body is little matter compared to Iron Blood needing their leader back.

"She really looked angry at me back then..." Victorious lowers her head

"In a way, I can understand her concern, but I don't wish to force Tirpitz again"

"Bismarck, why didn't you tell Tirpitz everything? The other me showed up and told me her side of the story"

For once, Victorious steels expression that her solid gaze is locked with Bismarck's surprised stare. Her voice lacks the softness and liveliness it always had to focus on making Bismarck reply honestly and without omitting more details.

"You wanted to save her to contain the fragment fearing it would be used by others. It's why you asked her for help when the opportunity is presented to you" Victorious doesn't hesitate to speak

"...I won't hide how I thought it would make Tirpitz stronger because she refuses to polish her capabilities"

"So you thought of forcing her to grow stronger because she doesn't want to" Victorious frowns at her

"I only hesitated because deep down I realized it means imposing my will on her. As her older sister, I shouldn't try to control her as that would strain our already...awkward relationship" Bismarck pauses before the last word

"That still got strained because she ended being cursed by your choice. It did save her from death at the cost of her humanity" Victorious lowers her gaze

"The reason why she behaves no different from before is because you keep her in line"

"You're making it sound like I'm keeping a leash on Tirpitz"

This causes a tense atmosphere between them after the second encounter with Victorious META results with the normal Victorious questioning Bismarck herself.

"I meant to say her attachment to you keeps her as the normal Tirpitz. If you weren't there, she may have deemed fighting for humans to be pointless"

"That's true. Since Tirpitz is such a suicidal blockhead, she might have left somewhere thinking she's at a dead end" Victorious shakes her head

Victorious closes her eyes for a few seconds, imagining observing Tirpitz from behind only to catch a glance on her eyes losing interest at her surroundings and to her life in general. It's the blank and silent expression of someone who had given up on pursuing a meaningless future in their eyes.

"So what do you intend to do? The others are pressuring you to make Tirpitz stay in Iron Blood after she's an inch close to death" Victorious returns to the original topic

"My decision remains the same. If I force Tirpitz to stay, I would repeat the same mistake a year ago" Bismarck furrows her eyebrows after