Fifteen

Oh, the Unpredictability of Life

I passed the days and weeks by keeping myself as busy as possible. I attended my weekly meetings, never leaving the hotel without a pep talk from Sylvia. Her words were always exactly what I needed to keep going. I increased my JKD workouts to three times a week and swam extra laps in the evenings. On my fishing days with Lee and Kate, I talked with them about Katia and finally told them of our feelings for each other, unsure of how the news would be received.

Kate had immediately hugged me, and Lee slapped me on the back and said, "I knew it would finally happen between you two. I'm happy for you, brother." Lee and Kate never really liked Suzanne and having their support now with Katia meant the world to me.

Katia and I talked every night, sometimes for hours. There were long moments when we didn't even speak, we just let ourselves be together, even though there were miles between us.

* * *

Sitting on the floor of Katia's dance studio, I closed my eyes and soaked in her essence. She'd been gone for a month and a half. You would think I would be better at missing her, but that just wasn't possible. I felt close to her in the studio, but truthfully, she was everywhere. There was no part of the house that I could enter and not see her in my mind. I really missed hearing her practicing, whether it was the piano or the cello, or even rocking out on the drums. I missed hearing the music, because where there was music, there was my Katia. Occasionally, I sat at the piano and played when the silence of the house was overwhelming. Then the memories of our playing together would flood my thoughts and that lonely ache would fill me anew.

Stretching out my legs and crossing my ankles, I leaned back on my hands as memories of another life made their way to the surface, and I took a moment to ponder my marriage to Suzanne. I had loved her and was sure we were meant to be together, but once we were married, her true colors came through clearly, and though I had started feeling like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying her, I was determined to keep trying, hoping she would change. When Lila died and we got Katia, I again held to the hope that Suzanne would change. Then I finally realized that she had to want to change, and she hadn't want it enough. But going through all of it led me to Katia.

Yes, I loved Suzanne, but when I compared it to what I now felt for Katia, there was no comparison, because loving Katia made me truly feel alive in so many ways. We knew each other so well that I was certain there was nothing we could not overcome. There was nothing I couldn't do as long as she was by my side.

Sighing, I lay on the floor and closed my eyes, wishing I could talk to my father. Even after all these years I still missed him, and I couldn't help wondering what he would think of Katia. He would love her, I was sure. He could not help it.

"I know you would love her, Papa," I whispered.

I had not talked to him in a long while, so I was surprised to hear his voice whisper to my mind, "I do love her, son." The comforting affirmation brought tears to my eyes. Then he said, "I'm proud of you," and I wept.

* * *

Katia called me the next afternoon. She was scheduled to come home in two weeks and I ached to see her.

"How are you today?" I asked her.

"I'm okay."

"You don't sound okay." And she didn't. "What's wrong, dolcezza?"

"I need to come home early. I'm flying in tonight. Can you meet me?"

"Of course, I can. But what is it?"

"I'll tell you when I come."

"You've got me worried, babe."

"I'm sorry, Angelo. It's not something I want to say over the phone. I really need to wait until I see you."

The tears I heard in her voice made me anxious. "All right." I wrote down her flight number and the time.

"Angelo?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too. I will see you tonight."

As I hung up the phone, numerous reasons for her early return raced through my mind. One possibility brought too much pain to even entertain the thought.

Has she changed her mind about me? About us?

* * *

I had managed to convince myself that I was just being paranoid about Katia not wanting to be with me, and if there was some other problem, we would face it together no matter what it was. But as I watched Katia walk through security, the worrying returned with a vengeance. When she saw me, she rushed through the crowd and flung herself into my embrace. I again felt her trembling as I held her close. She moved her arms from my waist to my neck. Rising on her tip-toes, she held me tighter. Whatever was wrong, it was not us, at least I hoped it wasn't.

"I need you, Angelo," she whispered. "I love you and I need you."

"I am here, angel. I love you too, and I'm here."

She finally drew back and quickly wiped her eyes. I took her hand and we went to get her luggage. She was wearing the ring and it was beautiful on her hand. As we walked to the car, I was suddenly nervous and edgy. Not knowing what was going on was getting to me, but I did my best to exercise patience. Other than declaring how much we missed each other, the ride was mostly silent.

When we got home, I took her luggage up to her room and she followed. We sat on the bed and I took her hands. "Please tell me, tesorina. What's wrong?"

Loosening one of her hands, she softly caressed my face. Then, instead of answering right away, she unzipped her suitcase and removed a large yellow envelope. It was a medical envelope that said test results and had her name printed on it. I immediately pressed a hand to my heart, totally unprepared for what she was about to tell me.

"I've been having irregular periods for a while."

I forced my voice to cooperate. "How long is a while?"

She hesitated. "For a year now."

My mind raced. So, we will not be able to have children. If that is it, we will deal with it together. We can always adopt. "You could have told me, Katia. You can tell me anything."

"I know, and I would have, but I read that sometimes it's normal. Sometimes there has also been a little pain in my stomach and back. I read that could be normal too."

"And sometimes it isn't," I said gently. "Did the doctor say you can't have children?"

She looked down for a moment. When she raised her eyes to mine, tears filled them and quickly streamed down her cheeks. "No."