Nobody tells you how difficult it is to marry into a close family after growing up in a trainwreck. I love his family, but I just feel like I don't belong. I don't have a typical relationship with my family, so I don't know how to interact in that setting. And then there's the depression of seeing what life could've been like if the two most important people in your life weren't so hell bent on destroying each other that they destroyed everything around them. It hurts to be in a place with so much familial love knowing you never got to have that as a child. How much of life did I miss out on because my sisters and I were just collateral in a war between our parents? Maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up. Maybe I would know how to fit in. Maybe I would be comfortable with love. All of the what ifs and could've beens eat me alive. I so desparately wish I knew how to be a part of a family. I'm incredibly thankful that his family has welcomed me with open arms and looked past my awkwardness. They do their best to make me feel at home, and I'm grateful. I just don't know how to leave the sadness and anxiety behind so I can enjoy it. It sucks.