Chapter 36 - The Roots of Hatred

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"Runaway husband," called out Lance. "Hunk, tackle him!"

"On it!" Shiro heard Hunk reply.

Shiro threw an arm back to signal to Hunk to let him be as he approached the couple.

He stopped a few paces from them, his instinct to be respectful kicking in. "Okaasan. Otousan."

"Taka-kun...," replied his mother. When Shiro saw the creases around her eyes and the deep sorrow contained within, he felt his heart breaking. A thousand tiny cuts reopening as he remembered every painful disappointed look and the idea of what his parents could have been to him if his sexuality hadn't let them down.

"I'm sorry," said Shiro, because apologizing to them was his routine. "I'm sorry I'm not the son you wished for."

"Do not speak that way, Taka-kun," said his father.

"We owe you an apology," said his mother. "When you get to the After, all the hate you held in life melts away, but what remains is the knowledge of how your hate affected others. I'm so ashamed we directed our hate towards you." Shiro's mother began to cry.

"We were wrong," said his father. "We were taught wrong. It would be diminutive to call you a lesson we failed to learn. What you were was a gift. A gift that could've turned our hate to love and we ignored and pushed away our only child in favour of holding on to hate."

"I... wanted you to accept me," said Shiro.

"There was nothing about you that needed to be accepted," cried his mother, the intensity of her emotion surprising Shiro. "We were the flawed ones. Please, Taka-kun, can you ever forgive us?"

The tears stung Shiro's eyes. He swallowed back on the lump in his throat. He'd imagined many times his parents reinitiating contact with him, but never so far as asking for forgiveness. Even in Shiro's wildest dreams he never pictured this and maybe there was some piece of him that still blamed himself for disappointing them. The After may have melted away his parents' hate, but Shiro wasn't dead and there was still a tiny shred inside him that he reserved for hating himself.

Shiro didn't answer, he was crying (being gay makes him weepy, remember?) How do you find forgiveness for the ones who in your childhood handed you the tools to your self-hatred? Who took away your chance of ever feeling comfortable in your own skin no matter how much time passed? No matter how much self-love you practiced. No matter how much you surrounded yourself with those who give their love unconditionally... If your parents plant that seed of hatred in you early enough, even if you chop down the tree when you grow old enough to question why you need it, the roots can stay and rot within you...

Shiro had one hand on the handle of his luggage and one hand firmly holding Adam's. Both were sweaty. They were late for the pick up time and most of the parents' vehicles were loaded and driving off. Shiro had had a panic attack in their room and it had taken Adam a long time to calm him down. Shiro looked around, trying to spot his parents car.

"Taka-kun!" he heard his mother's voice before he spotted her and his dad, standing beside their family car.

Shiro likely squeezed a bit too hard as he pulled Adam towards them. They weaved around the last car, Shiro coming into full view first.

"We're already late, Taka-kun. We'll hit traffic if we don't hurry. Give your bag to your father and he'll..." His mother trailed off. Shiro had come to stand before her with Adam. Her eye line was at on their clasped hands. Shiro watched the look of confusion wash across her face before it moved through horror and then settled on something akin to disgust as if she were deeply offended. His dad was staring too.

Shiro had rehearsed what he'd say back in their dorm room with Reece and Mohammed playing the parts of his parents, but now in the moment, he couldn't even begin to get the words out.

"Get in the car," his mother said, all emotion missing from her voice.

"I want you to meet my boyfriend," Shiro said, all the words coming out in a rush. He'd had more prepared, but he couldn't think of it. Something about acceptance and how he thought they wanted him to be happy... Now that bit sounded dumb and unconvincing under their judging gaze now. It didn't matter the euphoria he'd felt the night before when confessing his feelings to Adam and having them returned, in this moment his mother's disgust became his disgust and he hated himself all over again.

"You don't have a boyfriend. You're a good boy," said his father. "You're the top of your class. You have a future."

Shiro wanted to explain that Adam was his future and he was only the top of his class because Adam made him feel capable of anything. Anything except convincing his parents being gay wasn't his choice.

"Get in the car," his mother said. "We'll talk about this at home."

"I don't want to talk," said Shiro. "I want you to meet my boyfriend and we can't do that if we leave."

"What kind of school is this?" asked his father, raising his voice. "Why is this allowed?" His father was gesturing to Shiro and Adam holding hands because apparently that should be against the rules? "I want to talk to the program head!"

"There isn't time for that," said Shiro's mother. "We need to beat the traffic. Taka-kun, get in the car!"

"No," said Shiro, taking a step back. "Getting in the car won't solve this!" Others were turning their heads now. "Beating traffic wont' solve this!" People were staring. "Going home won't solve this because I don't need to be solved! You can't take me home and talk me out of being gay!"

All other conversations had stopped. Everyone out front of the Garrison had stopped what they were doing and were staring. This was a problem because there was nothing the Shiroganes cared about more than status.

"Let's go," said Shiro's mother and she thought he was talking to him, but she was looking at his dad. When she climbed into the passenger seat and his dad went around to the driver's seat, Shiro understood what was happening. He wasn't invited anymore. If he wanted to come along, he'd have to beg for it.

"You chose this," said his mother, pointing an accusing finger out the passenger window.

Maybe he did make a choice. He could've chosen to let go of Adam's hand and climb in the back seat. But he instead he held onto that hand like his life depended on it and, in hindsight, really it did.

Nothing felt worse than watching those taillights drive off into the distance...

"I just wanted to you to meet my boyfriend," said Shiro when he could finally speak. Because it wasn't about him wanting them to reach out to him or say they were proud or that they accepted him or that they were sorry. He just wanted to go back to that moment and have *them* choose different. To have them go and shake Adam's hand and say 'pleased to meet you...' That would've meant the world to him.

Shiro's parents seemed to understand there was no going back. Apologies aren't magic spells. They can't undo the damage that's been done. So they turned to go and that's when Shiro heard Adam say, "It's not too late."

Shiro felt Adam's familiar hand slip inside of his own. He looked at Adam who gave him a reassuring smile. "Maybe we could start over," suggested Adam.

Shiro's parents had stopped mid turn, looking back, but keeping themselves ready to go.

"I'm Adam," he said, offering out his free hand. "I'm happy I to finally meet you, Mrs. Shirogane."

Shiro's mother reached out and took it, gripping the hand in hers, going so far as to clasp her other hand on top and give it one firm pump. "Yes, it is good to meet you, Adam."

"Mr. Shirogane," said Adam when Shiro's mother had released his hand. He offered it to Shiro's dad next. Shiro's dad took it and shook it.

"I apologize for not meeting you much earlier," said Shiro's dad.

"I understand," said Adam. "You weren't ready for this jelly."

Shiro's dad blinked then laughed. "Like the Destiny's Child song."

"Yes!" said Adam, excitedly.

"I preferred Beyonce's solo work."

"Well, who doesn't?" agreed Adam. "But I wouldn't trade Say My Name for all the riches in all the realities."

"Lemonade is one of my desert island top three album picks," said Shiro's dad with a smile.

"Yas, Shiro Senior, yas! If weren't dead, I'd totally make you a mix tape."

Shiro looked over at his mother who looked so sad despite how happy Adam and his dad looked. "It could've been this easy, couldn't it?" she said, "But I had to make it so hard."

That's when Shiro made a choice. He chose to let go of Adam's hand and wrap his arms around his mother. She hugged him back so tightly it squeezed more tears out of Shiro. They cried like that together and then suddenly he felt himself, let go. He gave himself permission to let go of those dead rotted roots, of the pain, and the anger. He let it go as he looked at Adam and realized he'd helped him this one last time.

"I'm not crying," Shiro heard Hunk say from a distance behind him.

"Well, I don't know what you're problem is because I'm crying like a baby," said Lance.

"Shut up, we're all crying," said Pidge, which really surprised Shiro.

"Shiro?" Shiro let go of his mom to turn and around and look at Keith. "Do you want to keep going?"

Shiro nodded then turned to look at his parents. "Do you want to come to our wedding?"

"Here?" questioned his dad and Shiro searched his tone for the judgment he was so used to, but found only inquisitiveness.

"We're just exchanging vows," said Shiro. "Keith's officiating." Shiro put his arm around Keith's shoulders and led him forward. "Keith's our quasi-adopted son."

"It's nice to meet you, Keith," said Shiro's mother. "You may call me baa-baa if you like."

"Your son?" questioned Shiro's dad. "I would say he looks nearly your age, Taka-kun, if it weren't for your grey hair," he teased.

"Time got a little weird," said Keith. "It's nice to meet you both."

"And I'm his boyfriend," said Lance, inserting himself into the conversation by wrapping his arm around Keith. "So if you guys are going to be Keith's grandparents then you're pretty much mine too now, okay? And yes, every one of us is gay." Lance gestured back to the others. "So you best get on board with that."

"I understand it's a spectrum," said Shiro's mother, which is something he never thought he'd hear her say. "So if you're trying to scare me off with the number, it won't work."

"I do not believe I qualify as gay," said Allura, sounding confused. "I'm not a male human." Shiro realized he hadn't explained that gay had a second meaning as a blanket term for any queerness. Of course then he would've had to have explained queerness.

"Too bad," said Lance, "Because we're Team Gaytron now."

"What?"

"Feel free to ignore most of what Lance says," Keith suggested to Shiro's parents.

"I'd argue, but even I don't listen to everything I say," said Lance. "I mean, sometimes I just need a break and tune out."

Keith shook his head.

"We'd love for you to come to our vow exchange," said Adam, getting back on topic.

"It would be an honour," said Shiro's dad and his mom nodded her agreement.

Once everyone was back in place - Keith front and center, Shiro and Adam, holding hands before him, Allura and Melenor flanking them, and the dead, alive, or all-knowing guests watching – Keith began to speak, "Any other guests we need to wait for?"

Adam sighed. "Sadly, my parents can't come to our wedding because they're still alive... I bet I'm the first person to say that ever."

"Aw. That's sad," said Hunk.

"Is it though?"

"So what's next?" asked Keith.

"Well, I said my vows so now it's Takashi's turn to say nice things about me."

"Adam," said Shiro, holding his love's hands. "What can I say?"

"How about," said Lance, interjecting, "You complete me? Or I like you very much, just as you are? Or I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else? Or –"

"Lance...," warned Shiro, but Lance kept going counting off lines on his fingers as he went.

"I wanted it to be you. When you love someone as much as I do, the last thing left to do is marry them. I think I'd miss you even if we never met. If you're a bird, I'm a bird..."

"I wasn't looking for suggestions, Lance," scolded Shiro.

"Nobody puts baby in the corner. Sorry. Last one."

Shiro gave Lance a warning look then turned to Adam. "Adam, You are the love of my life. I wouldn't be the man I am today if I hadn't met you. The ways in which you have changed me -"

"Um, kinda sounds like you're talking about yourself in relation to me," tisked Adam. "Just compliment me. It's not hard. Mention my abs."

"Okay, well, you have really nice abs."

"Nicer than yours."

"Well..."

"I bought a Bowflex after you left."

"Fine. Nicer," agreed Shiro. "And you're funny. The funniest person I've ever met. And so compassionate. You were always there for everyone. In life and now still after your death. You were a great teacher."

Adam sighed. "Past tense makes it sound like my funeral which was a snoozefest."

"Sorry," said Shiro with a blush. "You're still a great teacher. You're still a word I won't say because my parents are here, but it rhymes with plexi."

"Mexi?" questioned Lance. "Is Adam Mexican? I thought I sensed some fellow LatinX flava." Keith shushed Lance.

"You're my favourite person," Shiro continued. "And you always will be. I love you."

"You didn't even mention my singing pipes," teased Adam, "But I guess that will do."

"So now the rings?" asked Keith.

Everyone looked at Lance who blinked and said, "What?"

"You are the ring barer!"

"Ring bear, me, right..." Lance went into his PJ bottoms pocket and pulled out Melenor's old ring and only that. "Oh no. I lost one."

"You didn't lose it," scolded Melenor. "You're forgetting to manifest it."

Lance rummaged in his pocket again and this time pulled out Shiro's ring, the one Adam had given him so long ago. Lance handed it to Adam and Adam slipped it on Shiro's finger. Then Lance offered Melenor's old ring and Shiro slid it onto Adam's finger. He held his finger tips for a moment, looking at their hands both wearing the rings. He'd lost hope in ever seeing this sight.

"So," said Keith, clearing his throat, "I guess with the power vested in me by being the leader of Voltron-"

"Hold on, Keith," said Adam. "One more thing." Adam let go of one of Shiro's hands and took one of Keith's hands. "Keith –"

"I object!" cried Lance.

"Calm down, girl, I'm not proposing to your bae. Keith, I know the adoption thing didn't pan out, but in addition to the adorable nickname of Earth Mama which I mostly gave myself, would you consider thinking of me as your big brother too?"

"Yeah, I will," said Keith, his voice getting that little croakiness it gets when he's emotional. Adam hugged Keith then turned back to Shiro. Keith cleared his throat in a pointless attempt to get the emotion out of it. "As the leader of Voltron, I declare you husbands and you can go ahead and kiss."

Shiro leaned in to kiss Adam when suddenly - ZAP! - Kosmo teleported between them, causing them to both stumble back. Kosmo took a few trots forward then – ZAP! - teleported away again.

Stunned, everyone stared at the spot where the cosmic wolf had just been. Then Keith's voice cut through the shock, "Ohhhh so this is where he goes!"

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