As soon as his mother hangs up, Renjun drops his phone on the bed and sprawls out on his back.

It took his mother four attempts to get hold of him; he'd stared at the device while it blared the same annoying tune, on and off, on and off, until he mustered the energy to answer. It hadn't gone well. Sleep deprivation addled his tongue when he tried to explain himself. He told her he was busy with coursework and had his phone on silent. She laughed, said he was too lazy to be busy with coursework, and Renjun could do nothing but silently agree as rage boiled in the pit of his stomach. He sank deeper into the rage while she ranted about annoying colleagues and about the construction being done on the neighbours' house.

When she finally asked about how he's getting on, all complaints died in Renjun's throat and he croaked out a 'fine', and that was that.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Renjun shuts his eyes and breathes deep, in for four, out for eight. In for five, out for five. He tries every variation, but his lungs still burn and his eyes still sting. The off-white wallpaper mocks him when he rolls over, and the mattress creaks, a spring digging into his hip too sharply to ignore. But he ignores it anyway. The dimming evening light shrinks the room. The same four walls that have witnessed every breakdown since starting his degree show no more compassion than the first time, creeping closer and closer. Each time he opens his eyes, they're closer, and he's closer to insanity.

He's fine when he's with Mark. Mark rambles about his favourite books and plucks at his guitar with a wistful expression, the melodies chasing their fears away.

He's fine when he's with Chenle. Chenle hums softly and the scratch of his pen keeps Renjun's thoughts at bay while they study in the kitchen together.

He's fine when he's not alone.

But when Renjun is alone, he stares at his to-do list for hours on end. He lays on his bed for hours on end, yet never seems to sleep for a single minute. If he drifts, he's not sure if he actually sleeps, or if he just falls too deep into his mind to register the passing of time.

It's the buzzing of his phone that pulls him back to the surface now. A rock in his throat, he counts the vibrations. Unlike with his mother, though, it persists for more than twenty seconds. It keeps going, and Renjun sits up. It must be someone else.

"Mark?" Renjun presses his phone to his ear and rubs his eyed. Mark usually texts, just as scared by the idea of a phone call as Renjun so often is. Texting is their thing. "Is everything okay?"

There's commotion on the other end of the line. The voices are muffled, so Renjun can't work out if Mark is even there at all, but then comes the rush of footsteps, the slam of a door, and finally a heaving breath that must be his. "Renjun?"

"Yes? Hey," Renjun says, trying to keep his voice steady even as his heart pumps blood that's thick with fear.

"Oh my God. Hi. Yes. Hello." Mark's voice sounds deeper over the phone, but still as rushed and awkward and disjointed as usual so there's no time to dwell on how he finds it more attractive than he'd like to admit. "I'm at the café. Like, at work? The one where I work?"

"I didn't know you were working tonight," Renjun replies. He glances at the clock. It's almost seven.

"Neither did I until this morning. Jaehyun texted and woke me up." Mark laughs shortly.

"Okay," Renjun continues. There's an awkward pause and he now supposes the noise must just be the bustle of the café. "Is it going well? Are you alright?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," Mark trails off just enough for Renjun to sense the uncertainty. Renjun can picture the slight frown of the elder's brow, and the way he's probably running his tongue over his lips in quiet consideration. "But Jaemin isn't."

"Jaemin? He's at the café?" Renjun forgets to breathe while he fires questions at Mark. "I didn't even know he wasn't in his room. Shit. What's wrong? What happened? Where's Donghyuck, is he there?"

"Yes. Oh. No. Yes. What?" Mark's reply is just as muddled.

"I'm on my way. Can you pass the phone to him?"

Stuffing his feet in his shoes and brushing off Jeno's confusion, Renjun squints to try to make out Jaemin's voice.

"He says no."

"Well, I'm still coming. Don't let him go anywhere or do anything stupid."

During Mark's brief explanation of the events, Renjun drops his keys six times and misses the lock three times until Jeno helps. Dashing across campus to reach the park, Renjun doesn't even register the wind whipping his bare arms and stiff cheeks, breathing too hard to understand what Mark is telling him.

He chants Jaemin's name between wheezes. Jaemin, who used to occupy so much of his mind, had barely been spared a thought over the past weeks. Jaemin, who is doing no better than Renjun is, if not worse.

Renjun swears at himself over and over, not caring that he's treading through muddy grass when he doesn't stick to the footpath for the sake of his already-dirtied white shoes. He checks his phone, but Mark has hung up. He swears again, but it's directed at no one in particular. Just at the world, and maybe at himself.

He hears Jaemin's shouts before he turns the corner, then the café comes into view. Soft yellow lights either side of the door illuminate Jaemin, who's sat rigid in one of the chairs on the street, the chair opposite toppled over, his fingers drumming on the metal table.

"You can't just accuse me of that!" Mark stands in the doorway. Phone in his fist, his jaw seems even tenser than his fingers, and his gaze is dark even in the light from the café, in dissonance with the smiley face on his nametag.

His voice is dark, too. It pierces Renjun's bones and he stalls, shivering across the street and still unnoticed by both of the other boys. Mark's eyes roam in search of Renjun, but Jaemin keeps his head down. Renjun knows that hunched posture. And he hates it.

"But I did, because it's true!" Jaemin shouts again. Mark winces and toys with his soulmate dust in his spare hand. "You stole him from me."

They're fighting about Renjun. He doesn't need to hear his own name to work it out. Part of him wants to stay, to listen to what Jaemin has to say, but the other part knows he should intervene, even if he dreads the force that is a distressed Jaemin.

"You didn't even tell me you were dating. Renjun didn't tell me you were dating!"

Jaemin stands up, and that's when Mark flinches, and when Renjun crosses the street. He waits for a nearby woman with a toddler clinging to her arm to pass, then reaches for Jaemin's shoulder to guide him back down into the seat. The worn leather of the younger's jacket is rough against his fingertips, as though exposing every crack in the younger's rationality when he whips his head round and snarls.

"Why the fuck are you here? Just leave me alone!" Jaemin stands, but doesn't quite straighten his back, and slowly lowers down again. His breaths scratch the silence. The crack in his voice, the mess of his hair and the unfocussed nature of his eyes tell Renjun the last thing he wants is to be left alone.

He needs Renjun. But whether that's the best option or not, Renjun isn't sure.

"I'm not leaving you alone. You need to breathe," Renjun starts. He gives Jaemin time and space to think while he picks up the discarded chair. The cold metal startles him.

"Thanks for coming," Mark mutters when they're close enough.

The café is now empty and due to close on the hour, but Mark's body stutters from nervous energy and he leans on the doorframe when his eyes flutter shut for a moment. His breath forms white wisps in the air.

None of them are fine.

But Renjun has to be fine, for both Jaemin and Mark's sake, so he sits opposite the youngest and clears his throat.

"Shall we go back to the dorm? It's cold, and you need a hot chocolate."

For a devastating minute, Jaemin doesn't respond. Just when Renjun goes to repeat himself, or suggest something else, Jaemin lifts his head. Renjun barely recognises him until he replies in the same broken voice he's known for years.

"Please."

"Come on." Renjun doesn't miss a beat as soon as he identifies a way in.

Jaemin reaches for his hand. Renjun takes it without a second thought. He catches Mark's eyes and his fingers stiffen, mouth dry from the sadness that shines through his soulmate's eyes when they drop to stare at their linked hands, but then Mark smiles and nods, so Renjun bids goodbye and guides Jaemin away.

The wind is cruel as they trek back to their dorm, and Renjun's isn't surprised to see Jeno waiting on the sofa, face drooping like a lost puppy, so he feels guilty shooing him away, but Jeno understands and his gaze lingers for an extra second on Jaemin, who doesn't look back.

They sit down and Jaemin immediately clings to the elder. Renjun fails to muffle his surprise but reciprocates as his heart opens once more. Seconds pass, and he feels its gates shift and shuffle, unlocking and creaking open to allow Jaemin to wriggle inside. The warmth is familiar. It's nostalgic, comforting like the old days, but Renjun repeats a mental mantra to stay afloat.

"What's going on?" Renjun asks.

Jaemin stuffs his face into the crook of his neck. His sigh tickles Renjun's skin before he replies. "Too much." His anger dies away with those two words, and he slumps into the elder's side in surrender. He knows he's lost another battle.

Renjun stares at the discarded video game controllers on the carpet. Jaemin and Donghyuck had spent most of yesterday hunched on the floor, playing footsies and bickering over a game. To Renjun, who only came in passing, it seemed a harmless squabble. Like they were arguing because they're so comfortable around each other, comfortable enough to take none of the teasing to heart. Their faces had been glowing. Their eyes were shining, and lips definitely swollen with love.

"Did you argue with Donghyuck?"

There's silence, then Jaemin laughs. "No." His voice is deeper than Renjun ever thought possible. Even deeper than when it first started to break and he'd tease him each time it cracked. "No. We're good."

"Then what's going on?"

"Just stress," Jaemin mutters. Renjun stays silent to wait for him to elaborate. "You know how I get. I just... I was on a walk and saw Mark. I lost it, I guess. Just... it's all too much. Exams next month, you know? I don't want to fail my first year. That's just... embarrassing."

Jaemin laughs to dispel the following silence.

"I can't do this."

It's a quiet confession. It's armoured with layers and layers of honesty, though, so much honesty that it pierces Renjun's heart, and guilt floods in. He always tries to pay attention to his friends. To Jaemin in particular. He tries to always be there for them. He wonders how Jaemin lost the spark in his eyes without him noticing. How his cheeks became so sunken. How his hair hasn't been brushed for days, past the point of being adorably messy.

It's not your problem anymore. It's Donghyuck's problem. He's the soulmate, not you.

But it still is, and Renjun wants to solve it. It's Jaemin, so of course it matters. He's known Jaemin longer than any other of his friends, regardless of their past together.

Jaemin keeps talking, and it hushes the voices in Renjun's head so he can listen. "I filled out the form to see a mental health advisor but I didn't... they... they said all the appointments were booked for the next month. That pissed me off. More than that. It made me fucking angry. So, so angry. And... and I saw Mark and remembered how easy things used to be and... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Renjunnie."

Jaemin doesn't cry. But his voice pinches and his face twists, then he pulls away to stare at the ceiling.

"I want to drop out." Then, a croak: "I want to go home."

Renjun thinks back to his grandmother's home in China. Her flower garden, the homemade comfort food, the bedtime stories on nights when his parents were away with work. He thinks about when he moved to Korea. His parents insisted the school was better, that it'd do him good, when all it really did was force him into a shell. It was in the shiny corridors of the fancy school in Seoul where he first met the cruelty of the world. He spoke funny. His teeth were crooked. He drew too much and listened too little.

But he also met Jaemin.

Renjun wants to go back, too. If he could rewind with a simple snap of the fingers, he would.

"Two months. Two months, then it's summer." Renjun says. "Perhaps you could travel home for a weekend?" He pushes down the jealousy of having parents both nearby and ready to drop everything for their son.

"I'm so behind on work. I can't afford to waste another weekend."

"It wouldn't be a waste. It'd do you good to step away from everything."

"Donghyuck's booked a restaurant for Saturday night. I don't want to let him down."

Renjun opens his mouth to remind the younger that it's okay to cancel but decides against it when Jaemin sinks into his side to cling like an octopus again, and he softens like he always does.

"Why don't you ask for extended deadlines?"

Jaemin snorts. "What? Like you did?"

The elder bites his tongue at the low blow. Jaemin apologises. Renjun isn't mad, he just says it doesn't matter and has nothing to do with what Jaemin does, quickly veering the conversation back towards the younger's wellbeing to avoid being held accountable for his own withering positivity.

"Mark didn't look too good, though." Jaemin mutters. "Even before I came charging in."

"Yeah?" Renjun hums, stomach churning. Jaemin hums back, thoughtful.

"He looked exhausted, poor guy."

Renjun wraps his arms around Jaemin and shuts his eyes, imagining it's Mark in his arms, imagining that life is great and things are fine, that he can paint with freedom and love without consequences.

But each time he closes his eyes these days, all he can see are the dark circles around his soulmate's eyes, and he's forced to watch the stars dim as Mark thins and fades from his vision.

𓆩♡𓆪

Hiya I'm finally back!! I hope life is treating you all well <3 Happy Winwin day! And I hope you all enjoyed Yuta's birthday, and are as obsessed with Ten's song birthday as much as I am XD

As always, your lovely comments are much appreciated! Have a wonderful weekend lovelies ♥ (why am i saying that as though i didn't just post more angst :<)