Tuesday January 3rd, 2006

2:30PM

Nina Sofia Chambers:

It had been so good to be home again in the states. Even when Michael and I are at our best, there is nothing worse than being on tour with him. Away from home, trapped in hotels, ducking the mobs of people, and watching him over exhaust himself while pretending to be fine for me and the kids. All of it.

His last concert in Japan was on New Year's Eve. This was the second year in a row that we didn't bring it in together. He did call me at midnight CST but it wasn't really the same since where he was it was already the next day. Not to mention he sounded terribly tired, sad, and mentioned how lonely he felt without us there.

I was worried about him feeling so low but tried to trust that he wasn't washing down those feelings with alcohol.

He promised he wasn't.

He flew back to the states yesterday but flew directly into LA so that he could make his grand arrival. His day was packed with a bunch of promotional appearances. He was flying into St. Louis today for a quieter low-key arrival. Even though I had to fight with him for 30 minutes over the phone, he finally agreed to letting me come pick him up by myself in my old vehicle. To me it would feel more intimate, more normal... and it would give us a little while to talk before the kids claimed him.

Bill still met me there and helped me get parked in the garage where I needed to be to pick Michael up. I was watching an elevator that came down into this lower level of the garage that he was due to come out of. It was freezing out, my heater was blasting, my heart was pounding. Even though it had only been a little over a week since I'd seen him, we left off in such a strange place. It was exciting to start over again, but at the same time nerve-wracking. Michael can easily retreat back into that shell of his in times like this and I could be in for the most awkward ride ever or he could hop in here like nothing bad ever happened and serenade me all the way home. You never know which hat he will be wearing – what role he'll be playing.

Finally, I saw the elevator doors open and there he was with just a backpack over his shoulder, a heavy black coat, and in place of that dead give away signature fedora he wore a warm looking black beanie with a fluffy ball on top. I'm sure the rest of his luggage was being delivered to the house for him. I could see his goofy smile from where I sat as he jogged over. He opened the back door first tossing his bag in the back seat, and then opened the door to the front seat peeking in.

"Hey, baby!" he plopped right down, shut the door, and leaned in for a kiss. I managed a shy peck and just smiled at him. He pulled his sunglasses off and I gasped.

"Oh my God! What happened?!" his right eye looked kind of blackened.

"Nothing." He said waving his hand. When I continued to just stare at him, he continued. "I got mobbed in LA. It wasn't intentional. There was a fan almost pushed into traffic and as I tried to help her, I got elbowed in the face. Girl, you know I've got all kinds of battle scars this one was nothing. You look beautiful as always, though."

"Thanks, babe."

"Now, give me a real kiss." He leaned in again and claimed my lips in a more passionate kiss. I laughed shyly as the kiss broke and looked at my rearview mirror as I threw the car in reverse.

"Why are you acting so shy? It's only been a few days."

"It's been a whole week and a half. Plus, you know... we haven't really gotten to discuss where exactly we're headed from here... after everything. I thought the air might be a little awkward." I answered honestly thankful that it wasn't.

"Baby, you already know what direction I want to go." He said as I pulled out of the parking spot and headed in the direction of the garage exit. "I want my husband title back, I want to knock you up again, and I want us to be a family. I love you. I can't function without you. And honestly, I don't mind you always being on my case because I know that means you care." He reached over and stroked my shoulder softly. He was eying me sincerely. He said it so simply as if we had nothing to work on.

We pulled out of the garage and into the natural daylight and as I glanced at him I could see just how terrible his eye looked. Maddox was going to have so many questions.

"Anything exciting happen?" he asked me.

"Well, the girls are really picking up words quickly. Paris has your attitude." I teased.

"What?! No, she has your attitude. Bossy as hell. What did she say to me one the phone the other day?" He asked the question to himself rubbing his chin as he thought about it. "Daddy! Go home!"

I laughed remembering her serious face as she held the phone talking to him. Priya remained more passive. All he ever got was 'wuv you' and 'miss you' out of her.

"Maddox has been counting the days til you were coming home. He's actually had it marked on this calendar ever since we got back."

That made him smile wider. "I love that kid," he said.

"Prince is getting pretty steady on his feet, now. Can't keep him out of anything just like his brother Maddox at that age."

He laughed. "Sounds like fun."

I gave him a look. "Just wait. I'm going to leave you alone with the four of them for a weekend and see just how ready you are to knock me up again."

He just chuckled and was quiet for a minute while I tried not to stress out maneuvering out of the busy airport. Outside on the sidewalk not too far from a stoplight, there was a guy on Michael's side holding a pair of binoculars with a camera around his neck and looking like he was waiting on someone.

"Are you freaking kidding me..." I said. Michael saw it too and promptly ducked.

We passed by him undetected but noticed several other suspicious people with cameras along the way. Someone tipped someone off that Michael was arriving here today obviously.

"See? I told you it was a good idea to pick you up in this old car." I said once we hit the highway.

Michael just scoffed. He looked completely annoyed for a minute and then quickly perked up again. "So, you trust me alone with the kids for a weekend?"

I rolled my eyes and smiled a little. "Michael, you know I trust you with our kids I just worry when there's a lot going on and you let yourself slip up, that's all." He knew what I was talking about. Alcohol.

"I'm done with all that, Nina. Believe me this time. I am." He turned down the heater a few notches so that I could hear him clearer as he said that.

I took my eyes off the road for a second to give him a side-eye.

"Really! Truly! So let's make a deal. If I survive one weekend alone with the kids without calling you, your mom, or Haylee we start trying for a baby at the end of the year."

"Michael..." I laughed softly. "I really don't think my body can produce another child."

"Then let's hire a surrogate. We'll use your eggs and my sperm." He sounded like a salesman.

"So you can fall in love with her, let her keep our baby and-

"Babe, stop. That could never happen. I wouldn't have just fallen in love with anyone. You're special. You're everything I didn't even know I needed in a woman."

I pulled onto the exit that would lead us to our subdivision and remained silent for a while. Not because I was considering the idea of another surrogate, but just wanting to choose my words carefully and not hurt him. Jisela and I spent hours on the phone after coming home from Tokyo where I told her how Michael and I were back in a good place again and one of her pieces of advice to me was to just think before I speak to him. She'd been around him enough to see just how sensitive he really is and how he takes each word I say literally to heart a lot. I've been so caught up in protecting my own feelings that I guess I never considered that when I go unleashing on him.

"Let's focus on making us stronger as a couple for now, okay baby? And if you make it through one weekend we can consider the idea of possibly having another child."

"What about adoption? You know, I've always dreamed about adopting one child from each continent."

God, no. Maybe from one other continent... I kept that thought to myself.

I looked at him and he was staring out of the car window dreamily.

"That's great. But adoption is a difficult process with a lot of stipulations. I think before even being considered we would need to be married and provide proof of a stable home. And we don't meet either one of those possible qualifications right now."

He sighed softly. "You're right. Plus, having our felon friend spreading rumors that I'm a goddamn child molester doesn't help me look like a good candidate either."

"He'll get exposed soon enough and the truth will come out," I said, reaching over and giving his arm a squeeze.

"I hope so."

He stayed quiet the rest of the drive home and as soon as we pulled through the gates and got closer to the house he was beaming. Maddox and the girls were standing inside behind the screen door jumping up and down.

I pulled into the garage and put the car in park looking over at Michael. "Welcome home, daddy."

He leaned over and kissed me again. "Mmm... so glad to be back, Mommy. I love you so much. We've got it this time, I know we do." He murmured against my lips. I smiled at him.

"Now go, they're waiting for you. I'll get your bag."

He froze. "No, I got it, babe." And then he swiftly hopped out of the car, grabbed his backpack from the backseat and went on inside. I could hear all of the hooping and hollering from outside.

I opened the door and the noise from inside pour out. It felt much more like home again. I walked into my mother standing back and looking up at Michael lovingly while Paris and Priya clung to each one of his legs. He was holding Prince on his hip and Maddox was standing directly in front of him already going into detail about the latest in their little video game that they had been playing together. With Michael being so camera shy, we barely get any candid home photos, but I couldn't let that moment pass without pulling out my phone and snapping a few perfect shots.

I prayed that this was finally it, that we had made it through the worst of the storms, and that kind of feeling right here would be forever.