ENTRY# 22

"You can never regret anything you do in life. You kind of have to learn the lesson from whatever the experience is and take it with you on your journey forward." – Aubrey O'Day

~~~~~~~~~~

September 20, 2013

Dear Diary,

Do you know that feeling when you've made a decision that you regretted, as if you were situated between three things – disappointment, sorrow, and even remorse? I knew that life was about making choices; it's just that I don't think I feel proud of them right now, as if it was haunting me as it is. I feel as if I had made the worst decision in my life. I expected to feel happy and whatnot after giving him a chance, but why was I feeling like this? My friends had told me that I shouldn't look back and just cherish what I had today, but how could I exactly, when I feel like I'm dying inside from guilt? I'm sorry, Chanyeol...

Love, Jung Dahee

~~~~~~~~~~

SCENARIO:

"You know, you're too unpredictable. I thought you liked the guy? It was pretty evident that you liked him. I mean, I saw the way you looked at him at times, and it was clear that you had feelings for him!" Victoria hollered, justifying her point, “and I know for a fact that he’s better than that douche Lay for leaving you without reasons!”

I, on the other hand, could only sigh and drop my head down in shame. What she said was true, anyways. I felt something for him, too – the butterflies, the flutters, the blushes – and it was clear that I did admire the guy, but everything just felt wrong as soon as I gave him that chance. It was as if I regretted even giving him that chance. Why so, you say? Well, I may or may not have been thinking or no one else but Lay as soon as I went home that very day. It sucks, I know, but what can I do? It's not like I can control my feelings.

“Sorry,” was all I could mutter after her rant.

Luna tsk-ed and shook her head, and for a second, I swear she gave me that I-told-you-so look, but she shook it away eventually. It was true. She had lectured me before regarding my so-called feelings between Lay and Chanyeol. I had resorted onto telling her first-hand, as personally, I think that she was the most trustworthy when it comes to matters like mine.

“You still have feelings for Lay, don’t you?” The oh-so-wise Sulli suddenly said, startling me a bit, since I didn’t expect her to speak at times like these. She rarely speaks when we talk about love issues like mine, probably because she didn’t have any experience like me, but I doubt it.

I shrugged with a sad smile, not knowing what to say, because I didn’t know the answer myself. I did reminisce the old times with Lay, and still couldn’t help but wonder what really happened between us that made things really complicated as it is now, but that doesn’t meant that I still have feelings for him, right?

“You do,” Sulli said, crossing her arms on her chest with her eyebrow raised, making her look really intimidating with her hawk-eyes that seemed to pierce my soul for answers. Scary.

“She so does,” Victoria confirmed for me, emphasizing the 'so,' as she kept on crossing her arms on her chest. By now, they were all looking at me with brows raised and arms crossed, and boy, all of them look so intimidating that I just wanted to dig a whole and hide myself forever on it.

I pouted, sighed, and finally nodded, defeated.

“Girl, I think you’re so whipped,” Victoria said, offering me a pitiful smile that I loathed immediately. I absolutely didn’t want to be pitied at the moment, but I understood their part as my friend who had only offered me their advice, so I kept my mouth shut for any retorts and let my head down, not wanting any eye contact.

A hand patted my back, probably Luna’s because she was the one seated at my right side. She probably thought that I wanted to cry, but that was the last thing that I wanted to do at that moment. I was actually planning my actions for later, especially since I had a date with Chanyeol later on. Yes, I agreed. I’m really an idiot, don’t you think?

“What are you going to do later on?” Victoria asked, as if she read my thoughts.

I shrugged, “I don’t know. It’s not like I can cancel the date, you know. I already agreed.”

Sulli leaned back and stared at me heatedly, shaking her head yet again. “That’s where you’re wrong. You should never take someone for granted. From what I’m seeing, you’re only using the guy as a rebound. You only want someone beside you at this moment because you feel alone without Lay, but let me ask you this: Is this what you really wanted?” Sulli asked me with her intense gaze, as if challenging me. She continued, “Think about yourself for a moment here, Dahee. You already know for yourself that you don’t want this. Imagine what Chanyeol would feel when you break the news on him. He’d be devastated!” She exclaimed, raising her voice.

Realization struck me with her words; not because of the seemingly long speech that she gave me, but the fact that what she told me was nothing but the truth. I had been using Chanyeol in order to forget Lay, and he’d only be hurt in the end since he wasn’t the person my heart was calling for.

Luna and Victoria nodded their heads slowly, agreeing with Sulli as well.

I was about to open my mouth and speak when my phone vibrated, indicating that a text message had arrived. I sent to girls and apologetic smiled and took my phone out. I swiped the screen and saw that it was Chanyeol who had sent me the text, asking where I saw. I took a glimpse of the time and saw that it was ten minutes before our date. It seemed like the talk with the girls look longer than expected; well, not that I wanted to. I was actually thankful for the talk. It made me realise a lot of things.

I bit my lip, looking at the girls, “It’s Chanyeol. I’m should go. He’s already waiting for me at the gates,” I said, standing up.

“After all this talk, you’re still going to go?” Luna said, a tint of disappointment laced on her featured. On second thoughts, all three girls help disappointment on their faces. “Fine. Do whatever you want. It’s your life anyways,” Luna said, standing up as well and dusted her clothes.

“Good luck with your date,” Victoria said, giving me a small smile. I smiled back – only a small one – and headed out. I glanced back and saw that they were all still staring at me, and when they saw me, they all turned around and went the opposite way. I swear I saw a sarcastic roll of eyes from Sulli, which I probably deserved.

I guess it’s time to set things straight from now on.

“Hi,” I greeted, offering Chanyeol a small smile, remembering my previous talk with the girls.

“You okay?” The good-hearted Chanyeol asked me, clearly concerned. My mood was probably evident on my face seeing how he was analysing my expression.

“I’m fine,” I confirmed, waving him off. I offered him a wider but fake smile in return, which seemed to calm his nerves. He then lead the way, but not before offering to carry my things since it was “heavy.” It wasn’t though. It was a mere hand-carry umbrella that I wasn’t able to place inside my small bag. Apparently, I made a wrong choice of bag today.

His actions would’ve seemed gentlemanly to others, but as for me, I didn’t. In fact, it turned me off somehow. Aside from the fact that I was no longer in the mood, I felt as if I was indeed only using him at that time, and that I didn’t deserve him at all – his everything. My heart was calling for someone else at that moment, someone whose heart doesn’t seem to call back to me.

A few minutes of walk later, which was really awkward as he was the only one that kept talking, we had finally arrived at the mall. We had decided to walk since apparently, he wanted to know me more if we spent more time talking while waiting, which, if I might add, didn’t seem to work for him as I only offered him short answers in return.

I felt a brush of his hand again when we entered the mall, as if hinting me that he wanted to hold my hand. He had been doing that for quite a while now, which seemed to make me feel even guiltier, so I placed my hand on my pocket, as if I was cold when I really wasn’t.

At that moment, a lot of questions flooded my thoughts, and they were all targeted to Lay.

How can I forget you when you’re always in my mind? How can I not want you when you’re all I want inside? How can I let you go when I can’t seem to see us apart? How can I not love you when you control my heart?

That word had made me freeze at that moment.

Love.

How come I only realize that word the very moment I was in a date with somebody else? Did I really know what love was in the first place?

Time had seemed to slow down as I realized that I shouldn’t be there, spending time with someone that I didn’t want to be with in the first place. Unknowingly, a tear slipped in my eyes, but I immediately wiped it off, thankful that Chanyeol wasn’t able to spot it.

We rounded around the corner, entering a cozy restaurant that Chanyeol had seemed to like. He offered me a smile before ushering me inside. As we sat, I couldn’t help but stare at his face. He was handsome – a heartthrob if I could describe him – and I was pretty sure that the girl he’d end up with in the future would be so lucky to have him.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You seem to be very quiet the whole time,” he trailed off, his lips curving downwards to a slight frown, “Do you perhaps not want to be here with me now?” He asked, as if he read my thoughts.

I shook my head, “Of course not.” Don’t get me wrong. I knew that I was lying from the very moments those two words escaped my mouth, but then again, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, too. I would break to news to him at the end of this date, but for now, I decided to at least let him enjoy the moment -- with me -- even if this sounds selfish.

Why are I afraid to lose you when you’re not even mine?

That question was the first things that crossed my mind when he offered me a wide smile after my confirmation. I couldn’t help but feel even guiltier. How devastated would he feel when he knew that he could no longer hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be held onto? I didn’t know.

I didn’t know.

The waitress arrived, asking for our orders. I told Chanyeol to order for me, like a surprise, and he giddily accepted. Appetizers were serves to us a minute after, which was escorted by another awkward silence.

“So,” Chanyeol started, taking a sip of his drink that seemed like cider, “Do you still think of him?”

Catching me unexpectedly, I almost chocked on my drink from that sudden question. Okay. That was really unexpected. As soon as he brought up the question, my foul mood had immediately overtook my fake enthusiastic mask. His eyes were scrutinizing my every move, probably figuring out if I still had feelings for the latter.

“Yes,” I admitted, since I couldn’t think of any reason why I have to lie at the moment. The flash of hurt that came upon his eyes had made me feel guilty again though, and I immediately regretted my straight-forwardness.

“Oh,” was the only thing that escaped his mouth. A few minutes of awkward silence passed by before our lunch was finally served. The whole lunch was spent with silence; only the sound of utensils scraping the plates could be heard.

“I’m sorry,” I suddenly said, earning his attention.

He smiled bitterly, “It’s fine. I understand.” He lift his lips upwards, which made his smile look a bit wicked for my liking, though I knew that it was only fake. “Do you want to head back to school after lunch? I’m sure the other are waiting for us. I mean, we still have our afternoon classes, anyways,” he said, his wide grin still plastered on his face.

“Okay,” I agreed, feeling even guiltier by the moment.

We took a taxi to our way back to our university. I couldn’t blame him for that either. I knew that he didn’t want to talk after what I admitted in the restaurant. It was like a sudden, painful blow for him. He soon paid for the taxi as we had already arrived, and opened the door for me to exit, making me most guilty person, if that was even possible.

When we were finally in the hallway, he bid me goodbye and was about to head to the opposite direction when I took a grip of his wrist and stopped him.

“We need to talk,” I said with a sorry face, and he nodded in return. I didn’t know if he took the hint of what was about to come, but then again, maybe not.

I dragged him into the library and swiftly made him sit on the farthest corner of the facility, where no one could bother us while we talk. I was slightly thankful that only a few students were inside, probably because it was still lunchtime.

“Look, if you wanted to apologize, it’s fine. I understand that you still love him, and that I’ll try harder to replace him,” he said, his tone slightly begging.

I heaved a deep breath before racking my hair in frustration. How could I possibly do this with the person that I seemed to trust for the past days, weeks, and months, after my ex-best-friend suddenly turned away from me with no apparent reason? He even thought that I would apologize for the blunt answer that I gave him at the restaurant. Well, actually, I was indeed sorry for that; and indeed, I was sorry for a lot of things, but what I was about to break up to him was worse than the apology he seemed to think I would tell him.

Chanyeol swiftly took my hands from by hair and held it with his, his thumbs tracing circles in my palms. The butterflies didn’t visit my stomach at that time though. In fact, I wanted to tame my hands away from him, since guilt had only flooded inside of me and nothing else.

He smiled and said, “I know that one day, you’ll love me like the way I love you. I know that one day, you’ll think of me the way I thought of you. One day, you’ll cry for me like I cried for you.” His eyes held too much sincerity that almost made me nauseous. Everything about him made me feel guilty all of a sudden, and I couldn’t help but feel like I shouldn’t break it down on him, but then again, if this continues, we’ll both get hurt in the end, especially him, and I wouldn’t want that. As far as I’m concerned, he still sported a big side of my life – a friendship that I wanted to keep – and I wanted to keep that.

Friendship.

Yes. Why do I only realize things this late. I only wanted him as a friend. Maybe what the girls told me earlier was true, that I was only looking for someone to be with for the time being, since the person that I was longing for had left my side, and that seemingly left me lonely.

I sucked a deep breath, wanting to cry all of a sudden. How could I be this selfish. I wasn’t lonely. I had the girls. I had Sulli, Victoria and Luna at my side the whole time. How could I be selfish and think that I was alone?

I had my friends.

A tear rolled down my eyes as I closed my eyes, wanting to crawl away from everything. However, I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t do that. Not now that I was a step away from correcting my mistakes.

“Yes, you cried for me, loved me and thought of me, and I’m so thankful for that. You gave me a lot of first experiences, but then again, you might love me, but I won’t love you, because this,” I paused, removing my right hand from his grip, pointed it at my heart, and continued, “is asking for someone else.”

As soon as I finished my sentence, tears had already escaped Chanyeol’s eyes. A sob escaped his eyes, and for a second, his grip on my other hand loosened, but he didn’t let it go. I didn’t take it out either.

“W-why?” A chocked sob escaped his mouth, “W-why? I thought you loved me, t-too. I mean, y-you even agreed on the d-date, right?” He said, his grip soon tightening as he tried to seek for possible reasons.

I gave out a bitter smile and took my hand out from his grip with my free hand. I look at his in the eyes, tears still flowing and said, “Sometimes, we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us; but the truth is, it’s not our loss, but theirs, because they left the only person who wouldn’t give up on them,” I said, another tear escaping in my eyes, “But then again, the worst thing is holding onto someone who doesn’t want to be held onto, because in the end, you’ll end up the most hurt.”

I watched him sob harder, his hands trying their best to wipe the remnants of tears on his face. His eyes were red, but you can still read utter sorrow on his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling really guilty seeing how I made him feel like this.

I bit my lip and took my phone out, texting Chen and Baekhyun to come to the library as soon as possible, thinking that Chanyeol would want to talk to his best friends.

“This is so u-unfair,” Chanyeol choked another sob, but still continued, “I actually thought that you were starting to get over him, and I actually believed that you no longer needed him. Heck, you even gave me a change, for God’s sake! I really thought…” he stopped in mid-sentence and brought his hands to his face, full-out crying.

I had never seen a man cry like this before. To be quite honest, I didn’t like men that cry too much. Regardless of that fact, the man – my Daddy Long Legs – that was crying in front of me now, only made me feel guilty and pity, not for him, but for myself. I had ruined a lot of lives for the past months, like my friendship with the girls that seemed to have a large dent at the moment.

Chen and Baekhyun came at the library a few minutes later. They immediately spotted us as I texted them that we were in the farthest corner of the library. The two of them frowned as they saw us, but Chen, being the fast one from the two, immediately caught on and sighed, patting Chanyeol’s back.

‘Go,’ he mouthed at me, and I nodded in thanks.

‘I’m sorry,’ I mouthed in response, but he didn’t reply and ignored me. Instead, he kept on patting his friend’s back, attempting to calm him as much as he can. I believe that I lost the trust of another friend. Baekhyun, on the other hand, still had that clueless expression on his face. He looked at me for answers, but I looked away. I would’ve laughed at his dumb-founded expression if it wasn’t for the situation. I sighed, walking away, but not before looking at the boys for the last time.

With a final glimpse, I exited the library and decided to head to my locker. I took all my books, deciding on drowning myself with my studies the whole day. In return, I decided to flunk my classes for today and stay at my apartment instead. Thankfully, the professors didn’t announce any quizzes or exams for today – just lectures – so I proceeded on going home.

I walked my way home with a slight heavy feelings on my shoulders. It was a relief that it seemed to become less heavy as I admitted my true feelings to Chanyeol, but then again, I still had a long way to go.

People would say that life is too short to worry about stupid things, and that we should just have fun, fall in love and regret nothing, not letting people bring you down. Let me tell you this though. It’s not that easy.

It’s just that… I was hopelessly in love with Lay. I don’t even know why.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, but I ignored it as the books that I was carrying on