CHAPTER NINE: i'm on my way to believing
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it was a rainy day today.

quiet and lazy unlike the usual bright loudness of the group. after yesterday i guess everyone was tired and now all spent most of the past couple hours sleeping. i could relate.

i sat in the passengers seat, shoes perched on the dash board, ear buds in and eyes gazed out the window. i had forced myself to keep my eyes off the boy driving, and instead tried to get lost in the music; although, i did often find myself looking over either way.

his fingers almost always thumping to the beat of a song and throat humming gently.

it was quiet and i hated the quiet, because when the silence came so did the clouds.

"i'm gonna stop at the gas station grab some things and get some gas in a bit." Finn's voice was equally as tired as everyone's else's murmurs if acknowledgments, and i wouldn't be surprised if one of things be grabbed was coffee.

i continued to mess with the loose thread on my skirt, a small long tail of cotton etching out. if i pulled it the skirt would tear and that bothered me. my fingers were wrapping around the thread carefully when suddenly finn's hand settles on mine.

"do you need anything from inside?" he asks. i hadn't realized he had stopped already, and i looked around and at the small building, shaking my head.

"no, no, i'm fine," i smiled gently but it still wasn't totally there.

"you sure? i could grab like a candy or something?"

god he was the nicest.

i felt a sadness start to approach my bones and panic was rising. "it's okay. i'm okay," i said instead and turned out the window again.

i forced my breathing to stay even. i knew he was watching me still; just for a moment before finally opening the door.

"i'm gonna go too-" gaten says. "you guys wanna come with?"

"y'all go i'm too tired to move-" sadie says after a moment. "bring me back a donut?" she pouts to caleb who rolls his eyes but nonetheless nods and leaves but not before pecking her lips lightly.

i whipped back around at that. i had felt sick, like, like i would puke at any second now.

i couldn't like finn.

because really that's what all this was about. it wasn't fair to me but most of all it wasn't fair to him.

i liked him and it wasn't right.

because if he did like me- if i wouldn't be able to handle it. he had his whole life ahead of him and i didn't exactly have that choice anymore. i couldn't put him through unnecessary pain.

i wouldn't.

"you like him don't you?"

"huh?"

i can feel sadie's presence move closer behind me. she huffs slightly, laughing almost although i don't see what's so funny. "finn silly. you like him."

"i-i don't-"

"yeah-" she cuts. "you do. and he totally likes you too."

"what? no...he doesn't." i had blushed not wanting to meet her eyes.

"yeah he does millie. he's always so sweet and annoyingly gushy when it comes to you. trust me, that boy's got it bad."

"he doesn't," i protest glaring and she rolls her eyes. "he does."

"no!" i didn't mean to shout but it did and sadie stared shocked for a second, her features softening. "hey- i didn't mean to make you cry."

"i just- he can't like me. he just can't."

my eyes were burning red probably, and i felt my nose start to run a bit. sadie's arms were comforting although they still didn't hold up the same way finn's did.
"why can't he like you?" she asks.

"it's, it's just not fair; to him or to me. he knows how i feel about the entire topic
a-and i hate it because i've grown attached."

she's quiet taking in my words with consideration. "maybe it's not fair but life isn't either... we don't always get our way."

i nodded, still not accepting her answer. i pulled away forcing a small smile. "i'm gonna go get some air real quick." and without another glance i shut the door.

i needed to talk to someone.

my fingers trembled but i willed them dial the number anyways. it must have rung for only a couple seconds but for me it felt like hours.

"hello?"

a sharp breath expelled my lungs. "hi mom." i didn't know how it would feel to hear her voice after so long.

"millie? oh my god, where did you go? i woke up and you were gone without a trace!"

"i-i had to go. i'm sorry-" my voice broke now. "i didn't mean for you to worry... i left a note." my response wasn't the greatest but at least it was the truth.

"do you know how worried i've been about you millie bobby brown?" her tone was anxious and shaky and i could hear her sniffles.

"mom please d-don't cry." i was crying now too. i couldn't help it. guilt swept over me in waves as i heard her finally sob.

maybe it was a mistake leaving her. i could have put up a fight a little while longer. i wouldn't have been in this situation like i was now. "mama... i need your help."

"are you safe?" she blurts and i nodded, forgetting for a moment that she could not see me. "y-yeah i'm safe i just... i don't know what to do."

my mother's voice was once again soft and gentle like i once remembered from all those times ago i had gotten sick; even before the cancer. "about what honey? what's happening?"

a soft tear trailed down my face. "remember when i told you in the letter i found someone to help me?"

mother hummed understandingly.

"well it was... a boy- his name is finn. god, mama i think i like him."

"what's wrong with liking him?" she asks. my arm leans upon the top of the pay phone which my head leans on to.

"i can't mama you know that. i've already growth attached him! you know why this is bad." i heard a scuffle from behind and i quickly whipped back. finn stood there, his shoes twisting anxiously and eyes wide with worry.

"finn! w-what is it?" i tried my best to wipe the tears away, conscious of my appearance.

"i-i came to check on you... brown are you alright?" he asks.

mothers voice echos softly in the phone then once more. "is that him?"

i nodded stupidly. i couldn't take my eyes off him even if i wanted to. "yeah mama... i-i gotta go," i whispered and her voice rose quickly.

"don't be afraid! it's okay to fall in love. even if it's just once."

the line went dead after that.

he continued to stare at me and i felt my self grown more uncomfortable, as he then stepped right in front of me.

"that was your mom?"

"yes."

"...was she mad?"

i shook my head. "just worried-" i said gently and he nodded. "so she doesn't hate me for taking her daughter away?" finn chuckles lightly and i felt my stomach tingle.

"no." a small smile wanted to grow.

"good." his fingers threaded through his infamous curls quickly, before reaching out for something behind. his hand extending out happily, and i knew immediately what it was as soon as my eyes landed on the colorful package.

"skittles?" and this time i didn't fight back the smile.

"yeah well... i kinda thought i owed you for the last time i took them."

"ahh yes i remember that quick well-" i snarked, grabbing the candy; my mood loosening up. finn glared playfully rolling his eyes. "anyways thank you," i said.

he shrugs. "it wasn't a big deal. just candy."

"still. it was sweet of you to remember."

finally i stepped away from the pay phone and even closer towards finn. i didn't know what i was doing. maybe it was vote of confidence from mom or maybe it was just my stupid love sickness that caused me to hug him.

my toes on their tips, arms wrapped tightly around his neck and head presses into it.

"thank you."

and then i did something else that even shocked me.

i kissed him.

no! not on the lips. i was definitely not ready to do that without knowing if the feelings were mutual- but near perhaps. my lip gloss leaving a shimmery mark on the corner of his mouth.

i felt all flushed with color.

his widening eyes filling with what i assumed happiness; brows raising surprisingly. "say, millie brown do you mind if i take some more skittles again? i'd love to taste the rainbow."

"oh my god! you're such a loser i swear!"

"a loser you kissed!" he retorts.

"shut up-" i mumble pulling away and towards the van finally; his presence not far behind.

maybe i still wasn't ready to not be afraid of falling in love but i from now i wouldn't hold back. and maybe i know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts and that i'm contempt with loneliness. but i think i'm ready to let go a bit from that. and as i sat in the car again i knew i was on my way to believing.

i could make an exception.

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