私が迷子にならないあなたの毒。
そして、最終的に私の終焉。

"The weak fear happiness itself. They can harm themselves on cotton wool. Sometimes they are wounded even by happiness."
- Osamu Dazai ( No longer human )

• • • •

Chuuya dropped his card, ignoring the woman who called for him behind the desk.
"E-Excuse me?..."
He stepped in front of the older woman, his shaking hand clasped in the other as he looked up at her. "You said someone died?"

"Yeah," the younger lady interjected.

"Was it a man?"

The younger woman shot a glance at the elder female before answering.
"No a woman, but there was a man with her. He was taken to the hospital-."

"Which hospital?!"

"...I'm sorry I don't know, but I believe it would be the nearest one...St. Luke's." She offered sincere concern, her eyes drifted up towards the ceiling in thought.

"Did he leave anything behind?"

"I'm sorry I have no idea. The room's condemned as a crime so no one but the police have been permitted to enter."

Chuuya turned towards the exit, but not before turning back around to offer a deep bow at the women. Even if they hadn't realized it they'd been an enormous help.

He waited impatiently on the corner for a cab.
It was quite unusual for a Tokyo intersection to be as barren, both of people and vehicles, as this one was today.

The taxi ride to St. Luke's international hospital took eleven minutes. He jumped from the back of the car, having paid no mind to the chauffeur offering his change.

There was a hoard of receptionists behind the counter who appeared to be off duty. One of them, however, came to assist him despite that.

The nurse quickly rid his face of crumbs with a napkin before he addressed Chuuya.

"Hello. What could I do for you today?"

"...Hello...Umm, were there any patients admitted through emergency today?"

"Could I ask who you're referring to?"

"Osamu Dazai."

The nurse reached under the desk, filing through a sea of folders and loose papers.

"And the relation, please?"

"Ah, friend."

The nurse glanced at him as he continued to search. After a moment, he sat the file upon the desk. "Osamu Dazai you say? He was discharged this afternoon, see."

He removed a couple of papers from a large stack and held them just below his chin.

"This...afternoon...?"

A wave of relief washed over him in a sense that whatever had happened to him couldn't have been that bad.

"He must've been in a good enough shape that the doctors allowed it so don't worry."

The RN offered a bleak smile at Chuuya's worried expression, one which he returned.

"Could I see that paper, please?"

"I'm not authorized to hand these out because the primary physician has looked at them..."
The man gave a disheartened look, briefly looking around before handing it to him.

Chuuya skimmed the paper.

It was a synopsis of Dazai's hospital admission.

There was indication of a couple of gastric lavages being performed due to an overdose of opioids. Those opioids however, were only generalized as illicit drugs on the lab report.

As far as he could see the paper didn't tell of the doctor suggesting a discharge.

Dazai had discharged himself.

  • • • •

He hesitated at the door.

What would be behind it he hadn't an idea in the slightest.
Truthfully he was terrified.

Finally he grasped the doorknob. The clicking of the lock and the creaking of the hinges ominously disrupted the horrifying stillness.

He stayed there for a while, watching as the moonlight illuminated Dazai's body in the windowsill. The sight was strangely beautiful.

"Ah, Chuuya."

His greeting was one of a bitter, distant coldness.

"What the hell?"
He grit his teeth, slamming the door behind him. "Do you like making me worry?! Is that it you asshole?!"

"Woah what's going on? I just got out of the hospital you know."

"Shut the hell up! You think I don't know that?!" He hollered.
"What the hell were you doing with Fukkā's sister you bastard?!"

"Hmm, nothing."
A child like tone etched his words.

"Don't fucking lie to me."

Dazai smiled tiredly, turning around to face him. "What the hell?! Do you think this is funny?!" Chuuya strode towards him, roughly grabbing him by his collar and bringing his face within mere inches of his.

Dazai grasped his trembling arm.
"Do I make you unhappy?"
He spoke, his voice was barely a whisper.

"...What?"

He stared wide eyed at the man before him. Of course Dazai running around with prostitutes and spending all his income on booze and trifling affairs would make him irate.

"You asked do I like making you worry..."

Dazai leveled his face so that he could look Chuuya in his eyes. "I don't. Of course I don't like making you worry...But we should stop this. It'd be better for the both of us if-."

"Do those prostitutes make you happy?...Does that cheap ass booze make you feel any better?...You think dying will just solve all your problems?"

Dazai pulled him closer, Chuuya's forehead rested on his shoulder. He didn't offer Chuuya any reply, instead he choose to trace the top of his hand with his fingertips.

"So you're trying to say no matter what...no matter how I try to help you..."

"Chuuya..."

"Dazai, stop." Chuuya dropped his head as he snatched his hand away. Tears threatened to stream if he lifted his head.
"If you really feel this way then how the hell can I leave you alone?! Huh?! And the whole 'We should stop this' bullshit?! How about you stop torturing yourself?!"

Unable to hold back his tears Chuuya lifted his head only to see Dazai shed some of his own.
"I'm tired Chuuya! I really am!"

He turned to him with an expression that was quite hard to read, fore Chuuya had never seen it before. Dazai dropped his head, a string of unhinged laughter followed suit.

"You know? That girl...I forgot her name..."

He threw his head back, closing his eyes as a small breeze from a crack in the window escaped into the room with a whistle.

"Ha, damn...What was I gonna say?"

"Is this some kind of game to you?" He spat.

Dazai sighed and propped his elbow against his knee. Turning his head to Chuuya in a somewhat teasing manner.
There was a gleam in his eyes that seemed to taunt him.

Chuuya stood there motionless.
He had no idea of what to do. It seemed like the more he wanted to pour out his heart the harder it'd be to control his emotions.
Dazai, on the other hand, appeared to be going through a slue of emotions in one sitting.

It was quite unsettling.

Chuuya eased towards him, pressing his forehead against his.
They where there for a moment that seemed to go on forever.
A moment that neither wished would end.
And in that silence were emotions they couldn't place or convey with mere words.
A sentiment that exceeded any action.

"...."

He reached out to stroke the back of Dazai's head. His chin rested against his crown. Chuuya's fingers laid limply at his nape as he stared off blankly into the night.

"...Do you really want to kill yourself?"

Dazai spoke with a voice void of emotion, all with the face of a man who was done trying.
One that was eerily serene. "Yeah."

Chuuya laughed, a little defeated as he rested in his arms. It terrified him.
How Dazai could be there, in his arms one moment and gone the next.
The thought encased him.

"You really want to leave me here alone?"