Syracuse beat UNC last Monday. 72-70 I haven't seen the guys to have been able to rub it in their face but I will soon.

They've been busy since they got back apparently Duke is the game of the season. And they're in March Madness.

My brothers are in March Madness too. So I've been lonely. My brothers usually call me everyday but since March approached they call me like once a week now.

I understand though.

Today is March 6th.

Skylar would be twenty.

It's her birthday.

For awhile I was being distracted. Skylar wasn't haunting my everyday thoughts. I've cried six times today.
It's my fault she couldn't live to see twenty.

Normally on today I have my family.

They haven't called.

I mean it's not like my dad would. He hates to see me cry Lawson aren't suppose to cry.

My mom though so normally would've called now. When I looked on Instagram to see what she posted she's sipping Mimosas with the basketball wives. Not caring about her daughter.

Is it because I'm not complaining. I'm not calling her and saying how much I miss Skylar. Is that why? Is that why nobody seems to care? I wish they cared. Or at least should that they cared.

My phone starts ringing bringing my out of my thoughts.

I thought it would be my mom, dad or brothers but it's not.

It's Jake.

"Jake?"

"Taylor, hey." There it is. His voice. The voice I was once in love with.

Key words: was

We sit in silence for a few moments.

"How are you?" He finally ask

"Don't be stupid. How am I? Seriously. You call me today of all days to ask me how I am?"

"You're right. That was stupid. We just haven't talked in forever and I didn't know what to say. Don't think I don't know what today is because I do. I heard you transferred."

"Yeah, I did."

"Where to?"

You want to know where I'm at so you and everyone else who hates me there can convince the students here to harass me. No. I'm not saying. Don't try to call my mom either. She knows not to tell."

"That's not what for. I just want to make small talk."

"Today of all days isn't a great day to make small talk. Especially after what happened this time last year."

"Is that why you wouldn't take me back? Because you're still holding a grudge."

"You think I'm holding a grudge. I'm not. I'm sorry I don't take back cheaters. Especially ones who cheat on me with my best friend. And take advantage of her without her knowing. So as much as I tell my new friends that I'm giving up cussing, Fuck you! Go to hell." I say and then hang up.

"What did I just walk in on?" Nicole says as I power off my phone.

"Baggage. Lots of issues." I say as I wipe my tears before she sees them.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"I can't. I can't talk about it. I'm sorry."

"I understand. Just know me and Loren are always here, if you want to talk."

"Thanks."

"Damn right we are always here. You've been crying I can tell. It's time to pregame. It's 4pm. Tears call for alcohol. Get ready and meet us in the kitchen for the tailgate." Loren says and then walks out.

I get dressed into a blue cropped sweater and some jeans with holes. I walk in the kitchen to see the girls dressed freaking up.

Today is not the day that I care about how I dress. I straightened my hair and put makeup on but something tells me the makeup will be smeared by the end of the night.

"You look..." Nicole starts

"Comfy." Loren finishes.

"Let's get going ladies." I tell them as I walk out of the door. Even though my phone is powered off I still brought it.

"The guys are warmed up tonight." Loren says as we take our seats.

Coach Carson gives me a look. A questioning one. He's asking if I'm okay.

I'm going to do what I do best which is nod my head. Which Loren noticed.

"You look tired. Here's a water." Nicole says as she takes her seat on the opposite side of me. I'm in the middle. I feel safe and secure.

"So why didn't you tell us you were Chase's fill in for dinner with his parents?" Nicole ask trying to start up conversation.

"I thought he'd tell y'all and it's not my story to tell."

"So something happened?" Loren asked

"Nothing eventful between the two of us. If that's what you're wondering."

"It is." They both day at the same time and then laugh.

"See y'all should be a thing. Leave the douche bags that won't admit their feelings for you. You two are a match made in a heaven." I tease.

We won 91-73. UNC tonight was unstoppable. So everyone is literally so pumped about the win. It's time for the moment I'm dreading the after party. Even though I got a little tipsy at the tailgate doesn't mean I'm not still dreading it.

"I'm going to take a walk. I'll meet y'all there." I tell the girls as we approach their street. We decided to walk.

"Oh no you don't." Nicole says.

"Last time you took a walk you left us and didn't come." Loren states. "We got you out of the house you are coming." Nicole adds in. Loren grabs my arm as she pulls me inside.

The girls don't normally walk here so they weren't the first ones here tonight.

Teagan and her group were along with about thirty other college kids.

"Welcome ladies what can I get you started with?" Ethan greets us at the drink station.

"I'm going to get blacked out tonight. So I'm going to get the strong drinks in the back." Nicole says and walks off.

"What's the special tonight?" Loren asked him

"Hayden made it. Not sure."

"Well then count me out. The dude probably wants to poison me. I'm not drinking that."

Loren takes the cup from his hand and takes a sip. "Mmm. No poison. Drink up bestie." She then hands me the cup and takes another from Ethan.

"Well you sure are dressed down." A high pitched voice squeaks at me.

"And you sound better with your mouth closed. If I throw a stick will you fetch it? Or will she?" I point to her second in command.

She just rolls her eyes.

"Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain up there." Loren says in the friendliest way ever. She needs a lesson on insults because that is the most used insult in the book but she's proud of it. So I'm proud of her. She high fives me and we take a seat on the stairs.

You know how people say alcohol solves all problems. It doesn't solve mine. I'm still going to have the same problems when I wake up in the morning. Distractions are the best.

"It's not even nine and y'all are calling me to pick up this drunk." A brunette says as she picks up her friend and carries her outside to the car.

My mind keeps telling me they're in danger. My mind is going back to the night of the accident. My heart is now pounding fast.

"You okay?" Loren asked me with a worried expression.

"Yeah where's the bathroom?" I ask.

"Follow me." She leads me into a bedroom with a jersey pinned on the wall. It says Jackson. Am I in Chase's room.

"The bathroom is through there." She tells me. I don't enter the bathroom I just slide my back along the wall. Once I hit the floor I bring my knees to my chest. "I would've taken you to Hayden's bathroom but he probably has some blonde in there. No offense. You know he took my virginity and then just walked out of my life. Can you believe that Taylor?" I can't breath. My hands are shaking and sweaty. "Taylor are you all right?" now I can tell she's really worried.

"I-I'm f-fine." I stutter out not being able to breath.

"Taylor? Loren? Why are y'all in my-" I hear a voice start but then stop.

___

Chase:

"She just asked to go to the bathroom." Loren tells me as I look at Taylor.

"She's having a panic attack." I tell Loren. "Don't tell anybody about what's going on up here. Shut my door." She does as I say. I go over to Taylor and sit in front of her.

"What do I need to do?" Loren ask pacing the room.

"My sister has panic attacks. Lavender helps her. Find lavender." I don't have to say anything she out of the room in a second.

"I can't breath." She says barely above a whisper.

"Take deep breaths. This will pass. It will all be over soon. Just take deep breathes. You've got this. I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have told you to come to the party. I'm so selfish. My dad is right."

Why'd I force her to come. Why'd I convince her?

After quite some time she's breathing back to normal again. I'm sitting against the wall with her. Loren never came back with lavender but she texted and said she was going to look for it. Taylor places her head against my shoulder and I wrap my arms around her.

Hugging Taylor is like the world stopped. My heart starts to beat faster. She makes me nervous. I've never seen her like this and it's scary. She's always telling people off or solving other peoples issues but we never once thought to solve hers.

"I don't want to do this anymore." She says with tears coming down her face.

"Do what?"

"Life. It sucks. Everything I do reminds me of her. She won't get out of my head. It's all my fault. I try to escape it all...I just can't." She chokes out now sobbing.

"Whatever happened to you, happened in the past. Don't live for the past, live for the future. It will all go away eventually. Time heals everything." I tell her.

I'm going to solve Taylor's problems. I'm going to be there for her because as mush as I need people for me she needs people for her. She's fighting her own demons. Serious ones. And she's struggling.

"I've got you Taylor."

______

5/22/21
Posted: 5/23/21

I've never updated this early in the morning. So good morning! 8:04am