Dani~

"Hey, how do you feel about navy?" I ask Christian as he comes down the stairs. He just got back from his spring training game.

"Uh, it's a great color."

He comes into the kitchen with me after I had sighed following that answer. "Not what you're looking for?"

"No," I quickly answer.

He puts a hand on my back and looks at my laptop screen. "Oh, for suits. Yeah, navy's great."

Good answer, Christian, good answer. "So you and the guys will wear navy?"

"Navy or black."

"No black."

"You got a problem with black?"

"No. I think you look better in navy. That being said, I want us to look our best. Therefore, navy is the better option."

"Is this what you do all day?"

"Yes. All day."

"What about the others?"

"Well, I want all the guys in navy with brown shoes and belts. White pocket squares. I want you in a cream tie and then the rest of them in emerald ties. The girls are wearing emerald green dresses with tan heels. Obviously, I'll be in white."

"Wow, you have this planned out already."

"It helps that I have a bunch of time and have had my wedding planned out since I was 15."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me. I'm sure Mikayla had a huge part in that."

"Oh, yeah. At 15 I was definitely gonna marry Zac Efron but he's busy. So I had to move on to the next best."

"Is that me?"

"Yeah."

"Good answer."

I move my laptop to the side and lean up against the island. I hug him. He kisses my cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too."

My phone starts ringing and I sigh knowing it's my coach and I'm about to have a very hard conversation with him and my team. I go get my phone from the coffee table, "I'll be outside."

"You want me out there?"

"No, I'm gonna make this quick."

"Okay." I pull the sliding door open and go sit on the couch. I answer him, "Thought you weren't going to answer," he says.

"Sorry, I was talking with Christian."

"How are you doing?"

"I have my days. Morning's are a little rough but nothing too hard to handle."

"How's Christian?"

"I think he has his moments too. They're playing spring training games so he isn't gone for super long. I keep myself busy while he's gone."

"Are you ready to talk to them?"

Kind of have to be ready. "Yeah."

"Okay. I'm gonna put you on speaker."

I hear him open a door, probably to our locker room. "Ladies, I have Dani on the phone. She's gonna tell you what's going on for right now."

"Hey girls."

"Dani, we miss you. When are you coming back?" a lot of them ask.

"Well, I'm not sure. I've had some health issues come up recently and I won't be going into detail for privacy reasons. With that, I'm not allowed to be doing any physical activity for 4-6 weeks. That being said, I will be unable to join you guys for the start of the season. I'm shooting for May to get back with you."

"What? We don't understand."

"It's the best thing I can do for my mental health. I'm gonna leave it at that," I say, starting to tear up. "Some stuff happened and volleyball is not my number one priority right now. It's my mental health and Christian's mental health. I'm in Arizona right now but I'll go back to Milwaukee with Christian when his season starts."

"Okay." I can tell some of them are disappointed. But I can't do much about that right now.

"Look, we are one hell of a team when all together. Last year was amazing and everything I ever wanted. But, shit happens and life hits hard sometimes at the most unexpected moments. But all of you are going to be fine with my absence. Most of you were here when I got hurt. You all moved on. I'm not going to be gone the entire season. I'll be back this season. I just need to focus on a few other things. Lauren and Mikayla are two great leaders along with our coaching staff. They will get you far while I'm gone. Go play your damn hearts out for me. I'll be watching when I can."

"Dani, we're here for you and you have our full support. Come back whenever it is right for you. We got it from here," Mik says.

"I know you do. I love you guys and I'm sorry I can't start the season with you. I'll keep in touch with you all."

"Dani, you let me know when you plan on coming back and I'll get it figured out for you."

"Okay. I love you guys and I hope you can understand why I can't be there. Kick some ass while I'm gone."

"We will, Cap."

I say my goodbyes and sit on the couch for an extra minute before going back inside. I wipe under my eyes as I walk back inside. He meets me at the island. "You did the right thing," Christian tells me.

He hugs me, "I know."

I sit on the island so we can talk. "What was it like?"

"What was what like?"

"That day," I say quietly.

"Do you want to talk about it? We don't have to."

"No, I want to. I don't remember it whether that's because I was in and out of consciousness or because I chose not to."

He holds his hands on either side of me on the counter, "Well, I was going to head to the gym after you left but I decided not to in case you needed me. When Lauren called me she was freaking out and told me that you were really out of it. I met you guys there and you had passed out just as they got you into a room. I had to lie to get back to see you and tell them we were married. You were in and out of consciousness. You were talking to us while you were conscious."

I shake my head because I can't remember any of this happening. All I know is that I was in pain one moment and then not in pain anymore. "Once they figured it out what was going on, the doctors and nurses would tell Mikayla and Lauren. They would relay it to me because I wasn't going to leave you if I didn't have to."

He's so sweet. "When they told me what it was, I couldn't believe them because I was confused. Obviously, it wasn't expected so I thought they were joking. It was the farthest thing from my mind. After your surgery, they moved us to a different room and I got it together because I didn't want you to hear it from someone other than me. I kept it together until you woke up. I was scared because I didn't know how you would react."

I nod, "I guess we've never soberly talked about anything past marriage."

"Soberly," he laughs, "Well, where do you stand?"

"I know that we would've figured it out if it was viable. I would've been scared out of my mind but I know we would've figured it out."

He nods. "If you're asking if I want kids right now the answer is no. I'm supposed to be in the middle of my career but somehow I end up missing more and more games each year. In the future, yeah, of course."

"How many?"

"I've always thought that four is too many and one isn't enough. I've always sat around two or three. A girl and a boy for sure. Then probably another girl."

"I'd be down with that."

He hugs me and kisses my forehead. My safe place. My safe human. My home. Right here in his arms. He sandwiches my head in between his hands, "I got you. You know that, right?"

I nod, "I know."

"How's everything up here?" he asks, my head still sandwiched in his hands.

"It's a bit fragile still. Mornings are tough when you're not here or when you're gone for ten hours."

I sandwich his head in my hands, "How's everything up here?"

He smiles, "I've caught myself a few times and I'll just take a minute to myself. Things are looking up though."

"Yeah, they are." He kisses me quickly. "I think that's enough adulting for the day."

"Yeah, you've had enough?"

"Yeah. I'm drained. It'll probably be an early night for me."

I put my arms around him, "I love you a lot."

"I love you more. Have I told you that I really enjoy you being out here?"

"Don't get used to it."

It is beyond weird being back in Milwaukee at this time of the year. It feels so weird. I am laying as low as possible while I'm here. I'm not going out much. Only if I really need to.

The only thing about being back in Milwaukee is the fact that I have to tell my parents what happened. They have no idea that I'm in town. They think I'm in London right now playing volleyball.

Christian hurried down the stairs, "I gotta go. You're sure you don't want to come with?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. My parents are both off today for whatever reason so I'm gonna go see them."

"Okay." He comes over to kiss me but stops, looking at the TV. "You might want to get your, well, our PR girl on that," he says pointing to the TV.

I had put our match on since I'm able to watch it and ESPN was airing it. "Why does ESPN hate me? Seriously?" Where's Dani Campbell? Has she moved on from Team USA?

"Because you're successful. I'll be back later."

"Okay." He pecks my lips before heading to the garage. "Hey," I get his attention, "Good luck. Hit a homer for me."

"I'll try."

Christian comes inside after hearing the garage door open. "It's fucking cold out."

"It's only the wind," I say from my spot on the couch eating some pasta.

"That's the most Midwest thing you've ever said."

I ignore his comment and continue watching some reruns of Grey's Anatomy. He sits down next to me, "How'd today go?"

"It was difficult. I didn't know my siblings would be at their house but they were so they know. They were just confused about why I was here and how long I'd been here. I explained everything to the best of my ability to them which made my mom cry and then I started crying and then I saw my dad tearing up. But they understood why I didn't want to say anything and why I'm here."

"Do you want to tell my mom?"

"We probably shouldn't leave her in the dark if my family knows. When does she normally come out?"

"It's usually around the middle of May. We can call her tomorrow if you want to."

I nod, looking down at my iPad as I tried to design what I want our invitations to look like. I guess it's better to just get it over with and have two rough days in a row rather than to have them spread out.

I go into my camera roll and pick out the photos that we both agreed on that look the best and put those into the design. I love these pictures of us. We just look so happy with each other. I think these photos capture who we are as a couple so well.

"Do you like this?" I ask him, trying to deter my emotions before they get the best of me once again today. "I can move anything around. I just need an idea of what to send to your mom."

"Yeah, I like this. Is this just the front?"

"Yeah, I haven't done the back yet."

"I like it." I nod, closing my iPad case and tossing it onto the couch cushion beside me. I slouch down and lean my head on his shoulder. "Tired?"

"Yeah."

He sits up and moves the blanket off of me before standing up and holding his hand out for me. "C'mon, let's go to bed."

He pulls me up from the couch after agreeing that we need to go to bed. He kisses me before letting me head up to our room before he does. I find some spandex and a big t-shirt to throw on for bed.

I cross paths with Christian as he comes into our room. "You forgot this," he says handing me my water bottle and phone. Being emotionally drained messes with my ability to function.

"Thank you." I turn his bedside lamp on and turn the overhead light off before getting into bed.

He gets into bed with me as I messed around on my phone. He puts his hand over my phone screen, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Dani, please."

I sigh, "I'm just drained. I just want to stop feeling like this."

"Why?"

"Because every time I tell someone, I relive it. I relive that day. It throws my whole day off and then I feel off."

"Why don't you come with me tomorrow? You don't have to sit in the stands. They'll let you sit in the dugout or the clubhouse. The guys know you're here so it's not like you'll need to explain yourself to everyone. You shouldn't have to do that in the first place. You don't have to be alone if you don't want to be."

"Okay."

"Dani, you're gonna a few rough days every once in a while. But that's why you're here, right? So that you don't have to do it alone. So you don't have to do it 3,000 miles from here. I'm here with you right now. In a few weeks, I won't be. You'll be tearing shit up overseas with your team while I'm here. You just have to tell me what's going on up in this beautiful head of yours so I know what you're going through."

"Okay." I already know all of this. I know I should be telling him everything. I hate the fact that every time I do retell it, I relive it. I feel like I'm doing so well and then I get knocked down three pegs on a ladder. He reaches over to the light to turn it off, giving me time to get comfortable.

I quickly put my hair up in a bun so it doesn't bother him. He puts his arm around my waist after I had laid back down. He kisses me, "I love you. Nothing is going to change that."

"I know. I love you too." I see the shadows of a small smile on his face appear.

I was finally able to get back to the gym today. It's been a hot minute. It was that little victory that I needed to know I'm going in the right direction. The only sucky thing about it is that I have to go super early in the morning to be alone. 5:30 to be exact.

I wait in my driveway as the garage door opens. I pull in next to Christian's car, getting out and heading inside. I put my keys on the ring and set my gym bag on the floor.

I've really got to start getting back to it if I want to be back by early May. That means going to Madison too. I get out the blender from a cabinet to set it up to make a smoothie before I sit down and relax.

Christian comes down the stairs, getting my attention as I put some berries into the blender before adding yogurt and milk. "Morning, how was the gym?"

"Empty and peaceful."

I put in a scoop of protein powder before shaking it and blending it. I let that run for a minute. He comes over to me, "What'd you do?"

"I did weighted squats, tried to do a bench press but I'm not ready for that, weighted walking lunges, hip extensions, and I ended with 20 minutes on the stair master which I think was the worst part."

I get a spoon to get the smoothie into a different cup. "So, it was leg day?"

"It's always leg day but yes. It was going to be arm day but I decided not to so I don't hurt myself."

"Good decision."

"Yeah, I thought so."

"So what are you doing for the rest of the day?"

"Your mom is supposed to call me in a couple of hours to go over a few things. I'm gonna shower after I'm done with this. I'm hopefully going to work on a few things for Nike since I have a lot of time to kill."

"So, does that mean you'll come with me today?"

"I'm assuming you just want me to go?"

"Please?"

"Okay, I'll go. It's not like I'm busy."

"Oh you know you wanted to go in the first place."

He hugs me, making me try to make him stop, "Sweaty and sticky. I am sweaty and sticky."

He laughs, "Don't fight it. Just hug me."

I keep my arms at my sides before he's able to make them move out of the way. He's a lot stronger than I am right now.

He kisses me briefly, distracting me from his movements of picking me up. I'm so not winning this. I'm set down on the counter, laughing as he does so. "I told you not to fight it. Now you can't go anywhere. Don't act like you don't love me either."

"You need to go put a shirt on. I need to shower and get shit done before we leave."

"What does any of that have to do with me putting a shirt on?"

"Because you're distracting me from doing what I need to do before we leave."

"I'm distracting you?"

"Yes. Very much. I have things to do." I could pout my way out since 99% of the time he gives in.

"Don't start pouting."

There goes that idea. I can tell he knows that he definitely just won this. "You read minds now?" I ask, giving in and putting my arms on his shoulders despite how sweaty and sticky I am.

"Only yours."