I feel so alone.

That's what I've always feel.

The only main things reason why I believe in it because that's what anyone made me feel. I was lack of love, and that's what I am always aiming for. Nothing came naturally to me, I had to understand everything and anything. It was exhausting. I handled everything on my own, without having someone by my side, and that is what I am always thankful about. But I also wanted to have that someone who can be there for me when the times get rough, I also wanted someone who can be there to listen to me whenever I need someone to talk to, I also wanted to feel like there's also someone who's willing to be free when I need them. I am so alone, most of the time. I am still searching and waiting for that love, Was it really worth it? What does it feels like to be loved? I wonder, what it feels like.

I am Aery, currently at Senior High level now. I already missed my father, he left when he chose to be with his another woman. Papa barely talk to us because he is always on his phone, focusing on it.

" Papa, the lunch is already ready. Why are you still on your phone? Still busy? " I asked.

" Oh well, Okay. Later on " He answered, without even looking at me.

" You're always like that, Pa. Are you skipping meals? " I asked again.

" No. But can you please just eat? Don't mind me. " Angal niya at tumayo dala pa rin ang Cellphone niya.

I just let out a deep and big sighed while I prepare our food. Mama was doing her works as a handler sa isang Office, and for sure maya maya pa pauwi na siya. I am the one who's incharge here in our house for a while, dahil hapon na rin umuuwi si Kuya at minsan late pa. But that's okay anyways, He is just also busy on his studies.

Papa acts suspicious and kind of weird these past few months, He also became distant, and made us feel like we are not here. I don't even know what's happening. Minutes have passed, while I was eating, Papa came out and told me he's leaving.

“ Aery, I'm leaving now.. ” He told me habang dala ang kaniyang gamit ang isang malaking maleta, kaya naman napukaw niya ang atensiyon ko at agad ko namang ibinaba ang Cellphone ko.

“ Where are you going, Pa? Work na? That's a lot of stuffs ah, Uuwi ka pa ba? Hahahaha ” Pabiro kong sagot dahil hindi ko naman talaga alam kung saan siya pupunta bakit napakarami niyang gamit na dala at umiling lamang siya.

“ Yes. Hindi na ako uuwi— ” I cut his word off because I really thought he was just fooling around.

“ Wdym Papa? Hindi mo kaya na hindi umuwi, masisikmura mo bang hindi makita ang maganda mong anak? ” I jokingly asked at tumayo habang kunwari'y isang model.

“ I'm serious, Anak. I am leaving not because I am going to work, aalis ako kasi hindi ko na mahal ang mama mo, Anak. ” Sagot niya habang papalapit sa akin. Tama ba ang narinig ko? Bakit? Hindi niya na mahal si Mama?

“ But why? ” I asked while forcing myself not to cry.

“ I already love someone else, Anak. Your mom is always busy on her works, hindi niya na ako nabibigyan ng oras, hindi niya na tayo naalagaan. Yung libreng oras na dapat ibigay niya, ay nahanap ko sa iba. ” Sagot niya naman na nakapagpaluha sa akin. Really? Mama is working for the sake of our family ...

“ And now I am leaving because I already decided to be with her, and start a new life with her. ” Dagdag niya pa. I felt my knees get weaker, na nakapagpaupo sa akin sa Sofa.

“ Pero, Pa... Paano na kami? I-iwanan mo ba ako? Si kuya? Si mama? Para sa babae mo? ” I asked nonstop, while letting my overflowing tears to fall.

He kneel down infront of me and gentle caressed my shoulder to stop me from crying.

“ Shhhh.. ” He whispered.

“ Dad, please stay? ” Pagmamakaawa ko habang tumitingin sa kaniyang mapupungay na mga mata, umaasang magbabago pa ang isip niya.

“ I made up my mind anak, Everytime na nagiging busy ang Mama mo at nawawalan ng oras para sa akin at sa atin— ” Naputol niyang paliwanag nang bumuhos ang luha mula sa kaniyang mata.

“ H-hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang nangyari, Anak. Paniwalaan mo ako, sadyang nawalan lang ng oras ang Mama mo sa akin. Hinanap hanap ko siya sa mga oras na kailangan ko siya, pero hindi ko rin inaasahang mahahanap ko iyon, sa iba. ” Pagpapatuloy niya pa, habang nagpupunas ng kaniyang luha.

I came near closer to him, to beg and ask for him to stay, hoping he will change his mind.

“ Papa, please, stay with us. Alam mo namang kailangan ka namin ni Mama, ni Kuya, at lalong lalo na ako. Pa, h-hindi pa ba kami sapat? Kami nila Mama't kuya? ” Walang tigil kong tanong habang humihikbi

“ Nasilaw na rin ako, Aery anak. Kailangan ko rin sumaya, kahit hindi na sa piling ng Mama mo. Minahal ko ang Mama mo, noon. ” Dugtong niya pa habang tinititigan ako

Sa kalagitnaan nang paguusap namin ni Papa ay may tumunog galing sa pinto namin, alam kong si Mama iyon, kaya naman bahagya akong tumayo't pinagbuksan siya.

“ Aery, anak, andiyan ba ang Papa mo, may binili ako para sa kan— ”  She cut her words off when she heard me sobbing.

“ M-mama... ” I whispered while crying and looking at her

“ Anak? Anong problema? Bakit ka umiiyak? Asan ang papa mo? ” Sunod sunod niya namang tanong habang ibinababa ang kaniya mga gamit.

“ He is leaving.. ” I replied and my tears falls down even more

I carry her bag and led her sa sala kung nasaan si Papa. Mama was dumbfounded when she saw Papa carrying tons of bags and stuffs.

“ Ano na naman ito, Sandro? ”  Tanong naman ni Mama habang siya ay papalapit sa mga gamit na dala ni Papa at tinignan ang mga ito.

“ Aalis na ako ”  Papa immediately replied at tumayo sa kinauupuan niya.

“ Saan ka pupunta? Bakit napakarami naman yata nitong gamit na dala mo? ”  Tanong naman ni Mama.

I already know kung ano ang maaaring isagot ni Papa, because he already told me that he doesn't love Mama no more. I know it'll break my Mama's heart, so do i.

“ May mga kailangan lang akong asikasuhin sa trabaho ” Sabi pa ni Papa at kinuha na ang ibang gamit niya at nagsimulang maglakad papalayo sa amin.

“ Sandro! Bumalik ka! ” Dugtong naman ni Mama habang pasigaw na tinatawag si Papa. Ngunit hindi na ito lumingon ulit.

We watched him turned his back on us without looking back, I begged him to stay, pero walang nagawa ang pagmamakaawa ko sa kaniya. Umalis at iniwan niya pa rin kami. I saw Mama na nakatulala kaya nilapitan ko naman siya agad sa oras na iyon.

" Ma... ” Pagpapakalma ko sa kaniya habang mahinahong hinahaplos ang kaniya likod at kamay.

“ Alam ko ang rason kung bakit na naman siya aalis, kung bakit niya tayo iiwan. ” Mama replied looking straight at me.

“ Mama? You already knew about this? Alam mo ba ang ginawa ni Papa? ” Tanong ko naman din sa kaniya pabalik, at hindi ko maman inaasahan ang pag-oo niya.

“ Oo, anak. Una pa lang alam ko nang nagloloko ang Papa mo sa atin. When I was just giving birth to your kuya pa lang, that's when he first cheated on me. ” Dagdag niya, habang dahan dahang hinahaplos ang kaniyang mga daliri.

“ Then..  Why stay? ” I immediately asked.

“ Because I do have a lot of reasons to stay, my love for him stays even if there's also reason to leave. ” Banggit niya habang nakangisi akong tinanaw.

“ What about us? You guys? Paano na tayo Kung wala si papa? ” I asked nonstop.

“ I do not know what will happen next, Anak. Masiyado na akong matanda para maghabol at magmakaawa pa sa Papa mo. ” Dagdag niya pa.

I just let out a sigh and face my Mama while stopping myself not to cry. I cannot blame her, I also know how much he loves our Papa. I just feel so bad, kasi after all these years, ngayon ko lang nalaman na nagloloko pala si Papa kay Mama, pati sa amin ni Kuya.

It was so hard for me to deal with everyone everyday, knowing my life's gonna change after that day happened, after the day he leaves us. Gladly, our family bond remains the same. I am just do proud of my Mama, because she gaves us all love that Papa never gave us. She have given us feelings that nobody has ever given us, ni Kuya.