Yeah… I’m getting delusional. And the tarot cards aren’t helping… I asked what the end result of this relationship is going to be and the lovers flew out. The oracle cards were also giving signs… I swear if my spirit guides were messing with me… I know I should let go, but I can’t . Not yet. I should stop manifesting… I don’t wanna force things. So maybe I need to do a spell to help me get over them. But I think I’m not ready for that yet. I wanna keep loving her. Even though it hurts me. I guess I’m not ready to let go yet. I’m not ready to stop hoping. I know this is hurting me, so why can’t I just let go?

I just have this feeling they are avoiding me. But I think I’m fine with just watching from the side. I guess… I can’t stop looking at them, but every time I cach myself looking I look away of course. Why do I even love him? I don’t know… I guess I just do. Also, why do I get feelings from them calling me small?! It annoys me but I kinda like it? And then she calls me cute. I’m not cute. But I like getting called cute? But I hate it. But I also like it. I’ll never say that tho. I hate this. I hate that it hurts. But I’m fine with it I guess.

I’ve accepted it. I wouldn’t call it a crush. It’s this weird kind of love, I don’t know how to describe it. I am just feeling what I’m feeling and it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. Maybe because I’m still a bit delusional but that’s fine. I wouldn’t call it a crush, because I love them the most in our friend moments. I just love her and that will always stay that way. I just need to keep it more to myself, but I’m starting to accept that. I still have hope, which doesn’t make sense, but that will go away I guess. It’s really weird because it already feels as though… no… Idk this is so confusing, but at least it doesn’t hurt this moment. I have so much serotonin just because of spending time with him. I actually don’t want this feeling to go away anymore. I accepted that I feel this way.

It is getting better. I’ve accepted that I feel this while Alex doesn’t . And I feel that our connection is getting stronger. They aren’t ignoring me anymore and it is also not just tolerating. Because that was what it felt like before. Now I have the feeling they actually care about me. Maybe it’s not in a romantic way, but he actually likes me. I wouldn’t describe my own feelings as romantic though. It’s more than that. It is love. I want our relationship to stay the same mostly. I don’t want romantic to become the main thing of our relationship. So I’m actually alright with staying friends because then our connection is coming first. To others I just say it’s Ia crush because that’s easier to say. But it’s not really, sure, I want to kiss her and hold hands and stuff, but I also wanna do things like we do now. As friends. I want to be more than friends, but I don’t want to call it romantic because them there are certain expectations. I’m also not sure if I experience love the same way as other people do. Most people say crush to someone they find attractive, it’s more than that. I love their personality, the way she smiles, just everything about them, and obviously she is attractive, but maybe not like most people see attractive, I don’t know. This is still a bit confusing, but I am starting to be fine with it. I still want to have a relationship, and most people would see it as a romantic relationship, but I wouldn’t want to call it that. But it is just a friendship now. And that’s okay. I guess.

Yeah no, it’s not okay. This hurts. It was a really difficult day … It’s just the realisation that they will never feel the same that hurts. I was talking with Hunter about it and they just said you never know but no, please don’t give me false hope. Also, that would be the weirdest friendgroup dynamic ever. Would be funny though. You have Hannah, the only cishet female who is in a happy relationship with the only boy in our class, Alex and Hunter with their nearly friends with benefits situation and then me in a romantic relationship with Alex? Would be complicated. Although it already is because I am crushing on Alex, so we aren’t in a relationship but yes. It is complicated. The thing is that I’m jealous of Hunter but I also don’t mind. Like, it’s just because I want a close relationship with Alex I guess. But if we ever end up together I’m totally fine with the situation with Hunter. But I need to stop thinking about this because it’s not gonna happen. Like, she rejected me two times, actually indirectly three times. So yeah, I need to stop hoping.

What is wrong with me. I’m so unstable, the smallest things make me spiral. This morning Alex was upset about a bad grade he studied really hard for and I wanted to show support but they just snapped at me and I almost started crying, but then she apologized so it’s fine, but the whole day I just felt horrible. Maybe because she was also really flirty with Hunter today… but I’m fine with it… I guess I just feel like Alex is avoiding me again. I couldn’t focus on the lessons anymore. It is getting really bad. I’m nearly a month clean but in class I had this really realistic thought and urge to cut myself so deep that I would need stiches and I still kinda want that but also not because I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone because I don’t want Alex to feel guilty about something they can’t control. Because yes, I feel this way because of him, but I also know she can’t control this and they weren’t disrespectful or mean to me about this so it really isn’t her fault. I’m just messed up and I know that, and I’m trying to work on it. So I’m not cutting myself. For Alex. No, for myself, because I don’t want to fall deeper into the dark than I already am.
What are these feeliiiiings! I am literally screaming in my pillow. I got flustered because of an imaginary scenario. Like, are you serious… Why? I just wish someday they become reality but I need to stay realistic. They don’t see me that way. I’m not even looking for a relationship and I still fell in love. How did that even happen...