It's better ig. They’re not avoiding me I think. We actually talked a lot and they are trying to include me. I’m not gonna talk about my feelings tho. I don’t know. Am I getting over it? Or am I getting in denial again  I don’t show it tho. He actually has a date, so that’s confirmation nothing will happen and that hurt but I hope she didn’t notice I was hiding my pain. But it’s fine. I just want her to be happy. And I’m not the one and I gotta accept that. It hurts but I’m keeping my love for myself. I’ll just hide it because it’s embarrassing tbh. Like, the only person I actually have feelings for doesn’t like me back. I’ll never find someone. So yeah. But everything is totally fine.

I’m switching between being delusional and being in denial. It’s weird because one moment I see signs everywhere and the next second I think” This is just a really good friend and I am definitely not in love” and then they just smile and I’m in love again. And then I have hope that someday he will catch feelings, I don’t believe it, I’m okay, think I’m getting over it, start crying again because I feel like I will never be someone’s favourite person, decide that I’m gonna put myself first, we are better off as friends anyway, it’s safer, I’m getting over it,… I see her again and I am definitely attracted, I ignore it, no, I try to ignore it, doesn’t work, I try to accept I’ll only ever be able to watch, I think I’m okay with it, I still keep hoping, I’m mad at myself for hoping, I stop, start crying again and then I am in denial again, this is just friend feelings, this is normal. Then they talk about her crush and it gets really difficult to stay in denial… I don’t know what I feel now. I’m a bit disappointed, but I guess it’s okay… Ow… No actually, it’s probably not but I realized I just shut my feelings out again. That’s fun. Also, I’m not seeing Alex for two weeks… They don’t have time to hang out… But he does have time to hang out with other friends… They said she didn’t know which day yet, so that means he probably does have time, but I get it, they have a strict mom, so he probably isn't allowed to hang out with people everyday so she needs to choose and he chooses the people who they don’t see everyday at school. It’s logic, but I’m still sad about it. Which is valid. But yeah, I know I shouldn’t be stuck on Alex anymore, because I don’t wanna have feelings for someone who doesn’t have feelings for me. I need to love myself first anyway:)
I tried to distract myself to not think about it, but I had therapy today so obviously I talked about it… I just feel so alone again… Alex hasn’t texted me… I guess they’re not thinking about me. Makes sense I guess… She’s probably only friends with me because it’s convenient. I’m overthinking again. I just kinda hope he misses me. At least a bit. Probably not. I miss them. I miss all my friends tbh. At least Vic and Mo text me. And Hannah only texted about when to hang out. I just wanna talk to people. But I guess they’re too busy. Or I’m not important enough. I should probably tell them how I feel tho. They probably don’t even notice I’m feeling alone.

I felt alone the whole vacation but obviously there wasn’t much to talk about. School started again and it went fine I guess. I don’t know, I guess I’m kinda over it but I’m still attracted to them and I still get gay panic but I don’t have hope anymore. We even talked during lunch break so that’s progress. We even talked so much we missed the bell and we were late for class. I don’t know if the teacher meant it that way but she made a comment that could be understood as that we were busy with something else than just talking. Maybe it was just me but some people in the class were laughing to themselves then. I don’t mind them thinking that, but it still hurts a bit. Yeah, I’m over it, but that doesn’t mean the feelings are completely gone and that also doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Because it definitely does. She called me cute again, which I don’t mind( only Alex can call me that btw) but I’m getting tired of people always calling me cute. I’m always cute but never pretty or handsome. I’m fun enough to be friends, but not special enough to date. I don’t even want to date, but it hurts that no one even considers it. Guess I’ll always be the ugly fat weird kid that should be happy someone likes them enough to be friends. I don’t even care about my body type, I just hate that my body type isn’t seen as pretty by most people. I wish people saw me as someone beautiful. But no one ever told me that. Yeah my friends did, but friends just say that to be nice. No one has ever been attracted to me. All I’ve ever had was people asking me out to make fun of me. In my only relationship, I was the one who asked first and they never really said I was beautiful. I don’t know if I want a relationship. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t, but I guess it doesn’t matter if no one is attracted to me. I’m not gonna change myself, so I guess I’ll be alone forever. Especially when I don’t get attracted easily and the only one I’ve ever really been attracted to wasn’t attracted to me. So even if someone is attracted to me, I probably won’t be attracted to them, and if I do like them, they probably won’t like me because I am not conventionally attractive so there aren’t many people in this world who could be attracted to me, and I know that because I haven’t met anyone, so there is such a little chance of me liking someone who likes me back, that I’m not going to expect it anymore. So I’ll have to learn how to be alone without feeling lonely.