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vii.
doubts

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Harley didn't go to school for four days.

During that period, he had spent his time with Lesley. It still shocked him, but his sister never once scolded or neglected him. Unlike his mother, Lesley made sure that he eats enough. She would ask him to sleep the moment she senses that he's tired, and she would buy anything he wants. Even if he just glances at an item for a few seconds, she would instantly purchase it for him—despite his protests that he didn't want it.

He had never been cared for like this before. Mother was never concerned if he was starving. All she wanted him to do was study, study and study. If he wasn't studying, it was either because she had locked him in the basement, or because she was too busy beating him up. Lesley, on the other hand, was the opposite. She wanted him to do whatever he wanted, and she would make sure that he had all his needs.

Lesley parked the car next to the road, and he could see the worry glinting in her eyes when she looked at him. "Harley, are you sure you're ready for school? You can still sit at home if you want."

Harley gave her a reassuring smile. "I'll be fine, Lesley. Besides, I can't skip today. I have an exam, remember?"

Lesley bit her lip, before she gave him a hesitant nod. "You're right. But I want you to know that, no matter what results you get, I'll still love you, all right?"

Harley could only give his sister a small smile. He wanted to make her proud, so he would try his best. Hopefully, he could score his exams like usual. He knew that Lesley kept reminding him not to push himself, but he had done all he could in order to catch up with his lessons.

"I love you, Harley," Lesley said, throwing her arms around him. "I'll pick you up here, okay?"

He nodded his head before returning her embrace. "I love you too, Lesley."

After giving each other a quick hug, Harley exited the car. He started walking towards the school building, and he found Lesley waving at him when he glanced over his shoulder. He couldn't help but smile as he waved back, but he made an abrupt stop when he remembered that he left his lunch at home.

And he didn't bring any money.

He knew that Lesley was probably still watching him from behind, and he didn't want her to find out. So, he continued to walk as if nothing happened. She had done so much for him already, and he didn't want to trouble her anymore. Besides, it was only a few hours of school. He had lasted a day without food, so this was probably nothing.

He passed the hallway with his head lowered, and he hoped that his hat was enough to cover his face. He didn't want to make eye contact with anyone, especially after all the things he had done. However, he could still feel multiple pair of eyes onto him, and, all of a sudden, the hallway was filled with whispers. He tried to block out the sounds, but the whispers were getting louder and louder–

"Harley!"

Harley was startled when he found Nana standing in front of him. There was a huge smile on her face, though, her eyes were showing worry. And, now that he was staring at her, he realised that she had always been the one trying to befriend him despite his attitude. It made him feel bad that he had always hurt her feelings whenever she tries to be nice, but, what was done is done, and it was too late to change anything now.

Nana noticed that he wasn't responding, so she continued, "It's been a while since we've last seen you."

"Yeah..." Harley said, looking away. He couldn't look at her in the eye. He had done so many horrible things to her. "Nana, I... I'm sorry for everything I've done to you."

"Harley, it's okay," Nana said, her features softening. He winced when she suddenly held his hand. "But... what about you? Are you really okay now?"

He nodded a little. "Lesley had been taking care of me."

"And your wounds?"

"A lot of them are fading," Harley said, slowly pulling his hand away from her grasp. Inwardly, he wondered how Nana was still able to talk to him after what he had done to her. He knew that she must've been hurt with the things he had said. "Nana, why are you still talking to me?"

Nana tilted her head to the side in confusion. "What do you mean, Harley?"

He looked down, and he ended up staring at his feet. He could feel his toes curling inside his shoes. "I mean, even after all the things I've said to you, you still talk to me. Then you and Harith just kept trying to find out what was really happening to me. And then you guys were the one who visited me at the hospital. Why do you guys care so much?"

Nana gasped, before she crossed her arms against her chest. "Why would we not care?" Suddenly, she took a step forward, and Harley had to take a step back to keep his distance. "I had a feeling from the start that you were hiding something, but I couldn't tell what it was. Then Harith found you in the bathroom all injured. How are we not concerned?"

"But I said all those–"

"Because you didn't want us to find out," Nana quickly finished. She took in a deep breath before exhaling. When she looked at him, her eyes twinkled with something akin to sympathy. "Harley, forget about what you said. Harith and I don't really care–"

"That's a lie, you almost cried when Harley didn't want to eat your cookies and called you a peasant," Harith interrupted, walking towards them. Harith must be angry if he said that, so maybe it would be best if he leaves. Harley was about to walk away, but Harith grabbed his arm. "Harley, wait."

All of a sudden, breathing became a difficult task for him. Harith may have saved him from jumping off the rooftop the other day, but what if he still hadn't forgive him for all the things he'd done? Was he going to beat him up? Could he afford another set of bruises? Harley could feel the chilly air blowing at his skin, and, abruptly, his head felt light–

"Harley!" Harith called, snapping him out of his thoughts. The leonin was looking directly at him, his face worried, and Harley wondered when he had sat down on the floor. "Oh god– are you okay?!"

Harley let out a few shaky breaths, before he lifted his hand to rub his temple. The black spots that appeared around his vision were starting to disappear, and he bad to blink a few times in order to keep himself conscious.

"Harith, you idiot!" Nana scolded, punching the older leonin's arm. "You didn't have to mention that part! Now, look what you've done! He almost passed out because of you!"

"I didn't mean to! I was just about to reassure him that all is good. Harley, I'm so sorry!"

"I-It's fine," Harley muttered, making an attempt to stand up. He could feel his knees shaking underneath him, and he had to support himself by placing his hand against the wall. "Just do what you want. I... I can handle it. I've faced it for years anyway, so it wouldn't make any difference."

Harith's brows furrowed, and he stared at him for a while as if he grew a second head. Then, he seemed to understand what he meant. "What the– you thought I was going to hit you?!"

Harley flinched when Harith yelled. He then blinked a few times before looking at the leonin warily. "Weren't you going to hit me?"

"Harley, I–" Harith groaned, before he buried his face in frustration. He then lifted his head in order to look at him. "Harley, hurting you is the last thing I want to do. Why did you think I was going to hit you?"

Harley fidgeted anxiously. With the tone Harith used just now, he could've sworn that the leonin was going to hit him. He had been so apprehensive these days, he kept thinking that everyone was going to hurt him. Because Mother wasn't here to hurt him anymore, he thought that, maybe other people might be the one replacing her?

When he didn't say anything, Nana was the one who broke the silence. "Nevermind about that. Harley, we're not going to hurt you. We just wanted to make sure you're okay."

Harley gave them a barely visible nod. It was hard to believe that none of them held a grudge after what he did, but he was just going to trust them. "Okay."

She smiled before grabbing his hand. "Now, come on. Exams are about to start."

It was awkward when he reached class. The moment he arrived, the whole class seemed to fall silent. He could only lower his head as he passed everyone to make his way to his desk. He could feel everyone's stares onto him, and he knew that it must be because of everything that had happened. Thankfully, Nana started chatting with them, and the class soon became noisy again.

"Hey." Harley whipped his head to the side, and he exhaled deeply when it was just Harith. The leonin was frowning as he looked at him, and he wondered what was wrong. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to tell me, all right? I know it's too early for you to return back to school, so don't overwork yourself."

Harith's words made him remember that he had left his lunch at home, and he considered borrowing some of his money. But, remembering how he had treated the leonin in the past, he realised that he didn't deserve it. It was good enough that he wasn't mad at him. So, he just gave the leonin a smile. "Thank you, Harith."

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The bell rang, and the second exam paper was finally over. Harley dropped his pencil, and he waited for the teacher to collect his paper. Recess was in five minutes, so he would head over to the library after this. Since he couldn't really eat, it would be better if he spent some time for reading. He knew that Harith and Nana were keeping an eye on him, so he could just lie and tell them that he didn't want to eat because he wanted to study.

There was a knock, and everyone turned their heads to see who it was. Harley was surprised to find Lesley standing at the doorway, with his lunch in her hand. She spoke to the teacher for a few seconds, before the teacher called him to meet her.

Words couldn't describe how happy and relieved he was when he saw his sister. He just felt like throwing his arms around her, because school had been nerve-racking, and he just wanted to stay at home with her. But, he refrained himself from doing so, because everyone was watching, and it was bad enough that everyone knew how anxious he was the whole time.

"Harley, you left your lunch at home," Lesley said, passing his lunch to him. All of a sudden, a frown made its way to her lips, and her voice was serious when she said, "Why didn't you tell me? If I hadn't notice, you wouldn't be eating anything."

Harley averted his gaze. "I didn't want to trouble you."

"Harley," Lesley said, her voice firm. She cupped his face so that he would look at her. "You will never trouble me, do you understand? Just tell me what you need, and I'll give it to you."

He was reluctant when he nodded his head. He felt like he had troubled her enough already. "Thank you, Lesley."

She smiled, before she reached inside her pocket. She took out her purse, and she gave him twenty dollars. "Here."

His eyes widened at the amount of money she handed. "Lesley, this is too–"

"I want you to take it," Lesley said, putting the money inside his palm. She then moved her hand to cup his cheek, and she smiled sadly at him. "Your cheeks used to be so chubby, I could just squeeze them. But, because of Mother, I can't do that anymore."

Harley lowered his head. He had noticed that his cheeks had gotten sunken over the past few years, but he couldn't do anything about it when his mother was the one who controlled his diet. But that wasn't his main focus right now. Since Lesley mentioned about Mother, he wondered how she was doing. He had heard that she was in jail already, and he couldn't help but think whether she was okay or not being locked up in there.

"Anyway," Lesley said, shaking her head to snap out of her trance. "I want you to eat, all right? Eat as much as you can. I want your cheeks to be all chubby again, and you need to make up for all the nutritions you lost."

A small smile crept on his lips, and he bobbed his head. "Okay."

She threw his arms around him, and he instantly returned the hug. Her voice was soft when she said, "Please take care of yourself. I'll be waiting for you outside of school, okay? I love you, Harley."

He tightened his embrace. He didn't want her to leave him, but he had another paper after recess, so he couldn't leave school just yet. Just a few more hours, he told himself. So, reluctantly, he pulled away, and his eyes were looking at her longingly when he said, "I love you too, Lesley."

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The long-awaited bell rang, and Harley wasted no time to pack his stuff before hurrying out of school. Nana and Harith had suggested that they should walk home together, but he had told them that Lesley was waiting for him, and he would be leaving as soon as possible. The two of them understood and told him that they were okay with that, but, somewhere in the back of his mind, he couldn't help but feel guilty that he was leaving them without saying goodbye.

Earlier, the two of them had sat with him during recess. He actually preferred if he was sitting alone, but, since it was only the two of them, he didn't mind their presence. They had kept him company the whole time, and, even though he didn't talk much with them, they still tried to make a conversation with him.

Harley was relieved when he spotted Lesley's car, with Lesley standing outside of it. The moment she saw him, she waved her hand in the air, and she quickly motioned towards him to help him carry his stuff.

"So, how was exams?" Lesley asked, taking his bag from him. She then unlocked the car and opened the door. "Was it okay?"

Harley didn't want to admit, but it was a little difficult. He wasn't sure whether it was because he had missed school for a few days, or because the questions were just hard. Nonetheless, he just gave his sister a small smile. "It was okay."

"That's good to hear," Lesley said, grinning.

The both of them entered the car, and it took a while for Lesley to make sure she had everything before starting the engine. She was about to drive, when her phone started ringing. Harley could hear a muffle curse escaping from her, before she answered the phone. The moment he heard a voice coming from the other end of the phone, Lesley's lips turned into a frown, and he wondered who was calling her that seemed to ruin her mood.

All of a sudden, Lesley gripped her phone, and she sounded angry when she said, "Like hell I'm going to do that. After what you did? No."

Harley stiffened at his sister's words.

Could she be talking to Mother?

"No, I'm not doing it," Lesley said, her eyes narrowed. Her voice was monotone when she said, "Goodbye."

She ended the call, and he was startled when she just slammed her phone on the dashboard. She was eerily quiet for a while, and it looked like she was deep in thought. Her hands tapped on the steering wheel impatiently, and it didn't take long before she let out a frustrated groan.

"Lesley?" Harley called, and her face immediately softened when she looked at him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just..." She shook her head and started driving the car. "Mother wants us to visit her."

Harley was silent as he drove. He couldn't help but think about Mother. It had been a while since he had last seen her. "So... are we going to visit her?"

"What?! No!" Lesley exclaimed, her eyes focusing on the road. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the steering wheel. "She said she misses both of us, but I don't care. She has hurt you too much, which doesn't give her the right for her to say that."

Harley didn't say anything for a while. But then, he spoke, "I miss her too, Lesley."

The car made an abrupt stop, and Harley jolted forward because of it. Thank goodness they invented seatbelts. Otherwise, he would be flying out of the window by now. Some cars honked at Lesley for stopping like that, but his sister was too busy staring at him in horror for her to notice it.

"What did you say?" Lesley said, her voice slightly raised, and Harley winced at her voice. "How could you– how could you miss someone like her?!"

Harley instantly realised his mistake, and he quickly shook his head. It wasn't like he missed her like that. He couldn't exactly describe the feeling, but all he knew was that he just felt conflicted at the moment. "I mean, I don't miss her hitting me and all, but... she's our mother, you know?"

"She's a monster!"

"I know," Harley said, his voice in a whisper. All of a sudden, his vision started to blur, and he forced himself to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. He knew that he was hurt because of her, but he couldn't help himself. "But... she was hurt by Father too..."

"Harley, I'm aware of that," Lesley said, her face growing solemn. "But that doesn't mean you should–"

"You don't understand. She needs something to release her stress," Harley said, looking at her all teary-eyed. "So, if hitting me helps her release her stress, then–"

"Don't you dare say that you're fine with it," Lesley said, her voice dangerously low. His eyes widened when he noticed that her body was shaking, and he flinched when she yelled, "I will not let you be fine with it, Harley!"

"Lesley–"

"I left you for five years with that... that bitch, only to find you bruised and suicidal after that," Lesley whispered, her eyes glistening. She let out a shuddering breath, before she continued, "Do you have any idea how much it hurts me? It hurts me to see you like this!"

Harley didn't know what to say. This was the first time he had seen her so emotional.

"Where's the Harley that loves to try out new things? Where's the Harley that isn't afraid of anything? Where's the Harley that would smile at me cheekily whenever he's enjoying himself?!" Lesley shouted, tears flowing down her cheeks. "He's gone now! He's gone because of me. I left him with Mother, and I was the one who let her reduce him into... into this!"

Harley was quiet as his sister cried, and the only thing he could do now was hold her hand. He was surprised when she let him hold it, and his frown deepened when he realised how much this had been weighing on her. He wasn't aware that his sister felt like this. He knew that she blamed himself, but he didn't know that she blames herself to this extent. He had tried reassuring her that it wasn't her fault at all. But, no matter how hard he tried, Lesley still thinks that it was her fault that he ended up like this.

"I'm sorry," Lesley said, wiping her face with her hand. She took a few deep breaths, and she looked at him when she had calmed down. "I'm sorry for yelling at you. It's just that... how are you still okay with her, even after all the things she had done to you?"

"I'm not exactly okay with her, but I just pity her, you know?" Harley said, letting out a sigh. He then leaned back in his seat. "I don't know, Lesley. I'm tired of her hitting me all the time, but... I lived with her for almost my whole life, so I feel like I need to see her one last time. At least I know that she can't hurt me while she's in jail."

Lesley looked at him thoughtfully for a while. She seemed to be considering his decision, and she soon gave him a small nod. "All right. But I'm only doing this for you,