L I S A

In the beginning, life seemed to like the idea of terminating my existence, pulling the method of loneliness, like a man who runs down to take a cap. And did it matter? No, it didn't. When your happiness isn't real, then that's how you should always feel. Until the time comes, and someone tells you to forget, to stop the pain that you adore by every blink of an eye. They weren't tears, they were, just empty. An empty vow, an empty part that I had to keep as a part of the damage.

I read an article the other day, about how; Opposites attract.

And I can honestly say that, it's true.

I was attracted to someone who didn't rekindle our departure, someone who didn't even ask. And was it all my fault?

*Flashback On*

"You are leaving me Jen-nie?". Tears invaded my eyes as I held the small teddy bear close to me, hoping the universe will hear my prayers, and not let her go.

"It's—it's only going to be for a while Lisa-ya". Jennie hugged me tightly, smiling into the hug. But I knew Jennie very well, she didn't cry to be strong. To not make this even harder for us than it really is.

"You only say that—to not make me sad". I pouted at my bestie, who pushed my shoulder away with her toy. "You are such a cry baby".

"No, I'm not!".

"Yes, you are".

"No, I'm not!".

"Yes, you are!". Jennie screamed as I bit my lip, trying to hold back my laugh. She giggled at her outburst and sat down next to me.

"Do you, b-believe in soulmates?". She asked me, and brushed her dolls hair, certainly Barbie. The perfect girl's toy.

"Do you think, they exist?". I asked her back, not knowing if it's true or not.

"Of course! They are just like me and you". I smiled at my best friend, "You promise?".  I held out my pinky, as my eyes watered at my bestie.

"I promise you, Lisa". She intertwined our pinkies and hugged me again, now more warmly, but yet a hug that didn't mean letting go; perhaps a hug that said goodbye.

*Flashback End*

"Lisa? Lisa are you okay?!". Chaeyoung rubbed my shoulder as I felt my whole world crumble down, and turn black again.

"I..I will be okay".

"You are still thinking about her aren't you?". I give her half a grin and chuckled at my own stupidity. "It doesn't matter, now let's get this over with".

"That's the Lisa I know!". Rosé clapped and held the camera to take the photo, she needed from me. And this felt weird because I was the one who naturally, perhaps occasionally, takes pictures of people, not people taking pictures of me. I shrugged at the thunder that rambled my thoughts into a maze and posed for the girl, who awaited me with a huge smile.

Click. "Yass!".

Click. "You are slaying this girl!".

Click. "Damn, if I only had my holy water here". I glared at the church girl who muttered a 'just kidding'. Did I look so sinful?

Chaeyoung continued to take pictures of me, and the nostalgia of the other girl's gummy smile, betrayed me, once again.

*Flashback On*

"Did you see the gift your mom got for me?". I asked Jennie, who was using her toys to build a small pink building.

"Yes, it's a—a camera". I smiled, "A Barbie camera, but why did your m-mom get me a Barbie one? I never liked Barbie". My lips quivered into a pout as she laughed.

"She thinks your beautiful like Barbie". Her gummy smile made all of my sadness go away. "You think I'm beautiful Jen?".

"Of course, you're my one and only bestie".

*Flashback end*

It was the little parts, in my childhood that my mind always recalls, the brave and young Jennie, was now all confident, it seemed like nothing changed, except she was a well-known model, a girl that lives the privileged life. Unlike me, I didn't want any of the industry visuals.

Photography is my daily escape:

"Always explore, and learn more". The voice echoed in my head.

"La Lisa?". Chaeyoung's soft voice altered me by a frown. "Sorry..".

"It's okay, do you want to continue this or leave?". I didn't want to upset Rosé, but I felt trapped between these four walls, pretending to take pictures that will make me look like a goddess when I'm just an ordinary, unknown photographer.

"Let's leave, this won't make anything different you chipmunk, I still look like a walking robot". The swiftest words could change a conversation, Chaeyoung stopped in her tracks and looked stunned at my words, did I say something wrong?

"Did you look at yourself in the mirror?".

I nodded, "Don't try, I still feel like a robot".

"Whatever pleases you, but if you are one, then you are a hella cute one". Chaeyoung giggled and opened the door of my car, hopping in with a huge grin, that made me chuckle.

"So smooth Rosé".

"What can I say, I grew up in Melbourne Australia, you can't blame me for being smooth and sassy". She flipped her hair to the side and grinned at my shocked expression. This girl can be confident when she wants to be, I swear.

"Okay, now where to?".

"Take me home". I furrowed my eyebrows at the girl from beside me, and a small smile traced us both with a mind-reading era.

"Would you take the wheel, If I lose control? If I'm lying here, Will you take me home?!". We both sang with our loudest pitched voices. Rosé giggled once her eyes met mine as I chuckled with a small smirk.

Chaeyoung's beautiful voice demanded a genuine smile from me. "Could you take care of a broken soul? Will you hold me now?". She closed her eyes and then sang like an angel, as I was struck with her beautiful voice.

"Oh, will you take me home? Oh, will you take me home? Oh, will you take me home? Oh, will you take me home? Oh, will you take me home?". Once her eyes opened, I clapped like a manic as she blushed. "Now come on, it wasn't that good".

"Girl, where? not good?". I looked out the window, she laughed. "You sounded amazing, pretty little angel". She giggled as I started the car.

15 minutes later

Once I parked the car near her house, my bestie flagged an annoying, cute smile, as I pinched her cheeks. "Stop! That hurts you robot".

"I know that hurts, your majesty". I bowed like a guard, but she didn't laugh. With a serious expression, she smacked me in the back of my head, "Ouch!".

She smirked, "You deserve it".

"You are so violent. I didn't know chipmunks wear fake masks and pretend all cute when they are evil". She squirmed like a fish. "How dare you?!".

Again, she moved her hand to hit me but I stopped her, "Okay, okay relax your hormones. You know I didn't mean it that way". She crossed her arms, still mad at me. But I was telling the truth, Even Sandy from Sponge-bob has a dark side, that none of the kids seemed to discover. I did my researches, and it was all right.

"We are already here". I zipped my mouth once she glared at me.

"Already want to get rid of me ya Lisa?".

I shrugged, "Of course not, you know I love you my chipmunk". I patted her shoulder and leaned in to hug her sideways.

She bit back a small smile. I always know how to make this girl smile, and she's one of the reasons. I'm still going on with my miserable life.

"Okay, I'm going to go. When are you stopping by?".

"I don't know, I will see. I need to go to the job interview, and then see where things will go. I just hope the magazine, is well known enough. So my work gets to be seen by this world, not that I really care. But you know what happened in the last magazine I worked for. A reason why I'm still here, not out there doing what I love freely". I marked my words with a heavy sigh, not did everyone understands a situation, where you had to cover up the mistakes of others or get blurred from claiming your work.

Your own sweat, that involved something you love.

Chaeyoung pinched her cheeks in thought and rubbed my shoulder like the caring friend she is. "Don't worry Lisa. You are one of the best when it comes to photography. I know you will do well, just make a good first impression. Oh and, don't flirt a lot". She smirked as I laughed at her sudden attempt, I know what she's thinking.

"You may make someone fall in love with you by your flirtatious attitude, you snake". Chaeyoung admitted, Oh now I'm the snake?

"Oh, I'm the snake? Get out of my car". She flipped her hair again, she needs to stop flipping her hair, or she might break her neck.

"Oh, thanks. I was leaving anyway". She opened the door and then closed it with a smile. "Have fun at work". She winked and left me, to think about this new mind-eating job, or job interview. Do I really make a bad first impression?

Some people revel in the sensory calm that isolation can bring, and the creativity it can bring to life. For me, being alone was my worst nightmare. Even though I stay alone a lot, and sometimes don't mind it. But a small part of me itches to have someone through my dark days. My thoughts run wild when I'm alone, with nothing to do and no one to talk to, my deepest fears clawed at the base of my throat and buried themselves in my chest, quickening the gentle thud of my heart. No matter how many times, I try to forget Jennie, her eyes and smile flash in my face, mind, and heart. My heart remembers her like it's yesterday.

Even though, it's been 12 years.

But, Oh, how I wish I could return to those meadows, among the trees which had been planted time long past; and I yearn for the extra hours of June solstice, where we frolicked about the vast plains of the open country, and then hurtled back from wherever we came before the moon shed its light on us, and spawned "dastardly creatures", as mother put it, and to awaken tomorrow so we could begin again. That was a youth of mine I shall never forget, as well as the friends I had shared it with.

With my best friend, that forgot me long ago.

Mama's apron was a staple of my childhood, patterned with all things traditional, Thailand's teapots to the palace guards. When I think of it the aromas of her fresh baking come flooding into my brain, my heart leaps and there is that moment of serenity. I see her in that apron, arms wide, a hug just a few steps away.

As Jennie enjoys the meals my mom used to cook and laugh at me whenever I make a fool out of myself. I leaned back into my chair and faintly smiled at no one, tears bucking under my brown orbs, isolating the warmth of the sun from grazing my sadness into the sky.

If Jennie doesn't remember me, then I'll remember her in every part of the way.

And I am alone in this nightmare. I don't know who those other people are. How people move in crowds and not get irritated with their movements. It seems as though they are in the same boat as me, running away from the giant, but I have to befriend them. It's just... better if I found an exit if I found a way out.

Jennie's face haunts me every day and night, I see her face on magazines. Hear her voice on the radio, and see the news of her and her boyfriend..

They looked like a happy couple, and could I change anything from all of that?

Shutting out the plague of white, I drifted into a world of my own, memories dancing with fantasies until the line between them was blurred. I took solace in my imagination; a transient fortress that only she could enter.

The escaping reality was the easy part. There was only so long I could hide before life started breaking down my walls.

Before, I broke and screamed at this whole wide world for not being enough; and that's why people leave.

I'm hopeless.

But do I have to keep hoping for you, Jennie?