BEE POV

***

DECEMBER 2ND

What day was this?

I hadn't left my bed in ages. I hadn't turned my phone on in days. I hadn't gone to my computer or been on social media, I couldn't eat without feeling sick.

Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I was under reacting. I didn't know, nor care.

I rolled over and stared at my wall. I couldn't even cry anymore. Lydia had stopped trying to get me to leave my room. Time, she'd said, give it time.

It had to have been a week already.

I finally sighed and sat up, already feeling the effects of the world setting in. I plugged my phone in and waited for it to finally turn back on.

I could see myself in the mirror across the room. My hair was frizzy and matted, my makeup almost completely gone and streaked across my cheeks; I looked pale and sick, which was understandable since I hadn't seen the light of day in who knows how long.

My phone turned on. I was right--it'd been just over six days.

My inbox was flooded with DMs from my friends. A trending hashtag on Twitter said "#WheresBee?. Missed calls, voicemails, texts from my friends.

I emerged from my room and into the bathroom to finally shower and brush my teeth. It was disgusting, I know. My stomach rumbled.

The water was hot and felt soothing against my skin. I let it pour over me, soaking my hair and rehydrating my body. Shampoo and conditioner relieved my scalp of the knots I'd acquired. A dose of facewash removed the last of my dried tears and mascara.

But even with my smudged makeup gone, I still had brilliant dark bags under my eyes when I stepped out of the shower. I stared at myself in disgust.

What had I done to deserve this? I couldn't put my finger on it. What had I done wrong? Was it because I moved? Was I the one at fault?

I got dressed and finally went downstairs, grabbing a bowl of cereal and sitting at the table. Lydia was out for the day.

A few people had noticed that I'd unfollowed Nick and made the connection that we'd broken up--although we never actually talked about it. I didn't tell him we were done. I just blocked him and fell into a depression. I wanted to talk to him--ask him why, or even just scream at him--but I didn't want to break my heart further.

Dream messaged me again.

I had to call your Aunt to make sure you weren't dead
I know you probably won't answer and you probably don't care
but nick's really sorry
and he wants to talk to you
to sort everything out

why would I want to talk to him?
after the hell he's just put me through?

i thought maybe things would be different with him Dream
I'll talk to him but this changes nothing
I'm not going back online
I'm not going back on twitch
i'm not going back to youtube
i'm done with it

but this is what you wanted for so long, Bee

and it was nice while it lasted
but i need a break
a real break
maybe i'll stream again eventually
but unless something drastically changes my mind
you might as well un-whitelist me from you and your friends
i don't want to talk to any of you anymore

Bee don't be like that
you're our friend

no Dream
he was your friend first

I groaned and unblocked Nick's number, seeing an influx of text messages delivering from the course of the week. I read through each of them slowly.

Bee
i know you're mad
but please just talk to me
it's not what it looks like
i promise
just let me explain everything
we were at a party, i'd had some drinks
i didn't kiss her
i promise
i swear to fucking god i didn't kiss her
i don't even know who she is
i would never disrespect you like that
i know you won't answer and i know you've blocked me on everything
nobody else will and that's totally understandable
but i need you to know that i never kissed her back
she kissed me
i tried to push her off of me i swear
please bee
Libbe
Elisa
Elisabeth
i know you're furious with me
Dream said you were mad at him too
if i never get to talk to you again just know that i would never have hurt you like that
i'm not a cheater bee
i promise

then why is there a picture
why is it posted on YOUR private Instagram
why didn't you tell Dream that right away?

i tried explaining to Dream
but he wouldn't listen to me
please bee believe me

why was it on your account? who took the picture?
and why should i believe you anyways?

I don't know who took the picture
i put my phone down for a secondand the next thing i know i'm trying to fight some guy to give it backand then clay and i went homeand i went to sleepand i woke up to him screaming at me
I'm not saying you have to believe me
it's okay if you don't but that's the truth
i didn't kiss her back
it was a split second and i pushed her off

why were you being such an asshole?
i felt neglected

and then after this
it just feels like you hated me
I don't hate you
i've never hated you
i miss you every day
I know i was acting like an asshole
i don't know why i was
i kept hearing you talk about tom and north dakota and lydia and i miss you
and i never wanted you to leave
but i wanted you to be happy
bee you looked so sad everytime you stream up there
god i'm sorry
i fucked up
i know i fucked up
i'm sorry

it's ok

is it?

no, but it is what it is