ʀɪʟᴇʏ

"Can you leave?"

Please, stay.

"Okay," she quickly says and slips out of the window.

I don't want her to leave. 

I want to tell her that I don't like Lucas like I thought I did. I want to tell her that I like her.

But no, my mind and mouth have separate plans apparently.

I'm not entirely sure as to why I pushed her away for the past few weeks. Then again, I'm not sure about anything lately. I didn't want to have feelings for my best friend.

That's probably why I pushed her away. I wanted these feelings to go away, so I figured that avoiding her would do the trick. Clearly, they didn't. Now she thinks I hate her and I never want to see her again, but that's the opposite of what I want.

Does what I want even matter?

She won't feel the same way and I'm just a mess. I'll just be miserable with Lucas because that's what I deserve. I don't deserve to be happy with her because I ruined everything that we had.

Honestly, I don't even know what I'm feeling.

How could I like my best friend? How come I've never felt this way before, but all of a sudden, I'm crazy over her?

Of course, I've always thought of Maya as beautiful and downright perfect, but I never thought that I'd like her like this. I guess it makes sense, but why now? Why am I realizing this when I'm with Lucas? 

With Lucas, I'm not happy at all. I keep telling myself that I am, but I'm just scared. Scared that if I don't feel anything with him, then I really do like my best friend. And now, it's clear that I do. I'm going crazy over her.

She makes me happier than I've ever been. I've always known that, but being without her just shows how strong my feelings are. I'm hopeless without her.

A few weeks without her was tough, but now I might never talk to her again. It's all my fault, too. I just wished that I said what I felt instead of lying to myself.

I like you, Maya, it's always been you. Forget about him, you're the only one for me.

~~~~~

Farkle asked me to come over a few days later.

I decided to go and spill my heart to him. I have to tell someone before I go insane. We've known each other since before we could speak. I feel like the worst friend; I pushed Farkle and Maya away just for some guy that I really don't like.

I really didn't know what to do in this situation. I'm kind of making it up as I go, which is bad because one friendship just went down the drain.

I knock on Farkle's apartment door and wait. I really hope that I don't fuck up our friendship, too. At this rate, I'll have no friends by the end of the week.

"Hey," he smiles and lets me in.

"Hi, Farkle," I give him a hug. "I'm sorry. I pushed everyone away just for some stupid guy, who I don't even fucking like. I-"

"Wait, you don't like him?" he cuts me off with an astonished look.

"No," I tell him. "I told myself that I did, but I'm miserable with him. And I think I just destroyed my friendship with Maya. I...I don't know, I just hate myself for everything."

"Hey, relax," he softly says as we sit on his couch. "Can you tell me everything? I wanna help."

Hesitantly, I nod. "Okay."

I tell him that I feel nothing for Lucas and everything for Maya. Lucas is a great person and all, but I can't be with him. I want her only, even if we remain just friends. I can't stand not seeing her because she's the only reason that I'm ever happy. 

"What do I do, Farkle?" I quietly say. "Maya's never gonna talk to me, so should I just stay with Lucas? I mean, that's what I deserve right now; to be totally miserable. I don't deserve happiness."

"Hey, don't say that," he furrows his eyebrows. "You deserve everything, Riley. Maya likes you, too."

I blink. "What?"

"She likes you, idiot," he smirks. "She's been hanging out with me while you were out with Lucas. All we talk about is how much she's head over heels for you, Ri."

"She likes me? Like...likes me?"

He rolls his eyes. "Yes, she likes you. And it really hurt her when you told her to leave, you know? And when you pushed her away for weeks...and slept with her, only to never talk to her again..."

My eyes widen. "She told you everything?"

He lightly laughs. "Well, yeah. Who was she supposed to tell?"

"I didn't want to hurt her," I sigh. "I didn't want to feel this way, so I thought ignoring her would make me...I don't know. But now I feel awful."

"Hey, it's okay," he reassures. "Neither of you entirely know what you feel right now. It's fine that you reacted the way you did, you didn't know what else to do. Talk to her, she misses you. She's probably crying her eyes out right now."

"How could I talk to her after what I did?"

"Forget about what you did and just tell her how you feel. You should probably break up with Lucas, though..."

Oh.

"Yeah," I laugh. "Thank you, Farkle. I'm sorry for being a shitty friend. I really didn't know what I was thinking."

"It's okay," he smiles. "Sometimes we do things that we don't wanna do. But, if we really care, we make it right. So go make things right, Ri."

I nod and hug him. "Bye, I love you."

He opens the front door. "Love you, too."

I walk out and exit the quiet building to enter the obnoxiously loud city. I go to Mom's bakery and text Lucas to meet me here. 

Lucas really wasn't a bad guy. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or anything, because I'd feel even worse about this whole thing. I hope that we could still be friends after this, but I doubt that.

He replies with an okay and I order a coffee for myself while I wait.

How am I going to say this? 

I rapidly bounce my leg as I think of the possible scenarios and outcomes. I could be totally blunt about it, but I'm way too nice for that. After a few minutes, the door opens and I wave at him.

He catches me and walks over with a sweet smile. "Hi, Riley."

"Hey, Lucas," I smile.

"So, what's up?"

"Um, I don't know how to say this," I slowly tell him.

He nervously laughs. "What is it?"

"We should break up."

Maybe I'm not as nice as I thought.

He raises his eyebrows and hesitantly nods. "Okay."

I blink. "That's it?"

"Honestly, I was gonna say the same thing, but I didn't know when the time was right."

"Wait, really?"

He chuckles. "Yeah, I think we'd be better off as friends, right? Our relationship feels...forced a little."

"Yeah," I nod and smile. "So, friends?"

"Of course," he grins. "Why exactly are you breaking up with me? I mean, who could resist my perfect smile and...perfect everything, really."

I roll my eyes and laugh. "I thought that if I stayed with you, my feelings for someone else would go away...and I know that's selfish, rude, and just terrible, but I didn't know any better. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Riley. So who do you like?"

"Uh...Maya."

His eyes go wide. "Wait, seriously?"

"Yep."

He leans back against the chair. "So that's why you're not drooling over my godly looks."

I laugh and shove him. "Whatever."

"Are you gonna tell her?"

"I don't know if she even wants to see me, but I guess I have to tell her. I can't stand being away from her."

"Well, go tell her now."

"Right now?"

"Right now," he laughs and stands up. "Don't waste time with me when you could be with her."

"Thank you, Lucas," I smile and kiss his cheek. "Sorry for everything."

"Hey, it's okay. I don't like you romantically, and you don't like me. It's mutual and being friends with you is more than enough. See you around, yeah?"

I wave and walk out of the bakery. 

I go home and sit at the bay window, contemplating if I should tell her to come over. My nerves start going crazy and I bounce my leg as I get my phone out.

Riley: maya can we talk

Riley: i'm sorry for everything can u please come over

I stare at my phone, anxiously waiting for it to buzz with a reply from her.

Maya: busy

I bite my lip and sigh.

I'm not sure if that's an excuse or if she's actually busy. Either way, she probably doesn't want to see me and I feel my heart ache. I shouldn't have texted or even tried to talk to her. 

I get up and go into the living room where Auggie was watching TV.

"Hey, Riley!"

I mumble a greeting and sit next to him.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

I must look like a depressed mess if he can tell something's wrong.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He leans his head against my shoulder and I smile. I sit with him and watch his silly kid's show for an hour until I get bored.

Mom and Dad walk downstairs all dressed up. 

"Where are you going?" I ask curiously.

"We're going out for dinner," Dad beams. "Auggie, you wanna go to Ava's?"

He stands up immediately and his face lights up. 

Ava and Auggie have been together for 52 years. Honestly, Ava scares me sometimes, but I love her as much as I love Auggie. Their relationship is going to last forever.

I ruffle his hair and say bye to the three of them as they leave the house. 

Normally when no one's home, Maya would come over and keep me company. Now that we aren't on good terms, I'm alone in this boring house. I lazily walk around and stare at the pictures of Mom and Dad, smiling. They look so happy. I'm never going to be as happy as them.

I find a picture of me and Maya from 7th grade and feel my heart hurt. I miss her so much. I'd do anything to turn back the time and fix us. But I can't, and I'm going to have to deal with the fact that she can't even look at me. I completely understand, but it hurts.

I go into my room and look at the guitar she gave to me. It was her grandmother's and she gave it to me of all people. I can't play it, but I smile to myself as I remember the cute little song she sang that day.

I hear a knock on the window and jump back.

Oh shit, oh shit.

I hesitantly go to the bay window and open it, seeing her face that I've missed so much.

"Hi, Maya," I softly say as she sits down.

"Hey, Riles," she says. 

I look at her lips as they curve into a small smile. I end up staring a bit too long because she furrows her eyebrows. I shake my head out of it and look into her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Maya. I'm the worst person ever. I pushed everyone away just for some stupid guy who I don't even like, and I ruined our friendship. I don't know why I kept pushing you away, I was just scared of losing you. That makes no sense because what I did was literally push you away but I wasn't thinking, okay? I hurt you and I'm awful for doing that. Do you still hate me?"

She raises her eyebrows and hesitates. "I could never hate you. Riles, you'll never lose me, okay? I'm sorry, too. I'm just as confused as you. But, why were you with Lucas if you didn't like him?"

"I thought he would make me forget about you," I whisper. "You make me feel things that I didn't think that I was capable of feeling, and I didn't know what to do about it."

"So you weren't happy with him? Then why'd you say you were?"

"I don't know, okay?" I sigh. "The only person that makes me happy is you, Maya."

"I make you happy?"

"Of course, you make me happy," I lightly laugh. "While I was with him, all I could think about..."

"What?"

"All I could think about was how much I wanted to be with you."

She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Instead, she smiles and leans against my shoulder.

"Please tell me we're okay now?"

"We're okay, Riles."

"Okay," I quietly say and smile as she kisses my hand.

"Things are changing, Riley. But I want you to know that my world, it needs you in it. Promise me that we'll always be together?"

"We'll always be together, Peaches."