"Ouch! Jeez, can you watch where you're going?" Sander mutters a profanity under his breath before turning around and realizing that it's me. His face drops. I thought that he couldn't be any more irritated than when I bumped into him, but now he's seething with a rage that could most assuredly burn me alive.
"Please, don't go," I manage a yelp. "We can't leave things the way they are. I'm asking you to hear me out just one more time. If you feel nothing, then leave. But if you feel even the slightest inkling of a spark reigniting in your soul, stay."
"Fine," he agrees, not bothering to put up any more resistance. A rush of relief floods into me because although this is my last shot, I'm going to make it count. And even if it doesn't work, I'll have known that I tried my best and went out with a bang. Except, the more I think about it, the less convinced I feel. Because deep down, I know that if this doesn't work, there's no way I'm going to make it out both alive and intact. I don't know how I'm ever going to forgive myself for losing my one true love. There was a before Sander and a during Sander. I can't even think about an after Sander, let alone live in a universe where that possibility exists.
I make my way to the library; my safe haven. I keep a watchful gaze on him and only relax when I can sense him trailing closely behind me. We go to the back and sit on two bean bags that have been positioned in a way that forces us into close proximity. A ping pong of trepidation bounces back and forth between my chest. Plit, plat. Plit, plat. If I extend my leg three inches further, I'll be able to touch him. Somehow, I find myself resisting that temptation. I can't push my luck. One wrong move and it's game over.
"You have five minutes," he warns, eyeing his watch.
"I'm not ashamed of you," I suck in a searing breath. "Every day without you is hell for me. I destroyed myself piece by piece until I had almost nothing left to live for. I've been swallowed up in my own pain and misery but you're the only reason I kept going. I'm in love with you. It's as simple as that." There is so much more I want to say, except my brain goes numb with memories that are too agonizing to remember, yet too blissful to forget.
"I love you too, Nicolas. A part of me will always love you. Which is why you should let me go. It's easier that way."
"No, don't say that. I know you've moved on, but I have not and never will. So I'm going to give you this..." I reach into my pocket and pull out the very thing that has both destroyed and saved me: the gold Rolex. I carefully adjust it onto his wrist, lingering my fingers long enough to feel his soft skin. When it fits perfectly, he looks up at me with glittery eyes.
"I never moved on," he says abruptly.
"What?"
"You said that I moved on, but I didn't. Kaiden wasn't using me because I never had any feelings for him whatsoever. I only needed him to mend my broken heart." His words sink in, causing a ripple to slide down my neck. Sander never liked Kaiden. It was pretend, just like Brynleigh and I. Before I can register what I'm doing, I pull him in for a hug. A much needed one, if I may add. I was fretting over nothing. I was fighting against something that was never there, something that was invisible.
I reach to plant the lightest kiss on his neck, which does more harm than good. It causes a chain reaction that makes me remember. I recollect his burning kisses, picturing them with such vivacity that I half-believe they're real. That mesmerizing, spiraling feeling of him pressing his lips from my shoulders to my collarbone to my pectorals. Like drowning upwards. Like floating.
I want Sander—his voice, his absolute tenderness, his never-ceasing sense of humor, his affection, his intensity. His highs. His lows. His honest emotions that shine through brighter than any star could. It's at this moment that I feel proud. Proud of him. Of us. Wholly, undeniably, proud. Because he is perfect. And we're lucky enough to exist at the same time on the same planet. And I found him.
"I'm never ever leaving you again," I whisper faintly. "I payed out the rest of your high school tuition along with your sister's in order for you guys to live in a dorm too, like the rest of us. And you're staying in not just any dorm, but mine. I'm ready to tell the world, Sander," I announce with pride. I've ultimately come out of the shell that's been holding me back and I'm not hiding anymore. Because what's there to hide? He's perfect and the entire planet should know that too.
"Wow. You did all of that... for me?" The coldness that was once there evaporates, leaving nothing but admiration tingling in his eyes. The ice around his body melts into molten lava. And, for the first time in forever, the eggshells that I had once walked upon become the softest flowers to ever exist. And that's when I realize that everything will be okay. That I'm okay. That we're okay.
"For you? Oh, I'd do anything for you. Come with me to the movie theaters on Friday. I have something to show you."
"Okay. It's a date!" He beams with a brightness that would even blind the sun. We find ourselves locked in another snug embrace, one that lasts for an interminably long second.
"I abandoned you," admission pours through my veins, taking in the guilt and ripping it apart. "I was a fool for thinking I would survive without you."
"You had a right to be scared. I shouldn't have left you to deal with it all alone." His fingers press against the base of my skull, sending burning timbers up my spine.
"I couldn't face it so I tried to get away from it. I ran and ran and ran, but all that running was for nothing because it still bit me in the back. I was a coward."
"So was I. Don't put the blame on yourself. I should've been more understanding. I should've put myself in your shoes because if I did, I think I would've done the same thing. I was selfish and irrationally mad at you. At that moment, I could only think about myself. I never thought it was possible for us to have a future. Not until now. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too." I breathe, soaking in his words like water on paper. We cling onto each other as our apologies turn into absolution and our ruefulness turns into craving. When we eventually let go, we know that this is the resumption of something remarkable, something everyone spends their whole lives chasing after.
This evening is the first time in forever that I feel truly, indubitably, happy. I was worried that being in a relationship would add to my responsibilities. That's one of the reasons I've avoided in the past. I already had enough on my platter, and seeing the amount of commitment that was to be sacrificed, I wanted no part in that. But after today, I realized that maybe people are just doing it wrong. Maybe they just haven't learned how to do it right, or maybe they're forcing themselves to be with someone whom they have no chemistry with. What's happening with Sander doesn't feel like a chore. It's not even close. It feels like a reward, like the dessert I divulge after a hard day's work. And every night, I'll fall asleep wondering what on Earth I did to deserve this.
Friday creeps up on me sooner than expected. There is still some unfinished business that needs to be addressed, which is why I find myself face-to-face with my former arch-nemesis: Lyle. I can't believe it. If you would have told me one month ago that I'd be inviting Lyle to the movies, I would have laughed in your face. Yet, now I feel like this isn't something I want to do, but something I need to do.
"Sup, Nickelodeon. To what do I owe you the pleasure?" Lyle muses in a sing-songy tone. You'd think he'd let go of these ridiculous nicknames, but nope, he's sticking to them for no purpose other than to rile me. Annoying as they are, I've gotten used to them. It's a compromise I'd make a hundred times out of a hundred.
"Hey, Lyle. So um, I'm inviting all my friends to the movies tonight, and I'm wondering if you'd like to come," I blabber out the words before I have a chance to change my mind.
"Hmm, friends now, are we? Why, I'd be delighted to grace you with my presence," he answers in a slightly more upbeat manner than usual. I guess I'm not the only one in an especially good mood today. After everything he's been through, I'm happy for him. I'm happy that he's happy and doing better than ever. Unfortunately, my temporary jubilation hastily comes to a halt when my train of thought lands on his brother.
"You're coming by yourself right?" I ask, in a panic that I may have accidentally invited the last person I'd put on the guest list.
"Oh, you mean you don't want Kaiden there?" He raises an eyebrow. I nod quickly in hopes that he'll take the hint. "Don't worry, bud. Kaiden's halfway across the country."
"Huh? I could've sworn I saw him earlier this week," I reply, my mind immediately going back to the Tuesday where it seemed as if he was constantly trying to have a staring contest with me. Every time I sneaked a glance back his way, he'd be eyeing me down with icy death stares. To say I was alarmed was an understatement. I spent the rest of the afternoon avoiding him at all costs. Looking back on it, I never saw him again on Wednesday. Or Thursday. Or today.
"He ditched that little school of yours. Rumor has it that the karma has caught up to that boy. I wouldn't put it past him. He's currently with our grandparents who live in a remote suburb in the middle of nowhere. Lucky for you, the chances of running into him are in the negatives," he adds. Heaps of reassurance slide down me like a waterfall, because knowing that he's somewhere far away is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. He can't hurt us anymore.
"That's great," I thank Lyle. "So, I'll see you later then."
"You got it. Toodles." We go our separate ways; him swerving left while I march onwards to my next destination. When I make it to the garden, Aurora and Brynleigh are both already there. They stop their seemingly intense conversation when I approach, plastering their lips with a smile.
"Hi, Nicolas! How's it going?" Aurora greets me with a surprising amount of enthusiasm.
"Hey, Aurora. Hi, Brynleigh. I was wondering if you two would like to come to the local theater at 7 this evening. I'm inviting everyone I know because I kind of have an announcement to make."
"Of course, who could say no to the movies?" Brynleigh cheers, pumping her fists up. I don't know if I missed the memo or something, but people today are extremely happy and I'm going to use that to my full advantage. Maybe it's because it's almost spring. It feels like yesterday was a winter wonderland, whirling with snow, yet that was multiple weeks ago. Time is soaring, whisking me away with every passing second. I promptly fall back into reality, becoming aware that I have no time to waste. With that in mind, I wave goodbye to the girls and return to my dorm. I'm ready to finalize my plans.
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