After hanging up the phone, I feel nothing. I can't feel anything. I remain calm. I don't cry. Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. My brother is dead. He's gone forever. I'll never hear his stupid jokes again. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I look forward to the night because that's when I can sleep. As the days go by, I live for the hours that I rest. Seven precious hours and the cycle continues. And even then, the rest doesn't give the rejuvenating feeling I should feel. The night drawls on me and I fade in and out of sleep. I toss and turn most of the night, unable to put my mind at ease. Yesterday I woke up at two in the morning. The day before that, I woke up at five. I eat the same breakfast every morning. A sandwich with cheese and turkey. Sometimes I skip lunch. Instead, I eat snacks and I am starving when the afternoon comes.

This stress is all too much. One of these days, it will be enough. I'm always on the verge of tears, on the verge of collapsing. I think to myself, I might as well give up because there's no hope for me in this world. This cruel and unforgiving universe. My time is running out. The consequence of not getting enough sleep is being tired. I yawn too many times a day to count, and I want to lie in my bed all day. There's no more energy left inside of me. I am a walking corpse. I feel like every shred of possibility, of hope, is being ripped out of my soul. My brother is dead, so what's there to live for?

Today is the funeral. I am welcomed by a decrepit yet elegant chapel, with ivy drooping over the walls. All I can hear is the heavy, pounding feet of others, gathering around me. Hands are clenched together, gripping one another as though the pain will subside if squeezed hard enough. Staring at them, the only thing I feel is anger. I'm angry at the world for taking Hector away. I'm angry at the people for coming here. They will never know Hector the way that I do. As the band begins to play, and the coffin starts to fall, emptiness encompasses me. I feel like all eyes are on me. Everyone is watching me like a hawk, studying every move I make. I know that's not true, but I can't help but think that way. I'm now the crown prince. 

I can vividly hear my aunt let out cries in the distance, which only makes the environment even more overwhelming. My phone vibrates with text messages from Sander, but I don't bother to answer them. I can't right now. It's too much for me to handle. There's somber music playing and prayers. A group of my relatives approach me to ask how I'm holding up. 

"I'm fine." I tell them, but they aren't convinced. I realize I forgot to smile, so I do it belatedly, but my lips feel like plastic. As they're talking, I hear words but not sentences. I can hear them discussing, and I hear myself asking questions here and there, but it all feels like it's from a distance. It doesn't feel real. None of this feels real. It's all like a dream, or a nightmare rather. My fingers trace the cold wood of the coffin. This is my fault. I blame myself. It should've been me instead of him. If I hadn't of stayed here, none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have driven down the road because he would've been waiting for me. He would've been waiting for me to arrive so that we could hang out like the old times. Unfortunately, I can't reverse time. One way or another, I will have to move through this.

Once the funeral is over, an impalpable thread breaks in my heart. A thread that was piecing me together. I go by my days staring blankly into space, thinking about nothing. I am an avalanche of melancholy. A stream of rage. I'm starting school today again. Thankfully, they were considerate enough to give me two weeks off, but those two weeks flew by in a second. I don't think I'll ever be ready to face this place again, but I have to. I have to finish my education because that's the right thing to do, and that's what Hector would want.

"Welcome back," Miss Charlemagne warmly greets me. "I don't know how you feel, but just know that I am here to help in any way I can."

"Thanks," I reply before climbing the stairs to my dorm. I settle down my things and head back down. As a walk into the chapel, faces turn around and the noisy bustle of chit chat comes to a stop. Eyes turn inwards, blinking several times and scanning me over. Juliano emerges from the huddle of teens to embrace me in a giant bear hug, which I graciously accept. I'm glad that we patched things up because he always finds a way to comfort me and make me feel safe. I've felt at home here this past month, and in a way, it's thanks to him. 

"Man, I'm so glad your back. We missed you at soccer practice," he tells me.

"Thank you, Juliano. For always being there for me." I release myself from his arms and sit down beside him, just in time for the choir to commence. An inordinate feeling of déjà vu strikes me as I gaze at Sander singing, his eyes meticulously drifting towards mine. Once again, his voice is the only one I hear. Tears swell in my eyes and I blink them away before anyone can notice. I don't even know why I'm tearing up at this, but there's so much emotion in his voice that it truly touches my heart. The notes fade out beautifully, and I am in awe at how vulnerable music can make people feel. After they finish, I am asked to make a speech regarding the death of my brother. Among the crowd, I spot Juliano, who gives me a reassuring nod. I stand up as eyes trace me to the podium, where I let my heart carry the talking.

"Hector was everything I wanted to be. He was tall, smart, strong, handsome, and most importantly, the best brother I could ask for. Life changes. Radically. One second, you're having the night of your life at a party, and the next, your world is flipped upside down. Memories however, they last forever. And for that, I am eternally grateful to have shared such momentous moments within the short period of time I was with him. It was the two of us against the world. I leaned on him for everything, and he would always have my back. 

He carried around my burden as though it was his, and always put me first, no matter what. As I turned the pages of our lives, I realized how much he made an impact on me. He is my role model. I've always looked up to him, and I still will, just in another way. He is my rock. My comfort. He brings light in the darkness. He saved me. Thank you, Hector, for being my brother. For maintaining dignity, duty and decency: a combination of qualities that only you have truly mastered. I will honour his legacy and make him proud. I will finish what he started. Thank you."

I swallow hard. The room falls silent as they take in my words. Then, slowly, a round of applause begins, until everyone gets up from their chairs and erupt into a standing ovation. Wow. I just did that. As people start leaving, they congratulate me for giving such a heartful speech, and I feel a sense of relief flow through my stomach. If by chance, he's up in the sky watching me, I hope I did him justice. Long after everyone cleared out the church, I go find Sander. He's sitting at the end of the bench in the dining hall when I approach him. He seems apprehensive, like he's a little lost in his thoughts. 

"Hi," I say. He jumps up, startled, but then recognizes me and relaxes.

"Hi," he responds in a voice that's softer than usual. "So, um... how have you been?"

"Good," I nod. "I've been better, at least."
    "That's good. Did you get any of my texts?"

"Yeah. I did. I was meaning to text you back but..."

"It's fine," he shrugs. "I get it." He's about to say something else, but I touch his arm and he stops. He's looking at me with those earnest eyes of his and I sigh.

"Look. I think we need a break... from each other. There's nothing wrong with you, but I just need time. There are some things I need to figure out, and I need to do it alone. I want you to delete all our messages. I'm sorry, Sander," I let my words fall while I stroke his arm. His body freezes at the sound of his name. He doesn't say anything, and I don't expect him to. There's a look of yearning when he stares at me, and it's breaking my heart to do this to him, but I know he's better off without me. I'm a mess after all, and it's for his own good. If I didn't break it off, I would've end up hurting him, just like everyone else I've touched. This is for the better. Even if I don't fully believe that, I convince myself so.

"I guess this is goodbye," I break the silence by grabbing my jacket. He looks down and murmurs something that I can't hear. I feel like I've been punched by the face, but this had to be done. With one last wave, I exit the room. When I cannonball back into my bed, I think about everything that's happened. I think about all the choices I had to make to get here, and my mind wanders back to that night when we kissed. Do I regret it? No. Was it the right decision? Maybe. My breathing quickens as I start imagining all the scenarios in which something else could have happened, and all the universes where something else did happen. 

We kissed. Three times. One's a chance. Two's a coincidence. But three is a pattern. What am I supposed to do now? I need air. I rush out my room and walk down the hallway, frantically pacing back and forth. I like him. He's a boy. I like a boy! If I was any other person, I would run back to him and plant the biggest kiss on his lips. However, I am the prince. I am not normal. I will never be looked at in the same way as everyone else. The fear of getting caught is not worth it. If people found out, I would be ostracized from society and excluded from my family. I can't risk that. 

I continue down the corridors, unsure where I'm going. The distinct murmur of the other students breezes by, and I hear Brynleigh calling me from the corner of the hallway. 

"Nicolas! You look like you could use a break. Why don't you hang out with me and Aurora?" she beams.

"Yeah, sure," I reply while following her into her dorm room. I hadn't anticipated to talk with Aurora since the dinner, and by the astonished look on her face, neither did she.

"Um, can I talk to you alone, Nicolas?" Aurora says as she turns around to face me.

"Of course, although I don't see why I can't be here too. I thought we agreed on no secrets, but I guess you have something important to discuss. Anyways, I'll leave you two be," Brynleigh's voice trails off, shutting the door behind her.

"I'm sorry about the other evening," I stammer an apology. She's been either unintentionally or purposefully avoiding me for weeks and the least I could do was say sorry.

"It's fine. I was initially infuriated that my feelings for you were not reciprocated, but then I realized that you can't choose the ones you love. It was silly of me to do what I did. Although it still stings, I'm over it. Can we please just forget all of this happened? That's all I ask," she tells me.

"Yes, I missed you so much! Those days without you were like torture. Don't ever disappear on me again."

"I missed you too," she grips me into a tight hug and at this very moment, all I can think about is how thankful I am to have her back. Once we pull apart, Aurora opens the door to find a bored Brynleigh come running in.

"Finally, I'm allowed back in my own dorm! I need to get back to my daily rituals. Speaking of which, would you two ever so kindly like to join me in an energy cleansing exercise?" she exclaims enthusiastically.

"I don't know what that means, but okay," I answer.

"Alright. Repeat after me," she rubs her hands together. "Negative energy, I ban thee."

"Negative energy, I ban thee," we say in synchronization. Brynleigh lights a candle, which she claims is supposed to keep the bad spirits away. There's a wide smile on my face because, after all that has happened, this was a well-needed break. By the time I return to my room, I feel much better. Dorothy, one of the cleaners, is waiting for me with an envelope in one hand.

"Hello, Prince Nicolas. It's good to see you. I was just stopping by when your cousin Juliano asked me to give this to you. Here," she says, handing me the letter.

"Thanks, Dorothy. Do you have any idea what this is about?"

"I was given no information and am solely a messenger. So, I have no clue what's inside, but I'll leave you to read that on your own." She strides down the aisle and towards the stairs. Once I'm alone again, I sit down on my chair and delicately tear open the envelope. The piece of paper that I pull out is thick, with golden swirls wrapping around the border. My eyes scan the cursive ink.

My dearest Nicolas,

We request the pleasure of your company by inviting you to the Force, an organization created to protect the royal family. We are meeting at midnight tonight at the Aquarine cabin, and we would be honoured to have you join us.

Sincerely, Juliano.