I'm married now. But when I look back at my life and some of the pressures I faced, men had a lot to do with it. There were plenty of moments in my life where I had a crush, or a colleague, or a schoolmate or someone that took up all my attention at that given moment. I know now, that I craved connection, intimacy, and love. Although I didn't know, or rather accept it then, I liked the attention of men. But I equally feared it, when it came to thinking about getting married, and made me uncomfortable at times.

But if only I had someone and was married, I wouldn't have to feel this way, I used to think.

And to some extent, that was true. I don't feel the same butterflies in my stomach walking past men my age, that I used to feel when I was single. Although I still enjoy male attention, the power of it has lessened. I'll forget about an interaction quite quickly after, whereas before I'd mull over it for days, weeks, even months and years.

Making such a big commitment to another human has helped me, because it reminds me that I have got what I truly needed, by God. I have my person. I don't need to feel anxious around men anymore. I don't need to win them over, or overthink about what they say or do, because I don't need a relationship with any of them anymore romantically.

I have my person.

What I didn't realize though, was how marriage wasn't perfect. And that I would still continue to feel a range of emotions after getting married. Which included anxiety, fear, worry, discomfort, loneliness, overwhelmed, and more.

And it's not because I married the wrong person, it's because life is not perfect. As we get older, regardless if we're married, we face more and more situations that test us. And it's really not all fun, games and happiness. Like when you disagree with your partner about something, and you feel they're being absolutely unreasonable. And if affects your life. You're here, asking them to be a little more mindful about their purchases, but they disagree and think what's life if we don't spend what we earn? And you're adjusting to that, trying to learn how to compromise and it feels uncomfortable. And mean words might get exchanged. And then you're arguing about something even worse, like how they treated you in front of others. Or how they shut you out when they were angry. And then you start to feel lonely at times. 

And suddenly you're alone in bed, because they're staying up in the other room...or maybe they aren't home yet from seeing family or friends. And you feel the same urges start to rise again. And you're thinking where and how and why have these feelings returned?

And it could be, that your body wants to rid you of pain.

And it knows an effective way of doing that.

Except it's short term. And this time you're married, so it feels 10x worse to be engaging in that behaviour. But when it's the heat of the moment, you find yourself making the same mistake you vowed you'd never make once you were married.

And in a matter of moments, it's over. And the same familiar guilt washes over you. Except this time you feel absolutely disgusting.

Hastily deleting your history, you think about what it would be like if they were to find out. And the thought absolutely scares you. And you vow to never do it again.

But then you're alone again. For whatever reason. You're sleeping over at your family's place and he couldn't come because of work. Or, he's on a business trip, so you're alone in bed again. Or, he's just simply not back from work. And you're stressed out, because something happened at work. Or something happened with family. Or you just feel like you're not the person you want to be, and you're empty and don't understand why.

And what happens then?

Remember, it's who and what you do when you're alone, when Allah swt. is the only one that is watching you, that tells you about your true character.

I don't share any of this make you feel guilty or scared. Just because it was my experience it does not mean it will be yours. In fact I pray it won't be yours, because I hope you have more self awareness than me. And you are prepared. Because I was always told, that once you were married you would never deal with urges to watch porn again. But it was wrong.

I mean, years of conditioning yourself with a certain coping mechanism, coupled with adjusting to married life, and learning how to communicate your needs in a healthy manner is difficult.

I didn't communicate with my husband as well as I should have. I was new to being in a relationship, and I didn't understand why he would do things so differently sometimes. Or have such different opinions to me. And I'd feel threatened sometimes, insecure as well and just plainly scared. And I used 'you' statements a lot. I thought it was all his fault.

(Mind you, I'm saying this about someone that I truly believe is my soulmate. So everything I'm mentioning is just the normal sort of conflict and discomfort that can arise in marriage).

Dear sisters, know that marriage isn't going to be the thing that saves you. So please don't wait for it. Anything and everything you do to deal with your addiction pre-marriage, and any progress you make, is absolutely invaluable. Because you're doing it at a time where you don't have an outlet, even a distraction, and a lot more free time to find yourself alone.

It's easier to stay away when you share a space with someone else, especially a husband.

So kudos to you. 

From gaining awareness, to trying different strategies to cope, to strengthening your faith, to making any sort of resolve to take back control of your life, you are doing the right thing. And your future self is going to thank you so so much for it, take it from me.