jeonghan sat at the edge of the bed, his fingers tightly wrapped around joshua’s bracelet. the dim light from the bedside lamp cast a soft glow across the room, but to jeonghan, everything still felt cold and heavy.

he stared down at the bracelet, his thumb slowly running over the familiar beads. he remembered the day joshua had given it to him.

"i made it thinking of you... and my grandfather,"

"fine, fine," joshua had laughed, eyes crinkling as he held up another set of beads. "i was already making this for you, you big baby."

jeonghan’s grip on the bracelet tightened. his heart ached. had joshua really been here last night? he let out a shaky breath, feeling his chest tighten. the bracelet, once a source of comfort, now seemed to burn against his skin.

"do you still care?" he whispered to no one, his voice breaking as the silence swallowed his words.

~~~

meanwhile, joshua stood quietly in the hallway, his hand hovering above the door handle. he'd asked wonwoo earlier if jeonghan was still asleep.

and that’s why joshua was here now,  intending to sneak in quietly, to grab his bracelet, and leave unnoticed. like he said he wasn’t ready to face jeonghan. not yet.

with a deep breath, joshua slowly turned the handle and pushed the door open, stepping inside as quietly as possible. but the moment he entered, he froze.

the eyes he did not want to see, was already displayed in front of him.

jeonghan was staring right at him, eyes heavy with something joshua couldn’t quite read. there was anger, yes, but also sadness... and maybe even hope.

joshua’s heart stopped. he had expected to find jeonghan sleeping, but instead, here he was staring back at him with so much emotion that it felt like the air had been knocked out of his chest.

hundreds of thoughts raced through joshua’s mind. run. just turn around and run. he gripped the doorknob tightly, his knuckles turning white. he swallowed hard, biting the inside of his cheek, trying to decide what to do. even if it could hurt jeonghan more, joshua's sanity is much more important, he cannot handle a confrontatation right now. he decided to run away.

he let go of the handle and took a hesitant step back. but before joshua could slip away, jeonghan’s voice broke the silence.

"why are you here?" his voice was low and sharp, like he was forcing himself to stay calm. his eyes were locked on joshua’s, cold but still soft.

joshua swallowed hard. "i... i was just... looking for something."

jeonghan’s gaze shifted slightly, and that’s when joshua noticed the bracelet still clenched in his hand.

"this?" jeonghan asked, holding it up between his fingers. his head tilted slightly as he looked at joshua, his eyes narrowing.

joshua’s chest tightened. he did not answer.

"is. this. it?" jeonghan says on gritted teeth, calming himself.

joshua could only nod, not taking the tension he feels all over his body.

"why?" jeonghan’s voice was sharper this time, a little more forceful.

"because..." joshua faltered, breathing deeply.  "it does not concern you."

jeonghan let out a quiet, bitter laugh. the kind that wasn’t funny at all. "it does not concern me?" jeonghan repeated, his voice rough and shaking with something between frustration and hurt.

"really? don’t i matter to you anymore? things like this... don’t concern me?" his fingers clenched around the bracelet as if holding it tighter could stop the ache in his chest.

joshua froze. scared that maybe the older could break the bracelet. seconds of silence filled the room. he opened his mouth, ready to speak, ready to lie, to push jeonghan away like he always did. but jeonghan beat him to it.

"don’t," jeonghan said before joshua could answer. his voice shook, but he kept going.

"don’t lie to me. not now." jeonghan’s fingers trembled around the bracelet as frustration began to rise in him. he was tired. tired of waiting, tired of pretending he didn’t care. the weight of everything. the memories, the emotions, the years of longing and waiting, all came crashing down at once.

"i thought... maybe you didn’t care anymore," jeonghan murmured, his voice barely above a whisper.

"but you were here last night, weren’t you?" his eyes locked onto joshua’s face, searching for an answer.

joshua stood there, frozen. he wanted to lie. to tell jeonghan no, to say he didn’t care anymore. it would have been easier that way.

because the truth scared him.

the truth was that joshua cared too much. despite everything. despite jeonghan’s involvement in his tangled mess with the choi family. despite all the possible risks. joshua still cared, and that terrified him.

pushing jeonghan away wasn’t just a way to protect jeonghan. it was a way to protect himself.

joshua is scared of what could happen if he had let the thought come to him. scared that his feelings for jeonghan would grow into something he couldn’t control. scared that if he gave in, he’d lose him completely.

he didn’t know how to love someone like jeonghan without hurting him. and if losing jeonghan’s love now meant keeping him safe keeping him alive, then joshua was willing to take that risk.

he swallowed down the lump in his throat and forced himself to speak.

"it doesn’t matter," joshua muttered. "it’s just a bracelet. nothing more."

but jeonghan shook his head. "no," he said firmly. "not this time." his fingers curled tightly around the bracelet again.

"i’ve spent too long waiting — waiting for you to stop pushing me away, waiting for you to stop running."

he took a step closer. his eyes never leaving joshua’s face, desperate and determined all at once.

"i’m done waiting." jeonghan’s voice was rough, like he was holding back everything he wanted to say. keeping everything he’d been keeping inside for too long.

joshua’s breath hitched, as he other gets closer to him. he leaned his side to the wall, needing supoort because the tension and emotions were unbearable.

"i’ll do whatever it takes," jeonghan said, his voice low and steady.

"i won’t let you go away again. not this time." he wasn’t asking. it wasn’t a plea. it was a promise. a demand. a threat.

joshua didn’t know what to say. the walls he’d built so carefully were crumbling, and all he could do was stand there, unable to move.

and for the first time in a long time, jeonghan finally believed. believed that no matter how far joshua tried to run, there was still a part of him that cared.

because if he didn’t... he wouldn’t have come back at all.

shoving the bracelet into his coat pocket, jeonghan grabbed joshua’s face with both hands, his slender fingers pressing firmly against his cheeks. and before joshua could say anything, jeonghan crashed his lips against his. 

the kiss was rough — desperate, like jeonghan had been holding it back for far too long and couldn’t stand it anymore. his lips moved urgently, almost bruising, pouring every ounce of frustration, longing, and unspoken feelings into it. joshua’s eyes widened in shock, his body freezing as the warmth of jeonghan’s mouth overwhelmed him.

his hands instinctively shot up, pressing flat against jeonghan’s chest. he tried to push him away, fingers digging into the fabric of jeonghan’s shirt. but jeonghan wouldn’t budge. he was strong. stronger than joshua remembered, and he wasn’t letting go.

but the worst part was that joshua was kissing him back. 

his body betrayed him. no matter how much his mind screamed at him to stop, his lips moved in sync with jeonghan’s. his chest tightened, and his heart pounded so loudly he thought jeonghan might hear it. his emotions, the ones he had buried so deeply were dragging him under, drowning him in a whirlwind of feelings he wasn’t ready to face. 

joshua’s breaths grew shaky, and his hands trembled against jeonghan’s chest. he pushed harder, but jeonghan caught his wrists and shoved them above their heads, pinning them firmly against the wall. jeonghan’s fingers curled tightly around his wrists, holding him in place. 

“stop,” joshua gasped between kisses, his voice barely more than a whisper.

“jeonghan, stop.” but his body wasn’t convincing. his lips still moved against jeonghan’s, his fingers twitching in his grip. 

jeonghan’s breath was ragged as he pulled back just enough to speak, his lips still brushing against joshua’s. 

“no,” jeonghan said firmly, his voice low and rough. 

“jeonghan, please.” joshua pleads looking at him. jeonghan's eyes burned with something raw. a mix of anger, heartbreak, and something else he couldn’t name. 

“you’re lying to me,” jeonghan said, his fingers tightening around joshua’s wrists.

“you keep pushing me away, but you don’t want me to go." joshua swallowed hard, his eyes flickering away. 

“i have to,” he mumbled.

“i have to push you away.” jeonghan shook his head, stepping closer, their bodies almost flush together. 

“why?” jeonghan demanded.

“why can’t you just let me stay?” joshua squeezed his eyes shut. 

because if i let you stay... i'll lose you. 

if i let you stay... i'll love you. 

his thoughts swirled in chaos, memories of jeonghan flooding back. his smile, his laugh, the way he always knew what to say to calm him down. the warmth that came with jeonghan’s presence. the way joshua felt like he could breathe easier when jeonghan was beside him. 

and that’s what terrified him the most. 

“because you’ll get hurt,” joshua whispered, his voice cracking. “if you stay... if you get too close... they’ll use you against me. i can’t... i can’t risk that.” 

“you don’t get to decide that,” jeonghan shot back. 

“you don’t get to decide for my safety. what matters most is you.” his grip on joshua’s wrists loosened, but he didn’t let go. 

“i’m not leaving,” jeonghan said, his voice softer now.

“not this time.” and before joshua could protest, jeonghan kissed him again. slower this time, but still fir and desperate. 

and this time, joshua didn’t fight it. 

he gave in, to the warmth of jeonghan’s mouth, to the way his body seemed to melt into him. to the feelings he had spent so long trying to bury. 

because deep down, no matter how much he tried to deny it... 

he wanted jeonghan.