happenings on jeonghan's side.

he tried. he tried his very best to control himself. to not lash out. to not show his anger in a way that would scare the other. he tried so hard, and he did it for him. he knows that above all else, he cares more about what the younger thinks of him.

leaving the hospital room defeated and heartbroken, the mafia leader's legs gave out as soon as he arrived beside his car. there were no tears in his eyes, but his heart bled. jeonghan sat on the ground, leaning his back against the car as he lit a cigarette. he closed his eyes, inhaling deeply to calm his nerves.

for the past three days, since the lawyer was hospitalized, jeonghan could not sleep. every day, the peaceful face of joshua haunted him. not the kind of peace that brings relief after chaos, but the kind that signifies an end. joshua’s peaceful expression was one of finality, of death. since he began having those dreams, jeonghan told himself he would never leave joshua’s side again, no matter the circumstances. he promised himself to be there for him.

but to be coldly pushed aside after everything he had done, after everything they had been through, was not what jeonghan imagined when joshua woke up. he should have known better. he should have never expected anything from joshua. the man knew the power he held over him, and yet, he used it so mercilessly.

how could joshua act so coldly? after everything that had happened to him? jeonghan was hanging by a thread during the days when joshua was unconscious in that hospital bed. the endless thoughts drove him mad, to the point that he had urges torture choi jae ha to deat, and he gladly let himself handle those urges.

"tell me!" the mafia leader’s voice echoed through the basement. his dark eyes burned with fury as he gaze over the trembling man in front of him.

"i don’t know! i swear i don’t know anything!" choi jae ha stammered, his voice shaking as much as his bloodied body. the wounds on his face, his hands, his legs, most off it were fresh, oozing, it became a testament to jeonghan’s rage.

"i only meant to harm you. i didn’t even know hong joshua’s whereabouts. i wasn’t interested in him! i only wanted to scare you!"

jeonghan’s jaw tightened as he glared at the man. "and why would you feel the need to scare me?" his voice was dangerously low now.

"because i found out who you are!" choi jae ha confessed, desperation pouring out of him.

"i thought if i could scare you a bit, show you what i could do, you might... you might be impressed. i hoped you’d see me as an ally, that we could work together. i never meant to harm hong joshua. he doesn’t even matter to me!"

"liar!" jeonghan roared, his fist clenched, ready to strike again.

"he’s telling the truth, jeonghan-ah," a voice interrupted. hong tae ji stepped into the room, his presence commanding yet calm.

"i investigated it already. he’s innocent. joshua’s accident had nothing to do with him."

jeonghan froze mid-strike, his fist hovering over choi jae ha’s bruised face. he turned to. hong tae ji, his expression unreadable. slowly, he lowered his hand, stepping back.

as he sat by his car, the memories came flooding back. sometimes, he wondered how his father had done it all. how he had led the mafia, how he had kept his emotions in check. jeonghan couldn’t fathom it. his father was cold, calculating, emotionless. jeonghan, on the other hand, was full of emotions, too full that it consumed him, tore him apart.

he hated how much joshua’s words hurt him. all he wanted was a sign, an assurance that everything would be okay, that they could move past this. but joshua… he didn’t care.

"jeonghan hyung," a soft voice broke through his thoughts. he looked up to see dokyeom standing in front of him, his expression pained, tears brimming in his eyes.

"what happened between you two?" the younger asked tentatively.

jeonghan shook his head, his gaze dropping to the ground. "he told me… he told me i shouldn’t care if he dies or not. i shouldn’t care..."

dokyeom’s voice cracked as he spoke. "why… why would he say that? hyung, i…"

"dokyeom-ah," jeonghan cut him off with a hollow chuckle, though there was no joy in his voice or his eyes.

"let’s just follow him. he’s the boss, after all."

"but hyung…"

"come on," jeonghan said, standing up. "we have something to take care of."

•

•

•

"aren't you rushing this? like you said, it’s a death wish. it’s not like he’s dead, jeonghan-ah." wonwoo says, his tone firm yet careful. he knew better than to challenge the mafia leader, but he need to says his opinions about the matter. 

jeonghan leaned back in his chair, his fingers tapping against the desk in a steady rhythm. his gaze was distant, his mind running. although he had told joshua that he had already let choi seunghcheol, lee jihoon and boo seungkwan into the mafia, the truth was he hadn’t. not completely. and though at the end of the day he was the sole decision-maker, he felt the need to inform wonwoo about the matter.

"i’m not rushing." jeonghan’s voice was low but it was laced with tone that left no room for doubt.

"joshua isn’t dead yet, yes and he won’t be. not while i’m still breathing."

wonwoo furrowed his brows, not entirely convinced. "then why the urgency? this could go sideways if we’re not prepared. bringing them in now could—"

jeonghan cut him off with a raised hand. "this isn’t about urgency. it’s about protection." he paused, his voice softening as if confessing something deeply personal.

"i don’t want him to die before me, wonwoo-yah i can’t... i won’t live in a world where he’s not around. so, no, this isn’t about rushing. it’s about making sure that doesn’t happen."

his words hung heavy in the air, filling the room with an unspoken tension. for the first time, wonwoo could see past jeonghan’s cold exterior. he wasn’t just a mafia leader making calculated moves, he was a man protecting the one thing that kept him sane.

"the people he listed," jeonghan continued, his tone sharper now, "they’re not just here to fight alongside the group. their sole purpose in the mafia is to protect hong joshua at all costs. and that protection can only happen if they were to be trained by us."

wonwoo hesitated, his mind racing to find a counterargument; but what could he say? jeonghan’s reasoning wasn’t entirely wrong. it was just... personal. too personal for someone like him.

"you’re putting a lot of faith in people you haven’t even met yet," wonwoo said cautiously.

"i have to," jeonghan replied without missing a beat. "because if i don’t, who will? you? minghao? none of you understand what it means to have someone like joshua in your life. he’s not just important to me. he’s everything to me wonwoo-yah."

silence fell between them, wonwoo sighed, finally nodding. "fine. but if this backfires..."

"it won’t. joshua trusts them, then it means that they can be trusted." jeonghan said firmly, standing up from his seat.

"minghao will bring them to the camp, and i expect all of you to train them properly before the evaluation begins. no exceptions."

"but what if they could not be trusted and only fooled hong joshua?" wonwoo asked, testing the waters one last time.

jeonghan’s gaze darkened, his jaw tightening. "then they’ll never see the light of day again."

with that, the conversation was over. jeonghan dismissed wonwoo with a simple wave of his hand, his mind already moving to the next step in his plan. he didn’t care what anyone thought of his decision. this wasn’t about the mafia or power plays. this was about joshua. and jeonghan would burn the whole world down before he let anything happen to him.

•

•

•

"will you be fetching them alone?" joshua's voice was soft, almost hesitant, as though he was testing the waters. is expecting for dokyeom or me to come?

as he hear that, minghao and jeonghan made eye contact. the leader immediately nodding his head in response, his jaw tightening as he forced himself to stay composed.

"yes," minghao answered.

jeonghan's eyes followed joshua’s every movement, lingering on the younger man’s freshly cut hair. it suits him well, it was shorter, cleaner, but it only seemed to highlight the exhaustion visible into his face. the sleepless nights were evident in the dullness of his usually bright eyes.

joshua looked so serious, so burdened, and it made jeonghan’s chest ache. he swallowed the lump in his throat, his jaw tightening as he fought the urge to walk over there and take the lawyer away. he imagined hoisting him over his shoulder, locking him away somewhere safe, somewhere only he could reach. where joshua would be forced to rely on him, to stop pushing him away, to apologize for every word he let out that stabbed through jeonghan’s heart.

but no. joshua wouldn’t want that. and jeonghan, no matter how much he wanted to claim the man as his and his alone, couldn’t afford to drive him further away.

thus, he watches. watched as joshua leaned into choi seungcheol’s arms, the embrace lasting longer than it should. his fists clenching at his sides, his nails digging into his palms. he envied that closeness, the trust joshua gave so freely to seungcheol. and yet, when it came to him, joshua acted like he was a traffic to be avoided.

“why can’t you just look at me the way you look at them?” jeonghan thought bitterly. “why can’t you see that i would do anything for you?”

he shook his head, forcing himself to focus again as joshua turned to lee jihoon and boo seungkwan. the younger man pulled them into a tight embrace, his head resting against seungkwan’s shoulder. jeonghan’s stomach twisted at the sight.

“why do they get your warmth?” jeonghan thought, his heart pounding in his chest. “why do they get your trust, while i only get your coldness?”

he wanted to look away, but he couldn’t. his eyes were glued to the scene, to every touch, every glance that joshua gave to someone else.

as the van pulled away, joshua waved, his smile showing sadness, eyes glistening with tears. another man came beside the lawyer, patting his head, offering silent comfort, but jeonghan could see how hard the younger man was trying to hold himself together.

from wonwoo's car, jeonghan’s dark eyes remained fixed on joshua, his expression unreadable. but inside, his heart screamed to walk up to him.