"cheol!" joshua jolted awake.

the suddenness of him being awake made him feel the ache at his back. his abdomen in pain and chest rising and falling fast. eyes hurting due to the bright light above him.

where am i?

"you're awake." came a calm voice, breaking through the haze of his confusion. dokyeom sat beside joshua's bed, leaning forward with a reassuring smile.

joshua blinked, trying to focus on his surroundings. at that moment he realized he was in a hospital room, the sterile scent filling his nostrils as he took in the familiar sight of medical equipment and IV drips. memories of the attack flooded back, the pain and fear still fresh in his mind.

"what happened?" joshua croaked, his voice hoarse from disuse.

dokyeom's smile softened, his hand reaching out to gently grasp joshua's. "you were attacked hyung, but you're safe now. you're in the hospital, recovering."

as dokyeom spoke, joshua's memory began to piece together the scenes leading up to his hospitalization. he remembered the ambush, the pain of the injuries, and the desperate struggle for survival.

"how about seungcheol? how is he?" joshua asked, concern evident in his voice.

"he is alright now, hyung," dokyeom replied, handing him a glass of water.

"the doctor said he just needed to rest." the younger added to which the older nodded to. joshua is too occupied with his own thoughts to utter any response. taking a sip of water to soothe his parched throat.

a minute of silence filled the brothers, mouths shut as the youngest read his older brother's expressions and as joshua collects his thoughts. until the older suddenly spoked, "how long has it been?" 

"3 days hyung," dokyeom answered, adjusting the iv drip beside joshua's bed.

"where is jeonghan?" joshua says, looking for the said man trying to find him in the room.

"jeonghan hyung said he needed to handle something, but he will be returning later," dokyeom replied, checking the monitors beside joshua's bed.

"did cheol wake up already? can we go to him?" joshua suddenly asked eagerly, his worry for his friend evident in his tone.

"alright, hyung, but first let me get a doctor and check up on you before we could go," dokyeom replied, heading towards the door to summon the medical staff.

soon, a doctor entered the room, checking joshua's vitals and examining his injuries. after a thorough examination, the doctor reassured joshua that he was well now and just needed to rest for a while longer before being discharged.

"in 2 days you can be discharged, but for today you should just rest and do not move too much so that your wounds would not reopen." the doctor informs them, to which dokyeom nodded to.

"will do, thank you doctor." the younger says as he watches as the doctor leave before turning to face joshua.

"sorry hyung, but let us visit seungcheol hyung tomorrow." dokyeom says ruffling joshua's hair softly, easing him.

"but is he alright? alive?" joshua's worried and fearful expression made dokyeom sighs deeply and worried too for his hyung, the incident have shook him so much.

"yes hyung, the doctor says that he will live, and just like you, he just needed tp rest and heal his wounds." the younger assures, hugging his shua hyung.

as the younger embrace him, joshua could not help but just sit there and not respond to his hug. joshua sits there thinking about what had happened. to cheol and to him.

joshua remembers how cheol closed his eyes, remembers him struggling. his body bloody, eyes out of focus as he tries to stay awake.

he remembers the feeling of pain from the stab wounds. the feeling of losing too much blood. the feeling of just wanting to die. the feeling of sadness from not being able to do what you have to do. joshua felt like his life ended that night. in that incident joshua felt what its like to die.

joshua closes his eyes, still feeling dokyeom's warmth, he doesn't know what to do. what to feel. he wanted to live, but at the same time he's ready to die.

"are you okay hyung? you're shaking" dokyeom looks at him, eyes and tone full of worry.

"i just feel cold." he made an excuse, now returning his embrace, careful to not open his wounds.

truthfully, the memory of blood on cheol keeps on flashing in his head. he is used to seeing blood, he saw much bloodier, but somehow blood on someone he cares about does not sit well together.

what if in the process of getting his revenge from the choi's, joshua not only loses his money and his life, what if he also losses his love ones. seungcheol. seungkwan. jihoon. his father. dokyeom. minghao. yoon jeonghan.

yoon jeonghan

jeonghan

jeonghannie

hannie

joshua closes his eyes once more, imagining jeonghan's body covered in blood. his eyes dull and lifeless, his hair soaked with sweat and blood. he can imaginee.jeonghan's breathing becoming heavy and uncontrollable, his chest rising and falling erratically.

as joshua opens his eyes, he sees jeonghan standing before him, his gaze empty of any emotion.

"jeonghan." joshua tried to say it loudly but his voice was weak that it came out as a whisper. dokyeom and joshua slowly untangle themselves from the hug. the younger immediately feeling the heavy tension between them.

"i'll leave the both of you for now hyung." dokyeom bids goodbye and gets ready to leave.

when dokyeom's body came near jeonghan's, he softly reminds jeonghan that joshua just woke up from the incident. however jeonghan stays quiet, his eyes locked on joshua, his expression unreadable, but joshua can feel the anger exuding from him.

the room feels heavy with unspoken feelings as dokyeom exits, leaving joshua and jeonghan alone to deal with the tension.

"are you okay?" jeonghan starts walking towards his bed but he wasn't coming near him, he stood there inches away from joshua's hospital bed.

as jeonghan walk towards him, joshua can't help but be reminded of his imagination. every step of jeonghan he saw blood dripping from his chest and head. joshua swallow a big lump, his breathing heavy. he closed his eyes once again, preventing himself from imagining worse.

"i'm fine." he opens his eyes, not looking at jeonghan's face. he looks down, trying to calm himself, trying not to breakdown in front of the man.

joshua can't help but want to not let jeonghan join his fight with the choi's. with what had happen with seungcheol, he doesn't think he can take it when that happens to jeonghan. he doesn't think he can survive and move on when he sees his eyes lifeless, his breathing and blood all over him.

"do you have anything to say to me." joshua hears him say, but he still refuses to look at the mafia leader, to scared to cry upon seeing his face.

"i don't have anything to say, at least not to you." he swallows another lump as he says this, still looking down joshua bit his lips after fighting himself.

"really? not even a sorry shua?" shutting his eyes, joshua shakes when he hears jeonghan's voice. his desperate and breathy voice echoing through joshua's eardrums.

struggling to keep it together joshua looks at him in the eye, immediately regretting it when he saw how emotionless jeonghan's face looks like but looking at his eyes, joshua saw different emotions in them, but the strongest he sees is sadness.

"i don't owe you an apology jeonghan, not even an explanation." he says acting cold and distant. trying to make jeonghan leave, he needed him to leave because if not, joshua is afraid he might get jeonghan involved in to his revenge. and when that happens he will surely never forgive himself.

jeonghan has his own fight in the mafia world and he is better of fighting there, rather than with the choi's. he won't ever forgive himself if something happened to jeonghan and it is all because of him. and even if jeonghan survives death, his guilt will eat him alive day by day for making him experience what its like to be on the brink of death.

joshua will not be the reason why jeonghan should be harmed. he will continue the fight, but without jeonghan beside him, just like all these years. like how it has been, without him.

"i killed exactly 23 people to reach you that night. i made a mess that required multiple measure in order for me to not get arrested because i forgot to care about my number one rule just to reach to you."

23? oh my jeonghannie.

"when i reached the hospital, you were losed large amount of blood and i wasn't even sure if you will survive. i was losing my mind, i don't want to lose you, i wanted to be there for you. i imagined my life without you joshua and i don't think i want to continue living when that happens." jeonghan was begging, from his eyes and voice to his nervous hands, joshua can see how much the incident affected the man.

he wanted to reach out to him, to hold his visibly shaking hands, and to embrace him but joshua stops himself. at that moment, what the lawyer could only think about was the bigger incident that could happen if he allows himself to get close to jeonghan. he decided that they are better off seperated.

"i'm sorry you felt that way, but you making a big mess isn't my fault. you were led by your own instinct and i'm sure wonwoo and father can fix whatever you had caused." joshua keeps his cold facade together, intentionally making it seems that he does not care about it.

"it isn't about that joshua!" jeonghan yells at him, making joshua nervous and swallow his saliva.

"can't you understand it? i was worried to death for you. i thought i'm going to lose you. and all i'm asking is for you to tell me that you won't ever do that again." jeonhan shouts in frustration, hand on his head as he express himself.

"do what? leave without informing you? this is my life yoon jeonghan i get to decide what i should do. so if i decided to go get myself killed, i'll do so!!" joshua shouts back at him, his hoarse voice gone because he kept swallowing his saliva.

"do you even hear yourself right now? shua!" jeonghan says in disbelief, his eyes full of sadness.

silence filled the two. joshua tries to mantain eye contact with jeonghan but he can feel himself giving up. his heart is heavy and there is so much thoughts in his head that all leads to jeonghan getting hurt, in all ways he knows how one gets killed.

hannie just please..... leave

"so you intentionally got yourself killed? is that what you are saying? you wanted to die." the older's voice is calmer now, his tone emotionless, and his eyes, joshua cannot see any emotions in them anymore.

"i'm not saying i want to die, all i'm saying is that whether i die or not you should not worry about it. if i die don't take it by heart and if i get hurt don't get youself in trouble for killing civillians."

please listen to me hannie. leave me.

"just kill me then." jeonghan bit his lips as he whispers this.

there is a tear attempting to leave his eye but joshua immediately wiped it. the minutes of silence is so painful for him.

"do whatever you like then. i won't come for you anymore. you won't see me." joshua swallowed hard.

"its great that your alive hong joshua." jeonghan says, his voice deep and without any emotions. he looks at joshua with the disdain look and it made it joshua's heart crumble like house of cards.

he wanted to reach to him as the older turn his back on him but he can't. hhe stopped himself. joshua then can clearly hear his heart breaking and he felt suffocated.

"and by the way..." jeonghan turns to look back at him. "choi seungcheol, lee jihoon and boo seungkwan is already an official member of the shadows."

"wha-what, why? i haven't died yet." his eyebrows furrowed, as if his heavy heart because of jeonghan isn't enough, his three precious friends added to his pain.

why did he even told his father that. he should have just nothing.

jeonghan shrugged, acting like a total stranger to joshua. "your father told me its one of your death wish. and since you intentionally get yourself killed, i figured i should sped up the process. in months or so they will be working for me." he says before closing the door loudly.

the patient tried to stand up and follow jeonghan but his body froze, he can still feel his heart breaking. joshua sat there looking at door hoping the mafia leader to come back.

however half an hour passed but there were no sign of the man. what did he even expect. he wanted for that to happen, he just didn't anticipate the pain he would feel after doing so. now he experiencing two kinds of pain: physically and emotionally.

as he waited for dokyeom to arrived, he gathered his thoughts and mentally scolded and motivated himself.

an hour later dokyeom came back, expression already knowing what had happened, but before his brother could say something, joshua beat him to it.

"discharge me now."

"but hyung you have to wait until your wound is healed enough for you to work." the younger says stopping joshua from standing up.

"you'll do as i say now dokyeom." joshua pushes his arm but the younger is too strong for him.

"shua hyung please, it isn't safe." the younger fights and gently forces him to stay on the bed.

"hong seokmin." joshua calls him in his adopted name. sounding serious and angry at the younger.

seokmin pauses, looking at him as he bites his lips. "i'll ready the papers." he says in defeat. not looking at his older brother's eyes. clearly offended and defeated.

what have you done joshua?