There are days when I wake up

That I don't know what I'm doing here

I barely recognize the pair of eyes staring back at me in the mirror

there was a day that I was free

Not a care that I could see

So good I barely could believe that it was happening

Oh take me back again

I was 16 with an open heart

windows down in a beat up car

When I was dumb and the world was young and she was beautiful

She was beautiful

She was beautiful

How do we end up like this?

Living lives that we don't care about?

Too busy fixing things

On computer screens

While the grass grows green

Me, I'm screaming out

Beautiful ~ Ben Rector 

~

Ashton's POV

 Well, math sucks ass. One, I hate math. Two, Luke and Zayn are in this class. I've been getting scary stares from Zayn and none from Luke. That kind of disappointed me. I have no idea why, I mean, I broke up with him, right? I don't love him, right?

Yeah, you do.

Shut up.

It's true, though. But you'll never get him. You're just Ashton. 

I know. Who would even love me. I'm just Ashton. Ashton Irwin. The one nobody cares about. Nobody could ever love me. I can't keep friends, what made me think I could keep a boyfriend? Especially when it's out of pity. Nobody can love Ashton Irwin, right?

Right. 

Right.

~

I walked to the cafeteria with my head down. It's not like anyone would like looking at me. Doesn't bother me. I don't want to look at those fuckers, either.

Eh, maybe Luke, though.

I really need to stop thinking like that. He never loved me. He just felt sorry for me.

Get that through your fucking head, Ashton! 

I'm trying.

I shook my head to clear away the thoughts but failed miserably. I just let the thoughts wonder through my head. It was mainly voices. Well, voice. Mine. It was my own voice telling me how fat, ugly, and pathetic I was.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around quickly, hoping that it wasn't Zayn. Lucky for me, it was just Luke. Well, lucky for me and not lucky for me.

"Want an oreo?" He asked me. He's still going with this? Get it through your head, boy. I don't want no goddamn oreo.

"Sure." And my inner teenage girl takes over my voice. Great. Now I'm excepting the tiny cookie and taking a bite. I watch as Luke just goes back to Calum and Michael and starts laughing.

See? He's already happier without me,

~

I ran home and went straight up to the bathroom. I knew it was going to come up. I had an oreo today, which is like 40 calories. Harry forced me to drink a bottle of coke, and I did so he wouldn't think I was too skinny. Which is like 184 calories. 

I had to get it out of my system.

I ran to the bathroom and sat in front of the open toilet. Without the help of my fingers, it comes out and I puke until every bit is out of my body. By this point, my tummy and throat were killing me.

I was also freaking out. That never happens. I usually have to force it out. This time, I threw up without force. Have I gone too far?

I decided now would be a good time to weigh myself. I picked my trembling body off the floor and walked over to the scale. Here goes nothing. I've went by that too much lately. I stepped on the scale and watched as it processed my weight.

 I just stared blankly at the number that popped up.

86 pounds.

How could I have lost so much weight in just a few days? Is that even possible? Oh, well. Whatever I do will never be good enough, anyway. Then again, people normally tell me that don't know anything. But there's one thing I do know, though.

I'm too far in to stop now.

~

Luke's POV

Ashton is anorexic. Ashton is cutting. Ashton is depressed. Ashton is scared. Ashton is guarded. Ashton is broken.

Why wouldn't he just tell me instead of running away? Would we still be together if he had told me? I had so many questions. I know that he thinks that I just felt sorry for him, but why? He actually trusted us for a while. But now he's gone as quick as he got here.

I needed to give him the help he deserved. I needed to give him that help even if he was reluctant. Everyone needs somebody to love. I just want to be Ashton's somebody,

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Wow, they really do mean it when they say people think a lot in the shower. Oh, yeah, I'm in the shower. I had been standing here for most likely 10 minutes just allowing the hot water run down my body as I thought about Ashton. Is it creepy to think about someone in the shower?

I started actually cleaning myself while singing Beautiful by Ben Rector as loud as I could. Michael and Calum shouldn't mind, though. It helps me block out the sound of the sex they're most likely having. Haha, I kid, I kid. I think. 

Hmm. Malum. Awe, that's adorable. They should date. I need to make that happen. Malum. I like it.

Ew, Luke, stop thinking about your friends in the shower. It's creepy now.

After mentally making a note to work on Malum, I turned of the shower and grabbed a towel. I dried off and attempted to quiff my hair, but failed from the fact it was wet. Well, nobody will notice. I'll just be with Calum and Michael. Speaking of them. I leaned towards the door and attempted to listen to what they were talking about.

Instead, I just got Michael yelling, "Luke, get your ass down here for practice!"

~