TRIGGER WARNING: use of homophobic slur

"Merry Christmas," Dad whispered in my ear as I lay face down in bed.

I groaned, pulling my pillow over my head. Dad was quick to pull it off and sit down beside me on the bed.

"It's your first Christmas living here full time," Dad reminded me, placing his hand on my back.

I picked my head up to glance at him, seeing his loving smile directed back at me.

"First time I don't have to go to church on Christmas," I said, sitting up and rubbing my
eyes.

Dad laughed, moving over so the two of us could sit side by side.

"Isn't that great?" he said, tossing his arm around my shoulder and pulling me to his side.

I nodded, resting my head on him. The two of us sat there for a few silent moments, enjoying each other's company. Dad has always been sappy, but I had a feeling he was getting even more so since I had left last week.

"Ready to go downstairs?" Dad asked as I picked my head up.

I nodded, following him out of the room. He seemed extra excited about this Christmas and I could only assume it was because this was the first Christmas morning we got to spend together since I was a small child.

"Merry Christmas!" Mindy exclaimed, wrapping me up in a hug as soon as I was at the bottom of the stairs.

She had insisted that we all wore matching Christmas pajamas and take a picture in the morning. I looked toward Josh and Ava, who were already sitting by the tree, and took in our matching outfits. We definitely looked like that stereotypical suburban family. The only things we were missing were the white picket fence and the family dog.

"Go sit in front of the tree," Mindy instructed, guiding me into the living room. "I want pictures!"

Dad had gone into the kitchen and returned with a cup of coffee for each of us. I allowed Mindy to steer me near the tree and took my spot beside Ava.

"Okay, nice smiles, come on," Mindy encouraged, holding up her camera.

I knew Dad had gotten her a new camera for Christmas, so she would undoubtedly want to take even more pictures after she opens it up.

The three of us posed for pictures for a few minutes until Mindy decided she wanted candid ones of us opening gifts.

"Here," Josh said, handing me a small box wrapped in red paper.

"From you?" I asked with a confused expression.

He nodded.

Leave it to Josh to make me feel like the worst brother ever. I hadn't gotten him or Ava anything for Christmas and I relied on splitting gifts with Josh for our parents.

"It's just a small thing. Don't worry about it," he said. He must have noticed the uncomfortable look of guilt on my face.

"He didn't get me anything," Ava said as she plopped a piece of chocolate from her stocking in her mouth.

"I didn't get you anything either," I admitted with a laugh.

"Maybe I should revoke your favorite brother status," Ava said with raised eyebrows.

"You wouldn't."

Ava rolled her eyes but didn't say anything else. She knew I was right.

I turned back to the small gift in my hand and ripped the paper off of it. The small white box was held shut by a single piece of tape. When I opened the box, I found a car key and then turned to give Josh a confused expression, holding the key up between my fingers.

"I didn't get you a car," Josh clarified. "I just had a spare key to ours made. So you can really take it whenever you need it."

I looked back at the key with a slight smile on my face. It was a small gift but it was a nice gesture.

"Thanks Josh," I said, leaning over to him to give him a brief hug.

He just smiled at me.

We finished opening presents and began getting ready to head over to Mindy's parents' house like the family did every year. I hadn't seen the two of them, or really anyone in Mindy's family, for at least five years.

When we got there, I was reminded of how lavish her family lived. Their house was huge and neatly kept. I couldn't help but feel under-dressed in my red and white flannel shirt and fitted khaki pants.

The entire family seemed to be there, cars lining the street and the foyer crowded with people as soon as we entered.

"Aunt Tracy popped out two more kids since last time you saw her," Josh whispered in my ear as I stood uncomfortably while Dad and Mindy greeted everyone around us.

"Really?" I asked, shocked. Last time I saw Mindy's sister, Tracy, she had at least five kids already.

He hummed in confirmation, nodding his head toward where she stood, a child who looked just over a year old on her hip.

"I'm gonna go see what kind of food they have around here," Ava announced, pushing through the crowd and going toward the kitchen.

I wished I was quick enough to follow her, but as soon as she left, Mindy's parents, Dorothy and Richard, had made their way to us.

"Joshua!" Dorothy greeted, giving him a big kiss on the cheek while Richard opted for a firm handshake.

"Hi Gram, Gramps," Josh said with a smile.

"And Elijah," Dorothy turned to me. "You have grown so much since I saw you last!" She gave me a hug tighter than I thought she would be capable of.

"It's good to see you Dorothy," I told her with a tight smile.

"Elijah," Richard greeted, holding his hand out for me to shake. He was a man of few words. The only time I ever saw him speak much was to my Dad. Those two got along well.

"Go eat! There is plenty of food!" Dorothy exclaimed before her and Richard went around to greet more of the giant family.

"Do you even know everybody here?" I whispered to Josh as he led me into the kitchen.

"Not really," he admitted with a shrug. "My grandparents invite their siblings and their families. I don't really know the extended family."

We found Ava, Dad, and Mindy in the kitchen snacking on some cinnamon buns and leaning up against the counter.

"You won't believe what I just found out," Mindy said as we approached them.

"What?" Josh and I asked at the same time.

"Tracy is pregnant."

"Again?" Josh asked incredulously.

Mindy nodded. "I told her she should get her tubes tied after this one. This is kid number eight!"

"I couldn't even imagine," Dad said, shaking his head. "We have our hands full with three."

"And it's mostly because of Ava," I joked, earning a kick in the shin from my little sister and laughs from the rest of my family.

Before anyone could say anything else, my phone started ringing. I pulled it from my pocket and groaned when I saw the caller ID.

"What?" Dad asked when he noticed my sour expression.

"It's Mom," I told him, turning the phone so he could see.

"Do you want me to answer it?" he asked.

"I should answer it," I said with a sigh. "At least let her say Merry Christmas."

"You're not obligated to," Dad reminded me.

"I know."

I walked over to a deserted corner in the kitchen and quickly answered the phone call before it went to my voicemail.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Elijah," Mom said, sounding surprised. "Merry Christmas."

"You too."

"It was strange without you here this morning," she told me in a soft tone. "I missed you."

I didn't say anything. There was nothing for me to say.

"You could still come to church with us," Mom suggested. "We already went this morning but there's a night mass."

"Mom, I can't. I have plans," I said with a sigh.

"Surely your father could give you up for the night," Mom urged. "He's had you all morning."

But he's never had me for a Christmas morning.

"He won't be okay with that," I told her. "I can't."

She was silent for a few moments. "I miss you."

I couldn't even make myself say it back.

"Merry Christmas, Mom," I said before hanging up and heading back over to my family.

Dad held his arm out to me, wrapping it around my shoulder once I was close enough.

"You okay?" he asked, holding me tightly to his side.

"I'm fine," I said with a nod.

"Want a sip of my mimosa?" Dad whispered with a grin.

"I heard that," Mindy said in a stern tone.

Dad waved her off. "A sip won't kill him."

I just laughed, enjoying their company and trying to push the thoughts of my mother out of my head.

***

Christmas had come and gone without another word from my mother, but my other tormentors were a different story and they were back in full force on the Lord's day.

Merry Christmas fag. only three more days until we see you

Did you really think Micah could save you?

See you at the tournament fag you better hope we don't catch you alone.

I thought they would have let up if Micah talked to them, but I was wrong.

"Thanks for coming with me, Elijah," Mindy said with a soft smile on her face as we drove down the road.

She had insisted on taking me out the day after Christmas. Apparently some painting place she went to with her friends was having some sort of deal and she wanted us to go together. I wasn't much of a painter, but Mindy was hard to say no to.

"Sure," I replied.

"I think you'll like it," she assured me. "Even if you're not a fan of painting."

I hummed in agreement, though I wasn't sure if she was right.

"I wanted to take you here because I think it'll help you out a bit," she told me, causing confusion to overtake me.

"Help me with what?"

Mindy smiled at me briefly then turned back to the road.

"When I was your age, I had really low self esteem," she began explaining. "I didn't really like myself, didn't think my friends liked me. I spent a lot of time alone."

The familiarity of her words caused a feeling of realization in me.

"When my mom finally had enough, she took me painting," Mindy continued. "The paintings were supposed to be a self portrait of how you see yourself, like what we're doing today."

"How you see yourself?"

She nodded. "So it doesn't have to be a realistic portrait, it can be anything as long as it reflects you."

Mindy pulled the car into a plaza. It was the same one that housed the grocery store, only the little paint studio was off to the side with barley any cars around it.

The two of us walked into the studio and Mindy talked to the lady at the front desk before we were directed to our stations, putting on aprons and getting all the supplies we needed.

Mindy started her painting with a soft expression while I just stared at a blank canvas.

"Don't know where to start?" Mindy asked when she noticed me doing nothing.

"No idea," I confessed.

"Pick a color," she instructed.

I picked blue, dabbing the brush into the paint.

"Now paint something blue that you think reflects you," she said, motioning toward my canvas.

I poorly painted what I wanted to look like a frozen lake, but it ended up just being a blue blob. I sent Mindy a dissatisfied look to which she chuckled, placing her paintbrush down.

"You don't get why I'm making you do this, do you?" she asked.

"Not really," I admitted.

"You and I are a lot alike," she told me. "We both have trouble seeing our worth."

She waited a few moments to continue.

"We need to confront the feelings we have about ourselves because if we don't, it'll eat us alive," she explained.

I nodded, thinking I finally understood what she was talking about.

My painting was in no way good, but it told me more about myself than I thought it would. I used dark colors, blues, grays, and blacks. Nothing on it really made sense. There was a section dedicated to hockey, one dedicated to my mom, one to my family, and another to my feelings about Fox.

"Wow," Mindy said, causing me to tear my eyes away from my painting. "It's dark."

"Yeah," I said with a sigh.

"But I sense some hopefulness," she said with a grin.

I chuckled. "Maybe."

I glanced over at hers and was almost blinded by the bright colors of yellow and pink. Mindy's was a lot better than mine, showing she obviously had practice with this before.

"Mine is about what I love," she told me. "What's yours about?"

I looked back to mine and stared for a moment.

"Everything that makes me feel something," I said.

"Good," Mindy said, placing her hand on my shoulder. "It's good to put your emotions somewhere so they don't just stay inside."

I couldn't believe it, but the time I spent with Mindy had actually made me feel better. I felt different, like I wasn't holding onto so much anymore. It was nice to have a mother figure that truly cared about me.

After a while, when our paintings were mostly dry, the two of us started our way home.

"You know," Mindy started as she pulled out of the parking lot. "I never really talk about this stuff with anyone else. My self esteem."

"Not even Dad?"

"Not really," she admitted. "Maybe I should. I'm really glad I got to share this experience with you."

"It was... nice." I couldn't think of the exact same word to describe it. Peaceful? Soothing?

"Hopefully we can do this more often," Mindy suggested. "Just us."

I smiled at her. "I'd like that."

We were silent for a few moments before Mindy spoke up again.

"I think you should tell Josh that what he said to you the night you left bothered you," she said, her voice soft yet strong. "I don't think you should just brush it off."

"Mindy, I want to just move on from it."

"I don't think you can until you do that," she replied. "You may think what he said was true but it still bothered you. You two should talk about that."

I didn't answer.

"And I'm not saying this to defend Josh, I'm saying this for you."

"Okay."

"You know, I love you Elijah," Mindy continued as we neared our home. "You're my son. I don't care what our DNA says."

I smiled at her. "I love you too."

When we got home, Mindy and I brought our paintings inside and I quickly put mine in my room. I plugged my phone into its charger before going into the bathroom to shower.

I couldn't help but think of the time I spent with Mindy and how it made me feel. It seemed like such a simple thing, but she was right; confronting my emotions was crucial in dealing with them. I always thought hockey was the only way I could let off steam. Never would I have thought of art to be a sort of therapy for me.

My shower was quick and soon enough, I dried and threw on my clothes before heading back to my room.

I was confused when I saw Josh standing in there until I saw what he was doing.

"What are you doing?" I asked Josh, rushing over to him and snatching my phone out of his hand.

"Elijah, what the hell is that?" he asked in a low tone, gesturing toward my phone.

"None of your business!" I yelled. "Don't go through my phone!"

"Are you getting bullied?" Josh questioned, his eyebrows raised.

"Leave it alone, Josh," I seethed.

"I can't!" he exclaimed. "I've been trying to give you space but I can't ignore that!"

"Why did you even go through my phone in the first place?" I snapped, shoving the phone in my back pocket.

"Because one of those idiots wrote something stupid on your post," Josh explained. "The one Ryan posted of all of us."

I hadn't even notice any of the guys from my old team comment on the photo.

"I wasn't going through your phone, just your Instagram," Josh said.

I scoffed. "That doesn't make it any better."

Josh stared at me with a hard glare. I could tell he was trying not to blow up at me, but if I pushed him far enough, he would.

"I could have just gone to Dad, would you have preferred that?" Josh asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

My glare matched his at his words.

"I'm trying to be a better brother to you, Elijah," Josh told me, his voice soft. "I can't let you torture yourself with what those people have to say to you. I can't."

"I'm not," I lied.

Josh gave me a look that told me he saw right through me.

"I know you," he said. "I know you think you deserve what those people say."

"Josh–"

"But you don't," he cut me off. "You don't deserve it." His voice broke on the last few words.

I couldn't pull words out of my mouth. My throat was dry and my eyes burned as I looked at Josh. He seemed so torn up and guilty. When I saw tears well up in his eyes, I knew this was about more than just the messages I had received.

"I'm so sorry," Josh choked out, his jaw right.

I was shocked at the sound of his voice, broken and shaky.

"Josh let's just not do this right now," I suggested, wanting to get away from him as soon as possible.

"I'm not ignoring this," he asserted, his voice sounding stronger. "You can't let them do that to you."

"It's not like I can just stop it," I responded with a sigh.

"Block them! Delete the account. Do something," Josh urged. "Please Elijah."

"It's not a big–"

"You're my brother. I love you. I can't let this happen to you." His voice was getting shaky again.

My mouth went dry at his words. I didn't remember a time Josh and I had ever uttered those words to each other We never saw ourselves as brothers, not until now at least.

My lip quivered as my eyes burned with tears that began spilling out. Josh had his arms wrapped around me almost instantly, letting me cry on his shoulder. He held me tightly, like I would unravel if he let go. I grasped the back of his shirt and rested my head on him.

"I'm so worried something will happen to you if that continues," Josh said in a raspy voice, his head falling to my shoulder.

"I'm sorry I worry you," I muttered.

"You're my brother, I'll always worry about you," he replied. "Worrying about you isn't a burden, it just comes with being family."

I gripped him tighter and let out an uneven breath.

"I love you too, Josh."

His arms secured me to him as we both calmed down.

"I couldn't ignore this," Josh started. "But I really am trying to stop butting into your life."

I scoffed, pulling away from him to give him a look of disbelief.

"It's not working," I told him.

"It is," he assured me with a grin. "I know more than you think, but I'm minding my business."

It wasn't hard to figure out what he was talking about.

I nodded, tightly pressing my lips together.

"But we'll talk about that when you're ready," he said, his grin turning into a satisfied smirk.

I laughed, wiping excess tears form under my eye.

"No we won't."

I could tell it pained him to not ask me about Fox, but still, he kept his word and kept his mouth shut.

The two of us moved to sit down on my bed, shoulder to shoulder. Josh held out an open hand, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Phone," he said.

I rolled my eyes, pulling my phone from my back pocket and handing it over to him. Josh wasted no time opening up my Instagram and blocking the members from my old team who had left me messages. He deleted the messages and put my account on private.

"You should block everyone from your old school," Josh suggested. "So they have no way of getting to you."

I nodded in agreement. Josh and so spent the next few minutes going through my followers and blocking everyone from my old school.