연수생의 삶

📍Seoul, South Korea

(currently at YG building: trainee's building)

Walking inside the building was always my hated part in the morning. Well, the reason was because almost all the other trainees look at us. It's weird because they see us as some sort of the idols among all the trainees because of our so called "charms and abilities." I didn't like to be treated this way because I was nowhere near to being an idol because I believe that I lack in a lot of things. I'm sure that if it weren't for my rap skills, I would've been not in the debuting team at all, since it is a fact that if you're a trainee in team a, then you'll definitely debut.

But of course, not all trainees from team a are able to make it to the final line up.

The other thing I hated was that going inside this building gives me this feeling of nostalgia and it was as if there was something that's constantly hitting my chest while I watch the interior designs of it and the pictures of the yg artists from the eldest to the recent ones, it's just that, it's reminding of the good old times.

"Some YG artists will be here to watch your performance. Please do your best," our manager said sternly, before opening the door where our monthly evaluation will take place.

"I'm nervous again," Min Jee said when we finally entered the dance studio. We were the first to enter because the other trainees will enter after us.

The room was empty, it was quiet. It felt as if we were animals that are now inside the slaughter house, who are just waiting for themselves to get killed. Though our so called slaughter house screams wealth. The expensive wooden floor and the LED lights are enough proof that YG entertainment is nowhere near to going bankrupt.

And going back to our topic, monthly evaluation in YG entertainment will never not be easy. To be precise, it's actually really terrifying. Knowing that one mistake can change your whole life forever.

Monthly evaluations should also be taken seriously, that's why most of the trainees tend to act all tough and silent while waiting for the producers to take their seats where they will watch us perform and give us some of their feedbacks. But because Eun Kyung is such a talkative person, she made the room go loud just because of her annoying voice.

"Our maknae will sing today!" she shouted then the others laugh, I even had to cover my face because of embarrassment. She's pertaining to me, and she's really loud, it annoys me.

"Please calm down," Nari told her, trying to calm our member, but because she's Lee Eun Kyung, she didn't listen and just started talking to the other girls.

The next set of trainees entered, and we all stood up to greet them. They were the ones who are called the "subs", it's a short term for substitute. They're being trained the way we are trained because they can be the sub of a member from our team if ever one of us back down, or if someone messes up with the rules.

Min Jee eonnie is from that team, and though I'm sad that she replaced our former member, I'm still glad we have her now. She's a great dancer, and she can also rap and sing.

After all the other girl trainees came in, the producers, dance instructor, voice instructor finally came in. My heart was pounding rapidly as I watch them take their seats.

This was obviously not my first time for the monthly evaluation, bloody hell, I was a trainee for 6 years already, but still, the nervousness, the fear of not doing your best haunts me like crazy.

Because there's a saying that even if you were good during your practice, but messed up during the real thing, then that's a big problem.

"I heard it will be Treasure who'll watch us now," Eun Kyung whispered to me with a playful smile on her lips so I just rolled my eyes on her.

"Just shut up," I whispered to her too before getting up to greet Mr. Yang who just came in.

Yes, although he's no longer the CEO, he still makes sure that the artists that YG entertainment will produce will be judged by him.

He already proved his innocence, and I think, he still should be here because he still is the one with the largest amount of share in this company.

"We have some artists who will watch all of you perform," he said after sitting down. We all remained standing to greet the newcomers, and I immediately get a sight of his smiling face after Mr. Yang told them to come in.

It took them a while to come in because they're so many. I, myself couldn't believe that Mr. Yang decided to debut a group with 12 members.

We greeted them, and they greeted us back. I even caught sight of them pointing at me and Ruto. And I will surely attack them if ever they do something that can ruin my performance for today.

They sat down together with the producers, and in order not to get distracted, I just looked at my hands that were actually trembling because of nervousness.

"get a hold of yourself, Stella!" I whispered to myself. Trying my best to calm myself down, but obviously failing.

"So what we'll have today first is an individual performance. Who will go first?" Mr. Yang asked, and being the confident girl that she is, Eun Kyung went first. I even saw the producers laughing at her confidence, and I couldn't help but to do the same.

Eun Kyung is one of the few girls I really trust, and I admire her because of her confidence and her singing abilities. She's actually the one who taught me how to sing Cruel Summer for this day.

Taeyeon sunbaenim's Fine started playing, and she started to ready herself to give off another amazing performance.

Her eyes were close as she's singing, and some girls were even whispering if the recording of that song was also playing because her voice was really heavenly!

"She really is a main singer material," Nari told me as she's looking at Eun Kyung.

"Agree," Min Jee said as she's in awe while watching our main vocalist. And as I'm watching her, I couldn't agree more. She's like the girl version of Taeyang sunbaenim which is awesome.

After her awesome performance, we all clapped, even Treasure clapped for her. Mr. Yang is just smiling while looking at her.

After Mr. Yang gave her a compliment, it was now Treasure's turn to say something. Yedam was the one who gave her a compliment and being a huge fan of Yedam that Eunkyung is, she was smiling while listening to Yedam.

I just shook my head as I'm smiling at her craziness.

After her, I was then called by Mr. Yang so I immediately stood up and went to the front. My members cheered for me but I was too nervous, I even almost fell down because of my trembling legs.

"What can you say about Yedam's song?" he asked me when I was finally infront of them. He was pertaining about Yedam's song Wayo.

I look at Yedam, and I smiled when our eyes met. He was the first person I became close with, since we're both treated like the child prodigy here in YG entertainment making it something we can both relate to, and seeing that he finally achieved his dream makes me so proud of him.

"I am proud of him, sir."

A small smile escaped Mr. Yang's lips before telling me to go on with my performance.

I signaled the operator to start my song. And when it started, that's when I pushed all the nervousness and fear away. I have to prove to all of them that I can be in this new girl group.

I bobbed my head to the beat when the intro came, and I started singing after.

When the chorus came, I heard some girls who are singing along with me but in their hush voices. I even saw that Mr. Yang was smiling while looking at my performance.

Then my eyes found his. I smirked at him before doing some gestures using my free hand while singing the chorus. Urging the others to clap their hands as I sing, which some gladly did. I smiled and even did better in performing this time. Adding adlibs here and there, and even giving winks to the other girls inside.

The song was slowly consuming my whole being. I love performing, I love singing the same way as I love rapping. It was my escape from reality.

And being able to show off my talent in singing makes me happy.

After my performance, I posed in the end then I heard their claps for me. Eun Kyung even gave me a finger heart and I immediately covered my face because of embarrassment. The adrenaline was slowly going away, making me feel that tinge of embarrassment because of how bold I was today with my performance.

"Cute~"

"She's really debuting."

"I can't believe I got to see her performance for free!"

Those were the comments I heard from the other girls, and I was glad that they liked my performance. I was known for being an amazing rapper so I was nervous to sing for them so I'm happy that they liked it.

"I have nothing to say but you always surpass my expectations for you." Mr. Yang told me so I bowed and thanked him for such compliment. It was rare to receive such compliment from Mr. Yang so I'm really touched.

It was natural for us to be touched by just simple compliments. Our lives as trainees were never easy, being constantly told we're not good enough is mentally draining, and so to receive a high feedback or even a simple praise really makes us genuinely happy.

But I was pushed out of my train of thoughts when I heard Mr. Yang telling Treasure sunbaenim that it's their turn to say something.

As they were asking each other as to who should give a comment, I even almost shouted at them when I noticed that they were telling Haruto to give me a comment. Good thing Yedam stopped them, and decided that Jun Kyu should be the one who'll give me a comment, for he's also known for being a great vocalist.

"Be honest, okay?" Mr. Yang reminded him because he's aware of my friendship with most of them.

"To be honest, I don't like it," he said. I was shocked because they were jamming while I was singing so I just lowered my head so that they wouldn't see the disappointment painted on my face.

"Yah! Jun Kyu!" I heard Jihoon scolding him.

"Your voice, your posture, even your song choice. I don't like it." Jun Kyu said so I took courage to look at him.

I was close to tearing up because it felt weird to hear all of these from him. I know he has to be honest, but the pain demands to be felt.

It was humiliating, but I just smiled at them despite the heavy lump forming in my throat.

It felt like all the hard work and courage for me to do this performance was wasted because he didn't like it. I'm afraid Mr. Yang might change his mind just by hearing his opinion.

"because I love it," he whispered, then he laughed. My tears even started falling down. I covered my face using my hands as I started sobbing.

You jerk! Jun Kyu will never be Jun Kyu if he doesn't have anything up in his sleeves. But I was too pressured and nervous to think that his comment had a twist. I even had to fight the urge to punch him in front of everyone for making me cry.

I was too nervous and scared that my emotions just burst after hearing his compliment. It means so much to me because he's a great singer.

The producers even find it cute that I cried, and to think that everything was recorded makes me more ashamed! They will forever have a copy of me crying!

I can't believe this!

• • •

After the monthly evaluation, it's now time for lunch! My eyes were still puffy, even my nose is still red!

The other trainees were already gone, even Mr. Yang and the producers. But Treasure is still here.

"Yah! I'm sorry!" Jun Kyu said before messing my hair. I took this opportunity to pinch his nose because of his craziness.

"You made me cry, you idiot!" I yelled at him, I even heard the others laughing, and he too was laughing.

"It won't happen again!" he said before hugging me tightly, I did the same. I closed my eyes as I rest my head on his chest.

This was nothing new, but hugging him right now gave me comfort.

After the hug, Hyun Suk came to me and even told me that my voice was really good.

"You taught me well," I joked and they all laughed by the memory of Hyun Suk oppa singing Gdragon sunbaenim's Untitled 2014.

"by the way, this is Haruto. Haruto, she's Stella, but more known as Hanbyul."

I look at Jihoon angrily because of his stupid stunt but I smiled at Haruto and even shook his hand. It wasn't the first time that we met each other, but because of them, it always feels like the first time.

I also introduced my members to them, and they also introduced themselves. I just smiled when I saw how awkward Yedam and Asahi sunbaenim were while greeting my members.

"Time to go," Min Jee said while pointing at her wristwatch a sign that we still have to eat and return to practice.

"Bye! I still need to practice! Good luck on your debut!" I told them and they did the same.

Once we're outside, my members were looking at me with weird smiles on their faces.

"So, is it Haruto or Jun Kyu?" Eun Kyung asked me while we're walking towards the cafeteria.

"What are you even talking about? Junkyu is my friend, and Haruto is a sunbaenim, okay?" I told her before walking pass by her, but her laugh still echoed throughout the hallway.

Everything was normal around us when we were kids. I was the only girl that the staff members, managers and even the producers, and Mr. Yang himself don't have any suspicion though I am close with them.

Because of the fact that we were all kids when we first met each other, and I really treated them like my brothers, especially Yedam, but now that I'm a teenager, and seeing how caring and handsome Jun Kyu is, it just hits different.

But I always stop whatever this feeling I have for him because as a trainee, I shouldn't feel this way- though you can say it's just a petty crush, and everybody goes through this phase, but it's not the same for me.

A trainee's life will forever be sad if you like someone, especially if it's liking someone who's your already famous sunbaenim.

To be continued. . .