Chapter 18

Between working almost every waking minute and visiting his mother if he had a few hours off, it was five days before James had another chance to log in. When he finally found time for Shattered Land at the end of a very long Wednesday, he discovered an inbox full of voicemails on his game phone.

"So? Whad'ya think? Whad'ya think?" was all Casey had to say. He felt bad for having had no time for even a message since the concert, but his current life's priorities were carved in stone. Thinking about anything but the path before him was impossible.

August had also left a message, thanking him for accompanying her to the concert and asking if he would like to team up on the day of the Laurentian invasion event.

The final message was from Kanade. "Hello ... um. Did you enjoy the concert? I know you're busy, but if you happen to get a moment ... I was hoping to talk."

She was online. He hit the call button.

"Hello, James," Kanade said.

"I have some time."

"Oh, um ... will you come to the hill?"

"Be there in a few."

James clicked off and began to walk. The night air was cool and calm, the streets quiet. The peculiar uncertainty in Kanade's voice was a worry that he knew he shouldn't concern himself with.

Easier said than done.

He found her in the same spot as the last time. The peaceful sound of her breathing became a mellow medley with the insects and night birds and the sigh of the breeze through the leaves. She was on her back, staring up and out into the universe, wearing the simple cream summer dress from the first day they had met.

"Your outfit," Kanade said, head swiveling as he approached. "It suits you better than all the black did."

James glanced at himself as he laid down next to her, finding a button-up blue cotton shirt with the metal heart of the Hagane no Kokoro logo on the left breast pocket, worn over a pair of khaki cargo pants.

"I agree," he said. "So you saw me that night."

Kanade's hair brushed softly over the grass as she nodded. "As the show was ending."

"I thought about coming to find you guys after the concert. But I figured you would have a ton of fans swarming around, so I decided to save it for another day."

"Oh..." Kanade said. "Was that what happened?"

James wasn't sure how to respond to that, so he didn't. He just stared at the stars, and the voids of blackness between that stretched like silences.

"The girl you were with," Kanade said, at length.

"August?"

"She's the moderator from that time."

"Yes."

"I see."

James waited for her to continue, knowing that I see meant that she didn't. But the lull dragged on. Finally he said, "What about her?"

Kanade's eyes scanned from horizon to horizon without much movement from her head, some silent internal struggle taking place. Was it related to her strange reaction during the forest event? August had only been playing a role, but Kanade had seemed to experience something much more personal.

"How much do you know about her?" Kanade said.

"Not a lot. She works as a moderator for UCC and plays poker. She wears a lot of masks, but she doesn't seem like a bad person." The sum total of his knowledge and opinions didn't amount to much.

"So you know about the masks," Kanade said, with odd emphasis.

"Conversationally, I meant. As if there are quite a few different people inside her and she brings out whichever is needed. Sounds schizo when I say it, but we're all like that to some extent."

Kanade sat up and turned so that her back was facing James. She pulled in her knees and hugged them. "If I told you that it would be better to stay away from her, what would you say?"

James pondered for a very long time, trying to see through the layers. Something vital was missing. "I would say you have to give me something more to go on."

Kanade nodded without turning, the midnight waves of her hair splashing darkly against the cream of her dress. "I knew you would."

"But you won't tell me anything else?"

"...I can't."

"Why?"

Kanade sighed, and when she drew her breath back in, there was an infinitesimal tremble to her shoulders. "Because I can't criticize someone for having secrets."

James thought until it felt like his brain was crawling out of his ears. "Do you think August is a physical danger to me?"

"That isn't it." No hesitation.

"Then what are you worried about?"

"I guess ... myself," Kanade said, sounding smaller than she was. "And I don't want you to get hurt."

"You said she isn't dangerous."

"Not that kind of hurt."

"Then what kind?"

"I..."

Something about this Kanade, so uncertain and inarticulate and fretful, spoke more to him than words. A subtext to his existence had been exposed. In retrospect, August's behavior had been slightly off as well.

Not everything around him was as simple as it seemed.

"I understand," James said.

Kanade snorted in laughter. "How could you possibly? Good grief, I'm useless."

"No. I don't know what's going on, but I can see that you're carrying some sort of weight that you can't set down. And I understand that very well."

"You're a nice guy." Kanade still had her back to him, but her gaze was on the sky again.

"I'm not. I've spent the better part of a decade becoming someone who needs nothing and no one."

"Rolling with the punches doesn't mean you're not a nice guy."

James sat up and swiveled around, inching toward Kanade until they were touching back to back. She didn't flinch away.

"That song you guys sang," he said.

"Yes?"

"How much do you know about me?"

"A little. Meeting you was like meeting Santa Claus or Elvis or something. Donald talks about you all the time, so it was as if we already knew you."

"He told you my story?"

"Bits and pieces. But it didn't take much time to fill in the gaps."

"Meaning what?"

"I guess I feel like I know you better than I should be able to."

How much did they really understand of what it was like to live in a limited world—a world in which no living humans were allowed, save in passing?

Judging from that song, someone understood quite well.

"It was corny, wasn't it?" Kanade said. "And stupid. All that 'let me help you' stuff. What can I do? What do I know? Hearing someone's story is nothing like living it. But please don't hold it against us. We both just wanted to ... tell you. That there are people who do care."

"I know." James picked at the grass, cool under his hand, holding a blade up in front of his face. In the light of the stars, it was so dark it was almost black, but gleamed with remembered life. "Sometimes I think the only way I survived until now was by not really surviving. But I did want to tell you both that I heard you. I'd have to be a robot to feel nothing from a song written just for me. I'm not that heartless."

"I know you aren't."

"I might have a lump of metal instead of the usual, but it's a heart."

"Yes, it is."

"It's not hopeless." James twirled the blade of grass in his fingers, then let it fall to the ground. "Is it?"

"Never," Kanade said. "Even steel melts, if the heat is hot enough." Her head tilted back against his, gazing straight up into the heart of the night.

Weariness took hold. Being around Kanade relaxed him in a way that nothing else did. No matter what was falling to pieces, no matter the intimations of danger unseen, in this moment he was calm. As if all the stars in the sky were watching over him.