I sit on the top step of the stairs gripping the ledge to keep from passing out. I haven't seen everyone since... well the battle field. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I know steve is as upset about the baby as I am, but he's stronger than me. He can put on a tough exterior in a second and usually I can too but not now. Steve walks up the stairs carefully sitting one stair below me clearly trying to get me to look at him. I keep focusing on breathing and getting oxygen to my brain.
"Nat...?" He starts in a hushed voice "it's okay. These are your friends. They are just happy to see your doing better."
"BUT IM NOT DOING BETTER! IM PUTTING ON A BRAVE FAVE AND PRETENDING AND I DONT WANT TO! I DONT WANNA BE HERE! I DONT WANNA DO THIS! NOT HERE! NOT WITH YOU! NOT AT ALL! WHAT I WANT IS MY BABY BACK BUT I CANT HAVE THAT NOW CAN I?! CAN I?! LEAVE ME ALONE OK! IS THAT SO HARD!" I snap at Steve definitely loud enough for everyone to hear. That's not how I wanted everyone to find out but it works I guess. I turn around tears streaming down my face and run back to my room. I slam my door way to hard and collapse to my knees. As I sit on my knees, my face soaked in tears my sadness is replaced with anger. Anger for the daughter I lost. Anger for the other people who have lost daughters, sons, moms, dads, friends, and partners. Anger at the one who caused it, and anger knowing I can't personally get any revenge. I let out a scream so loud I thought the house would collapse around me. I imagine what it would be like putting a bullet in thanos' head, maybe a knife. Anything. Just getting revenge. I imagine the feeling it would give me, relief and satisfaction. But revenge is not the right way to honor my baby's memory. The guilt of my thoughts and the guilt of yelling at Steve like that comes running at me like a football quarter back. Slamming into me with a 1,000 tons.

                                                                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that everyone knows a truer form of how I feel they mostly left me alone to deal with my emotions for a couple weeks. I got the random checks from anyone and the food offers from Clint but I haven't really seen Steve since I yelled at him. I shouldn't have done that. It was so uncalled for, he's going through the exact same thing I am. He didn't deserve it. I think he's watched me sleep a few times, but I can't be sure. I really hope I didn't ruin our relationship. I might not survive that one. I decide yesterday that I was going to have breakfast somewhere other than my bed and with someone other than my shadow and a stuffed bear. So I get up and make my way to my door. I hesitate. I have hardly had to leave my room in six weeks. Clint brings me food weather I want it or not and I have a bathroom attached to my bedroom. Pepper with the help of F.R.I.D.A.Y makes sure the compound stays stocked so I never run out of anything either. I contemplate waiting another day, just one. I could just wait till tomorrow. Spend one more day in bed alone. But I can't. I force myself to open the door and step out. I walk forward toward the stairs hesitantly. Hopping no one else leaves their room at this exact moment. I see the top of the stairs and a wave of guilt about Steve that I had been suppressing bursts over the flood gates making my eyes well up with tears. I freeze for a moment before realizing Steve could be down in the dinging room hoping to see him I almost run down the stairs. This was not the plan. I stop when I reach the bottom of the stairs 5 sets of eyes on me. non of them are Steve's.
"Natasha!" Bruce walked over to me to give me a hug. He walks cautiously but still quick. Clearly excited to see me. He hadn't come to see me.  Or while I was awake anyways. It makes sense I wouldn't want him to get overwhelmed and hulk out in my room. I hug home back happy to have some human interaction.