I finally got to write. I finally found myself again. To be honest, I'm taking it step by step. However, this chapter was personal to me and I related to it cause all this is what I have felt and learnt. I hope this touches someone, heals someone, and helps them with decisions in life.

Still considering a mass update. Just figuring out when.

Thank you for all your messages. I read each one of them. And to be honest, this is why I managed to rise up this fast. You mean so much to me.

Chapter 11

Bai Shen Hong
Yuwen Hong
The Blacksword Academy

Yuwen Hong brushed his index finger over his forehead and felt the swelling that fell up to his eyelash. Oren was still a good opponent and Yuwen Hong wondered whether the saying, “The student shall surpass the teacher,” was indeed true. Just when he thought he was almost there, Oren always improved in like manner. You would think since he was aging, it would start to show by now.

As he approached the waterfall, his eyes caught Li Lian seated on the bench. She was waiting for him as he had instructed his court lady to let her know that he would see her there. It was a surprise she pitched up considering her stubbornness and willful personality.

To be honest with himself, he was at a point where he was tired. A person can only chase after the other to a certain point before wearing out. Li Lian had run him down and he felt like an old horse, stripped off of all strength and motivation where it concerned the issues of the heart.

To what extent did she want him to go for her so she could be satisfied that his feelings were earnest and what he felt towards her was something he was willing to sacrifice for? Had what they had in the beginning only been, but a dream?

Cold wind breezed past Li Lian and it shook her to the bone. Near the waterfall, the wind carried droplets of water within it. She brushed the few dripping on her face using the back of her sleeve, and sighed.

He did not know what was to happen after they talked. The only thing to be sure of is that he was angry toward her. Very angry, but so was the hurt as deep. And also, he was not sure how far along his bottom line was. Had she pushed him too far or maybe there was still a possibility? It all depended on her, but this was the last chance he would give her.

The ground thudded and leaves brushed the sole of his shoes as he approached her, but though hearing him, she refused to look up. She did not want to face him, probably afraid of what she would find in his eyes.

With right, she had to be, because positive shone in him at that moment.

Yuwen Hong sat on the same bench she was on, which had her slightly tremble, but she dismissed that by compulsively waving her fingers through the luscious hair curtaining her face.

“Speak,” his voice was quiet, resigned and beat down. She had done that to him.

She cleared her throat. “Where should I start?”

That seemed to irritate him. Time was of the essence and he wanted to be done with it as soon as possible. “You figure. It is not I who likes to keep secrets.”

She flinched at his words and nodded in acceptance of it all. “Lance is the person who rescued me when I fell from the cliff.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to kiss him in gratitude,” the words fell through gritted teeth.

“I didn’t.”

“Then why did you...?” It couldn’t be said. Such an act was treasonous and only she dared to do that.

“I don’t have any feelings toward him?”

That punched him in the stomach. Lava sipped into his veins and he went hot. Li Lian was insane and she didn't deserve him.

If she said that it was a mistake. At least that was acceptable. But going around to court other men just because she did not like them was despicable.

His feelings held his mouth shut. What was there to be angry about? What was there to shout for? It was really pointless when there was nothing to salvage.

They had reached this point after all. A point of no return.

"Yuwen Hong," she whispered, "please say something. Your silence scares me."

His silence scared her. His tantrums scared her. Did she know what she wanted?

“He kissed me. I did not stop him. Although, I should have.”

She was crazy. That's what.

“And how is that supposed to make me forgive you? You are making your position worse, here, Li Lian.”

“Yuwen Hong, it doesn’t matter who kisses me. As long as they aren’t you, it doesn’t count. Because in my heart there is only you. And what I feel is so strong that not a mere kiss will change that.”

He abruptly looked at her, caught off guard. But no, no. He couldn't give up too soon. Those were just words coated in honey meant to snare him again. He had been there before.

“That still does not give you the right to go on kissing other men! Saying what you just said is absurd.” His anger was becoming rebellious and quite hard to keep in check. Especially with all she was foolishly saying.

“I know, I know.” She surprisingly stood and then surrendered herself to the ground, doubling on her knees. “Indeed, I have done wrong by you, and have hurt you." She made a bow for him.

And he almost stopped her. Stupidly.

"Please, forgive me," she finished.

“You think just having you on your knees will have me letting it go just like that?” he scoffed.

In her eyes were tears floating and threatening to fall. She wanted to cry but she wouldn’t in front of him. Li Lian wanted to be always strong before him, a force to be reckoned with and someone who he could not break down.

“Lance’s head,” he said decisively.

“What?” It was like she had not heard him correctly.

“If you agree for his head to be cut off, I will let it go.”

He did not need anyone’s permission to execute a head as he wished but he wanted hers to do it. Her approval ensured her not to later hold it against him and for it to be not something to cause a barrier in their relationship.

“Yuwen Hong, he may not ever gain good sight in his one eye, was that not enough?”

“Even his cut out heart won’t be enough, I am being lenient enough, actually.”

“You are pushing me into a corner," she echoed sadly.

“I am asking you to choose where we must go next.”

She lowered her head in resign. He already knew what it would be, thus he rose and brushed his skirt as he was already done with this woman. Her nonsense was beyond what he could handle. She did not deserve him.

“Have a good life henceforth, Li Lian.” His hand folded on his back and the other elegantly lifted his robes as he made his way back.

There are two kinds of pain a person could face when they are considering moving on.

The known pain and the unknown pain.

The known pain is preferable but not effective. The unknown pain is undesired but effective.

The known pain is having the knowledge that Li Lian would always choose herself over compromising, not consider his feelings time and time again, go against his authority and make her own rules, didn't want to love him, didn't want to sacrifice, always choosing others before him.

This pain is what he knew and expected. And because it's expected, it became something he embraced and thus decided not to move on, even though it was detrimental to his growth as a person.

However, now he would choose to move on, something many people found hard to do because they didn't want the unknown pain.

As people, we want the familiar things over the mystery, thus we'd rather cling to our known demise.

The unknown pain is being alone, not knowing the future, whether he will love again, loneliness being his friend, the heartbreak sitting next to him and not knowing how long it is to last.

All this is unknown and scary, something difficult to embrace. However, in the end, this is the most effective.

S.V