I was sitting up in my bed staring at my door. I knew any minute now I would have to walk out and eat breakfast with everyone. I was afraid of the things that would be said. I had no idea if anyone knew that I was back. My stomach was turning inside out and I had no appetite at all, but I knew that I had to eat. They were all probably angry with me.

            The knock on my door caused me to jump up. “Breakfast.” It was Emily.

            I sighed and nervously walked to the door and opened it. She was standing there in front of me smiling. “Ready?” She asked and I nodded.

            I followed her down the short hallway and hesitated before walking into the kitchen. I could smell the buttered toast and eggs coming from the room next to me. I could easily book it if I wanted to. The front door was ten feet away. I could make a fun for the gate and be gone for good. I’d find Sammi and Alex. They’d take me in and keep me hidden from everyone else. It would be so easy.

            The wonderful fantasy escaped my thoughts as I stepped into the kitchen. Eyes planted themselves on me, causing me to freeze in my spot. “Lylah!”

            Kevin got up out of his seat and ran over to me, giving me a giant hug and actually lifting me off of the floor. “Oh my gosh I’ve missed you so much! I’m so glad you’re back, thank God! Oh my gosh!” He cried as he spun me in circles.

            I was then put down and he looked straight at me. I was speechless. I was scared I’d say something stupid, even though with Kevin nothing I said was stupid. He always accepted me, even if I left for a while. “I’ve missed you, too.” I managed to say softly.

            He smiled and grabbed my head, leading me to my spot, then heading back to his. Kyra stared at me for a few seconds before eating her food. I didn’t dare look over to Johnny, especially after the talk we had at the mall. I felt even more out of place than when I first came here.

            There was no talking, just eating. I didn’t dare say a word to anyone. All I wanted to do was eat and escape back to my room. I only ate one piece of toast and a few eggs before getting up and dropping my plate in the garbage. After that I quickly made my way into my room and shut the door. It was the most awkward meal ever.

            Not too long after that I heard a knock on my door. I reluctantly walked over to it and opened it, but no one was there, just an iPod laying on the ground with a small note by it. I picked them both up and shut my door again, making my way to my bed. The note read:

            There’s only one song. Listen.

            Johnny.

            I could feel the knots in my stomach while I clicked the song called Undone by Lifehouse. I had never heard it before, so I carefully listened to the lyrics.

I can see it your eyes you're hurting

But pain is part of learning who you are

All these truths can sometimes be deceiving

When your whole world comes crashing to the ground

I bit my lip and choked down the tears that were threatening to fall. What was he trying to say with this song? I was nervous for the rest, but listened anyway.

Tell me everything you need now anything at all

And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall

Yeah, When you come undone

When you come undone

The chorus made me think about Johnny and how much I still liked him. He had always been there for me and tried several times to get me to talk about my feelings. Every time I was hurt and upset he was there. He stuck with me through everything even after all the times I pushed him away. I felt so selfish for doing so. So cruel and unfeeling.

You know I can't be like everybody

Cause I can't tell you what you want to hear

I don't know if I can make it better

All I know is I will be around

These lines were so true when it came to him. When he first found out I was smoking weed he told me how bad it was and that I should stop. And then when he found out who I was staying with, he let me know that what I was doing was stupid. Even after Chelsea’s party when he was telling me how I was throwing my life away and was stuck in my own little world. The chorus played on and then the bridge started playing.

When all your plans are made out lying on the floor

And all your dreams are turning into nothing more

When all your hope has left you know you're not alone

Just hold on

Hold on

I was a mess after that. The tears poured out and I buried my face in my hands. How could I have been so stupid? How could I treat him like he was nothing to me? I was a terrible person. I didn’t deserve a friend like him. I deserved to be hated. I treated him poorly, yet he still wanted to be there for me. What was wrong with me?

The chorus ended the song, and I sat there staring down at the iPod. The shame was flowing through me and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know whether or not to go and find him and apologize, or just wait. Was he mad at me at all? Did he have anything against me? Even though he showed me this song, I still had some doubts. My self-esteem was so low and  I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he had actually forgiven me. I needed to find out.

I got up and walked over to my door nervously. When I opened it, I headed towards his room and knocked. I listened as the footsteps got closer, then the door swung open. “U-Um, this is yours.”

            Ahh! I was so stupid! How was that the only thing I could say?

            “Come in.” He told me, and I followed him into his room.

            I stood there awkwardly as he shut the door and faced me. He looked tense and unsure of what to say. I could still feel the dried tears on my face, and I knew my eyes were probably bloodshot. He noticed too, because he walked closer to me and wiped the remaining tears off my face. There was a lot of pain in his eyes. Pain caused by me. I had put him through so much worry, and I hated myself for it.

            “Johnny, I’m really sorry.” I said and lowered my head.

            I felt his hand under my chin before he lifted my face up to look at him. Right as our eyes locked, his lips collided with mine. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close while kissing me, and I allowed it. I never wanted it to end, but my stupid hormones caused that to happen.

            I couldn’t help the thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about how hurt he looked when he saw me at the mall. The hurt in his voice, the pain in his eyes, and it was all because of me. I never answered one of his phone calls or texts, I just blocked him off. I didn’t deserve to be kissed.

            Tears started to pour from my eyes again and I couldn’t help it when I started crying. I broke the kiss and shook my head. Backing away, I ran my fingers through my hair and stared at the ground, but wasn’t away from him for too long before he wrapped his arms around me again. “Shh, it’s okay.” He cooed while rubbing my back.

            I cried into his chest while he held me. “I-I’m so sorry, Johnny. Everything’s my fault. I’m so stupid. I-I should have never done that. I should have never left. I d-don’t understand why you still like me. I don’t deserve it.” I managed to say through the crying.

            “That’s not true, Lylah. It’s not your fault. I know how much you’re hurting. I know how hard life has been for you, and I understand. Of course I still like you. I was so worried about you, but that didn’t stop my feelings for you. I just wanted you safe.” He said to me.

            I continued to cry into his chest for a few minutes before I stopped and pulled away. I looked at the tear stains I left on his shirt and laughed a little. “I’m sorry.”

            He shrugged. “It’s fine. You needed to cry.” He told me.

            He grabbed my hand and led me to his bed. We laid down and he pulled me close to him. We cuddled for hours after that.

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            I looked at Johnny nervously about to leave his room. “I hope Kyra isn’t too mad at me.” I said before walking out and over to Kyra’s door.

            I let myself in and saw her sitting on her bed. “Can I talk to you?” I asked, getting a nod in response from her.

            I sat down next to her on her bed and sighed. She hadn’t said one word to me since I had been back, and I knew she was angry. I mean, I left her alone without saying anything. Sure she had Kevin and Johnny, but we always hung out. “I’m sorry for everything. I was stupid for running off. I guess my head didn’t register the fact that I had good friends here. You were right. I was too consumed in my own little world of hate, and I couldn’t see the people who cared about me.” I explained, staring down at me feet.

            There was a moment of silence before she spoke. “It’s okay.”

            I looked up to her and she was smiling, which made me smile. “You don’t know how relieved I am to hear that.” I told her, and hugged her tightly.

            “You need to go talk to Kevin, though. He’s been so upset.” She told me.

            I nodded and took a deep breath before walking out of her room and going to find Kevin. He wasn’t in his room, so I walked around the house trying to find him. Figuring out he was nowhere in the house, I walked outside and saw him sitting on the front step. I sat down next to him and leaned my head against him. I knew he was happy I was back because of the hug I had gotten earlier. “Hey.” I said softly.

            He wrapped his arm around me. “Hey.” He repeated.

            “I’m sorry for everything. I shouldn’t have left like that. You’ve been through so much, and me leaving was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.” I explained.

            He nodded his head and looked over to me. “I forgive you, of course. It was hard not having you here. It’s easier to talk to you, and you helped me so much after I tried killing myself.” The thought of him jumping off the ledge made me flinch.

            “Did I miss your first therapy appointment?” I asked.

            He sighed. “Yeah, but I managed without you. You can come to the next one if you want.” He suggested.

            “Sure.” I said.

            We sat there like that for a while. I was enjoying the time spent with him. We didn’t need words to connect, it was more of feelings. Kevin understood me and I understood him.

            “Oh, I forgot to tell you. Chelsea came over looking for you.” Kevin said, breaking the silence.

            Crap.

            I quickly got up and pulled out my phone. “Oh my gosh!” I shouted as I dialed her number.

            “Lylah! Oh my gosh! I have been so worried about you where have you been?” She cried.

            I explained everything to her. How I ran away and lived with some other people for a while. She stayed silent the whole time, and I knew when she was silent she was upset.

            “Lylah, you’ve changed.” She said when I was finished.

            “How?” I asked.

            “You’re so different. You’re not the same person that I became best friends with. You used to never do drugs, and you always thought about how others would feel before you did things like that.” She explained.

            I sighed. She was right. “When was the last time you even wrote a song?” She asked.

            Her question caught me by surprise. I tried to think back to the time I had written my last song, and remembered it was about a week before my family had died. I was always writing songs or poems; music was my life. I would always talk to Chelsea about them and how proud I was for writing them. She was my biggest supporter.

            “A long time ago.” I finally said.

            “Exactly.” Was all she said.

            I bit my lip and tried to think of something else to say, but nothing came to mind.

            “I’ve gotta go. Text me sometime, okay?” She said.

            “I will.” I promised, then we hung up.

            I sat back down on the steps and thought about everything. I had been so caught up in making myself happy and doing stupid things that I didn’t even take in everyone else’s feelings. I needed to change. I needed to become my normal self.

            But how could I do that? How could I become happy with myself while making others happy? I was a murderer. I deserved all of this pain. It was my punishment from God for killing my family.

            I didn’t deserve to be happy.