important, kind of long a/n at the end :-)

—

5:49 PM // last evening

"well, our last sunset here, and it looks absolutely breathtaking." calum says.

we are all in the same formation we were at when we watched the sunrise the first morning we were here. except now, there's an addition and jane's next to luke at the end.

"this may be the best sunset i've ever seen." jane says.

"i'm glad i got to see it with you." luke whispers to her.

i kept quiet the whole time, not wanting to look at luke because i know him and jane are holding hands.

once the sun was out of sight, michael was the first one that stood up.

"show's over, folks," he dusts the sand off of his board shorts, "let's go eat, yo man is hungry." he rubs his tummy as he says this.

we all decide to eat at the most expensive restaurant on the island, just because it was our last night.

8:16 PM

"boy, i'm stuffed." ashton giggles as he pats his tummy.

i was quiet for most of the time, as i observed everyone.

i'm so fucking sad tonight.

as we walk out of the restaurant, before michael talks about wanting to drink, i talk.

"would you guys mind if i separated tonight? i'm not going to a club or anything, i'll just walk around. some alone time."

they all look at me, then at each other.

luke is the first one to speak, "are you sure? i mean, it's our last night here."

"yeah, i'm sure," i nod, "i just wanna be by myself tonight."

"uhm, okay. if you're in trouble, we're all on speed dial. if you don't text as least one of us every hour, we'll find you, okay?" luke says, still unsure of his words.

"okay." i smile at all of them, and walk away.

once i reach our room, i open up my suitcase and open the smallest pocket. there, i pull out my black moleskine notebook.

this is something i've treasured and kept for more than three years. this is where i keep all my saddest, deepest thoughts. all for luke.

i sigh as i walk out of the room, and i start to walk towards the farthest end of the beach.

"tonight, i shall weep for you." i whisper to the moon, it's moonlight radiating over the whole island.

8:55 PM

i plop myself down on the sand, and sit down, my knees touching my chest. my fingers graze over the fine material this notebook is made out of, before i open it.

this is everything i didn't say. i read mentally as i open the first page.

i sigh as i flip open the pages, occasionally stopping on quotes that make my heart ache.

oh, i'm sorry. would you like me to read some for you? here, let me share my sadness.

i love you, i thought. but i didn't say it.
there are so much instances where i'd look at luke, i'd stare at him, even though he's
just doing the simplest of things. i love everything he does.

so this is what longing feels like.
he's always so close to me. he's always within earshot, at a distance where i can touch him easily, but he always seems so far away. i long for him, even though he's always there.

i want your words, probably as much as i want your arms around me.
luke has the most beautiful mind. he always knows the right words to say, the right emotions to feel. he knows how to transform those feelings into beautiful words and lyrics. i want those words. i want him to hold me as much as i want those words.

and again i sleep in a house, dreaming of home.
i have tried to be with different guys, of course i have. yet, while i'm with them, there's always that part in my heart and mind that screams luke's name. whenever i'm with somebody else, i can't help but feel guilty. i imagine that it's luke i'm with.

pretty is for moon and stars in crowds. cute is for rabbit and bunny shaped clouds. beautiful are things that weaken ones knee. and, sometimes dear, you are all three.
self explanatory. luke is the most gorgeous living thing i have laid my eyes on.

i have a thousand things i want to say to you, but none of these things are what you need right now. thus, i am here and i care. i am here and i care and that is all.
whenever luke is sad, he makes sure to tell me, and i make sure i am there for him. his sadness is not beautiful. it's destructive. destructive as in he tends to shut people down, he wants to keep by himself, he just turns dark. it would be like there's a dark cloud above him. which is why i try my best to be by his side when he's sad. whenever he's sad, i tell him comforting words. although i want to say a lot. like how i get sad when he's sad. how much i wanna love the sadness out of him. how heartbreaking his beautiful face looks when he's sad.
but, i am not in the place to tell him these.

i have seen in you all the things i love in this world.
it's as if the universe has compiled all the things i love to form luke hemmings. example? tall. weird. funny. likes the maine. knows how to play the guitar. fucking gorgeous. broad shoulders. a laugh i'd do anything to hear. perfectly straight teeth. twinkling eyes. a majestic voice. everything. even the things i used not to like, as long as i see them in luke, i like them right away.

i wish you knew how much space you occupy in my mind.
i think that i think of him too much.

i hope you see that i would love to love you.
this is a lyric from if i fell by the beatles. i wonder if he sees how much i want him in my arms.

no star could shine as bright as your eyes do every time you look at her. i wish i could be the one who was making you happy instead.
i wrote this last night because i got so fucking sad because of his adoration for jane. endless sighing.

i will be there for you, until my heart is black and blue.
even though my heart gets all bruised, shattered, knocked out, and battered, i will not leave him until he's okay. even though it means hurting my own self. his happiness before mine, always.

i'm still holding onto that little bit of hope. that's what's breaking me.
for more than a thousand days, i'm holding onto that tiny pinch of hope that someday, he'll finally open his fucking eyes and see me. i've been hoping that one of these days, he'd finally look at me the way i look at you. hoping that one day, i could be the one who gets to hold his hand in the streets. i am destroying myself.

and i cried for what will never be.
all the damn time. i cry, i cry, i cry. i cry for something that would never happen. i cry for us.

will she love you like i love you?
i have so much love to give to him. so damn much, i'm scared of it myself. my adoration for him has been so bottled up that if i have the chance to give it, it would explode in his face. i hope that's how much she loves and adores him, too.

he was so pretty i felt like i could draw his face. yet, i didn't even know how to draw.
luke hemmings. his face is such a work of art. it's so pretty, so defined, every flaw still a contribution to such a gorgeous masterpiece. he makes me wanna draw beautiful things, such as himself. and it's strange, because i don't even know how to draw a person that's not a stickman.

tell me who you love and i will pretend you are talking about me.
fine. he can talk to me about jane. i'll just replace her name with mine. so that i'll finally be the one who makes his heart flutter.

i crumble completely when you cry.
this is a lyric from 505 by arctic monkeys. to be frank, i get sad, too when i see him sad. but when i see him cry, i fucking shatter. it's one of the worst sights ever. not a single sad tear deserves to roll down his perfectly soft cheeks. no tear can escape those perfectly blue eyes of his. but when they do, i hate it. i fucking hate knowing that i can't give him the happiness he needs to stop them from flowing down.

will you ever be mine?
please. please.

"god dammit, ky! there you are."

—

okay. the image at the top is actually from my own journal. yes, i keep a moleskine like ky. all those quotes above (from the internet, song lyrics, some made by me) are written on that moleskine, along with many other quotes that i'd always keep to myself.

i hadn't told this before, but just like ky, i have been loving someone for 1,000+ days. yes, i count. and i don't know how to stop.

just thought i'd share this information so ya'll could see how heartfelt this short story is.

thank you for all the support :-)

- au