I close the door and recline against it with a broken sigh. It takes Mason two minutes before he finally decides to leave, I wait until I hear the engine to let out a choked sob. I cover my mouth to muffle the noise and lower my head, my hair making a curtain around my face.

I won't cry, I won't cry, I won't cry...

I breathe in and out deeply for a minute, trying to get out of my head the fact that he just... he's ashamed of me.

I wipe my tears and look at myself in the mirror hung up on the wall to my left. I practice my smile and check up for any redness in my eyes that could give me away. When I'm sure I've calmed down and that my mom or Momo won't notice, I stride through the corridor into the living room.

"Hey fat," Molly salutes me and I smile.

"Hey fatter," I force my voice into sounding as normal as possible and I gotta say I'm proud of myself, I deserve a goddamn Oscar.

"How were three hours with Sean?" Momo asks me as she kneels on the sofa, her back facing the TV.

"Tiring, he told me to leave after two hours," I tell her while I put on a kettle with chamomile tea.

"So where were you these last two hours?" She asks me confused and I curse myself in my mind.

"Don't tell mom, okay?" I warn her and she zips her mouth. "I ran into Mason-"

"Reid?!" She says excitedly.

"Yeah, and he invited me to dinner with his family," I say nonchalantly with a hint of bitterness in my tone. I really don't want to remember today after how this thing ended. I wish I hadn't surrendered to him when he asked, I knew it was going to end badly.

"He invited you to dinner at his place with his family?!"

"Yes, and stop repeating what I say, you sound like a damn parrot," I chuckle.

"And what'd you eat?" Momo asks me.

"Lasagna," I'm about to go into details, mentioning that the lasagna was vegan when the door to the laundry room opens.

"Lasagna?"

I turn my head towards an angered version of my mother that I've seen one too many times and feel my stomach tighten in anticipation. This won't end very well. I see how Momo freezes on her spot on the couch, not knowing what to do but certainly feeling the omens of a heavy argument coming on.

"Yes, but-" My mom throws away the basket with all the clean clothes to the floor, I cringe and in the blink of an eye, she's screaming and yelling in my face.

"I fucking spend my time, money... all so you can eat better and lose weight and you go out and eat lasagna? What's wrong with you Blair?!"

"But mom," I sob again, my tears coming back and the knot in my throat coming back in full force, this time tightening completely and leaving me mute against my mother's wrath.

"'But' nothing! God damn it, Blair, if you don't want to get better stop losing my time! I'm done with you, you're not helping me!"

"I went with Sean for two hours!"

"It's not enough! Whatever calories you burned you gained them with that shit you ate! Where'd you eat it?" My mom scrunches up my face in her hand, covering my chin and my cheeks roughly.

"Let me go!" I scream at her, pushing her hands away and turning around to run to my room, but she catches my arm in her hand and handles me cruelly to face her again.

"DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON ME!"

"MOM STOP!" I hear Momo yell at her.

"THEN STOP HANDLING ME LIKE THAT!" I scream bloody murder and that seems to anger my mother further. Her nostrils flare, her hands turn into fists and her eyes blaze furiously.

"I'LL HANDLE YOU HOWEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO! Tomorrow I hope Dr. Quinn tells you how much you just gained so I can tell her what you did today! So much gree juice in the morning, vegetables and fucking quinoa but then you turn around and eat behind my back!"

"It was a vegan lasagna! It had no meat!" I exasperate, my throat hoarse and my cheeks wet from the tears that keep coming out. I don't bother hiding them anymore.

"Yeah right. Whatever, I don't care, you know? You're only making a fool our of yourself because the only one here that's getting worse is you," She buries her finger harshly in my shoulder before cursing, kicking the basket and stomping all over the clothes she just washed. "AND PICK ALL THE CLOTHES UP!"

I sob into my hands once I hear the door shut close loudly. My shoulders sag and shake as I cry while I bend down defeated to pick up the clothes my mom left on the floor. I take a look at the arm she was holding in her hand and see a red imprint on my forearm that makes me sob.

Molly appears in my line of vision, bending down to help me pick up the mess my mom left behind in her fury in silence. None of us say a word until everything is picked up. I feel her ogling my tar-stained face but I just offer her a small smile, grateful for her help. Once alone in my bedroom, my mom's words won't make it out of my head.

It's not enough!

You're only fooling yourself!

Whatever calories you burned you gained them with that shit you ate!

I sob quietly into my pillow to keep from waking my sister and my mom up. I turn to look at myself in the full-length mirror near my window and admire how pathetic I look once more. This is becoming a bad habit of mine... looking in the mirror before or after a shower, scrunching up my stomach rolls, clawing at my hanging arms, frowning in disgust at the cellulite on my ass, my thighs...

Every time I feel like it's going better, it is not. Either my head, my mom, my dad or whoever it is, reminds me of it at least twice in a day. I feel choked up with all these thoughts, these resentments I never seem to get out past my teeth. They all sink in my throat and die in the depths of my heart.

Leaning over the toilet I think "is this enough mom?". I tear up, holding the edge of the freezing white ceramic. I can't... I can't do this to myself. I may not like myself too much, but I don't hate myself enough to do this out of spite, out of just proving a point. I'm too smart for that, too.

Sean comes to mind and I take a deep breath and sit on the bathroom floor, ignoring the toilet's mute mockery as a reminder of me almost losing control. I stay there until I finally get up and go back to bed, letting sleep take me away from this awful day onto the next one.

*****

Unfortunately, the bad vibes from yesterday keep lingering between my mom and me as we're in Dr. Quinn's consulting room. I'm currently on the scale, praying and hoping I lost more weight just to prove my mother wrong.

"Congratulations Blair! You lost almost nineteen pounds this last month and a half," Dr. Quinn smiles at me proudly and I sigh and smile. "These last pounds are the most difficult ones, the last twenty. I'll give you a bit of a strict diet, nothing too extreme... and with you keeping up with your exercise by December or January you should be reaching your goal," She takes my hands in her excitedly.

I turn my head to see my mom's expression but she's got a smile on her face. "Ah finally, baby," she sighs. "But please Dr. Quinn, tell her to be extra disciplined because yesterday she comes from God-knows-where saying she had lasagna for dinner," she stresses and looks at me accusingly, waging my reaction as if I'd dare contradict her.

I roll my eyes at her and Dr. Quinn looks at me. "Well, I'm sure that won't be repeated right?" I shake my head no with a small smile and Dr. Quinn goes back to her desk to print my new menu. "These months there won't be any surprise lasagnas, because you've been doing very good and I really want to see you when you're finally out of here being who you're meant to be," She smiles at me as she hands me the menu for the next month.

But who am I meant to be...?

I take a look at the menu and internally deflate with disappointment. No carbs, just oatmeal twice in the morning for breakfast during the week and a maximum of two pieces of toast on the weekends on Saturday. No meat, just fish and chicken on the weekends. No fruits, just for breakfast.

Note: no coffee, just tea, and/or water with every meal

Well, then.

When we exit Dr. Quinn's clinic my mom remains quiet. I've been waiting for the moment she interrogates me about where I went to dinner, but she doesn't. I'm meeting my girls at Gina's to tell them all that went down yesterday with Mason and to fill Merina in on everything she's lost. She had been hanging with us on and off these last couple of weeks but now is more 'off' often than 'on'.

"You heard Sandra, Blair. I hope you don't come home to tell me you ate a vegan burger or some shit," I roll my eyes at her and dare defend myself knowing my words will most probably fall on deaf ears.

"I wasn't lying," I grit out and get out without hearing what my mother has to say back. I shut the door and get into the vintage dinner looking for my friends. I see all of them except for one. I sent her a message yesterday and she said she'd come.

"Hey guys," I greet them all happily and sit besides Camille, Danielle and Tori face us on the opposite booth.

"Hey B! How'd it go? How much did we lose?" Danielle asks excitedly.

"I lost... almost nineteen pounds!" I exclaim and they all hoot and clap gaining some extra attention from the costumers but we don't mind at all as we laugh.

"Wow, Blair, you're my inspiration, I swear I wouldn't be able to keep up with that diet and the exercise... God!" Tori exclaims and I chuckle.

"You actually look hot Blair, look at those cheekbones! And your eyes look bigger," Danielle squeals excitedly for me and I laugh.

"Surely you'll have men lining up your door in no time," Camille teases me and I chuckle.

"Yeah right... as if!" I quote Clueless with the same high-pitched tone and we laugh in unison. A waitress comes and takes our order and before we know it, our food is here. I ordered a Cesar salad and a bowl of tomato soup. Guilt still echoes within me with my mother's words running around in my head.

"Hey, has Meri texted you?" Camille asks me curiously and my stomach tightens with nervousness.

"No, she hasn't..."

"She stood us up again," Danielle murmurs harshly and I can't say or do anything than remain quiet, confirming my friends' suspicions. As if on cue, Camille frowns looking down at her phone and then turns her phone for us to look at the screen. It's an Instagram story recorded at the mall thirty minutes ago where Jen is smiling at the camera and then moves so Merina can appear in it blowing a kiss and a girly laugh at the end.

Danielle huffs and Tori pouts. Camille has an angry face and mine's contorted with hurt... I know I shouldn't be like this, she's my best friend I know Merina Rogers like I know anyone else in this world and I know she loves me as much as I love her but... this isn't her.

I sent my friends a message on our group chat that I needed to talk to them and that I wanted to see them today. I needed them all here and my bestest friend is not here... It isn't like my best friend to just leave us hanging, she's changing, and I guess it is time for yet another intervention.

"Anyway..." Tori breaks the icy silence and we all look at her. "What happened yesterday, are you okay?" Sympathy clouds Tori's gentle eyes and I sigh.

"Long story short, I ran into Mason yesterday and he invited me to dinner at his place,"

"Oh,"

"My,"

"God,"

"Shut it, lemme finish," I chuckle. "It was pretty weird, he was acting so strange... like asking me stuff out of nowhere and shit like that,"

"Shit like what? Your bra size? The Earth's diameter?" Danielle prompts foolishly and we laugh.

"No, you asshat... I don't know... like if I liked Mikos, if he liked me... then after dinner he asked me if I liked his brother-"

"You met his god-brother?" Camille loses all composure talking about Damien and I guffaw.

"Jesus girl, you lose control rarely and seeing you like this is so fun," I chuckle "Yes, I met Damien he's really sweet,"

"Indeed he is," Danielle growls playfully and when we calm down Tori focuses our conversation once more.

"So he was jealous?" Tori squeals and my friends dissolve in a giggly and overexcited mess while I freeze thinking about it.

Jealous? Him? Of someone being with me?

Now that's funny.

First, him jealous is impossible and secondly, him jealous over someone being with me makes this a double scoop of hilarious. Because no one, I mean no one, would ever get close to me that way.

And then there's what happened yesterday. With that in mind, I shake my head. "He doesn't like me, I embarrass him. Yesterday we bumped into Cole at a street light and he told him that we were studying," I say with a dull tone.

My friends exchange glances between them and look at me with sympathy. Danielle has fire in her eyes when she leans face to face with me and says ardently: "Well, fuck them. Reid doesn't deserve you if he's too much of a pussy to deny how beautiful you are inside out, B,"

"Yeah, that's right," Camille says hugging me and Tori smiling and nodding along. No matter how low I feel about life or even about myself sometimes, these girls are always by my side. I go on and vent about my mom's tantrum yesterday, how she screamed, what she said to me. My friends cringe hearing the story, but they listen and there is nothing more than support and empathy in their expressions. That's when I know that no matter how dark and how sad some parts of my life are, they accept me for me with all my baggage. Right then and there, hugging at Gina's I felt so happy to have the best friends anyone could ever have.