An Officer of the ISMS

by StevenBrandt

There was caffeine in that human dwelling, I could almost smell it. As I sat in my transport watching the place, I snorted. Humans. The creatures were disgusting, to be sure. Just the sight of their smooth, dry skin made me itch. Even worse was their clothing, material that could suck the moisture right off the flesh. The mister in my roof puffed, spraying me with cool, mealworm-scented water.

One of the humans opened a cloth sack, revealing a collection of large dark beans. Jackpot. If that wasn't coffee, I would eat a pile of egg casings.

"Don't move!" I cried. One human tried to run, but I leaped and landed heavily atop him and began secreting toxins.

"Hey, man," the other said. He was scrawny, even for a human. At least he'd shaved the hair off his face. "The coffee is decaf."

"Oh, really? You decaffeinated the beans?"

"Um, yeah man. Genetically modified in the greenhouses of Mars. It's all good, Bro."

I shot my tongue out and grabbed a bean. After my mouth began to numb, I spit the thing out and grimaced.

"In the name of His Majesty, the Almighty Toad King, I charge you one gold coin," I said. The caffeine buyer only had to pay a fine, and I got a cut. The unconscious, scumbag dealer beneath me would get locked up.

"Please, man. I didn't know."

"Yeah, sure. Tell it to Liu-Hai."

"Liu-Hai! No, hey, I'll give you anything you want." The poor schmuck was trembling now.

Liu-Hai was a God of Wealth. On this end of our fine city-planet, where humans lived in their bright and dry apartments, free of any insect life, he was more than that. To the coffee addicts and lovers of caffeine, he was feared as The Almighty Toad King.

"Look, man, I've got money at home. Real gold. Pure stuff." He hooked a thumb toward a house down the road. It was submerged partly in water, with lily pads growing around it.

"That's a toad dwelling," I said.

He shrugged. "That's where I live."

I hesitated. My lower eye membranes rose and fell a few times as I considered his words. It could be a trap. "You better not be messing with me. I've dissected better looking examples of your species than you in biology lab as a kid."

"It's legit. I swear to his Almighty Toadness and all."

"I thought humans didn't like water."

The creep laughed and ran a hand through his hair. "My girlfriend's a toad."

You see all kinds of scum working as an officer in Illegal Substances and Mental States, or ISMS as it is fondly known. Most of the humans I know openly called themselves monogamists, making their perverse lifestyles publicly known. To make matters worse, they coddle their children by feeding and housing them. Of course, it comes as no surprise that these offspring grew up whiny, dependent, and with the same low moral standards.

But a human and a toad? I'd heard of such relationships, of course. Still, it was hard to believe.

"All right, scumbag, let me load the dealer into my transport, then I'll come and collect the fine."

"Is he going to be okay?" the human asked, gesturing to the dealer.

It was then I noticed I was still secreting toxins. I hopped off and kicked the unconscious man with a flipper. He groaned.

"He'll live," I said.

"My name is Joe, by the way," the human said.

"Jin Chan," I said. "Officer Chan to you."

I snagged a few flies from the air as we marched to Joe's place. In this respect, I pitied humans. They had to buy food every time they got hungry.

I had to admire Joe a little. His house was well tended. Lots of moss growing everywhere. Not the overly clean and manicured stuff I'd come to expect from humans.

Once inside, that changed. Two tadpoles lived there, a boy and a girl.

I shivered. These kids should've been out on their own, prowling the swamp and catching their own bugs. Individual attention from parents was not the amphibian way.

When the lady of the house approached, my mouth fell open. A fly I'd recently captured worked its way free of my saliva and escaped while I stared.

The frog before me was deliciously plump, with a bumpy body and beautifully rubbery hind legs.

"Hello, Jin," she said.

"Clawdia," I said, stupidly. "You and a human?"

"I don't expect you to understand, you being so devoted to the ISMS."

"You know," I said, pointing to Joe. "Touching one of those things can make your bumps go away."

She gave an exasperated sigh. "That's a myth, Jin."

And suddenly, I was angry. Not just because she thought I was so dumb I actually believed smooth skin was contagious, but because attachments and sentimentality were Illegal Mental States. Clawdia should have known better. She was a good woman. Easily one of the hundred best I'd ever been with.

"Listen. You already have a big fine to pay, on account of the caffeine, but this..." I gestured to the tadpoles. "Baby, you gotta let 'em go."

She jumped toward me, sloshing through the shallow water. When she was in range, her tongue flipped out and she left a wad of sticky saliva right between my eyes. Did I say Clawdia was one of the hundred best women I'd been with? No way. Top twenty, easy. My legs twitched and my body shivered in anticipation of what she was promising.

"Hey!" Joe said.

Reluctantly, I turned to see him standing in the water a short way off. Apparently, he'd just walked out of the back room. He held a gold coin in his hand, but it was his red face and shaking arms I was worried about. When a human undergoes those physiological changes, they're about to do something stupid.

"Clawdia," Joe shouted. "You get away from him."

"Joe, Darling," Clawdia said. "Be a dear and leave me and Jin alone for a few minutes."

"Yeah," I said. "Beat it. I need to remind this lovely, round thing what it's like to be with another amphibian."

Instead, Joe dropped the gold and sloshed awkwardly toward me, hands clenched into fists. He was less than halfway across the room when I dropped him with my stun pistol.

"Joe!" Clawdia screamed. I watched in horrid fascination as she pulled him out of the water and checked that he was still breathing, then settled him on one of the floating couches.

"You know what this looks like?" I said. "Love."

"A human was about to drown. I saved him."

"Yeah, sure," I said, not buying it. "But I wasn't going to let him die. You know that."

Clawdia turned her round wet eyes on me. Her lower lids blinked rapidly. "Jin, please."

We both knew what was going to happen. Love was one of those Illegal Mental States. Not between humans, of course. They could carry out whatever perversions they wanted to in their dry, horridly clean little dwellings. I shook my head, thinking what a fine woman Joe had ruined.

"Sorry, baby. I gotta stick you both." I reached for my juice gun, and dialed up the appropriate mind-altering drugs.

"Please," she said. "Before you do, let me show you something."

I shrugged. What can I say? I'm a softie. I let her.

Quickly, Clawdia pulled up a video. The words "Joe and Clawdia" scrolled by in a pink font as it started. An image of the two of them mashing lips appeared in the foreground. I swallowed my tongue to keep the bile down.

Next thing I saw, there was Joe with five bottles of wine lined up. He swayed on his seat. "Those of you," he said in a slurred voice. "Those who, um. Know, um. Know me, know that I don't drink." He made an exaggerated expression of disgust. "I tried all, um, manner of these imbibations to see if—" He paused to hiccup. "And the plum wine. Hey! That one's—tolerable! I only threw up once, so far."

He slid off his seat and disappeared. A few seconds went by in silence.

"Is it over?" I asked.

"Hush," Clawdia said.

Joe pulled himself up, blinked, and looked at the camera. More seconds went by as he stared. "Oh!

Right!" The confused expression was replaced by a big stupid grin. "We all know that you can't get married unless you drunk dial. Well, here I go!"

Coldness gripped my innards. The kind that makes you want to burrow down in the mud and let your body and mind freeze so that you don't have to see or think or remember.

"I love you, frog momma!" Joe screamed into the small hand-held phone. "I wanna be your toad man! Look, I've been practicing. I can catch flies with my tongue!"

Suddenly, Joe lurched forward, his eyes wide and his tongue sticking out. Even though I knew it was a recorded image I jumped back as Joe's face filled the screen. Then he disappeared, falling out of camera range with a splash.

That's when I noticed the wetness seeping from Clawdia's eyes, despite the effort of her clear inner lids to hold it in.

Joe's face suddenly rose back into view. His eyes were wild and there was a painful looking bump on his forehead. "I missed that time."

No one has ever been able to explain to me why humans have tongues. They can't catch anything with them, or pick up anything, or even clean the space between their eyes.

"But listen, sugar pop froggie!" Joe yelled. "I love you. I wanna be with you forever. Clawdia, will you marry me?"

"You see what I've got, Jin? Don't take that from me. I'll give you anything you want. More gold."

She nuzzled closer. "Extra sweetness. Anything."

I glanced behind me. The two tadpoles were watching, their faces masks of confusion and worry.

A faint voice floated back from the recording. "Yes, of course I'll marry you, Joe."

I shook my head. "Clawdia, the requirement that marriages can only be contracted by drunk dialing was made in order to prevent anyone from taking marriage seriously. Love is an Illegal Mental State. What you two have done here makes a mockery of our laws."

She shuddered. "Our laws make a mockery of our lives."

"Sorry," I said in feigned sympathy.

Then I stuck her. Put the needle gun into her great fleshy middle and pulled the trigger. Her body stiffened.

"No!" the voice was almost a whisper. Joe was sitting up on the floating couch. Humans are almost cute, sometimes. I hated seeing the poor little guy's heart break.

"Is she gonna forget me?" he asked.

I leaped, coming down with only a small splash. "Nah. How could anyone forget you, buddy?"

With a deft hand, I injected him with the next needle. The mixture is different for humans, but the effect is similar. In both cases, the chemistry correction was simple. Joe would fall unconscious. Tomorrow he'd wake up wondering how he could ever have fallen in love with a frog.

"Hey," I said, gently. "You can keep your coffee."

I'm not heartless. Once Joe was down I rounded on the kids.

"Now, what's the matter with you two? You shouldn't be living in a house! Get out there and find pond scum and bugs to eat. Swim with your friends."

They stared at me, still not moving. I raised my juice gun. "Do you need to be stuck, too?"

At these words, they scattered, moving at a speed only tadpoles could manage. I smiled. It was good to see them getting back to a normal life.

#

The next day I found another place to stake out. This time, near the Pad District. I figured I owed it to myself to get away from all the seedy human dwellings for a few days. It was hard for me to believe it, even after seeing it for myself. Clawdia. Of all the toads I'd ever fertilized eggs with, I'd never have picked her for a decadent.

Still, if one did have to have an Illegal Mental State, Clawdia was the toad to do it with. She was probably among the ten best I'd ever been with. Would Joe have any idea what he'd lost? I sighed. Better to put such thoughts behind me.

I snapped a worm up from the cup I was carrying. The brown ones with the bulge in the middle were the best.

A sound caught my attention. I spun to find a tadpole walking slowly behind me. The little guy had legs, but they were almost too short to move his body.

"What do you want, kid?"

"I know of some people who deal in caffeine. Mostly dark chocolate."

I was intrigued, to say the least. Chocolate dealers were good marks. They tended to have lots of gold, and an officer's cut on such arrests could add up.

"Say I'm interested. What do you want for your information?"

"I want to ride along with you and learn about what it's like to be an ISMS officer."

My throat puffed out a little. This was a good kid. Independent like a child should be. Planning. Thinking for himself. This one hadn't been coddled by "parents."

"You have a deal. What's your name, kid?"

"Lumpy."

"I used to have a partner named Lumpy. He was a good guy."

My eyes stung a little as I recalled the day he died. Yes, he was a human. One of the rare good ones, shot down during an energy drink transaction gone bad. "Where's the chocolate deal?"

It was at the local school named "Four Toes and Five." It was one of these integrated places where half the population were toads and half were human—a weird, experimental, dung beetle dung of an idea.

Lumpy helped me find a secluded spot behind an old school bus to watch and wait. Maintenance was lacking on everything and the place looked crowded. Apparently, this modern school had money troubles. But the students weren't lacking for wealth. Two humans skulked into view, one a male with narrow eyes and one a female with a flat nose, both with dark hair and expensive-looking sweaters. I shivered. Sweaters creeped me out.

They met up to buy chocolate from a toad, a frog with pink and blue tattoos who was just a little too old to be in school. I knew his kind. Probably never swam in the wild a day in his life. Some toads were worse than humans.

When the merchandise was in the open, I jumped, bounding over the hood of the bus and landing on the boy. I secreted toxins to subdue him, then fired my stun pistol at the toad. Though I missed the first two times, I got him at last. He rolled over, displaying his pale white belly to the sky. The girl might have gotten away, but Lumpy tripped her.

We got a pile of loot in exchange. Lumpy and I dined on roasted brown worms as our reward. I know I only promised to let him come along on patrol, but I gave him a cut of an ISMS officer's fine. After all, he'd earned it.

That night, when I found a quiet patch of mud to sleep in, Lumpy was close by.

"Don't you want to be with your friends?" I asked.

"Don't have any. That was my school we were at today. None of them like a narc."

I sympathized. I'd done some narcing in my day too.

The next several days, the boy and I worked together a lot. Turns out he knew plenty of other rich kids who were dealing, and we took in quite a haul. So I was in good spirits when I carried my fat bag of fines into the Palace of Justice of the Almighty Toad King. The Golden Ones, the administrative toads with skin that shone like gold itself, greeted me and took the bag.

Jewelia, a fine lady toad if ever there was one, took the money from me. She eyed me in that seductive way she had, and my insides turned to jelly worms.

"Nice work," she said, admiring the money.

"Thanks. Maybe you and I could get together later and share some butterfly wine."

She glanced aside. "I don't know, Jin. People are talking about you."

"What are they saying?"

"They say you've taken on human ways and become a parent."

I hopped involuntarily at the horribleness of her suggestion. "Surely, you don't believe them?"

"Tell me why you've been hanging out with your own tadpole so much? He's waiting outside right now, isn't he?"

"My own—No. Listen. He's just a kid who wants to learn about the ISMS. He's got the makings of a great officer." It was then I noticed my vocal sack puffing out. Well, I guess I'd been mentoring the kid. Was it wrong to be proud of what I'd accomplished?

"A tadpole that looks just like you."

"Bah!"

"Even if he's not yours, you've been hanging around him an awful lot."

She had a point. The kid and I needed a little space. When I hopped out of the Palace of Justice, he jumped up to me excitedly. His legs were definitely getting stronger.

"Hey, Lumpy. Who did you hang around with before we started working together?"

"What do you mean, Jin? You know."

"I do?"

"Don't you remember? I watched you stick my mom and Joe."

And suddenly, it was like a cold rainy day where there was nowhere to sun myself. When had I been with Clawdia? I shivered when I realized this little guy could be my son. Now that I looked at him, he did resemble me.

"Listen, Lumpy. You and I need to split up for a few days."

"Why?"

"People are talking. Saying that I'm parenting you."

His little transparent lids flickered back and forth. All three chambers of my heart felt like they were popping open at the sight.

"Aren't you?" he asked.

By the Almighty Toad King, I'd become one of the bad ones. It had happened so easily, I didn't even notice it.

"No, kid."

"Are you going to stick me and make me stop caring about you like you did to Mom and Joe?"

The thought hadn't even occurred to me. It should have. If this had been anyone else, I'd have done it in a triple heart beat.

"No. Just run along. Let's spend a few days apart. At least."

He sat where he was. I hopped off.

Did I miss him two seconds later? Yeah, I did.

That night, I took out my juice gun and stared at the glassy tubes and plunger. Every instinct in me told me I should stick myself. Instead, I hopped down to Clawdia's. Perspective, I told myself, was what I was looking for.

"Hello, Jin."

Normally, all my toxin glands pulsed for joy on seeing her. Not today. "I just found out I've been parenting our son."

There, I admitted it aloud.

"Have you stuck yourself?"

"Not yet. I thought maybe we could talk."

"Sure," she said.

And over beetle-grub beer, I told her all about Lumpy. How much progress he was making toward becoming an ISMS officer. How his little legs were getting stronger and how high he could jump. Tears streamed from my eyes as I finished.

"You're a mess, Jin."

"I know," I croaked.

"Don't stick yourself, Jin. You're not broken."

"No? I'm a degenerate hypocrite."

"Yeah, but you're the good kind." Her tongue darted out and she gave me fly kisses all down the front of my face.

I don't normally have relations with the same woman twice. But Clawdia was one of the three best women I'd ever been with. Who wouldn't want a repeat with someone like that?

#

The next day I spent at the station. It was easier to avoid Lumpy there, and besides, I was behind on paperwork for all the collars Lumpy and I had made. Forms and filing took my time—with an occasional break to have lady bug juice. I took mine "spots in," with little pieces of shell floating on the top.

About halfway through the day I was fighting to keep my eyes open. As I was typing, I turned on the scanner to listen in on my fellow officers who were out having fun.

"Disturbance at 'Four Toes and Five.' Shots fired."

Before I knew what I was doing, I had my stun pistol holstered and I was heading for the door.

Jewelia stopped me in the hall, a grub doughnut wriggling on her plate. "Don't go, Jin," she said.

"This is probably