ALEX

Have you ever had the experience of doing something but you can't? Have you ever felt the feelings that you almost way there to be happy but it didn't happen? Have you ever felt the urge to hug someone and tell them how they mean to you but no words coming out from your mouth?

The feeling that didn't seem right at the moment you saw the most important people in your life crying hopelessly to the reason that they don't even seem to know why?

Never want to experience or to see the betrayals, angered and hatred in their eyes once they know the thruth.

I never felt this feeling when Thea was gone even when Noah was gone. The feeling that you want to turn back the time just to make sure everything's right. Because you know why? It's just.... It's different. To fucking way different.

Where is the annoying sound of Seed voice when you needed them? Where is the non-stop music of Hanz and Mae when you really needed them? And why the fuck is this all happening right now when I never plan any of them? What the actual fuck had I gotten myself into.

The moment that Zedric laid his eyes on me all I wanted was to run and hug him tightly. Why do I need to witness those sadness and loneliness that field in his eyes? Am I being a terrible sister for not telling him the truth? Sadness and confusion all over his face and when the moment Rai darted his gaze on me he immediately jump out on Zedric lap and run towards me while calling me mommy. His eyes and fluffy cheeks are so red from crying and all I could do was get down on one knee to catch him running towards me.

My God. Does he been crying the whole time?

He lung his arm around my neck and cry endlessly. No one else was in the room have the courage to speak when I took Rai in my lap and slowly sway my body back and forth as I sat down on the floor uncomfortable.

My heart hurt when I saw the emptiness and longing in Zedric eyes when Rai abandoned his lap and that was the most heartbreaking moment I've ever seen in my life. Considering that Zedric was the type of person who doesn't know how to express his feelings because he always have the poker face and blank eyes in him. I could not have been able to see him in the eye for a long time because I felt guilty. I felt guilty to the point that I feel ashamed in my own self and I never felt ashamed in myself until this day comes.

Maybe Zedric sense the uneasy feeling in my eyes because he made faces. I bow my head in order to escape his judgmental eyes because I can't endure the pain of hatred his giving me right now.

My eyes widen as I tightened my grip on Rai small body when the realization hit me. Oh my God.. Does he really think Rai is my son? That someone got me pregnant and abandoned me in no time because he can't tolerate my attitude? Oh my God... I shook my head to snap out of my thoughts.

I can't blame him though. Maybe he really hates me this time. I even hated myself on lying that's why I can't blame him if he feels the same way.

I sighed heavily not minding the eight pairs of eyes looking at me skeptical (especially the one pair of eyes from Patricia that dogging a hole from my back and I don't have enough strength to explain everything now on her.) when I stood up but luck is not on my side because my legs betrayed me 'fuck' I cursed silently. I took all the strength and courage that I have to regain my balance but then again I failed when suddenly someone hug me on my waist. "Are you alright?" His soft voice rang in my head as if saying that I'm not alone. I can't help myself to take a glimpse of him and his eyes telling me that this is not the right time to be weak. And I know to myself that I can't argue about that. The best thing about Marthiani that I like but at the same time I hated the most was no matter how much I push him away from me he always make a way to mess up with my life because he knows that we're not just hate each other but at the same time we can't get rid off away from each other, and I hate to admit that I can't take him down because if I did, I'm pretty sure I'm all the way with his downfall the reason why I always make plans, plans on how I can get rid off of him as smooth and easily.

"Don't think too much. You need to rest and maybe you want to put Rai on a bed?" And again just like a lost puppy I whole-heartedly oblige on his suggestion that all I have done was nod my head yes in agreement because I don't have the strength to argue with him. I just really feel exhausted it feels like my 60% remaining energy that left on my body drain and crash down into Zero.

Yes.....

Flat zero..... (kung meron man)

I don't even remember how I manage to drag myself without even falling on a hundred steps of stairways all the way to my room the only next thing I know I was woken up by the blast sound of music coming through my window.

I've been drowning from my own thoughts when someone grab me from behind the reason why I ended up drowning (this time for real) and soaking deep down inside of the cold water from my indoor pool which caught me off guard. And I fucking swear to every saint in the world that I'm going to kill the person who did this to me. (don't get me wrong I know how to swim and one thing's for sure I can't be called to be loser when it comes to swimming because I earn everything in terms of competition.)

'Fuck!' I mentaly curse myself when I can't even move a muscle. My chest tightened and suddenly I can't breath.

My vision slowly become blur my lungs running out of air and my body become numb. And then again someone grab me from behind to pull me upward. "Oh my God! Ellie are you okay? I didn't mean to do that." Marthiani apologize but I just ignored him because I'm still a little dazed and when I compose myself from after shock event I swung my right arm colliding my fist on his jaw.

"I've been dying to do that on you since forever." I spot in anger and you can sense the venom in my voice.

"You really know how to punch huh." He said with a smirk on his lips as he traces his jaw with his fingers.

"How can you still smile after what happen?" I said raging in anger inside of me as I narrow my eyes on him. "You.... You know what?... Ahhh! You're hopeless!" I whine then put my two hands on the edge of the pool then hop in to get out of the water. I grab my towel from the floor then made my way to the Lounge Chair to get my robe stamping my feet away from him as I put my robe on and tying the lace in the middle.

"You know that you can't run away from me forever." He playfully said which made me stop from walking.

Alam mo yung tipong pinipilit mong pakalmahin ang sarili mo kasi ayaw mong magalit? Yung tipong gusto mo nalang manahimik para walang gulo na mangyayari? Kase sa totoo lang yun ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. As much as I don't want my anger dominate me I can't because he's really getting into my nerves. I tried my best to calm myself as I make a pace then I lock my gaze on him.

"I'm not running away from you." I said in a cold voice. Na kahit sino man ang makakarinig makakasiguro ako na mangingilabot sila sa takot. "I just want to be safe 'cause you're like a drugs that I need to get rid off from my system because I don't do drugs."

He lifts up his body from the water by the use of his two arms then made his way towards me as he runs his fingers on his wet hair. "But we all know that it's not going to happen at all." He said as he grins sheepishly. Tsk. What an idiot.

"And why not?"

"Because no one force you to sign those contract five years ago. Which means you can't get rid off of me until I didn't choose to stay away from you." ohh.. Those damn contract.

"And that will going to happen soon." I didn't give him a chance to answer me back because after I said those words I made my way out away from him but before I even managed to move my feet he grabbed me by my arm and spun me around to face him, then the next thing I know his lips landed on mine. My eyes widen and at the same time I feel like the world stop from spinning. My body and the time frozen but my heartbeat gonewild inside of my body. He kisses me, he fucking kiss me. The kiss that you exactly watch from a korean movie, the kiss that everybody wants to happen on their first date. The kiss that makes the atmosphere heavenly lightly romantic. The kiss that....

"Killing me is the only way to make that happen." He whispered in my ear then made his way out.

'What was that?' That's the first question that came out of my brain.

I couldn't help the blush that running up to my face, and it feels weird.

I couldn't help myself from wondering on how can I calm my own heart, beating so fast, so fast that it wants to pull away from my body.

I couldn't help my brain from questioning my myself why I couldn't get mad at him after he kissed me.

'And why is that?' my own brain interject.

I shook my head trying to wash away the image of Marthiani from my brain.

I put my right palm across my chest to feel the rhythm of my heartbeat.

Hindi nga ba dapat magalit ako sa kanya kase hinalikan niya ako?

Hindi nga ba dapat nagpaplano na ako ngayon kung paano ko siya papatayin pagkatapos niyang nakawin ang first kiss ko?

Hindi nga ba dapat sinundan ko siya para palayasin sa loob ng pamamahay ko pagkatapos ng nangyari?

Hindi nga ba dapat nagtawag na ako ng pwedeng dumampot sa kanya para itapon siya sa bermuda triangle na imposible namang mangyari?

But neither one of that has nothing to happen because the next thing I know I just found myself inside the kitchen opening my refrigerator and looking for my ice cream but I can't find anything.

"Shit!" I hissed as I slammed the door of the refrigerator then rested my forehead on it.

"And why is that?" Someone unfamiliar voice asked behind me which made me darted my gaze on him with annoyance.

He's half naked. His hands stuffed on the side pocket of his black jersey short while his left side rested on the door frame of the backdoor kitchen. I roam my eyes from His short wavy hair was perfectly brush on his side ways. His hazelnut brown eyes that brightly shining through the bright light coming from the...... 'cut it out Alex' My brain cut me off from checking him out which made me shake my head.

'Great. Just great. What a way to ruin my night.' I whispered to myself then take a deep breath.

"Who are you?" I asked with irritation in my voice and I cross my arms over my chest as I shifted my weight of my body from my right foot to my left foot. (maybe one of Tasha friend?)

But....

"Fancy meeting you here!"

What?!

"Do I know you?" I asked then raise my brow.

Ohh! Did I mention already that Natasha invited her friends over for a pool party?

"No! But I know you." He said while brushing his hair with his fingers.

"Excuse me?" And where the fuck did he fucking meet me?

He open and closed his mouth two times as if he wanted something to say but didn't know how to start then he shakes his head as he scratches the back of his neck which fucking irritates me. Does he think he looks hot by doing that?

'Oh c'mon Alex you just said he looks hot' my conscience tease me.

'J is way hotter than him though' my brain said.

'And when the fuck did my conscience and my brain starting to argue about this shit?' I whispered to myself.

'Since J kiss you' my brain said mockingly.

'Oh my God! I can't deal with this.' I said to myself exasperated.

I rolled my eyes and turn my back on him then made my way out from the kitchen.

Why does that even bothered me at all. I don't care if where and when did he meet me. People use to come and go in my life so why do I need to remember such a stupid person like him.