so i been thinking that i think
too much and i can't sleep,
but i can dream of u s . . .

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I was sitting in my Graphic Communications class when my phone started buzzing. My eyes remained hooked on the computer screen with Photoshop taking up its entirety because at first, I just assumed it was a text I'd gotten. The project I was trying to finish up that had been consuming my life for the past month was currently more important. It was a preview to what our final would be like, and me not being too interested in this aspect of my major wasn't helping me get it done.

Except my phone kept continuously buzzing on the tabletop, notifying me of a call.

Glancing down to see Tommy's name and picture on my screen, I debated whether or not I should answer it. The thought of it being an emergency crossed my mind, but knowing Tommy, it also could be something incredibly stupid. Either way my anxiety ate at me, my teeth gnawing at my thumbnail, until I found myself swiping right at the last minute to take the call. I needed to know what he was calling about or else I wouldn't rest.

The rest of the class kept working on their computers as I swiftly stood up from my rolling chair and left the room. My professor hardly noticed me leaving, and he clearly didn't care. I put the phone up to my ear as soon as I stepped through the door and shut it behind me, making my way to the bathroom.

"What's up?" I murmured, not wanting any other classrooms around me to hear my conversation.

"Hey, are you busy?" Tommy's familiar, cheery voice came from the other end. There was beeping in the background and some other garbled noises, which made me assume he was making lunch.

"Well, actually I'm in class," I chuckled as I entered the girl's room. "But I'm in the bathroom now."

"Oh shit, I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. I needed a break from staring at the computer – I still have an hour left." I rubbed at my forehead and leaned against the sink counter top, shutting my eyes for a moment and still seeing the screen of my monitor.

He stopped to chew for a minute, rustling the phone around a bit until I heard breathing.

"Hi! It's Jonah," my musical friend chirped. I haven't heard his voice in so long that it instantly brought a smile to my face.

"Oh my God, how are you?" I grinned into the phone.

"I'm good! I had a day off so I thought I'd visit Tommy," he explained. There were more indecipherable sounds from their end, then Jonah's voice again. "You're on speaker now."

It dawned on me while listening to their babbling and laughter, boyish and squeaky as always, that I haven't seen either of them in quite awhile. The last time I hung out with them was over fall break, which was nearly a month ago. I had no idea how I'd been surviving without them all this time. Life got busy out of nowhere, which I guess was good because it was keeping me occupied and making sure I was anything but bored. For some people with anxiety, being busy meant double the stress and triple the nervous breakdowns. Thankfully for me, it meant being so focused on other things that my disorder took a backseat.

Nightmares and anxiety attacks weren't as much of a problem and I didn't even realize it. Between school, my family, Cheyenne, and everything else in between, I was unaware of the fact that this might be what it's like to live a normal life. One without the constant torture of having to walk on eggshells, for fear of a hideous bit of my past coming back to haunt me at any moment. One without having to constantly worry about everything.

Then again, I can't get my hopes up. Every time I think I'm improving, I come crashing right back down, surrounded by the remains of myself and forced to pick up and go back to the beginning. It's never worth it to be hopeful for me.

"Anyway, we did call for a reason. Not to just waste your time," Tommy changed the subject after we all briefly caught up with each other.

I laughed, turning around to look at myself in the mirror and ruffling my hair a bit. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yes," Jonah insisted, and I playfully rolled my eyes even though they couldn't see. "We have an idea."

"And that is..." I trailed off.

"Jonah's got a show on Friday night at Roundhouse and we were thinking we could get the gang back together for it," Tommy piped up to elaborate on said plan they created. "It's been awhile since we all hung out and I think we need it."

"Yeah, I think so too."

Tommy gasped as a reaction. "You mean you're not gonna try and make up an excuse about how you're 'just not up for going out'?" He teased, emphasizing a quote I've said many times before.

"Fuck off. Be happy that I'm in a good mood and I'm actually up for this," I spat back, my sentence coming to a quick end when the door to the bathroom opened. A girl I didn't know glanced my way, then she silently went into a stall.

"I know, I know. I'm only kidding," he dragged out his response dramatically.

"So you'll come?" Jonah cut in, his usual hopeful tone making me smile yet again. That boy is like a ray of sunshine, I swear.

"Yes, I'll come. Just let me know what time and where this place even is," I said.

"Yeah, we don't know all the details yet, but I'll keep you updated," Tommy brushed it off. Typical.

The other girl in the bathroom came out of her stall and washed her hands before leaving, so I figured I should do the same. It was nice to have a little break, but it couldn't erase the work I still had to do.

I sighed, "Alright, I better head back to class. I'll talk to you guys later."

They both yelled a farewell, and I hung up laughing a minute later. After I slipped my phone into the back pocket of my jeans, I pulled my loose sweater tighter around myself and briskly walked to my classroom down the hall.

Everything was just as it was when I left a few minutes ago. My professor resembling a zombie at his computer by the front of the room, the rest of the class looking similar at their own computers down each row. With another long sigh, I dragged myself to my chair and plopped down. Thankfully, it was a small class and nobody sat directly next to me.

So I grabbed my earbuds that were plugged into the monitor, popped them in each of my ears, and got right back to work.

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It's unusual that I ever come home to a prepared meal on the table. My dad has too much on his plate to worry about dinner, Aunt Farrah would rather order out than turn on the stove, and Haleigh being thirteen means she shouldn't have to worry about making her own food. Most of the time, it's up to me to feed us. But sometimes it doesn't go as planned.

When I got done class, I headed straight to the gym for kickboxing. My workout bag was in my car already from earlier in the day when I planned to go after school, so I didn't have to stop at home. After the hour-long session, I was dead. Then I remembered it was practically dinner time and I had nothing planned for tonight.

I thought about just getting take-out from somewhere on the way home, but I decided against it. Instead of guessing what everyone wanted because my brain wasn't functioning enough to do that, I scratched the idea and knew it'd be better to get a collective vote from my family members.

What I didn't expect when I walked through the front door of my house was the scene that was playing out in the kitchen.

Aunt Farrah was at the stove with something sizzling in a pan or two. She was laughing along with Haleigh, who was operating the toaster oven with mitts on both hands. Then there was my dad, who was happily sat at the table, which was set with plates, napkins, and silverware.

"Oh hey, Sav," my dad beamed when he noticed my figure at the doorway.

"Hi," I said, a questioning tone to the greeting. I smiled anyway because it definitely looked like my family. I couldn't be too sure, though. "What's going on?"

"We're making dinner," Haleigh pointed out the obvious to me.

"I see that," I called over my shoulder, stepping back to drop my gym bag by the steps and then entering the kitchen again. I took a seat across from my dad and rejoiced the feeling of sitting down in my own home.

From all the different smells in the room, I couldn't pinpoint what exactly Aunt Farrah and Haleigh were cooking up. Not until they brought over the plates, full of rice, vegetables, and chicken. I had to ask, "What's the occasion?"

"Nothing!" Aunt Farrah shrugged with a grin. "For once, we're all home at the same time on a weeknight. Just thought it'd be nice to sit down and have a decent meal for once."

I nodded along, satisfied with that answer and not digging for any other reasons behind the random home-cooked dinner. It had been too long since the four of us sat down at the kitchen table together and enjoyed a meal made from scratch. Or somewhat of scratch, considering the vegetables just had to be heated up in the toaster oven and the rice was pre-made.

Still, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. For once, it felt amazing to have all of us whole again. Of course it was impossible to ignore the fact that we were missing one person at the dinner table. But for just that hour or so, it was like I almost forgot about it.

It made me see that even though a significant figure was missing in my life, at least I still had the rest of my family. My dysfunctional, goofy-as-hell, unconditionally loving family. And at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to me.

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A/N - a filler chapter. i despise them, but they serve a purpose i guess. nothing much else to say about it! thoughts??? do y'all like the new cover??? i've been editing my covers a lot bc i just felt the need for change so yeah lol.

i finally got over having a sore throat/cold and i was praying i didn't get the flu bc it's spreading like wildfire over here in the US. thank god i didn't tho!! ugh anyway yeah it snowed yesterday and it's supposed to be hot af tomorrow and the next day so that's where we're at. it sucks lol.

thx for reading. hope you're doing well. love ya lots!

song: gravity by eden

image: story aesthetic

xoxo, sabbbycat